Re-Writing History or the Art of being True to Yourself

[Kathryn Martin]

We all have an external and an internal narrative. They are not always the same in that the external narrative often will contain the rationalizations of our internal narrative. It also goes both ways. Sometimes, what is patently clear on the outside will be rationalized to be able to incorporate a coherent image of ourselves into our internal narrative. It is, most often the re-writing of history.

You remember the old adage that the history is written by the victor?

Let me tell you an anecdotal series of events from my childhood. I have memories (I must have been 7) of me pulling my penis back between my legs and and saying to my mother: "Look Mutti, I am a girl". And most of the time my mother would something like: "Well, so you are" and look appropriately astonished or serious, but always with a smile. During the same time, I would run around the house pretending to be a locomotive, making the noises and whistles etc. At other times I would be a horse, or a beaver, or any other animal or thing that I was interested in or was drawn to. I was a very imaginative child. Lastly, during those years I was nervous, I was "out of sorts", unhappy often, and got into trouble a lot without having any idea why I felt this way. I was emotional, sensitive, loved dolls and animals, and my dream world in which I dreamed my life.

I could have said that since my earliest memories I knew I was a girl. That I asserted this fact to my mother, and that I had all of the appropriate likes, dislikes and love for everything a girl loves and disinterest in outdoor activity and so called rough play. In addition, I can say that I was troubled, that something was the matter with me, all of the classic signs of early onset transsexualism and gender dysphoria. And it is all true.

But is this the only truth of these events? I think not. I could say that I was a very imaginative child always being one thing or another, living in a dream world rather than reality. That I enjoyed sitting in my room just dreaming the day away rather than be outdoors. That I had trouble socializing with other boys because I was small, thin and easily overloaded. I liked locomotives, however, and train engineers which was what I wanted to be when I grew up. And it is all true.

It is so easy to re-write history, assign inflated meanings to the minute things of a child’s developing life. Being drawn to girls as a child, wanting to play with dolls or other so called girl toys does not indicate transsexualism or gender variance. These are all social constructs, and because we believe them to be gender non-compatible (by equating sex with gender) we beat it out of our children and perpetuate the gender stereotypes.

Stepping on to the road of transition, I was so fully aware that I must not re-write history for myself but be truthful, if not to others, to myself. When I hear people asserting that they are one of "those very few individuals who KNEW from their very first conscious moment of self awareness that they WERE in fact, male or female, boy or girl, DESPITE, their genital configuration" I wonder if history is being re-written.



My earliest memories in this regard are not related to the knowledge which gender I was, I didn't really realize until much later that at age 9 that genitals actually represented "the difference" between myself and those people around me with which I identified, the women. What I did feel however, was a nebulous feeling of not fitting, not being right.

I could tell you I knew with clarity early in my childhood that I was a girl in spite of my genitals. But it would be a rationalization of an inner and outer narrative that validates what I am now doing. And, to be truthful, it would be a false narrative.



What is so troubling is that the narratives constructed have found their way into the urban psycho myth of transsexualism. You listen on a board like this and the narratives often start authentic, and slowly you can observe the evolution into the standard narrative, the ready to serve version which will net you the hormones. So then you wonder why someone would in fact alter their history to get on hormones. My only conclusion is that those that do this want to occasion a result. And that is the quintessential life style choice. One of the outflows of this approach is that now hormones are used to “test” the told stories of those seeking help from therapists.



Transsexual medical background stories are quite different from this.


So the question I kept asking myself is: Am telling the truth? Or am I lying to myself? What about you?

[Rogina B]

Great post! And I do believe that for some that it all feeds on itself and for others it is a means to a desired lifestyle and for others it is a matter of feeling worthy enough to stay alive..All feelings belong to the individual person.

[kimdl93]

I'd like to interject something about rewriting history...or perhaps more accurately reconstructed memories. Not long ago I listened to a TED talk on this very subject. The expert opinion was that all memory, any memory is a construct...an amalgam of larger and smaller fragments of events as captured by the mind, in combination with filler totally made up by the brain to fill in the gaps. We can't help it...our senses and brain focus on what seems most important...or potentially threatening in a given moment and fills in the missing parts for us, just as the brain fills in the blind spot on every persons retina with the color and texture of images surrounding it.

