Got my referral

[Carla Stevens]

I got a letter this morning confirming a date for referral to see a Doctor at the Local Mental Health Unit.
Monday 6th January. Much quicker than I had expected.
I'm nervous but happy about this. The appointment is likely to take about an hour & I do worry about what they will ask me.
I do have a little insight into what the appointment will involve, having read about other's experiences here on the forum.
I'd like to go as Carla, not in 'guy' mode but the practicalities of finding somewhere to change is problematical.
I've not spoken to my father yet & I'm going to leave it until after my appointment.

[mary something]

you mentioned that you are worried about what they will ask you. Do you mind to elaborate? Also how close is your relationship with your father?

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Carla, no need to be worried about what they will ask. This appointment is just to screen for other problems that might need to be taken into account at the same time as your Gender Dysphoria.

When I had my appointment, I went dressed as the real me, but I didn't stop to get changed en route - I was dressed from the moment I finished my shower. The psywhatever was not at all phased by this. She asked me did I want to tell her about myself or answer questions, so I chose both. I gave her a brief overview of why I wanted her to recommend me to the Gender Identity Clinic including my earliest memories of knowing I was not male. When I finished talking, she asked me some tick-in-the-box questions then agreed that she would write to my GP to recommend I be referred to Charing Cross.

It was funny, this was one of those times when the clock lied about how long I had been in there - according to the clock, I had spent 75 minutes out of 60 talking to her, but I felt sure it was nearer to 20.

[Carla Stevens]

you mentioned that you are worried about what they will ask you. Do you mind to elaborate? Also how close is your relationship with your father?
Whilst I know that they are supposed to screen for other issues, I've heard some stories of the Psyc being dismissive of GID & almost trying to prove that there is nothing wrong with you. I guess it's down to how, dare I say, professional & open minded they are. I understand that many have no prior experience with patients with GID & their only knowledge is what they've gleaned from a quick read of reference material 'the night before'.

As to my relationship with my father, yes we're close, but that's not surprising as we live in the same house. He does tend to be far too overprotective though & tends to almost suffocate me at times. He's always wanting to keep tabs on me & wants to know where I'm going, who I'll be with & what I'll be doing. He regularly phones me when I'm out if I've managed to escape without the questions before hand. God forbid that I don't answer my phone as I'm inundated with missed calls, text messages & answer phone messages from him & I've since learnt that he has even taken to phoning around my friends to see if they know where I am if I don't answer the phone. When I get home he's often stood at the front door when he hears my car pull up outside & again I get a barrage of probing questions.
He really does try my patience & whilst I know he's only being fatherly, I'm an adult for gods sake.:brolleyes:
When I do eventually tell him about me I'm really concerned for his health. He worries about the smallest thing & easily works himself up about things to the extent that he makes himself very ill with stress etc.
Earlier this year I had looked at trying to find a place of my own to rent. When I told him he ended up in tears & was ill for days afterwards. As it happened, I never moved out as I simply don't earn enough to rent a place.
I really am dreading telling him as I know things will become very awkward between us & I know I'm going to end up hearing him cry himself to sleep at night.:sad:


Hi Carla, no need to be worried about what they will ask. This appointment is just to screen for other problems that might need to be taken into account at the same time as your Gender Dysphoria.

When I had my appointment, I went dressed as the real me, but I didn't stop to get changed en route - I was dressed from the moment I finished my shower. The psywhatever was not at all phased by this. She asked me did I want to tell her about myself or answer questions, so I chose both. I gave her a brief overview of why I wanted her to recommend me to the Gender Identity Clinic including my earliest memories of knowing I was not male. When I finished talking, she asked me some tick-in-the-box questions then agreed that she would write to my GP to recommend I be referred to Charing Cross.

It was funny, this was one of those times when the clock lied about how long I had been in there - according to the clock, I had spent 75 minutes out of 60 talking to her, but I felt sure it was nearer to 20.

