Did you get my Message?

[Paula_56]

In the transgender community, the use of the terms “pass” or “passing” is controversial. What’s ironic is that we all use it in one form or another, but camouflage it with politically correct language. What’s even more interesting is if you ever go to Reddit’s Transpassing or any one of the other related sub Reddits you would discover that the younger members of our community didn’t get the memo and talk about passing all day long.

I prefer to use the phrase “present as a woman." If I am looking for a comment, I’ll ask how was my presentation. With all that being said, we all have some very definite opinions about the issue. Before you click the comment link below, let me say a few things first.

What made the subject very clear and even defined for me the why we do this was something my wife said to me a few weeks ago. Having recently traded in her shoulder length hair for a pixie cut, she was still getting comfortable with such short hair. While we were getting ready for a Saturday morning of fellowship and brush-cutting at the church picnic grove, she put on blue jeans and a flannel shirt. I’ll admit discreetly to the 5000 or so readers of this board that she did look a bit boyish.

One look in the mirror brought about a shriek. Not expecting this response, I looked over and asked, “What’s the matter, honey?”

“Oh my gosh, I look like a man!” she blustered as she headed for her closet.

After 25 years of marriage, I came back with a practiced response that I learned before my first anniversary, “Sweetheart, you look beautiful.”

As she positioned herself in front of the mirror, this time in a jean skirt and scalloped linen top, she breathed a sigh of relief, “There, I at least want the people to know that I am a woman!”

Wow, Bam, Bazinga! Yes read it again ladies: “There, I at least want the people to know that I am a woman!”

Transgender women just want the human race to know that we are women!

The hair, the makeup, clothes, lingerie, voice lessons, and of course, shoes are all gestures to the world that we are women. Just like the jean skirt and scalloped top that was nowhere near as practical for clearing brush that morning, they served a vital purpose for my wife; they signaled the world that she was a woman and validated her identity. It brought her appearance more in line with who she felt she was.

Just like the cowboy who wears his hat, jeans and boots in the airport, he is saying to the world, "These clothes reflect who I am, a culture that I belong to, a philosophy that I adhere too, and a vocation that I perform."

The banker, the rocker, and the professor --- they all send a message with their clothes.
That is the reason we do this --- we want people to know who we are. That deep down, under the five o'clock shadow and receding hairline, we all have to some varying extent the hearts and souls of feminine beings.

That’s why we so often ask about passing, presenting or how do I look? It is the reason why in the transgender community, we take more pictures than most tourists. Ever notice that you are the only person at the family reunion that knows exactly how to work the self-timer on the camera! We want acknowledgement, we are sending radio waves out into the Universe and listening, searching, longing to know if we are being heard.

With that in mind, instead of asking “Do I pass?”

Let’s try asking, "Did you get my message?"

(pause)

"Yes, Ma'am."

[Jamie Christopher]

Great post Paula, and you look great by the way!

Jamie

[rachael.davis]

Got your message, and that's a lovely picture

[KayleeTaylor]

Heard it loud and clear, thank you! Really insightful, you are a beautiful woman :)

:hugs:

Kaylee :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

Excellent post and a unique take on "presenting" in public. It is interesting in that we (humans - male and female) have several identities. There is the global "me" or who I am and a whole host of identities I take on depending on my function. There is military me where in the past I donned combats, dark glasses, military gear and made the life of SOF wannabes a miserable existence. There is the now military me where I don a military uniform, sit and greet clients with a warm and accepting smile and listen to what they want out their military careers. There is boy me at home who likes to clear brush, work on cars, build computers (albeit sometimes girl me builds computers as well), do renovations. Of course there is girl me who likes to go out and present to the world as just that . . . girl me.

In each of these cases the exterior (clothes, gestures, hair, make-up, military kit, dark glasses, etc.) are just that a shell designed to present in the identity of question. If I was to show up at a military training session dressed as Isha or with a warm smile of a military psychologist, then the identity would not match the situation (I would not present well). The under current is that the "global me" is the same regardless of the exterior. The exterior just defines the moment.