I'm not transexual. While I don't have a concrete knowledge or clear cut memories of wanting to be a girl at that early age,
I do have vivid early childhood memories, a couple from before I could speak in complete sentences. But they are just snippets gathered by a toddlers brain from traumatic moments. Later I had more complete recollections, but again, the emotional content seems more complete than the specifics of events. I recall feeling different...not feeling I was a girl, and I recall being teased for doing things my siblings considered effeminate, but darned if I can recall specifically what I was doing to elicit the teasing. I know this all marked me in some ways. As I matured, I became quite secretive, defensive and thin skinned about criticism. All of this took many decades to, mostly, undo. And it was all rooted in memory constructs.

Of course, I'm reminded of the admonition that what is real in perception is real in its consequences.

[Kathryn Martin]

Kim, that is a very interesting comment. Especially this part: "but again, the emotional content seems more complete than the specifics of events." In some ways for me this is at the heart of what I am trying to write about. I also find it interesting the commentary from your siblings. Can I ask, have they told you this or is this a albeit vague memory. I have had revelations from my sister that I had completely forgotten about.

[kimdl93]

Hi Kathryn, I have always had these snippets of memory...visual and emotional. The bits and pieces started to fall into context decades later. My mother and several siblings brought it up when my ex outed me as a CDr during our divorce. Perhaps that's why the revelation didn't impact on my family at all..it wasn't news to anyone. The essence of the behavior was that I apparently inclined as a young child...maybe four years of age... to do things in the house with my mother and older sister...and earned what was intended as a derisive nickname 'houseboy' from older male siblings.

I was perceptive enough to realize that the teasing stopped when I mimicked more traditional male behaviors, and one might say overcompensated a bit.

[Marleena]

Hi Kathryn, I understand many narratives can be explained away especially if it was events that took place in early childhood. What can't be explained away is older children attempting to cut their penis off or young adults attempting to transition by taking dangerous pills because they are desperate. Those are warning signs of serious gender issues. Not fitting in, yep that's a common feeling too. In fact I still don't even though I have my proof of who and what I am. I started a thread today about still not fitting and HRT as my happy pills and maybe that sends the wrong message too.

What about that member here who realized they might be TS and fought for months NOT to start HRT because it meant they lost the fight? What about the person who had to be told they were most likely TS and they didn't want to hear it? They were messaging another member here telling how they didn't want to be TS. That same member told her Dr. she rather be cisgender (male or female) than deal with being a (TS) woman. That member was me.

Maybe I will fit in when I satisfy everybody else. Or maybe that life long feeling of never fitting in will never go away no matter what I do.

[stefan37]

Interesting concepts. i always thought I was different in some ways. When I was around 12 or so The Christine Jorgensen movie was released. Watching the trailer I identified with the depiction of a young Christine trying on lipstick in front of a mirror. I told my mom I wanted to see the movie. I was told no in no uncertain terms. i never brought it up again with my parents. It wasn't until later in puberty I started to really have thoughts of being born the wrong gender. At that time I had been dressing for many years prior, yet not really knowing why. I just knew it felt right. Growing up in the era I did what I had to to survive without suffering intensive verbal abuse or even worse getting beat.

I guess my point is even though I dressed from around age 5 I never really understood why I wanted to until around the time the movie came out. It was then I started to understand what gender was and differences between male and female. I felt powerless to mention how I felt and just kept it bottled up.

I imagine if most of us were born in this era our experiences would be much different. We could have come out at a much earlier age and our memories of our early childhood would be much fresher than trying to think back 40-50 years,

[Anne Elizabeth]

Kathryn:

First off I want to thank you for you continued presence in this forum. Your insights are thought provoking and help to ground me in my beliefs and understandings of my self.

