Dropping hints

[emerald]

Hi there,

I'm just wondering if anybody has some suggestions for feeling out whether an SO would be OK with the idea of dressing. My gut says she wouldn't react well, but you never know... so I was hoping some others that have beaten around the bush, so to speak, successfully or not, might share their experience.

Thanks!
Emerald

[JustMee]

Dropping hints IMO is an unsure way to scope someone out.
Why? I'll explain with an example,
"Hey honey what do you think of crossdressers?"
"Well...I guess they're ok, to each their own."
Wow you asked her and she said they're Ok so she's gonna be totally cool with it right? Not so fast, the key element missing from this conversation is context, your wife might think CDing is Ok, but you still don't know if she thinks YOU CDing is Ok. The only situation I see this type of hunting and pecking to be beneficial would be if her answer in the above scenario was "OMG they're detestable and abhorrent and should all be burned" that's pretty concrete evidence that full dsclosure will not go well.
I think you should go with your gut feeling that she will not handle this well, FYI my wife did not handle it well at the get go either...however with time and patience and lots of communication we're at a very happy place in a relatively short period of time. I do beleive that sometimes people are motivated to learn about and begin to accept things they previously did not for the sole reason that it impacts someone they love dearly. Best of luck!

[Dana M]

Emerald,

You could try the advice I have read here a few times. Talk about CDing you saw in a movie or on TV to see how she reacts. Have you gone to any Halloween parties where someone CDed, you could bring that up too. Just make sure you are honest with her and take it slow.

[Beverley Sims]

Emerald,
I suggest you read some of the threads and stickys about coming out to your SO.
As you have been here for a while, I would have thought you would have read these threads by now.

[Kate Simmons]

Hard to say really. Everyone reacts differently. You probably know your SO better than anyone else.:)

[Gillian Gigs]

Beating around the bush when it comes to finding out how your SO feels about something is a waste of time. I liked Justmee's comments, "Hey honey what do you think of crossdressers?" Then comes an answer in a general sense, "Well...I guess they're ok, to each their own."
We had an expression in our home that kind of sums it up. "I might like Smokey the Bear, but I'm not sure I would want my sister to marry him". When it comes to crossdressers, "Well...I guess they're ok, to each their own", but would she want to be married to one???

[emerald]

Thanks ladies for the fast and thoughtful replies. We all know that our particular situations are each a little different, so sometimes when we ask the questions ourselves (even though they've been asked a million times) we get the responses we're looking for.

[Jenniferathome]

dropping hints will not work. It will actually be a disaster. She will not figure this out for you because she is not thinking cross dressing is even in the universe of possibilities. And you will will make some assumption on her reactions that are incomplete at best. This is a "rip the band-aide off" kind of situation.

[Nadine Spirit]

If we are talking about a wife or a GF who has been around for a bit, you are obligated to tell her, regardless of how you think she will react.

[Karren H]

Take her to the show "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" or "Kinky Boots".... and see how she reacts.....

[emerald]

there is a lot of wisdom here. thank you!

[MatildaJ.]

Very few women think that CDing is a fun bonus to the relationship.

Most see it as an annoyance; something unpleasant they have to put up with.

So if you want to be out of the closet, think about how happy your wife seems currently. If you have a very strong marriage, and she seems to get a lot of happiness from the marriage, then you have some wiggle room to make the marriage a little more what you want and a little less what she wants.

But if she already seems dissatisfied with your marriage and is tolerating the situation for the sake of the children, or because it's easiest to stay married, then revealing your secret might tip the balance (in her mind) in favor of leaving.

[kimdl93]

I wouldn't drop hints. If you want to know her opinion on the subject, ask her.

[PaulaQ]

The problem with dropping hints is this - NIMBY. (Not In My Back Yard). Some people are perfectly fine with something as long as it doesn't affect them DIRECTLY. But they will have the exact opposite opinion, and be totally UNHAPPY with the situation if it affects them directly.

Extreme example:
- if our best friend had come out to my wife and I and said "I am trangendered" my wife would've totally been supportive of him.
- when I came out to my wife and said "I am transgendered", it simply ended my marriage in short order.

If your wife hates the idea of you CDing, believe me, she will not be likely to think the hints you drop apply to you.

[Launa]

Most women are not going to be gung ho about this even if they are accepting. So don't expect a party if you decide to tell her. On the other hand I think hiding is bullshit and shouldn't be done unless you are in you're late 60's - 70's, been married for years etc.... Then I say why tell and cause a lot of heartache.

Otherwise don't beat around the bush. You will only get frustrated and may not get the answer your looking for.

[linda allen]

Are you going to dress or not dress based on your "SO"'s response to your hints or questions? What if she (or he) says it's disgusting? What then? You've backed yourself into a corner.

There's no easy way to introduce a partner to crossdressing and it won't be the same for every couple.