How do you experience dysphoria?

[Cheyenne Skye]

Dysphoria.
It seems such an innocuous and all encompassing word. There are so many emotions at play though. Most times I would say my dysphoria manifests itself with bouts of anxiety. I feel the urge to run out of the room screaming (for no other obvious reason). But I force myself to stop, take a deep breath, shake my head and get on with whatever I'm doing. But I imagine it could well be other things. Like anger at having been born with this "condition". Sadness because you don't feel whole. Envy at the world around you who don't seem to have a problem reconciling their physical sex and gender. I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to experience this phenomenon. So for curiosity's sake, how do you experience your dysphoria?

[mary something]

I noticed it most in my relationships with people. People expect you to fit into fairly standard amount of roles that are available for your sex typically, none of them were a good fit for me and emotionally I found myself holding back for the fidelity of the experience for the other person. This was done simply because constantly saying or doing things that most people consider incompatible or at least undesired for my sex creates a response in others that I didn't care for, and it degraded the quality of the experience until I had almost prefer simply to not socialize.

It was very difficult for me to understand my inner motivations and desires and fit it into the framework of what is considered to be expected or normal for my sex. I found myself rationalizing things to a ridiculous amount to feel better about how odd I was.

I noticed it physically also in terms of my relationship with my body. I found it hard to care enough about my male image to worry about more than the basics, compared to my female image I am motivated and just naturally care much more about my skin care, nails, etc. I also have had a rather unusual relationship with my bits compared to most genetic males.

The main thing that I noticed was that I simply had a massive desire to feminize my body and express a feminine nature through my attire. Emotionally I tried to butch it up as much as possible but no matter what I tended to have a lot of difficulty finding peers of my biological sex that I could connect with while I enjoy socializing with women quite a lot, but that is difficult when you are seen primarily as a potential mate (especially if they are married or in a relationship) and not a friend first because what I craved most was some same gender friends.

I think most people assumed I was gay but that meant unwanted male attention from people that I would have enjoyed being friends with but many times the situation became weird if they developed feelings because simply hinting that you're not gay doesn't always work if you are pinging their gaydar. I've never had an experience of someone being pushy, more a feeling that being to close of friends with them would lead to them feeling led on or rejected later.

Simply put it was very difficult to find a social role that worked and that led to feelings of numbness because a large part of me was detached from the experience usually, I didn't like my body or care very much about taking care of it or looking good, and during all of this I was fighting a desire to present as female which I felt would probably make my problems worse instead of better.

All of that caused stress, anxiety, and depression because I felt that I was a lie but the figuring it out was the hardest part because for much of my life I wondered if it was mental illness or something else that made me so different. After years of therapy, studying philosophies of living, and learning how to really listen to my feelings and process them I came to an understanding about me. Then I had to be able to accept it and that was hard also. There is more but that is the gist of it.

[I Am Paula]

Pardon iphone typing.
The biggest symptom of my GD was growing difficulty/ dread of presenting male. Getting into guy mode in the morning got progressively more difficult. By the time i sought medical intervention, dressing as a guy was making me anxious, to the point of throwing up, crying uncontrollably, and even getting the runs. As Ispent more time as a woman, the thought of being a guy repulsed me to the point I would avoid male situations, even at the detriment to work and social situations. I went as far as thinking I would have to stop visiting my family!
I'm much better now, although sometimes that old unease comes creeping back. Also, my family accepted me as a woman, so I can still see them.

[Rianna Humble]

When I was younger, I experienced the dysphoria primarily as a general feeling of not being right, but it also inhibited my ability to make friends - with men because I didn't understand them or their interests and with women because I was sure they would feel I was a freak being interested in the same things as them generally.

The one time I was able to connect with someone we fell head over heels in love with each other. Trouble was, she was heterosexual and needed a husband and I was incapable of seeing myself in that role. Somewhat of a shame because several acquaintances who had children told me I would make a good parent.

Later on, the dysphoria became a progressive depression until it reached the point where I was ready to play hopscotch on the live rail at a nearby railway track. By this time, I was having difficulty doing anything - at work, in my role as a representative of the people in my neighbourhood, or even something as simple as sleeping. I tried to use cross-dressing as a coping mechanism but that just made things worse because I would be physically sick when I had to change back.

Since starting my transition, it has mostly quietened down except for the occasional WTF moment mostly in the middle of the night.