I think we all rewrite the past to make it better and more enjoyable of a story for others. I myself have wondered am I thinking backward trying to justify my needs to become a woman. the few things that I think that separate me from the stories like I wanted dolls or all the other stereotypical female things or female actions are. Basically I was a very typical boy. However, i remember an instance from first grade thinking that I should be a girl. That was I believe my one of my first thoughts. There were also many others before puberty and before I knew the real difference between male and female. Now the big question is did I fell this way because my father was always gone working two jobs and my mother was home and could stay home and take care of things, Did I feel this way because I was always a little impulsive and did things without thinking and getting into trouble and by being a girl I would not be this way, Did I think that girls had it better because they were all things nice and I wanted to be the nice and sweet instead of the rough and tough. Did I think this way because I really did not fit in with( or maybe I felt that I really did not fit in with the other boys. You see that it one of the most troubling things I have had to work through in my journey up the mountain. Basically did I want to be a girl because I could escape my troubles as a boy or did I have these thoughts of wanting to be a girl because of actual inward thoughts that I was just not right as a boy. Now comes the paradox question if I would have been a girl would I have had these thoughts and problems or were these thoughts and problems a byproduct of my not feeling correct as a boy and wanting to be a girl.

Did the chicken of the egg come first?

Anne Elizabeth

[LeaP]

[edit] Redacted to devoid of content.

[Kathryn Martin]

Did I think this way because I really did not fit in with( or maybe I felt that I really did not fit in with the other boys. You see that it one of the most troubling things I have had to work through in my journey up the mountain. Basically did I want to be a girl because I could escape my troubles as a boy or did I have these thoughts of wanting to be a girl because of actual inward thoughts that I was just not right as a boy. Now comes the paradox question if I would have been a girl would I have had these thoughts and problems or were these thoughts and problems a byproduct of my not feeling correct as a boy and wanting to be a girl.

I think you put your finger on a very important important question there. Is the desire to transition fueled by a false impression that the grass is greener, more comfortable and convenient on the other side. Was the need to transition a comfort thing. This is a question I wrestled with too. This is also interestingly a question that applies only to older transitioners (I would say over 30). I answered this question for myself, and I have a feeling you did too.

[Marleena]

Actually Kim mentioned something important, asking others close to you as confirmation of what you remember. I used to ask my older sister if she remembered certain events I wasn't clear on. I have even asked my ex-wife do you remember me doing this or that? Then people (me) tend to hide or bury memories that are painful or disturbing and a good therapist can help you remember and deal with it.

Old habits die hard and I'm still not allowing myself to move on so it just might be time to go see that therapist again. We struggle for a reason. I'm spending way too much time here too. I just think it's sad that I have to take pills to feel "normal". What good am I here to help others when I can't even help myself?

Oh and to answer your question in the OP. I'm not a good liar, in fact I'm too honest at times.

[Sara Jessica]

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

...and by the way, while your listening, make me a little girl when I wake up.


You are correct Kathryn, A child of the tender age of 4 or 5 who exhibits certain playtime behaviors or fantastical dreams does not necessarily mean gender issues are in their future. But the simple narrative above is mine and fact of the matter is that I understood myself before I had any knowledge of the reason why.

I didn't require therapy to coax out memories or a narrative to explain what's at the essence of my being. Knowledge of who I am has always been remarkably clear. Yet in being alone with this knowledge caused my life to zig at times when it could have easily zagged. This leads me to where I am now, in a place I am committed to despite the storm which constantly rages in my heart & soul. I have basically found a rather large umbrella to help weather said storm.

It is what it is. I am true to myself and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters, isn't it?

[whowhatwhen]

I remember this being posted a while ago and it reminded me to sort of stay away from TS origin stories because it's too easy to say "ME TOO!" and create a feedback loop creating ideas from nothing.
Personally I treat the past as an anecdote. Some things line up but you can't treat them as hard data, patience and deep thought and reflection is where that comes.

[Marleena]

You know we could always create an interrogation room somewhere.:) Then we choose a member that is an expert at wording the same question multiple ways to catch inconsistencies. They get to interrogate all tranny suspects to see if they break under questioning. I'm just not sure what we do if they are found guilty.

[LeaP]

That would be OK, Marleena. I have a long history of taking on guilt. It wouldn't change a thing.

[Kimberly Kael]

The tendency to re-write history is one of the reasons I'm so adamantly opposed to strict definitions of who and who isn't transsexual. It's no coincidence that many who transitioned more than a decade ago tend to have remarkably similar narratives that don't necessarily resemble some of the more recent emerging narratives. They were, in many ways, crafted by the requirements of gatekeepers to conform to a simplistic model of what was expected.

