Those with Unaccepting Spouses or GFs/BFs

[LelaK]

If an SO knows her SO is a CD, but doesn't like it, would it be helpful for her to read this forum? I don't mean to be persuaded to like CDing, but to hear others' feelings and to air her own?

Are there any SOs of CDs who read this forum who don't like CDing, either a little or a lot?

To CDs who have unaccepting SOs, do you think you would consider asking her to read the forum? Or have you already done that? Or do you ever copy anything said here that you ask her to read? Or does she never want to hear anything about it?

Do you know why she doesn't like your CDing? I assume the reasons are usually that it feels gay, or just awkward, or unattractive, or sinful, or unpopular. I'm curious what the reasons are. I wonder how often people become accepting over time.

[Karren H]

I'd say no.... followed by Hell No.... I wouldn't want my wife to read this forum.... its like the only place I can go to talk about crossdressing.... it wouldn't help her understand on bit and she would probably just get more pissed off....

[GaleWarning]

I'd say that reading the posts on this forum would help increase their knowledge of the issue, but perhaps not their understanding of it. For that to occur, an SO, GF or BF would have to have an open mind.

[Naomi Newman]

it defo comes down to the person, bf or gf, sometimes again depending on the person you just have to bite the bullet and be open about it, which is alot easier said than done, also if some1 isnt understanding then no matter what you put in front of them they aint going to understand or be supportive.

[AmberDay]

I've asked my wife to read this forum, other forums, attend support group meetings, bought her several books helping spouses of crossdressers and transgender and she has no desire to learn anymore about it. She hates it and that is that to her.

[PaulaQ]

I'd say no.... followed by Hell No.... I wouldn't want my wife to read this forum.... its like the only place I can go to talk about crossdressing.... it wouldn't help her understand on bit and she would probably just get more pissed off....

Karren is correct I believe. And if it didn't piss her off, it would scare the hell out of her. Possibly both at the same time! The "do you fantasize about men while dressed" alone threads would be terrifying. Or hell, anything I post just about. (She went trans quickly, she was married, she likes dudes now, she's after my husband to sleep with him, and then turn him into a woman!) Yep, I'm the worst case scenario for a straight married spouse of a CD...

[josrphine]

Become accepting over time!!! My now wife, as we just got married,we have been together for 8 yrs. Nov. 4 was at first a little confused. We talked a lot about every thing. We both have found that she prefers to talk to her girl friend [ ME } about almost anything. Her first husband was a very mean husband to her, very dominating . I wonder if other couples have found the same type of stories. We were very happy not married an loved being sisters, I have gotten to look very much as a women with her help. I would say that I live up to 12 to 18 hrs a day as a women. She was very sick this summer an almost died, so the marriage was so I could make a decision if needed. I think that women are now finding out that having a C D for a mate is the way to go, you have your girl friend to talk too, an a man that can be a man when it is needed or required. I love my life an I think that every CD should have a women like mine. JO

[Contessa]

Just think You have upset their applecart and they want you to fix it. Apples can't be with Oranges. You fix it. They have no concept of anything be outside the box(applecart) and it can never be okay. You put everything back the way they found(had, want) it. Does this make any sense?

Tess

[Joanne f]

It may depend on why the wife/so doesn't like it on whether it would be a good thing or not , if it is because they do not understand it or feel like that you are the only one like it then looking on here could be a good thing but if they fear that there is a lot more to it than you are saying then when they see how far it can go that might make them even more fearful , but I am sure that if they joined the FAB forum they would at least know that they are not alone .
If you are thinking about introducing her the this community I think it would be a good idea to first explain that there are different levels of Cding and TG and try to explain at what level you are at and would like to be because although it may seem like a clear cut thing to most we are all different .

[Katey888]

I'd say that reading the posts on this forum would help increase their knowledge of the issue, but perhaps not their understanding of it. For that to occur, an SO, GF or BF would have to have an open mind.
I'd agree with both Gale and Karren: It should help broaden their perspective, but would I point them at this forum? Hell no! Not for my wife and if anyone should know that about her it's me. Just as we clearly have a broad spectrum in the CD arena there is a broad spectrum of open to closed-mindendness amongst our SOs (I'm sure).
My wife equates CD with gender dysphoria or just plain old perversion (she's very traditional :heehee:) - I know I would struggle to explain to her what I can't explain to myself. Fortunate are those who have an understanding SO.
Kx

[LelaK]

Does your SO think CDing:
1. means you're gay?
2. just feels awkward?
3. is unattractive?
4. is sinful?
5. is unpopular?

It seems like if the answer is 3 or 4, it may be most difficult for the SO to be accepting.

Communication
But if the reason is one of the others, it should be possible to talk to the SO.

Isn't communication recommended around here? I don't mean unfriendly, or too frequent, communication, but at least once a month, one should be able to discuss with one's own SO. Right?

