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Billiejosehine
12-13-2013, 03:32 PM
I know I am ready to take the next step towards my transition. I also that by starting my transition I will be much happier in life. I m tired playing and trying to fit the role of a man, to meet certain expectations and leaving people feeling disappointed when toes expectations are not met. But when it comes to my SO and children, I'm left feeling torn in beginning my transition. I know that my SO has no problem with what I want to do, but I am more then welcome to figure out who I am on my own. Because she doesn't care or want to deal with it. She wants a MAN who knows who they are. Since finding about my desire and struggling with it my whole life, she constantly ask me about wanting to be a women and makes statements about having boobies and needing to wear a bra. Which doesn't make since I am still flat chested. She gets angry saying she wants space and then a few days she is very loving saying things like how I'm a great father, they looooooove me so much, thanking me for all I do, and to have a beautiful day. I begin to think about my children, not loosing my SO, and the feeling of shame and guilty of what I want and how I feel about my identity. I feel like I'm an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off.

Dawn cd
12-13-2013, 04:07 PM
While I am not a TS, I suspect that all those feelings you are having are legitimate and understandable. Also, your SO's mood swings from anger to affection are understandable. The swings back and forth must be great when you are just getting the project underway. It sounds to me that you need a good therapist to help you sort them out, and perhaps your SO does too.

arbon
12-13-2013, 04:10 PM
Nothing is really wrong with you, your just in a bad situation that a lot of ts women have been in.

If you need to transition it may be that you lose your marriage and that it may impact your relationship with your children and others.
It sucks, but there is really no way around it.

Some marriages do survive, not a lot though. It just depends.

If you don't want to risk losing the marriage, then don't transition.

BeckyW
12-13-2013, 04:12 PM
Been there... Actually am there.

You want two things that conflict with each other. That's really hard to deal with. You want to be who you really are, without losing everything else you care about.

Honestly, I think being torn is a sign that you're facing reality. Your wife is grieving. Give the both of you some time to work this all out, and hopefully, things will be good in the end.

Billiejosehine
12-13-2013, 06:00 PM
I am stuck in the "have your cake and eat it to" situation. I want the best of both worlds. But if I choose not to transition, I am giving up on being happy and continue to deal with depression and anxiety. In a way, I am emotionally attached to my SO. This comes from being rejected by the women I know, like my mother, all my life. This is of course one issue I do talk to my therapist about. Also I know my children who are 2 and 4 will be devastated. For example my were going sleep in me and my SO's bed. She kicked me out and I left to the living room. When I walk out of the room my son began to cry. That gets me right in the heart.

mary something
12-13-2013, 06:50 PM
age 2 and 4 will not be devastated. It's a wonderful age to transition, they will have consistent memory of you as a woman. You can transition with children at any age really, having other people around you being accepting of your transition will make the children feel more comfortable.

who kicked you out of your bedroom and why?

PaulaQ
12-13-2013, 07:16 PM
Billie, I can appreciate what you are feeling. Your children, however, are quite likely to adjust to seeing you as a woman. Your wife likely never will. Maybe about 10% of the marriages out there survive transition. You have better odds, because I'd say the majority of them that do involve young children such as yours, and the spouse stays "for the family."

The odds your wife will take this will aren't good. But you won't lose your children. You may not get to see them every day, depending on what happens with your wife, but you shouldn't lose them completely.


But if I choose not to transition, I am giving up on being happy and continue to deal with depression and anxiety
The problem is it is not unlikely that you will eventually reach a point where you simply can't function normally unless you transition. Having done that myself this year, I have to tell you that I can't find to much to recommend that approach. In my case, what kept me going was the knowledge that while transition was very difficult to impossible for most women to ever accept, it wasn't that bad for children. On the other hand, suicide is not anymore damaging to the spouse, really, but it is devastating to the kids. Children who have a parent who commits suicide are twice as likely to attempt it themselves. So don't let yourself get to that point for the sake of your children. They deserve life.

mary something
12-14-2013, 07:45 AM
billie- what specific behaviors is she objecting to at this time? It sounds like you're having problems with your wife, and that she is alternating between trying to understand YOU and then trying to determine how that will effect the kids, perhaps that is why she will alternately discuss physical details such as if your needed underclothes will change or whatever. Perhaps the comments made about how much the children love you etc. have a purpose? Maybe it is because she doesn't understand your motivations that she will try to determine what is happening by examining your specific behaviors.

When someone asks "what is wrong with me" typically that means that they are in a situation where they don't feel accepted. Does that feel true to you?

If you aren't being accepted by your spouse for example then MOST LIKELY it has to do with SPECIFIC BEHAVIORS that she doesn't understand. I mean, she married you right? she hasn't filed for divorce? so she probably doesn't think that there is something wrong with YOU. Maybe she is trying to explain BEHAVIORS that she can't understand.


Most women think this way. If their relationship with their husband is having problems you'll almost ALWAYS hear them talk about specific behaviors that is causing them trouble.

Can you share with us some behaviors that perhaps is causing a rift between you two? Maybe if we approach this issue from her perspective we can find a way of making this situation easier for all parties involved and reduce the friction in the relationship.

that would be good for you, your wife, and most importantly your children.

Ann Louise
12-14-2013, 08:14 AM
You can take comfort hun in that we all, for the most part, have been through the same dilemmas you are facing up to, and you indeed ARE on a roller coaster ride. A rough one. You've already gotten very excellent advice above, and will no doubt glean much much more as you return to this board.

For my part, I would suggest that you keep a small, confidential temporary diary of your daily thoughts and observations. A small pocket or purse booklet. Not more than bullet points even, or phrases, fragmentary thoughts, and "notes to self" that you can return to later. It's very hard to track where you're at emotionally and psychologically from the vantage point of a swiftly moving roller coaster, and many times the simple act of focused inscription of your thoughts will give you something to think over, analyze, compare, and figure out what "triggers" are triggering what. It will also provide extremely valuable material for you to gain a better understanding of yourself and the others you interact with as your thinking and transsexual maturity evolve.

It's also a very valuable document to have along when you're meeting with your trained and experienced gender counselor (not "family counselor," I'm talking clinical psychologist or the like). If you don't have one of those yet, by all means find one. This board's members are from all around the world, and the resources, or at least where they might likely be found, are yours for the asking.

Love and kindness to you honey. You're stepping off on a tough road with only the sketchiest of maps. Pack enough in your kit to get started on this journey properly.

)0( Ann )0(

Billiejosehine
12-15-2013, 09:11 PM
Thank you for all the support and advice, it is proving to be very helpful at time in my life. There have been a culmination of problems and issues that she says she can't get over. Mostly not making changes, disappointments, and the expectations. The behaviors she has problems with are shaving my body, sites I have been to, and the thought of her coming home and seeing me dressed as a women. But these things are all hind side. As I have been talking about in my SO thinks I'm gay thread, she is going to file for divorce soon. So with things they way there I have major decisions to consider. It may not be a bad idea to start a journal again. Last I did that though someone was noisy and read it and then everything had to come out into the open without my say so. Oh and my SO kicked me out of bed because it is small and she wanted both of my children with her and we all don't fit.