I don't try to pass as a woman, but I do present as a woman because that identity requires me to do so to normalize the process much the same way I don military kit when required because it defines that identity at the time. Bear in mind that this is me as a CDer, and I am cognizant that TS gals define themselves as female not male.

Very good post.

Hugs

Isha

[Zylia]

Perfect writeup Paula, this needs to brought up the next time someone starts one of those "passing" threads.

I for one hold no illusion that someone would actually confuse me for a 'natural' woman under scrutiny, and while people may compliment me on my appearance, they obviously do take into account that I'm 'just' a guy ("You're a beautiful woman! For a guy."). The need (and enjoyment) of trying to present myself as a woman is part of my identity and regardless of why I have that need, that's what I try to express. All the better if someone thinks I did a decent job, and lucky me if I actually 'fool' someone.

[NicoleScott]

Presenting as a woman and passing are two different things. It is possible to present as a woman without passing. When I transform head to toe I may be presenting a woman, but that does assure me that I will pass.
Presenting as a woman is something you can do in closet, but you can't pass without leaving the closet.
Enough with the political correctness. Let's not ban the word "passing".
Paula, you do present well as a woman, and I'm sure you can pass.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe another shorter version could be PAAW or PAW. Present as Woman.

[Paula_56]

Let's not ban the word "passing".

Bravo Nicole, One of my points exactly, What cisgendered woman ie. (my wife) doesn't want to "pass".

[melanie206]

Perfect writeup Paula, this needs to brought up the next time someone starts one of those "passing" threads.
The need (and enjoyment) of trying to present myself as a woman is part of my identity and regardless of why I have that need, that's what I try to express. All the better if someone thinks I did a decent job, and lucky me if I actually 'fool' someone.

Zylia, I think you nailed it here. Thanks.

[bridget thronton]

Excellent post

[Zylia]

No-one wants to ban the word 'passing', there's nothing inherently wrong with 'aiming for the stars', it's just that it's a pipe dream. Instead of finding an excuse for your 'failings' you can adopt a more constructive and positive approach like Paula suggested. I'm not sure it that was the message, but that's what I take away from it.

[Lynn Marie]

Dang Paula, that was a really well thought out and very well done dissertation. It's what I do instinctively, but I've never thought it through with such clarity. Thanks for helping to clarify the vagueness of "passing". I passed once, I think it was in the 6th grade!

[Kate Simmons]

Got your message Paula. Did you get mine? :battingeyelashes::)

[docrobbysherry]

Your point is well taken, Paula. And, I don't wish to split hairs, but:

I HAVE seen a banker dressed like one that didn't appear to be honest and trustworthy. Policemen in uniform that didn't look like straight up law enforcers. And, politicians in suits that didn't look the least bit "official".

My point is, u can go out dressed like a woman and be taken for one. There's a word for that. "Passing". Or, u can do as I do. Go out dressed as a woman and everyone knows I'm not one. That's called not passing.

For those of u that have passed, u know there's a difference in the way folks treat u if they believe u to be a female with no thot to the contrary!

[kimdl93]

Yup...that's the message I'm trying to convey...alas communication is always a two way street...some my message gets filtered by other people's perceptions.

[suchacutie]

Terrific post, and the pic in the URL is just fabulous!

One fascinating thought about your wife is that she was looking at the outer shell when she said, "I look like a man". The reality is that she already had all the other components of signaling to the world that she was a woman. Clothes are one signal, and an important one, but for us to present as our feminine selves fully to the point that the rest of the world treats us as feminine, we need the instincts that cisgendered women are born with. As with method actors we can do it, but it is a tremendous amount of labor, even if it is a labor of love.

This brings me back to your point: Your wife surrounded herself in the trappings of being a women. We also wish to surround ourselves with those trappings so that our outward appearance matches our mental appearance, as you mentioned, and I do wish we spent more time here dealing with the details beyond clothes and makeup.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes I certainly get the message.
It made me think and ponder a little. :)

[Jodi]

I've never used the term "passing" or "passibility". I've consistently stated about presenting well. None of us pass or will we ever pass unless we are in low light at 100 yards.