Of course even without that influence it's still a fact of life that the way we describe our own history changes over time. We constantly revisit memories in the light of new discoveries and reinterpret them accordingly. I think it's healthy enough, so long as there isn't an external influence forcing us to come to a fixed conclusion.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

This is why i default to pragmatic, tangible things.

My memory of my memory of my earliest memories have both "evolved"... my narrative of my history includes the lens of current experience and the assumption that there was more happening than likely there ever was

Like Sara i have literally no doubt of my moments (which were in the bathtub, imagining the water "turning me into a girl" , or plotting to "change" on the way to college) which can somewhat inform how acted and how i think today...but they are a very small part of how i now live my best quality of life... they are like any memories...they are ephemeral and dated as of the moment i have them...

i like kim's thought about the emotional content being more complete than the specifics...
to me when someone launches into their history of all the stuff they went through , i listen more as a shoulder to cry on than thinking of the specifics..its the emotional content that matters..

i don't think very many people construct enough details to lead them to mistakenly transition, i think very many people construct enough details to believe themselves to be transsexual enough to suffer, or to come to the internet and demand validation

[Dawn cd]

We take the raw ingredients of our childhood and make bread of them—which is well, because we can't eat the raw ingredients. We can eat the bread. Every person's past (not just TS folk) has been processed. Jung called it "eating one's shadow." As we become older we become more integrated. But watch out, because you are casting a new shadow now, which your older self must integrate once more. And so it goes...

[Badtranny]

I noticed this a while back. I also noticed that my own narrative written over a couple of years and published for posterity in my blog began to apparently influence the narrative of others.

Or maybe my particular narrative isn't so particular after all.

There is no question though that some people just make shit up for whatever reason.

[LeaP]

...it's no coincidence that many who transitioned more than a decade ago tend to have remarkably similar narratives that don't necessarily resemble some of the more recent emerging narratives. They were, in many ways, crafted by the requirements of gatekeepers to conform to a simplistic model of what was expected.


Related, but different topic, I think. Back in the day, one lied through their teeth to get through. And the gatekeepers were quoted as saying that all transsexuals were liars!

I believe the focus of the OP to be constructed narratives that are false and which people actually believe. It is closely related to the topic of trans socialization she also recently raised.

There are narratives and there are narratives. I'm not the least troubled by a certain amount of generalization and gloss (call it BS if you want) by a transsexual, especially when trying to communicate the experience with non-trans people. When you get down to it, I'm not sure it matters much how much a transsexual believes their own BS. The transition need exists either way. The tragedies are those non-transsexuals who talk themselves into a transsexual narrative and wind up destroying their lives.

[Marleena]

Sometimes it's all about the boobs.lol.

[gonegirl]

And then we have transsexuals who will do anything short of killing themselves in order to not transition. The guilt of dumping our transition on our families can be the worst aspect of being true to oneself.

[Kathryn Martin]

I'm not the least troubled by a certain amount of generalization and gloss (call it BS if you want) by a transsexual, especially when trying to communicate the experience with non-trans people. When you get down to it, I'm not sure it matters much how much a transsexual believes their own BS. The transition need exists either way. The tragedies are those non-transsexuals who talk themselves into a transsexual narrative and wind up destroying their lives.

I find this observation really interesting. It is not uncommon to tell a story to explain a point, especially to people that do not have this condition. The real issue is do we lie to ourselves. If the BS though is that you are transsexual and you believe it then you have a serious problem on your hand. It matters much if you are dishonest with yourself or your therapist. The price you pay for this dishonesty come much later when it is actually - too late.

I think emotional impressions are much of what is really available because concrete specific memories are not at all common for a period that far back. It becomes very interesting though when concrete memories of others match the emotional impressions we have.

[LeaP]

...It becomes very interesting though when concrete memories of others match the emotional impressions we have.

I love this. It's one of the best formulations of resonance I have seen.

[Kimberly Kael]

Related, but different topic, I think. Back in the day, one lied through their teeth to get through [...] I believe the focus of the OP to be constructed narratives that are false and which people actually believe.

