Is it common?

[Angela Campbell]

I am going through a very awkward time right now. Due to some agreements I made, and the plans I have for transition, I cannot be me all the time yet. I know I am doing the right thing as I am working up to the transition at work in a well thought out manner and I still have confidence that I am doing this in the best way I can and have the full support of those around me. I have agreements with my employer who is firmly supportive.

The problem is it is becoming so much harder to wait and feels so uncomfortable every day as a man at work. I can see the end but it still feels untouchable. I feel like I am halfway, a freak of sorts. Shouldn't I feel a little better as the progress is continuing?

Is this something that is common during the time immediately before going full time? I ask only for responses from those who are full time or within a month or two of being full time.

[emma5410]

Hi Angela,

This is very familiar. I had a plan to go full time in May/June of this year. My company etc all agreed and were onside. I had a list of things I wanted to do more work on, electrolysis, voice, HRT, going out more as Emma. Everything was moving along and I was making progress. Then in November it started to get more and more difficult living as a man. I thought making progress would be enough but it was something that was happening to me rather than something I was fully in control of.

By the end of November I realised that I could not continue as I was until May. So I brought it forward to March, then February and finally went full time in January.
By the end the GD was very difficult to cope with.
Hopefully it will not get so bad for you and you can stick to your plan.

[Angela Campbell]

I kind of have to. I need to have the legal name change before changing over for work as I have to show ID to get into security areas many days. That and the FFS I am having next month are all I am waiting on, but it is getting harder as I get closer.

Emma, did it get better once you went full time?

[emma5410]

Yes. The change was quite dramatic. The GD basically disappeared. Life felt almost impossible in those last few weeks but it just lifted when I was finally full time. Of course being full time brought its own problems.

[Aprilrain]

Yes the closer I got to full time the harder it was to wait. I quit my job and haven't worked since so I can't speak to that but I can speak to wether things get better after full time. For me it took time.....a lot of time! I was going through so much and a deep depression set in, I fought anti depresents until I just couldn't take it any longer. I started taking them just a month before I had FFS. The combination of anti depressants and FFS greatly improved my quality of life. But it took time.

[stefan37]

That awkward feeling will be with you a long time so get used to it. Going full time especially in the work environment is nothing like saying you are transitioning ans still working as a male. You will not change your name, have facial surgery and show up at work and be a woman. It is a process. Customers and fellow employees will need time to acclimate. People calling you by your old name and using him and he will be commonplace. They may not intentionally use it but, trust me they will and it will not be maliciously. I have been full time at work for much longer than the date when I went full time socially and had my name changed. My employees and customers still use the old name. Pronouns are an even tougher thing for them to get used to.

I had a burning desire to get ffs and it was driving me insane I can't afford it yet. As I have been integrating and interacting with employees, customers and business networking groups, they have accepted me as I am and those new people I meet treat me with respect and use the proper pronouns. I still ant ffs, but the burning desire to have it now at all costs has diminished and it has leveled off and become more tolerable.

It is the anticipation level of what is coming that is leaving you so anxious. Take your time, change will come, just much slower than you would like.

Funny story, I went to a business meeting Tues and I took one of my guys to become the regular weekly member. I told him to concentrate on using my name and proper pronouns. That meeting went well and I was treated with respect and they used proper pronouns. Wed I went to another networking group we have belonged to for about 8 months. My director of marketing attends and my CFO subs. I went and I was going to introduce myself, but my director jumped and said this is Stephanie, he err she is the owner of the company. I have known him for over 25 years. It was an honest mistake. The meeting went well and I was treated well. Hell even now if someone calls me unexpectedly or I talk to someone I have known for a long time I sometimes screw up and use my old name. It happens.

Don't get too upset, it will change in time. You will be able to quickly figure out those that are sincere and unknowingly make a mistake, and those that are just malicious. There will also be those commit minor aggressions daily in a passive fashion. It will be subtle, but you will learn to recognize it and eventually not deal with them.

Enjoy your journey, You are going to be fine, but it will take some time for others to get used to the idea you are a different person in some ways. Develop a good sense of humor about it and you will be treated with the respect you expect and deserve.