I'll take this time to relay a story from the most recent Erie Gala in November. On the Friday, my friend Laura and I decided to forego the bus tour and spend the morning shopping at the mall. We spent about 3 hours browsing and shopping with no stares or comments. We were dressed appropriately (pants, sweater and flats), and one would assume that we were "passing" well. Our plan was to meet the bus tour for lunch at a downtown restaurant. We knew we were to meet them around 1:00 PM at the Pufferbelly. When we went in, we waited at the reception area at the entrance to the restaurant. We could not see around the corner as to whether our group had arrived. Two young gg's at the nearby table smiled and pointed saying your group is back there.

Laura and I looked at each other, laughed and we both said "so much for passing". We weren't fooling anybody, but we were presentable.

Jodi

[carhill2mn]

Thank you for an interesting post.

[robindee36]

So nicely put Paula. Rings so true for this older girl.

Thanks and hugs, Robin

[Bria]

Paula, you post is certainly a thought provoker! Isha's comments do illustrtate several levels of crossdressing, if you will. Two levels of military dress, as well as boy and fem. I guess I'd never thought of all of the different ways of male dress as crossdressing, but I can think of several different ways that I present inmale mode, formal wear, suit and tie, slacks and sport coat jeans and sweater, etc. Sooooo, I think that presenting fem is just one more mode that those of us on this forum like to add to the other ways that we present from time to time.

Hugs Bria

[NathalieX66]

Nice post, Paula!

I honestly don't know if I pass or not. Does it really matter? Do I need to get hormones, and spend lots of money on surgery on my face to be accepted? I get treated pretty well by nearly everyone when I'm out & about. I dress as female often. It's a done deal......I am me.

[AimeeG]

Roger, Wilco!

I was half expecting a scalloped shirt and a jean skirt...maybe next time.

[BLUE ORCHID]

H Paula, If the lady in the mirror looks like sameone that I would like to go out with then I'm happy with my presentation.

[Katy120]

Brilliant post! We simply need to be communicators of our femininity to the best of our ability and forget the pass/fail system.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Wonderful post Paula!!!

[susie evans]

Paula

I allways enjoy reading your words of wisdom , they are enlightening , have a great holiday season

Susie

[LaraPeterson]

Hi Paula, wonderful, wonderful thread. I'd like to add a little something that might be useless, but maybe it'll stir a thought or two in some of us who have never "worried" about "passing."

My experience with dressing began long, long ago, in a dresser far, far away that just happened to belong to my mom. Some of my earliest remembrances involve wearing her lingerie, long before I new anything about alternative lifestyles of any kind. I grew up with the usual frowns from my parents when they would catch me, but being a determined youngster, I was never deterred.

Puberty arrived and dressing was less important for a time, marriage and kids put it way in the background, but never did it go away. Now, many years later, I simply adorn myself as often as is practical and go out without a care about what anyone thinks. And consider this little anecdote: it has been my habit for many years to purchase lingerie for my wife. So often have I done this, in fact, that for a long time she would tell people if they wanted to know what size she wore, she'd have to ask me--that was before I revealed my femme self to her, but that's another story.

Here's my point, I imagine. Buying feminine things, wearing them, doing makeup, hair, etc., have been second nature to me for so long I can hardly remember when they weren't--even when I was doing it in secret. Being at ease with myself as a "guy" presenting as a "non-guy" who would actually much prefer to always present as a woman has made it much easier for me to be accepted; at least that's how I see it.

I suppose some of the self-confidence that has developed over time allows those who are eyeballing me to look past shoulders that are slightly wider than they should be, hips that aren't as wide as they should be, and a height in heels that is taller than average. Or, maybe, it's just because they know I'll slap them silly if they say anything!

Thanks again, Paula. I get your message, loud and clear.