If you ask someone to repeat the same story over and over, and convince them that if they're truly transsexual then the story must be true – before long they'll start believing it themselves. That's what's so dangerous about it. If gatekeepers just insisted on a particular song and dance that'd be irritating, but when they actually influence someone by making them more desperate and depressed than they were to begin with? That's truly unfortunate. And it still happens far too often.

[whowhatwhen]

Edit:
The other possibility is that there really are common threads.

[LeaP]

Corinne, you must be seeing something that I'm not. This seems very amicable to me.

On the danger of false narratives, I though I was pretty specific. I.e., that they are less problematic for a transsexual than a non-transsexual from a transition damage standpoint.

Take someone (assume transsexuality for argument's sake) who has convinced themselves they are autogynephiliac because of what they regard as fetish issues ... but is not autogynephiliac. They transition. If the congruence and GD problem is solved, my position is so what. That there may be some issues that fall out from the "autogynephilia" is too theoretical for me.

[whowhatwhen]

I think along those lines as well, it's important to be honest but I don't believe we can infer someone's validity just from what they write over the internet.
Somehow I doubt we are fully capable of expressing the emotions involved using just text.
So while you can have crossdressing when young was an indicator of transsexuality to you, the writing of it and reading it in text form doesn't convey the personal meaning and emotion you may take from it.

The problem I have with adding (x) more gatekeepers is that they're not always free or accessible and that like anti-piracy measures it's not even going to affect who it's supposed to.
The poor transwoman might not be able to afford yet another gatekeeper while some people who are lying their way through are just going to lie right through all your safeguards.

[Kathryn Martin]

The problem I have with adding (x) more gatekeepers is that they're not always free or accessible and that like anti-piracy measures it's not even going to affect who it's supposed to.
The poor transwoman might not be able to afford yet another gatekeeper while some people who are lying their way through are just going to lie right through all your safeguards.

It is interesting that often the innocuous writing reveals much more than the writer intends.

When you look at surgery statistics to the extent that they are available the number of transsexuals seeking surgery is fairly consistent since such statistics are available with the occasional blip when eligibility processes are changed but only to return to the previous numbers. So if you consider the Quebec population (8 Mio.) which has the most long standing statistics, the number are consistently in the 1:31000 range for MtF transsexuals. This is true both before and after the stringent Metropolitain standards were opened to allow clearance for people assessed by other therapists.

The direct relationship to the issue of truthful narratives at least for me is clear. In my view there are two necessary gatekeepers: your family doctor for hormone treatment and your clinical psychologist who assesses if you have all of your marbles enough to make a decision to have SRS and are not delusional.

The reality of actual gatekeeping is a little more involved than lying your way through safeguards. That is not so easy. It's a little bit like lying under oath. People think they can do it, they can beat a skilled cross-examiner, but that's just what they think. I doesn't work that way.

[whowhatwhen]

Isn't that just standard procedure working as intended?
Aside from informed consent I thought that was just the way it's done where you needed that letter saying you're fit for HRT, let alone GRS.

[KellyJameson]

For me I have always craved self understanding because I have had so little of it. I think this craving is in those as a reflection of the absence of self understanding.

We live in these gender vessels and the vessel is designed to be discovered and known by design so labelling ourselves is a complusion as identity building commences and you see all children doing this.

This identity is built around the vessel and the building is done by knowing the shape of our face, the name we are called and thousands of other forms of personal information but the transsexual cannot do this so is frustrated by the complusion to do that which is easily and automatically done by others.

The brain shapes the mind and the mind knows itself beyond just what it see's but also what it experiences and these experiences answer the question "who am I" and "what am I"

The mind is imperfect in its memory and certainly the need to re-write history is strong in those who simply want relief from what torments them but the transsexual can ill afford to mislable their torments

The transsexual needs the truth because they have spent every moment being deceived and regardless of what they say or how they re-write their history they are still a transsexual because it is a physical thing, not a mental thing and this physical thing creates very specific mental experiences.

You are either a transsexual or you are not and it really does not matter what you do or say because you cannot become a transsexual anymore than you can stop being one.

It just is, but certainly anyone can apply the label to themselves if they are so inclined.

We identify with what we know and a transsexual can only know themselves one way.