[Angela Campbell]

It changed a bit over the course of my life. I do not think there was a single day I didn't yearn to be female, but sometimes it wasn't on the front of my mind. It worked in sneaky ways. It began slowly and eventually got severe. I began to feel disconnected from the world and only felt comfortable when I was alone. I got to where I could not stand to be around other people for more than a few minutes at a time. That included my spouses, kids and family. I had almost no friends. I became a complete recluse, hiding in a small room in my house most of the time. Searching out jobs where I could work alone. This is much better now, yet still there are times when I have to be alone.

I didn't care one bit about my body. I ate whenever and whatever I felt like, I dressed like a bum, didn't wash much, wouldn't go to the dentist or doctor, wouldn't take medicines prescribed on the occasions someone pushed me into going to a doctor. Cut my hair maybe once a year, shaved maybe once a week or two, bathed only when I had to be around people, rarely brushed my teeth.

I was at the point where doctors began telling me I was going to die if something didn't change. Once I began seeking treatment and made progress toward transition it improved a great deal. It actually is non existent except for every now and again like on Thanksgiving. Much like Paula describes. It passes quickly though.

I guess I could have said this a lot simpler though. It is kind of like living in hell, only not as much fun.

[Emma Beth]

I noticed this the other day and wondered about it a bit myself.

For me, I experience a kind of sadness that threatens to overwhelm me with a touch of depression. I can't help but think that I don't feel right or complete, that my life is not what it should be. Once in a blue moon I can add the feelings of being a kind of monster or freak, the kind that no one takes notice of yet they stare with a kind of painful accusation that pierces all the way to the soul.

I didn't really give it much thought until the other day when it hit me really hard and I was in tears for my baby sister because I couldn't get in touch with her quick enough. She really made a big difference when she refereed to me as her big sister. That statement and her voice was like music to my ears.

[Aprilrain]

The beautiful thing about transition is that the dysphoria goes away. I look back on the crisis that was my life 3 years ago and wonder what the big deal was. It was a big deal, trust me! But I can't really wrap my brain around how I felt anymore. I still get depressed about my appearance sometimes I still look at pretty young things and pine for a lost female youth but it's not the soul crushing GID I once had.

[mary something]

I guess I could have said this a lot simpler though. It is kind of like living in hell, only not as much fun.

that is true Angela, because all of the fun people that I've always thought would be in hell with me weren't there.

[Angela Campbell]

I think that now the dysphoria is pretty much gone for the most part and replaced by anxiety caused by all the changes going on in my life. It is stressful to make these changes but it also feels good, so it is an odd feeling. I guess it is good because anxiety over major life changes is actually normal....that is unusual for me. I kind of like normal even when it makes me feel like a freak.

[Marleena]

I still get depressed about my appearance sometimes I still look at pretty young things and pine for a lost female youth but it's not the soul crushing GID I once had.

I get this all the time. I think of what could have been if I had help in my twenties.

GD= in one word: debilitating

[Angela Campbell]

sometimes GD = a kick in the butt. It is telling us something and it is up to us to listen to it.

[Leah Lynn]

All of the above! Seriously, I think anger would be my biggie. Anger about being what I was stuck with. About missing the chance to grow up as a girl, and becoming a woman. About everything that was expected of me. About trying to deny myself and forcing myself to be the man. Later, it was about not getting help early in my life. Although transitioning was being done then, it was something "one simply doesn't do!" I'm still angry every morning when I dress for work in a male uniform, instead of dressing enfemme. It's getting better, with hrt. I'm tentatively planning to start rle in about a year.

Leah

[KellyJameson]

For me there had always been an element of paranoia to my gender dysphoria but it was usually quiet but could assert itself violently if triggered.

The paranoia came from the feeling that everyone including my own mind was trying to trick me into believing something that was not true but I did not know what this truth was.

This put me on the path of being a truth seeker while always trying to avoid discovering the truth I was seeking so you experience being pulled in two different directions at once.

It split me into two people at war with themselves not just along gender lines but what I would or could think and feel and of course this war extended out into my relationships with people but this was not a violent war with others so much as a quiet anxiety filled and hidden war of torment where the violence was hidden from view from others because it all happened in the private realms of my own mind.

I find it difficult to articulate the experience of gender dysphoria because it is so much more than just gender and really encompasses the whole experience of being human from birth all the way to the grave.