[RenneB]

I say it's more of trying to look good or not. In your photo, you look great. The person in the background with the hoody.... nope... not trying to look good at all. Strange, because it appear to be a makeup counter. In general, in my neck of the woods, most GGs and GMs don't try to look good at all. It's all about sweat pants, UGs (which I have determined is short for ugly) some sort of top taken off the dirty cloths pile and a jacket from the military surplus store. Yea, they may be comfortable but I'm going to stare and snicker at them for not trying.....

As Yoda says "Do, there is no try". So I do. How do you do?

Thanks for posting and starting the thread....

Renne....

[DebbieL]

You look great, and I loved your message!

I'm one of those of that generation who were brutally and savagely beaten for appearing too feminine even while "presenting" as male.
Simply put, I couldn't pass as a boy, and even through puberty and college, I couldn't pass as a "Man".

By the time I was 12, my mom and I wore the same sizes, and I regularly dressed up in her clothes, until I was about 14. My parents would go to work, my brother and sister would go down the block to play with their friends, and I would dress up in mom's clothes and do the housework, including laundry, dishes, vacuuming, even making the beds. Then, about an hour before mom got home, I'd change back into my boy clothes. I'm pretty sure mom knew I was wearing her clothes (probably stretching them out), because she would take me shopping with her, ask me to help pick out outfits for her, and would often only wear them 2-3 times before putting them on the "charity pile" (meaning I could take them if I wanted). I'm SURE she noticed that the charity clothes were disappearing. Mom even got a wig, which she seemed to need only for a few weeks, until her bad perm settled down.

I did go out a few times back then, usually for a walk around the block with the dog, a trip to the grocery store, or just to do something out in the yard. I might have been able to go out in public and appear to be a young girl. I wish I had had the courage to let my mom support me in going out. Unfortunately, this was back in the days when the "cure" for transsexuals was shock therapy and lobotomy.

When my voice changed, I found out I had a bass singing voice, and thought I would never be able to pass because my voice would give me away. The reality was that my speaking voice remained unusually high, and most people saw me as "femme" and assumed I was gay.

When I finally DID come out, and started going out in public, I remember the trauma of getting "read", especially by young girls who would go into "giggle fits", even howling with laughter, or the guys who would start singing "Dude looks like a Lady" or "Lola", just to make sure that anyone who HADN'T noticed would notice. Of course, by then I was 30 years old, had a wife, two kids, and a good job. Unfortunately, when I came out, and got read, I ended up losing the wife, the job, and finally the kids. I moved to the NYC area, where I would be more accepted. And I was more accepted. In fact, I got to the point where I was quite pretty and looked really good. I had lost over 100 lbs and was comfortably fitting into a size 14 or even a size 12 skirt or pant, and a size 18 top.

For various reasons, I aborted this transition just before starting hormones, and the results were terrible. I gained over 150 lbs, climbing to 330 lbs, eventually leading to two heart attacks and a stroke.

After the second heart attack, and watching my father die, I decided to try transition again. Before he died, he told me "If I give you nothing else, I want you to be yourself, even if that's Debbie". He spent the rest of the week with Debbie, and fell in love with her. At one point, he looked into my face and saw my mom's face. He thought she was coming to take him home. He died the next morning.

I started transition about 18 months ago, and have now reached the point where I am living 24/7 as "Rexy" until I can legally change my name to Debbie. My wife has been giving me coaching in how to BLEND, looking more like an average woman, and less like a ****. The result is that I have been accepted at home, at work, by her family, and by friends. I can go shopping anywhere, and often, when I pull out my credit card with my male name on it, the cashier does a double-take. I do a lot of traveling, and was surprised to find that I also blended in southern states like Louisiana and South Carolina. In fact, I HAD to blend and "pass", because there was no way I could "pass" as a man anymore (38 B breasts, thinned eyebrows, laser, and dark pink gel nails - hard to "hide").

Your point is right on the money. I don't want to "pass" as a woman, which implies I'm a man pretending to be a woman. I want to be "Accepted" as a woman, so I don't have to pretend to be a man anymore.