SO thinks I'm gay

[Billiejosehine]

I hope I am posting in the right section, but I need some advice. Today my wife learned that I shave my legs when she went into the shower. At that moments she was in shock and said " okay, I won't ask anymore questions". A short time later after getting dressed she asked me if I was gay. Every time I told her no and what I do ( shaving my body, CD, and paint my toe nails) has nothing to do with my sexuality; she processed to say that she thinks I am, that I'm in denial, and if I really want to believe that I'm not gay. I also know my marriage is pretty much on the verge of being over especially if she believes so strongly about my sexuality. I'm not sure what is going to happen next, but fear of what I'm more then likely is going to set in and it doesn't help that I have no support network other then here.

[darla_g]

how long have you been married. why else do you think your marriage is almost over?

[Billiejosehine]

There are many many things. Let's just say I never made changes she expected to do. When I did change something I wanted it was to late. She say she has been disappointed so many times. She feels used after it came to her attention I CD and want to be a women. She's not happy and stay in something that makes you miserable. She was done long ago, but stayed for the kids. While she is thankful for her children she made a mistake for marrying me. Lastly, every time I say she's beautiful, amazing, or that I love her, she claims that I'm annoying her. children. That's just a few of the problems, but I'm sure there are more. We have been together for 5 years and I'm still madly in love with her, but she feels differently. If and when things end I will feel like I lost everything in how my life was. But I guess I should look at it as if I am breaking out of my shell. It's just so hard to see.

[AllieSF]

That is a tough one. You know and she thinks! All I can say is that she may have some preconceived ideas about crossdressing and what types of people engage in it, and your progression in your dressing, especially with your outside presentation, hairless body, probably only worsens her feelings and, to her anyway, validates her erroneous thoughts. I think I would just continue to be patient and the same old person that you are and when possible refute her claims. Continue your conversations with her and try to keep them civil and mature. As always, sometimes a respected third person's opinion will probably have more acceptance on her part than your explanations and denials, i.e. therapist. Good luck.

[Zylia]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but based on your post I'm going to assume you're a cross-dresser (i.e. you identify as 'male' at least towards your wife). Cross-dressing is an activity for heterosexual men predominantly, that's a statistical fact, so if she thinks you're gay because you cross-dress as opposed to because you are sexually or romantically attracted to other men, she's wrong and needs to educate herself.

[Michelle789]

Your wife needs to educate herself on cross-dressing. Most cross-dressers are heterosexual, and will never transition. Of course, there's no way she can tell for sure, it's a risk she takes. Only you know the answer to that, and that's something that can be tricky to sort out. But you know who you are.

Statistically, there' a far better chance your marriage will end in divorce (50%) than you will end up transitioning (2%). This statistic assumes that there's no way she can know for sure if you're TS or a CD, but it's a good risk to take. Now you know who you are, and if you're definitely a heterosexual male identified CD, there's a 0% you will transition and a 0% chance you'll ever be gay.

In fact there's a far better chance, at least from her standpoint, that you would have an affair with another woman than turning out to be gay.

I'm not married, so I'm not qualified to give marriage advice. I'm just offering some cold hard facts and risk analysis of being married to a CD. Please follow advice from other married cross-dressers.

Edit: My apologies, I didn't know you were considering transition. That's a completely different story from being gay.

[Julie Gaum]

Billie, "here" is the best support group you could possibly hope for. There are more than 20,000 members and, say, 10,000 are or were married. Other than those who came out to spouses long before the wedding, let's say that 6000 revealed a month, ten years and later after wedlock. As recounted on this Forum the very first question out of the mouths of the wife is "Are you gay?" The next question is usually "Do you intend to become a woman (transition)?" Both questions are very understandable as the majority don't have a clue to what you are all about (and you may not be too sure yourself). Upon hearing this confession more than half will call it quits based on horribly faulty reasons obtained from parents, church or community. The others love their husbands enough to want to find out more on this vast subject. Then, by reading books, talking to a gender-specialist therapist or from this website, information is gathered. Once you find the desire is there to learn more, THEN talking, a small portion at a time in order for her to be able to grasp, becomes your project. Slow and patience are the key words. Darla asked two important questions based on the sad fact that, according to the stats, 50% of all marriages don't last. With that in mind, experience shows us that when a relationship is already on rocky ground the CD disclosure becomes an excuse to end that marriage. You might even be not aware that trouble was brewing.
Said enough for now as other sisters are also here to be your support --- it's what we do for each other.
Good luck and don't panic.
Julie

Sorry Billie, I replied before seeing your second post. To try to prove to her that you're not gay would only be for your own ego and completely worthless to her. So it's time to fold and walk away without deserting your children and that's the challenge.
Julie

[Jenniferathome]

... I CD and want to be a women. ..