Rianna, thanks for reassuring me about what to expect.

I'd really prefer to go as Carla, but I can't even consider getting ready at home due to the situation with my father.
Unfortunately I don't have any other TG friends nearby that I could go to change at theirs & trying to get ready in my car is impossible due to it being far to small.
I guess for now I'll have to accept that I'm going to have to keep Carla under wraps for a little longer.

[Amy A]

Hi Carla,
I'd offer to let you change at mine but I'd be at work and it's a bit out of your way!

I had similar fears before my appointment, and I went into it thinking of it as like a test that I needed to pass, but the reality was he knew very little/had no experience of transgender issues and was more concerned with making sure I was sound of mind and didn't have any underlying issues that might be complicating things (eg childhood abuse/trauma, alcohol or drug abuse). As the hour went by I think we both started to relax a bit, and I realised that I had been worried for nothing.

With your father, I could imagine that my own Dad could have ended up like that if my Mum wasn't around. He too gets easily stressed and is a born worrier, and will often watch motorway traffic news if he knows I'm travelling somewhere (if there's an accident I get texts and missed calls). The thing that this does prove though is how much he cares about you. I think the fear of losing you would be greater for him than anything. I have to ask though, do you think he has ever had any suspicions about you or your sexuality? (I only say sexuality because it's what people question first, rather than your gender, if you get my drift). Having met you in both male and female guises, I have to be honest, and I hope you take this as a compliment, but you are a naturally feminine person and I doubt anyone holds a very macho image of you, although I could be wrong as we have all had to be actors at some point and how you are around me is probably free of pretense and quite different to how you are around work colleagues etc.

Anyway I'm really happy for you that you are moving forward. It'll be slow, I was referred to Leeds in May and won't be seen for another 5/6 months yet, but at least you are on your way! :)

[mary something]

well Carla it sounds like you have an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Tell your father you're trans and then go to your first apt dressed. Have him take you if he is gonna fret about where you are at.

Then find a good therapist for all the stress that will cause you, cause it sounds like there needs to be some change in your relationship with him from what it is now. Are you prepared for a bumpy ride for a while?

Seriously enough though, I think if you just go to the apt. dressed and be you everything will be fine. They might ask you questions but just be honest, there really are no wrong answers as long as you are being you. That was all it took for my gender therapist.

[gennee]

Congratulations, Carla.

:thumbsup:

[Dawn cd]

Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about ways of dealing with your father, because in your case the two are connected.

[oliviall]

My first counseling session had lots of generic questions my therapist had to write down the answers to...it flew by...I just talked and talked haha...probably easier if you don't go in feeling like you have to pass a test :)

[Rachelakld]

Hi Carla,
Think your father will probably find out over the next few years? would not his support on 6th Jan be of assistance?
If he's overprotective, well, most of us dads are to our daughters, and it sounds like you are already his little girl
Don't sell your father short.

Have faith,
you've put out love to the universe, and the universe sends you it's love

[Amy A]

Just so everyone knows, Carla isn't going to see a gender therapist, she's going to see a general psychiatrist for a one off appointment in order to get a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. It's one of the hoops you have to jump through in the UK for NHS treatment. The reason why people worry about these things is that you are seeing someone who often has no experience of transgender people and who has a degree of power in regard to your ongoing treatment. But like Rianna says, it's really just to check that you are mentally fit to make the decision to proceed, eg no addictions, underlying mental disorders etc.

[Carla Stevens]

Thank you everyone for your words of support.:)
So many replies to respond to.
Amy, I really do appreciate you contributions as you are a few steps ahead of me on the NHS pathway.

I'd offer to let you change at mine but I'd be at work and it's a bit out of your way!
Thanks for the offer Amy. I had thought of changing at Dee's, but it's not exactly local for me & she's not open on Mondays.