GOOD LUCK :)

[Kimberly Kael]

Oh, yes. Very much so. When it's tangible, just around the next corner, the longing was at its strongest for me. Somewhat like a kid the week before Christmas. I found it helpful to have a series of milestones to mark progress. Legal name change, documentation, coming out to select allies, etc. in the end, though, the day I socially transitioned couldn't arrive fast enough.

[mary something]

I am going through a very awkward time right now. Due to some agreements I made, and the plans I have for transition, I cannot be me all the time yet.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad right now. I simply wanted to ask who are you being right now?

Is it simply because you don't look the way you wish you did? Please consider that it is impossible to even know exactly how ffs will turn out and what you will look like then (I'm not saying it won't be a success, simply that you cannot have a photo of yourself from a year or two in the future to look at).

Do you expect to feel like a completely different person then? Is it possible that you will still feel like you just without the dysphoric frustration of not seeing female in the mirror at all times?

What is keeping you from being the woman you are at work in other ways?

If you don't feel it is appropriate for me to ask you these questions I will delete my post. However you spoke of distress you are feeling, then said in a later post that FFS will help solve this problem. However your initial concern was that you weren't being YOU.

Is it a list of specific thoughts,behaviors, and mannerisms that you refuse to allow yourself to express? If so have you considered that if you begin doing that freely now it will be one less thing to try and begin doing later while recovering from surgery? Do you think it will help your workmates understand you better if emotionally they are allowed to perceive you as the woman you are no matter how you look at the time?

It is incredibly difficult at first to live and express yourself as the woman you are in the man suit you inhabit. Trust that I know this very well, it feels like you are breaking every internal rule of behavior that you have ever lived by, the stress is really hard at first but it gets much easier quickly once you see that people will still accept you and like you once they've had time to process it. Because of my personal situation it was something that I had to force myself to do to keep from completely losing it. Maybe the stress you are feeling is the urge to do so but you can't give yourself permission to until you have a new face?

How will your coworkers respond to you if you show up with a new face AND a new personality? Will it make sense to them that you are finally being "authentic" if everything perceivable about the person they've known is different?

You do not have to justify any actions that hurt no one else except to simply say "I like this".

Sorry if my questions are inappropriate or too probing. I think a very important part of revealing our true selves to people is doing so in a way that makes the most sense to them so that they understand why we do what we do. If you feel my experiences do not correlate enough with yours for this to be of any assistance then I accept that. I'm simply offering you what I have learned in building a romantic relationship with someone in such a manner that transition is not only accepted but encouraged by my partner.

If they understand the need first perhaps they will accept the solution later with more ease?

[arbon]

My transition at work was a long, insanely stressful 2 year ordeal.

It was one and a half years between the time I talked about transitioning with them until I defied my employer and legally changed my name. About another 6 months for my boss to simmer down about it and to start treating me like a person again.



it was very hard living trying to maintain both identities. One for my employer, one for the rest of my life.


When are you legally changing your name?

[Angela Campbell]

Arbon,
I have started the process to change my name but waiting for a court date to be set. Should be final in the first couple of months of 2014.

Mary,
Who am I being? Sometimes I am still being that guy I pretended to be for 50 years, at least as much as I can. That is not me, but until I can get the name change I am stuck with it.
Getting the facial surgery is not an issue. Yes I am looking forward to it and I expect it will help me but it is not the issue. The issue is having to wait. Except for a few improvements I am pretty satisfied with how I look as a lady.
I do not see my fellow employees on a daily basis, usually a couple of times a year so I have no worries about fitting in with them. They barely know me anyway.
The problem is not being able to be either one. I cannot be the woman all the time, although when I can be I am pretty comfortable, but in between I am presenting as a male and I really do not think I am doing a very good job of that anymore. I feel like I am in between and I think it shows, as I am being misgendered when I am trying to be the man. (never happens when I am presenting as me) Too many things are beginning to show that are a giveaway that something is different about me.
I cannot go full time at work until I get the name change due to many reasons such as access to secure areas and showing ID - which is getting hard too as I do not look like my drivers license at all anymore.