I realize it's likely best to be accepting of an SO's being non-accepting of CDing, but one should at least be able to find out why the SO is not accepting, such as one of the above reasons, and if it's one of the "better" reasons, I'd think there's a good chance that the SO can become more accepting.

Possible Solutions
- If her reason is #1, then you can reassure her that 90% of CDs are straight and show her the stats.
- If #2, you could ask her to help you choose your clothing style and makeup, if any. She probably wouldn't mind if you had some or all of your body hair removed and your eyebrows plucked etc. And she might accept some feminine-looking shirts, pants, shoes etc. Tell her you have good taste.
- If #5, maybe same answer as for #2.

What do you think?

Even if her reason were #3, or #4, it seems there should still be possibility for better communication.
- And if the reason is #3, the answer for #2 might work.
- If the reason is #4, you can ask her to consider if it's really sinful, and, if so, is it worse than getting drunk, or driving recklessly, or cheating etc. (Or is it worse than wearing a clown costume, or a feathered headdress?)

[Aprilrain]

What if it stems from a reason you have not listed? What if it's multiple reasons? I dated a CD for almost two years, I knew he was a CD from the start, it didn't bother me but I didn't really want to participate either. My biggest problem was with his attitude about the CDing not the CDing it's self. On the one hand he wanted acceptance but on the other he didn't really accept himself! When id bring it up he didnt want to talk about it or would lie and say he was done with all that. It was frustrating. Since we have sepperated he has started seeing a therapist and taking hormones so, as i suspected, its more than just wearing the clothes for him though i doubt he will ever transition. We didn't break you due to the CDing BTW.

Oh and a shaved man feels nice for about one night then he's like snuggling with a Brillo pad! I suggested laser which he seemed to want but then again he never did anything about it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lela, Be very careful what you wish for, You just cane un-ring a bell once it's been rung.
The whole thing could come back to bite you in the @$$.

[LelaK]

April, did you mean that some SOs are unaccepting of a CD because s/he doesn't accept self?

Thanks for sharing your experience. Interesting.

[mary something]

I think April makes an excellent point. It's impossible to ask someone else to accept you when you don't act consistently, act like you're hiding something from them, go through periods of denial, etc.

There is nothing more unsettling than wondering if you even know a person at all sometimes that you're in a relationship with.

[Jamie Lynn]

I did suggest that my SO visit this site to perhaps gain some knowledge or understanding of why we crossdress, especially since we all have so many different reasons. She won't say that she has visited but I will occasionally read a post or part of one to her. (OK, it's mostly for the comedy and irony!) She did say that this site was NOT like facebook which she is on. She feels like "to each their own" but she only tolerates my dressing sometimes, yet will participate other times (helps buy things or encourages partial dress). She has apparently read or talked to someone about dressing in the past because she knows that purging doesn't work. She doesn't like the dressing because; a male crossdressing friend came out to her and told her that he lost his marriage due to dressing, she "didn't marry another girl", and she was never girlie when growing up, when she did dress nice it led to trouble. Hence, she see nothing but trouble by dressing and going public.

[KellyWilliams]

In my case, it was a very bad move. At first I thought it was a good thing, but then my SO started going through every post I've made and every response I've gotten, taking everything personally. I've even had an argument about a thread I simply viewed... Now I no longer feel comfortable posting anything here anymore, and I probably shouldn't even visit.

In short, I'd say this forum has caused far more trouble than I ever expected and has gone from a great support mechanism to a source of conflict and confusion.

[NicoleScott]

This isn't CDMatic.com, where one visit fixes everything. If someone really wants to educate themselves about all the aspects of CDing, it's going to take some time and multiple resources. You might want to send someone here to show them it's "just the clothes", but they may click on a "having sex with a man while en femme" thread.

[Sandra]

Considering what is posted is it any wonder that some are put off? What wives/gf/partners need to remember if/when they look at this site is that not everyone is the same, that a lot of what is posted on here if fantasy and for some it's a case of I can go one better that you.

[Rachael Leigh]

I'm with Karen on this, it would not help in anyway for my SO to read here. She has a set in stone opinion on CD and it's should not be happening. I do think if she opened her mind even a little though she might come to have some understanding but not likely so no for me she knows I go here but would never read here.

[Marleena]

I can't see where reading this forum can help a non accepting spouse. I can only see it making matters worse. SO's that come here are interested in learning more about their spouses and the CDing.

You left out a reason. If they find out later on in the relationship they feel like they were lied to or you were being deceptive. It then becomes a trust issue too.

[CarlaWestin]

I'd say no.... followed by Hell No.... I wouldn't want my wife to read this forum.... its like the only place I can go to talk about crossdressing.... it wouldn't help her understand on bit and she would probably just get more pissed off....

