A Room Alone

[LeaP]

Every once in a while I'm reminded how little things have changed. I've been in a management team offsite all week. Meetings all day and dinners and events every night. I've been on.

I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. As I write this, I'm at the company's west coast Christmas party. After a couple of hours of meet and greet, socializing, and in general pretending to be interested and engaged, I found a room by myself to decompress - something I have not had to do for awhile.

I don't want to go back. But I have to. I'm going to be selling myself to some senior execs, plus I'm something of a target for the climbers who want my attention. I'm going to be in tears or in self-reproachment tonight in my hotel room. Probably both. If there's a light in this tunnel it's that it's taken days and not hours to reach this point.

God I feel dirty and I want to sleep.

[stefan37]

Then finish what you need to. Go take a shower and sleep. Tomorrow is a new beginning.

[Marleena]

Take the time to unwind and recharge the batteries a bit and knock 'em dead!

Get a well deserved rest tonight you, deserve it.

[docrobbysherry]

I believe u need to do what the girls above recommend. THEN, later on, when you're rested and able think clearly, look at the goals you've set in the past, those that u have set for the future, and where u r now.

U may have gotten off target somewhere along the line. Or, need to examine and reset yours. All of us get so involved with the process sometimes, that we forget where we r and how we got there! Just be sure where your going is worth the process you're suffering thru now!

I feel for u, Lea!

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know what it is....maybe the holidays. I have felt lately like I just want to hide. Maybe I am moving too fast, maybe I am just tired. Maybe I just think too much.

Sometimes being alone makes me feel better, however it bothers me still how much better it makes me feel.

[LeaP]

There may be a touch of the holidays in this ... I always had trouble at this time of year.

It wasn't as bad afterward as I feared. I still kind of beat on myself for avoiding. But yes, Angela, I feel better by myself, too.

The pressure and panic "escape" episode was still a throwback to when I had to do this a dozen times per day.

[mary something]

That sounds very difficult. You're really between a rock and a hard place it seems.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea I had a very similar experience at our companies Christmas party...it was almost one year to the day prior to my leaving the company to transition..

Our party was a huge event in a wonderfully decorated building...lots of high profile people as my company was a leader in our town..

It was unbearable... just start with all the xmas party outfits and very feminine looking women... then all the work folks...clients, vendors..all wanting to wish me merry merry xmas!!!!
I parked my car in the basement of that building...i sat inside and felt an indescribable emptiness...i had to go back too...but i went up for fifteen minutes and slipped out the door to go home...

everyone said "where did you go" and i lied and said I was around...

it was horrible..i can't put a word on it to sugarcoat... it was one of many moments that convinced me that living as a male was unsustainable.

[LeaP]

That's it exactly, Kaitlyn. I can't tell you how many times I've come late and left early. ... Same thing - I lie and say I was all over the place. Last night I arrived 45 minutes late and stayed about an hour (including my 15 minute time-out). I repeatedly walked through areas where I didn't know anyone, took several unnecessary bathroom trips, and excused myself to move on as quickly as I could once engaged. You can cram a whole lot of busy nothing into such an event if you try.

Then when I left, I didn't wait for one of the shuttles back to the office, look for anyone going back to my hotel, or even grab a cab out front (lest someone want to share). I got out of Dodge as fast as I could and walked several blocks away to hail a cab.

I'm kind of laughing now, because it was as bad as you described at the time ... And it was better than it has been at such things in the past. It will probably continue to be funny right up to next event ...

[stefan37]

Maybe you have to accelerate the process going fulltime Lea , Only you can determine your pace. Social anxiety is pretty common and not just to trans individuals. Will interacting as a woman especially in the beginning where we are in a very awkward stage be any less stressful? One of the things I have discovered transitioning is the process of continually stepping out of our comfort zone, only to step into another one. It seems to be one big process of living outside our comfort zone, regardless of how at peace we may feel. Maybe at the next party or social or even business meeting force yourself to interact with others regardless how uncomfortable it makes you feel. But interact as you feel internally, not as you think you should because of your position. Being accepted for you involves posessing the self confidence to handle uncomfortable situations. Just some food for thought.

[Marleena]

I realize my post wasn't very helpful but I had no idea what to say other than a little encouragement. Ducking out for a few and regaining your composure was the right thing to do under the circumstances.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

my last year of work prior to leaving included most days sleeping in my car and lying about where I was..

it also included two panic attacks just walking down the street with business associates...both time I feigned running into a bathroom..