Kimberly,
Yes that is it....a lot like a kid waiting on Christmas.....

[mary something]

sorry I didn't understand. You've done a lot of work over a long period of time and now you're so close... but you still have to wait. It's the things that are out of my control that always bother me the most. Hang in there!

[Angela Campbell]

Someone today reminded me of something they told me 6 months ago. The closer you get ...the more you want it. She also reminded me that at that time 6 or 7 months ago I was sure it would take me well over a year to go full time. (don't ya hate it when people remind you what you said) She was right.
Now I guess I have set up everything and there is really nothing to do but wait and it is driving me nuts. Is it normal to get worse right up to the end? I guess so.

[Badtranny]

I think you need to stop think of yourself as him and her. You are not waiting for a new beginning, you are simply waiting for a procedure and a name change. At this point why are you even bothering to act like a man? Just relax and be yourself, tell your friends to start calling you by your new name. Embrace your journey, because you have a long way to go yet. You probably won't be "passing" all that well for the first year of full-time anyway, so then will you be waiting till you pass? Waiting till you lose weight? There will always be something to wait for. Stop it.

There was a time in my transition when I was obsessed with losing weight and I eventually did, but there was always something that I felt wasn't good enough, another reason to wait. I finally realized that losing weight was important but it was even MORE important to LOSE THE WAIT. Enjoy your life now.

For me, the impatience wasn't so much going full-time, it was coming out. I came out to everyone a year before I expected to. Come out as openly transitioning to everyone you know. I got so addicted to coming out to people that I was kinda sad when there was no one left to tell. Stop acting, stop pretending, start loving where you are right now.

[Angela Campbell]

I cannot do that Melissa. I have been asked by my company not to let this out until we are ready and I am going full time. It would be easy to say WTH and behave and look as I wish, but there are other factors to consider. When I am not at work I am always being me completely, but I still have to pretend to be a man as much as I can at work for a little while longer. I am not going to just forget about the plans and preparations I have made, and I am not giving up the respectable salary I need.

I do not think of myself as he and her. Not at all but it is the only way I can describe some of the things going on. I know who I am and I am pretty happy with both my life at present and my appearance. I am just so damn tired of pretending 50 or 60 hrs a week.

In truth I am not sure I either act or look much like a man at work, but still....

[mary something]

You have a medical condition that causes you problems when you have to act like a man because you arent'. They are aware of it. just stop pretending, at least to your superiors it will make sense emotionally to them then. Keep the male name and uniform until they say it's ok, the more natural you act the quicker they'll fix your uniform! If they get upset about you acting too feminine tell them that would be against medical advice. ok, maybe not that last part. You'll be a better employee! You'll be happier and more comfortable right? most importantly you'll probably be more productive!

[stefan37]

I don't get that. They don't want you to be yourself. But like turning on a switch in a month the next day you can? I can understand the name change because as you say security clearances. But how can they dictate you being you. What do they think. You get a name change and presto your a woman. It is way more complicated than that.

[Badtranny]

but I still have to pretend to be a man as much as I can at work for a little while longer....

I don't understand this at all Ang, how are you pretending exactly? Are you talking about sports or babes or something? If I had to wear men's clothes to work for some weird reason, I can guarantee you that I wouldn't act any differently, but then again I don't exactly flounce around the office as it is. What are you purposefully doing to keep people believing that you're a dude other than wearing a dudes clothes?

I guess what I'm trying to say is just dump the angst. You're on the juice and you're actively transitioning and working towards your full time date so what's the problem? Relax and be you. No woman I know swishes down the hall like a drag queen anyway. Stop pretending already.

[Angela Campbell]

It is kind of hard to explain, I guess. When at work there are several things different. The way I look is one, (hair, clothes, shoes, no makeup and I wear glasses) the other is using a male name, being called him or sir, and I guess the knowledge that I am keeping this huge secret. I really don't know. It wasn't really bothering me much for a long time, but it seems the closer I get the more it seems to.