Gotta agree with this one. I learned from my first marriage that you can't put fires out with gasoline. My wife hates the fact that I crossdress and want to femulate. I just don't give her anything to negativize. (?) Although, she's probably visited this site pretending to research for a better understanding. You know, gathering ammunition to back up ignorant presumptions. DADT is just fine with me. BTW, she's my absolute best friend and we love each other smashingly. I don't pine for her full acceptance but it would be nice to be able to dress more. You know, 24/7.

[Beverley Sims]

I would temper this argument with the suggestion that this is probably the best site for anyone to form an opinion on especially as most of the others are more volatile, unfriendly and more flammable.
They ignite the passion instantly some of them.

[NancyJ]

My wife is not accepting, and she would freak if she were to read this forum. I think that certain posts would scare her, or at least confirm her fears. I have asked her to read many things about CD and transgender, from articles to books, and she has refused. I would think that if a SO is determined not to learn about this part of their partner, then no amount of attempting to teach or convince will help. So, perhaps if a SO is curious with an open mind, then this forum could be a place to learn about the spectrum of Transgender, but if the mind is already closed, this forum will not open it. For me, her lack of interest in getting to know this part of me is the hardest part of my life, and at times causes me to wish that I wasn't who I am. It just complicates my own struggle with self-acceptance. She won't even tell me her reasons, so I am left guessing the worst. Nancy

[Marleena]

I would temper this argument with the suggestion that this is probably the best site for anyone to form an opinion on especially as most of the others are more volatile, unfriendly and more flammable.

I agree this is a very tame and helpful site compared to what's out there.

The fact remains that a non-accepting SO will gain nothing but more ammo based on some of thread topics here. They are already non-accepting. The only SO's I see benefiting are ones that are genuinely interested in learning and trying to accept.

[LelaK]

Isn't it at least reasonable to expect an SO to discuss feelings at least once a month?

It doesn't seem like much of a relationship if one can't do that. And I'm not suggesting that CDs should try to persuade a non-accepting SO to be accepting. I'm talking about clarifying each other's feelings so each can try to help resolve any tension in the relationship. People keep saying on here not to be dishonest with your SO, but I think both parties need to be honest, and that surely requires open communication of feelings and needs etc.

[Debra Russell]

I'd say no.... followed by Hell No.... I wouldn't want my wife to read this forum.... its like the only place I can go to talk about crossdressing.... it wouldn't help her understand on bit and she would probably just get more pissed off....

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto -----fer sure.................................Debra

[Katey888]

Isn't it at least reasonable to expect an SO to discuss feelings at least once a month?



Lela - of course you're right - ideally - but some relationships are more complex than others and I for one have more than just my CD issue (in the sense of a non-normal fetish or sexual predilection) that I keep to myself because I don't want my SO to be hurt. To me it seems clear that better and more open relationships come about when CDs are able to discuss their feelings and needs both earlier in their adult life and earlier in any impending relationship. For me, I'm afraid, neither of these has been possible.
Without being too pointed, my wife (love her to bits! :love:) is particularly illiberal and incredibly strong-willed - a case of complementary rather than similar personalities for the two of us.
Again - those of you who have understanding SOs are truly fortunate...

[NancyJ]

I agree w/Lela's comment about sharing feelings on a regular basis. I do try to do this daily, but she bristles if Ibegin to share feelings about gender or female clothing, so I don't often go there--have learned that it leads to misery for us both. One stereotype that I hate hearing, as it is not true in my case and I know is also not true for many others is that women (GG's) are more interested in and able to share feelings than guys. In my marriage If I didn't volunteer my feelings or ask about hers, feelings wouldn't come up. And, I also do not agree that this is my "feminine side." I believe the difference has more to do with personality (and yes, 'Nancy' is integrated into who I am) and upbringing. Nancy

[Secret Drawer]

I agree with the notion of sharing issues regularly, but like Nancy, have been stonewalled every time any discussion goes in the gender direction. It is both frustrating and a problem. Think about how (many) of us progress naturally on this genderfluid line, and consider a DADT relationship. Very frustrating and decidedly unfair. I am a much more open person then she, so sites like this would make her uncomfortable with the frank talk. We don't keep secrets per se, but I can't force her to listen either!

[Wildaboutheels]

My SO has 4 legs and doesn't care what I wear or where I wear it. But it's an easy guess I think. It obviously depends on the CDer. IF one thinks the vast majority of the Qs and replies pertain to himself and/or are issues he himself deals with, the answer is an obvious yes to try to get his SO to visit the Forum.

If one pays attention to various #s, it's pretty obvious that the vast majority of CDers at this site don't relate to most of it or simply do not wish to/have nothing to contribute, so they don't bother to sign in/signup. Those CDers would be deathly afraid for their SOs to find this site I would bet.

Of course one could claim this site doctors the #s I guess.

[DAVIDA]

Trust me, this site does not doctor any numbers.
What would be the point to do that anyway?