[Dawn cd]

Not clear why you felt so stressed. Is it because you were presenting as female or where you just tired and overworked? Introverts (like me) can get stressed just being in large groups of people for a long time. We need solitude to recharge our emotional batteries

[LeaP]

Presenting male and worn out from maintaining the front. Too much, too long.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Same here. I didn't transition on my job. No one at work had any idea what was going on with me.

[Angela Campbell]

Dawn, the problem is pretending to be someone you are not, which becomes a huge irritant all the way down into your soul. There is also the stress of making sure no one knows you are doing so. It is the exhaustion of having to live outside of your identity in public.


Lea,........."too much, too long"..........yeah I know.

[StephanieC]

Lea, my heart goes out to you. But may I ask why you felt so strongly? If you were presenting female, how would your situation change? Is it more than the "skin"...do you cloth yourself in the trappings of maleness?

I ask because I thought alot about your post and how I see myself these days. I think I look different to many people who have known me awhile but I think I ask pretty much the same. I've been wondering lately if people treat me different because I don't quite fit the model. And I feel I might be paying some price at work because I don't necessarily conform to stereotypes. But at the same time, I think some people have forgotten how I have looked...they remember my essence. And there are mannerisms I have that that probably don't conform to stereotypes of people my age either. But these are who I am.

So the question back to you is whether you are being true to your essence? We can modify the externals but the internals are a bit tougher. If you are still inside the person you truly are, does that offer any solace?

Regards,
-stephani

[KellyJameson]

Feeling dirty shows you know the experience of feeling clean and this is only possible when living as a hypocrite becomes intolerable.

Transitioning is the attempt to live truthfully when it is not the act to live falsely.

Transitioning is a movement into either extreme truth or extreme falsehood and there is no in-between for the transitioner who will either move deeper in to suffering or move out of the suffering they were in but in both instances there is suffering during the movement.

The difference is one heals and the other wounds.

Feeling dirty is a sign you are healing.

Transsexuals are born into a hypocrisy not of their making leaving them always struggling with good and evil as good mental health or sick mental health

[LeaP]

... may I ask why you felt so strongly? If you were presenting female, how would your situation change? Is it more than the "skin"...do you cloth yourself in the trappings of maleness?

...
So the question back to you is whether you are being true to your essence? We can modify the externals but the internals are a bit tougher. If you are still inside the person you truly are, does that offer any solace?


The emotions were strong because I was tired after a week of being on, day and night.

Were I presenting female, I would be more relaxed about interactions. (Though I have Arbon's recent posts about interacting with people who know you well in mind in this regard.) I'll doubt I'll ever be a social butterfly.

Yes, I display many of the trappings of maleness, particularly by projecting a commanding presence when I speak. I tend to dominate meetings. I've been able to take it down a couple of notches, but it is still there. I don't dress the part, which has always taken people off their guard.

I know what I am inside. No problem there, really, other than the lingering effects of repression and depression. Knowing who I am inside is not solace ... it defines the initial problem set. I don't believe it possible to be true to my essence without living it.

[Jonianne]

Lea, also know that when you do transition on the job, it will likely still be uncomfortable. I transitioned on the job 6 months ago and this was my first time at our Christmas party in a dress. No one sat near me and a few completely ignored me. I was thankful for some that spoke to me like a human being, but it could have been very uncomfortable for me, if I had let them get to me. But I did try to be a social butterfly, at least a little bit, and some were kind to me. I was very modest in a two piece dress, so there was nothing that anyone could really say and my transition has been totally open. All in all, I was still able to enjoy myself. I was glad my female boss gave me a hug before I left.

I know how you feel, though, in the past years it was very depressing to go in male mode and you always dream all will be well when you finally get to be the gender you are. Its sad others (some co-workers) don't always see it that way.

[Debglam]

The things we do to put food on the table! :sad:

Don't feel too bad Lea. In the military we used to call events like this "mandatory fun."

Just hang in there and realize that work is only a part of your life. A small part if you are lucky!

Deb

[mikiSJ]

Lea, I have felt your pain! Fortunately, it doesn't last long and the recovery is quick.

The only good thing that came out of the last housing recession (I have been through 7 of them) is that we didn't have to go to anymore 'Executive Retreats". Sure, we stayed in 5 Star resorts, but I had to listen to Art Laffer explain to the 1%ers in the group (I wasn't a part of that) about how Romney's 47% were going to take us down. I always recovered and went back to making real estate deals.

You will, too!