No I do not now nor have ever talked to the men who I have worked with about sports, (well ok sometimes football) cars, motorcycles or "babes". One reason I always felt out of place and never really knew how to talk to most of them once the conversation moved away from a technical subject. (unless they are a musician) I usually just sit quietly when they do that. Going to lunch with them at Hooters is an experience. As far as I know I do not look or act much like a drag queen either. At least I hope not.

[Rianna Humble]

I don't understand this at all

It's OK Melissa, we know that there are experiences you haven't had and cannot understand. Fortunately others have had sufficiently similar experiences to be able to offer support.

[Badtranny]

It's OK Melissa, we know that there are experiences you haven't had and cannot understand. Fortunately others have had sufficiently similar experiences to be able to offer support.

Well okay, but it wasn't really the experience I was talking about and my immediate follow up question sort of bore that out but whatever.

I believe I was trying to offer support and I actually got a PM from someone who was quite taken by my thoughts. She also correctly predicted that I would be ignored or vilified. My larger point is you people need to get out of your own heads and stop pretending that YOUR experience is SO unique that the laws of common sense and normal human behavior don't seem to apply. You are either relaxed and comfortable in your own skin or you're not, and anybody who thinks a day on the calendar or a name change is gonna make a difference needs to re-think.

These are the lessons I learned from my own transition and they were hard lessons that I can assure you are universal in some regard.

[mary something]

and I guess the knowledge that I am keeping this huge secret. I really don't know. It wasn't really bothering me much for a long time, but it seems the closer I get the more it seems to.

I've felt this way before and it was a really tough situation. Don't underestimate how horrible that can make you feel. I'm sorry if my questions earlier implied a deficiency on your part, I didn't understand how you phrased the problem though. Maybe that is what Melissa said when she was talking about how she felt sad when there wasn't anyone else to come out to. Feeling like you are holding something back from everyone and being completely fake is a horrible feeling. For me it was better afterwards even though for example with family they think it is simply an exotic form of gay in denial.

In my earlier post I was simply trying to say that if you find yourself doing anything fake to try and fit in for social comfort now would be a good time to stop doing that. The folks that work with you will be experiencing a LOT of change in how they perceive you very soon. The longer a time span that they have to process that you are different the better they will be able to do so. It's been my experience that if someone first feels that you are different but can't quite put a label on it then they tend to accept an explanation that makes sense better rather than if they feel forced to accept you as a woman when socially they can't recollect feeling that energy come from you before.

this might sound silly but there is a neighborhood market very close to where I live. I'm in there constantly, every other day at least for years. I know everyone who works there by name. A few years ago I was in there with my daughters buying makeup with them. The manager is a nice guy but I think he is a closet dresser. He rang us up and it was a big bag full of makeup, he looked up and said something to the effect of "none of that's for YOU is it?" and then kinda chuckled. I was just honest and said only the stuff that matched my skin tone and then laughed in a friendly way. He looked taken aback because I had broken the social code of males but the fact that I didn't care and could just be me felt much better than worrying about what he thought or what he might say after I leave. He's always been nice and polite since then. I didn't say I'm trans, or I crossdress or anything like that. People will make up their own minds what you are and there is very little we can do to influence that other than owning our feelings enough to not be uncomfortable and not feel threatened by their curiosity. Curiosity that many times doesn't feel very comfortable and can be misinterpreted as not being accepted or being attacked.

I don't know if that example is helpful, you might think I'm silly for even bringing it up. To me dysphoria is the feeling of lying by TRYING to tell the truth that was lied to you before you knew it. Giving that up is really nice. The longer you've been digging the hole though the harder it is to climb out of it.

[Angela Campbell]

The posts you made Melissa were helpful to me more than you would think. They made me think about this in ways I would not have before. If anyone sent you those kinds of PM's I am sorry, I would not agree with them nor did I take it that way. Whether or not you had the same experiences is of no difference, you did make me look at it from another angle. Unfortunately it pushed me into trying to explain something I seem to have trouble verbalizing. I value all the posts you write here.