In my opinion even with transitioning there are elements of this experience that stay with you but it shifts in such away that you are better positioned to live with it.

I never expected gender dysphoria to completely disappear but just wanted to make it tolerable which it dramatically has.

My head was a pressure cooker three years ago and all that pressure has been released and I have a calmness I have never known before.

I live outside the gender dysphoria now where I can see it instead of it having me by the throat so it is something that I have a neutral relationship with.

It is there but does not affect me and may be nothing more than the memory I carry of it.

[dreamer_2.0]

How do I experience dysphoria? Here's a few ways:

My own body betrays me.

Never ending body hair. Shaving facial hair multiple times *a week, chest hair every week too. I've given up on anything below the waist as it's a losing battle.

My balding adds insult to injury as I long to have, well, long hair.*

I hate having something between my legs. Any time I feel it (which is pretty much always) I'm reminded of what I really am. I'm probably one of the few guys in the world who feels he is too big.
Tucking is an annoying process that isn't comfortable. *I can never achieve the desired "flatness" and even with the best results I can still see and feel "myself" again reminding me of what I am.

Being intimate with a woman as I'm expected to perform the male role which I have zero interest in. I always cry on the inside when I see and feel her body, particularly her flatness between her legs.

Seeing women wearing so many variety if clothes, shoes, dresses, colors. My own wardrobe consists of slight variations between the same jeans, shirts and sweaters; all of which are darker dreary colors.

I hate shopping for women's clothes as I constantly feel judged. I hate watching women walk around the store looking at and trying on everything I dream of wearing.

I hate CD'ing. The clothes don't fit me properly, I don't have any curves and, frankly, it often makes me feel worse afterward.

I hate being so envious of women living their regular, everyday lives. Rather than appreciating a women I often curse her instead simply because she was blessed where I was cursed.

Masculinity. I'm not masculine and do not want to be but it's what is expected.

I believe strongly that girls can do anything boys can do...but hate that boys can't do anything girls can do.

Ladies night at clubs/events. Hearing songs like Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

I hate seeing couples together as I don't feel normal and will never have a "normal" relationships because of this f*cking dysphoria. It'll always be here and is a constant distraction from life and love. It's a tremendous amount of baggage to put on a woman. *This had led me to stop trying to date resulting in a lonely life full of self-pity.

I hate that if I see a girl I like then I'm expected to make the first move. I don't have the male aggressiveness to do that.

I hate that anything feminine I attempt or act on creates the assumption I'm gay. Being heterosexual this makes it difficult to get a girl.

I hate the assumptions that I like and know lots about sports and cars and electronics. Last night at my office Christmas party is a good example. A guy with his date comes up to chat, his date and the girl I was talking with started talking about hair, nails and their dresses. The guy turned to me and started talking cars. I wanted to tell him to shut up, I don't care and join in the girl's conversation. During dinner I found myself in a sports conversation. Ugh.

Seeing women all dolled up in person, on magazine covers, movies, anywhere there is media. I don't have that body and never will (not without lots of $$$ and even then who knows). *I've been told not to expect much from HRT as I'm well past puberty. My heart sinks a dozen times or more a day.

My voice which can be pretty deep and sounds fake when I raise the pitch.

The fact that I have to spend ridiculous $$$ on a therapist simply because I want to be feminine. I realize this is to ensure I'm not crazy but the fact I need to go through all this psych counselling has the opposite effect. I feel and believe myself to be a crazy freak.

The dysphoria creates more dysphoria simply because of its existence. It's a vicious circle.

I don't know how to properly socialize as a guy with either guys or girls.

I hate having to hide who I am and what I desire unless I wish to risk friends, family, employment, respect.

The dysphoria is ever present and has led me to essentially give up on life.

The fact that not only can I participate in the OP's thread but also have lots of answers for how I experience my dysphoria.

All of this creates a ton of anxiety and anger towards myself and the universe.Oh and let's not forget the extreme depression which is a byproduct of all this bullsh*t.

[Asche]

I hope this isn't a derail. If it is, feel free to delete it (or to ask me to.)

Up until recently, I'd have said that I don't feel gender dysphoria, just the oppression of being expected to fit into the male role, and not being able to relate to men. It's true, I started wearing skirts about 8 years ago and am now at the point of wearing skirts and dresses most of the time, but I figured I was just "gender non-conforming." And, of course, I've had depression and suicidal ideation all my life. But I never felt like "a woman trapped in a man's body," like they usually say.