Unfortunately my father will have no one to turn to for support as I lost my mother to cancer in 1989 (perhaps why he is so protective?). This will be a lot for him to deal with on his own.

and will often watch motorway traffic news if he knows I'm travelling somewhere (if there's an accident I get texts and missed calls).
My father is exactly the same. Years ago when I was at college (before the time of mobile phones) when I'd drive to college he'd fret about me having an accident on route. I was expected to phone home from the payphone in the halls of residence to let my mother & father know I was safe. Occasionally I'd be too pre-occupied to remember. Rather than call the payphone number, my father would be about to set out to find me, despite the fact that I was over 150 miles away.:facepalm: Luckily I remembered to phone eventually & my mother would tell me that it's a good job I did as my father was about to leave.

I have to ask though, do you think he has ever had any suspicions about you or your sexuality?
I do have a feeling that he may have questions about my sexuality as I've never had a girlfriend, but then again I've never had a boyfriend. This is a subject I've mentioned to my friends as I know they think I'm Gay, simply because I've never had a girlfriend.

Having met you in both male and female guises, I have to be honest, and I hope you take this as a compliment, but you are a naturally feminine person and I doubt anyone holds a very macho image of you
Thank you Amy, I do take it as a compliment as this is the end goal, but in everyday life I do tend to be a very good actor (as I think many of us are). I tend to conform to typical gender stereotypes as a way of hiding Carla & a defence mechanism & do occasionally find it hard to loose the male side of me when presenting as Carla.
Many of my friends regularly call on me for advice & help on typically male orientated subjects.

well Carla it sounds like you have an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Tell your father you're trans and then go to your first apt dressed.
Telling him about me will be hard & I really need to take things slowly with him. I really can't be too over the top with this & will need to give him time to absorb the news before I introduce him to the real me.
I think the same will be true with my friends. It's a serious bombshell to drop on people & they will all need time to come to terms with this.

If he's overprotective, well, most of us dads are to our daughters, and it sounds like you are already his little girl
Don't sell your father short.
I know he is overprotective of me & I hope this will work in my favour. He has always told me that he wants what's best for me & wants me to be happy.

Again, thanks for your words of wisdom.:)

[DebbieL]

The most important thing is to be totally honest, to the best of your ability and knowledge.
Don't try to tell them what you think they want to hear, they will see the deception easily.
What the therapist will be trying to do is assess the degree and severity of your gender dysphoria and determine how best to treat it.
The therapist will also want to know how far along you have come, so he or she can plan your treatment, your "homework", and next steps.

When I finally met one-on-one with a marriage counselor who also treated gender dysphoria, I would have assumed that I was probably a level 3 transgender, a cross-dresser.
By the end of the second session, it was clear to him that I was actually a level 6 transgender - that I might become self-destructive if I didn't transition.
It turned out that he was right on the money, and when forced to abort transition, I nearly did self-destruct. The irony is that now that I'm living 24/7 working as "Rexy"
and getting ready to start the legal name change process, my only regret is that I didn't do this 30 or 40 years ago.

[Rianna Humble]

Unfortunately my father will have no one to turn to for support as I lost my mother to cancer in 1989 (perhaps why he is so protective?). This will be a lot for him to deal with on his own.
...
Telling him about me will be hard & I really need to take things slowly with him. I really can't be too over the top with this & will need to give him time to absorb the news before I introduce him to the real me.

I understand this completely - we lost my mother more recently than you but it still made my dad much more vulnerable and in many ways he became dependant on me. Add that to how old he was when I needed to tell him and I was worried that the shock might literally kill him.

One thing I did was to make sure that he knew that he had not failed me in any way and that he was a good father. His immediate reaction blew my mind - his words were "No matter what, you are still my child!". Not bad for an 88 year old who had never considered anything like this before in his life.

After telling him, I gave him some space to absorb the information but was ready with an honest answer to any questions. we have an agreement that shutting the bedroom door means we want some privacy. I spent quite a lot of time over the following couple of weeks with my door shut so he didn't have to see the real me until he was ready. That came a lot sooner than I had expected.