Mary...actually that makes a LOT of sense. Some are questioning me, and I am getting anxious to let it out and quit hiding. They will put two and 2 together soon.

I can be patient....as long as I don't have to wait very long.

[Badtranny]

Thanks Ang, but you misunderstood. I had a PM from someone who had very positive things to say about my post. Nobody wrote anything negative at all, except the mod.

I'm glad you were able to take something from my thoughts. I was hoping you would, but I was also writing for the other girls who may be experiencing something similar, yet they never post. We are not so different, as there is an element of universality to our experience. All humans will feel some degree of cold as the temperature drops and all of us will also feel a certain amount of anxiety as we approach a change. This is the human condition.

I am not some mean old shrew (otherwise I would look into being a mod somewhere), I am a simple transgender woman who has a talent for absorbing my life's lessons. An experience can be profound if you can remember how it feels, but only if you are able to learn something from it. I am only here to try and impart these experiences and lessons to the girls who are doing something that I did myself only a short couple of years ago. I don't always make an effort to be sweet about it, but that's probably because there was nothing sweet about these lessons when I encountered them myself.

Life is a much crueler headmistress than I could ever be.

[mary something]

Angela, I can only give examples based on MY personality and what I've learned from my experiences so it may or may not make sense to you or even fit your situation. How about the next time the guys are discussing lunch and Hooters comes up get involved enough in the social circle to get asked if you want to go. Then just let them know that you really appreciate them asking but they probably know you well enough to know that it isn't really your thing but you want them to have fun. Tell them you really appreciate them asking though. then a day or two later bake them a cake, if you live in the south you can't go wrong with a Paula Deen mountain dew cake or some other similar regional favorite. Bring it to work along with some plates and utensils and cut a nice piece for each of them and serve it to them. Just be nice and tell them you hope they enjoy it.

That is something I could do, I like to cook. I bake a cake for my son's teachers every year and go to his school and serve it to all of the folks in his class for Christmas. It makes a powerful social statement if you live in the american south to make and serve food to someone else and not be paid for it if you are a man or perceived as one. I bring a copy of the recipe along and share it if anyone asks.

Your solution to those situations needs to come from your personality and interests, so that it comes out as natural. Whatever you can do to make it clear that 1) you are not a "normal dude" 2) you are a nice person and 3) you are not threatening will help a lot to prepare people for your physical transition at work.

I think it is shortsighted to only view gender dysphoria as wishing to LOOK completely female. Because then when we are confronted with SOCIAL situations like this we tend to think that it is not related to our transition and view possible solutions in terms of changing our LOOK. That adage about if your only tool is a hammer every problem looks like a nail is so true in this situation.

Reread your posts. You talked about the stress and anxiety you are feeling. you gave possible reasons for it except gender dysphoria, maybe it's Christmas, etc. Then by the end you were concluding that the best way to feel better was by a combination of altering your physical appearance or having an authority figure announce that you are female. I think Melissa had an excellent point about losing the wait. Let people start to know who you are emotionally, let them see a glimpse of your soul and I think the dysphoria you are feeling right now will be much less whether we agree that it is dysphoria or not. In my opinion its the social aspect of gender dysphoria.

[Leah Lynn]

Melissa, I did get something from your post. I'm on hrt, tentatively planning to start rle in about a year. I have to wear a uniform to work, that's all male attire. I have to work, so I have to wear something, and since I'm around animal "byproducts" and chemicals, I'll wear them, rather than ruin my own clothing. I have a pair in B cups, so they show. My hair is getting long. I shave my arms, legs, body. It's getting obvious that something's up. I have been working very hard at not walking, moving like a neanderthal. The guys I work with do joke around, but so do I. I don't swish (much), and my mannerisms are becoming more and more femme. I'm thinking that when I do transition on the job, they'll say that I had already.

However, how do we gauge how feminine one should aim for? I'll never be a hot babe. But I don't want to resemble someone from "The People of Walmart" either. I have to consider my age as well. At 62, I'm not going to run around in mini's and cami's. Yeah, that's a bad image; pass the mental floss...