But then I read an article on Zinnia Jones's blog about [gender] dysphoria, and I had this feeling that it was describing what I felt. Since then, each time I hear reference to gender dysphoria, I get this sort of pinging feeling, like my subconscious saying, "take a look."

Then I started on anti-depressants, and almost immediately a story started coming out of my subconscious about a boy who was transformed (by some genetic engineering magic) into a girl and him/her coming to terms with it, and though the character is ambivalent, I was not: it felt like coming home, just as when I come home from work and change out of my male drag into a skirt or a jumper (or maybe a dress), I feel like I'm coming home. It's like the black-and-white world turns colored. I'm distracted all the time and in my unguarded moments, I wonder what it would be like to have a woman's body, and especially to be a woman making love to a man or a woman. I'm starting to wonder: who am I, really?

I still don't feel like "a woman trapped in a man's body," so I don't know if this is really gender dysphoria or just me trying to convince myself that there's an easy explanation for why I've felt like a space alien all my life (as opposed to "it sucks to be you.")

[Ariamythe]

Mine expressed mainly as anger, irritability, antisocial / introverted behavior, and emotional overeating. There was also a distinct emptiness where I thought my happiness and satisfaction should be. I chased everything from new toys to new jobs in my quest to feel happy with my life, always certain that the NEXT thing would make me feel whole. I'm depressed right now just thinking about it.

[mbmeen12]

Miss Dreamer grl I hope you dont mind but liked your format...

So for curiosity's sake, how do you experience your Dysphoria?

Love my body and what I have accomplished but it too, betrays me now in current mind set.

Shaving legs chest facial hair multiple times a week. My wife still shaves her legs kinda ironic wishing for something but both sexes fight the fight of hair.

I am balding but kinda ironic, I like buzz cuts because it saves money....I wish I had the hair of long blonde/grayish now...

The feeling of having something between my legs. I am jealous of my wife she is so beautiful.

Seeing women wearing so many variety if clothes, shoes, dresses, colors. I now think how it would look on me.

The clothes don't fit me properly at 6 foot 200lbs.

I am so envious of women living their regular, everyday lives. But not until I work to remove snow my frame and current body excels.

Masculinity. I'm very masculine and do not want to be but it's what is expected.

I'm bisexual now. I was heterosexual and currently married but my wife helps me though it.

At work, someone noticed Kara saying something/mannerisms because I wear the uniform and said hey you are weird!!!!!!

Seeing women on TV with such beautiful features. I don't have that body, period......

My voice is very deep and never high pitch.

I have spent very little money on a therapist simply because I want to be feminine. When I retire, I hope to travel to the nearest VA to assist me.


I dont hate having to hide who I am YET!!!!!!!!! I will NOT risk friends, family, employment ............................yet.

[mariehart]

Very similar to many of the above descriptions. No point in me repeating it. It comes in waves. I'm in the middle of one now. It often manifests itself a sudden emotional response to seeing a woman doing something rather ordinary such as waiting for a bus or walking down the road. A sense of the unfairness of it all, sometimes I'm near to tears.

It's rather ironic that my role in life now is that of the traditional housewife. I'm a so called stay at home Dad. Bringing them to school every morning just reinforces the dysphoria. Finding myself amongst all those Mothers, seeing them chatting and laughing together, envying the way they dress. I feel like a freak. It's worse when you go to school for some event, like this morning when my boys were taking part in a lovely little Christmas show. I was most uncomfortable. I knew I would be and actually wore female clothes underneath in order to try and fit in, in a kind of way. I do that sometimes in social situations. But on the other hand it can make me feel like a pervert. It's a no win situation.

It's not as if I'm very masculine. I've always been somewhat feminine in my ways. Noticeably so to many people. But I've never really been able express it properly because I feel the need to fit in.

But there isn't much I can do about it other than live with it. It's like an illness that can't be treated. Of course it can be cured as some of you have already know, but it won't happen for me. It's depressing. If it wasn't for my children, life wouldn't be worth living.

For any of you younger girls out there. You have to seriously consider transitioning. It doesn't go away when you're older. It only gets worse the older you get

[mary something]

for me dysphoria was/is like the feeling you would get if you got a huge lego set and the wrong instructions for it and kept wondering what in the world is wrong with you for not being able to follow the same instructions everyone else apparently can.