You want to be a woman but expect your wife to stay married to you? Most married, heterosexual, women want to be married to men. "Cross dressing" and "wanting to be a woman" are very different things

[arbon]

If your transsexual (which you have been questioning if you are) it's going to be a much bigger deal then being gay

[Billiejosehine]

For what's its worth what she saw was the icing on the cake this whole family thing is a joke. But she plans to file divorce she wants to take off to her parents, which is in Mexico, with kids alone this Christmas. She wants to go alone because alone because she doesn't want her family to see us together. There's no way to involve a third party as it's going to be a waste of time. I have stated that at this time I do CD which what I have been limited to. For the past few years I know deep down I want/am a women, but tried to play a role I was never good at. I guess this means I can freely decide what my next step will be in life.

[Zylia]

To me it sounds like your wife thinking you're gay is just a minor inconvenience at this point, even if she's wrong. Do you really care if she thinks you're gay? I assume less than your wife caring about you going fulltime.

[Billiejosehine]

I can careless what thinks about sexuality, I know what it is and that's all that matters. Now concerning me being more feminine she did state I can do what ever I want, but is something she doesn't care to deal with.

[arbon]

Not care to deal with it? Kind of hard when you husband wants to be a woman.


Have you considered counseling as a couple, not necessarily to save the marriage but at least to open better communication between the two of you.
You both need to figure out what is in your best interest and in a way that, hopefully, does the least damage to your relationship with you children.

[stefan37]

Exactly you can do what you want. But she won't be there to walk along side you. Cd'ing and marriage are hard enough. Throwing transition in the mix is almost always guaranteed to end it. There are instances where they stay married, the odds against however is the morn. If she can't handle the Cd'ing, no way will she stick around while you transition.

It is always much better to explore how you feel and whether you absolutely need to transition before tossing the trans grenade into the marriage.

[darla_g]

i found it interesting you mention just CDing and no innate feeling that you are really a woman so i wondered why you posted in this particular forum.

I think in any case you both really need to talk and maybe if she is amenable to it possibly going to a therapist.

[Billiejosehine]

While I did mention that I just CD and no innate feeling of really being a women. But since I was 19 that feeling of wanting to be a women has grown stronger over time. To the point of self medicating to make those changes. In my other post there have been things that have held me back and I thought I could make it a man. But it has been hard and I would begin then purge and repeat the process trying to deal with those feelings on my own. While doing this secretly, my SO came across to where she questioned things but was never addressed. This put a rift and she's not able to get over all these things that have been built up. Maybe I am in denial about I truly want even though it right there in front of me. In all honesty I would do anything to be a women to the point of praying to God. Imaging myself waking up and being a women.

[Jenniferathome]

?..Have you considered counseling as a couple, not necessarily to save the marriage but at least to open better communication between the two of you.
You both need to figure out what is in your best interest and in a way that, hopefully, does the least damage to your relationship with you children.

Sage advise. Your children come first.

[mary something]

divorce her. she doesn't love you and sounds like she treats you terribly. Tell her that she will be the only wife ever to divorce her husband for shaving his legs and send her off. If she loved you she would at least care enough to learn the difference between being gay or trans. It sounds like she wants to go back to mexico and doesn't want you going with her. When a woman has decided that it's over and she will never love you again there is nothing you can do but make the divorce quick and painless as possible.

Do you think it's possible that she has been treating you this way to make you want to leave? That is a common tactic in this type of situation.

[Billiejosehine]

I believe that there is a motive behind her actions and the way she treats me to get me to leave. Such as her saying my problem is that she is smarter then what I think she is, she's reaching the point of wondering what it would be like with someone else, and she always got into a relationship using her head and the one time she entered a relationship with her heart she made a mistake. For a non related issue of my identity or CDing she got her brother involved; he used scare tactics by threatening to beat my a** for the way I'm treating her, he could kick me out of our home and change the lock, or he would get his whole family involved. Maybe it's for the best for things to end. It just reminds me of when my parents divorce and how it affected me.

[mary something]

I see no way forward for you with this situation. Find a therapist to help you manage your feelings of guilt that they (your ex and her crazy family) will invariably try to make you feel.
The first time someone comes to my home and tells me they might kick me out of it and threatens me with violence would be when I get a restraining order. I would do it tomorrow.
I'm sorry that your parents divorce is being remembered now but this has absolutely NOTHING to do with that. You owe it to your kids to stop all of this crazy drama as soon as possible. It's not the divorce so much that hurts the kids but all of the insanity and the drama of seeing loved ones trying to destroy each other. It takes two to do that so it's time to get realistic, look at what your options are and do what is painful now but necessary.


she's reaching the point of wondering what it would be like with someone else, and she always got into a relationship using her head and the one time she entered a relationship with her heart she made a mistake.

Women don't usually start talking about finding another man for no reason... let her go, heal from her controlling ways, learn who you are and what your needs are. Then find a woman or man who is interested in YOU and let them know within the first 3 months that you are transgender and that if they have a problem with you shaving your legs then now is the time to tell you.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Billie;


Have you ever considered what your wife wants ? You have talked a lot about what you want , even to the point of starting to transition on your own. What you are doing is challenging your wife's view of her sexual identity She married you believing she has married a man, you have all of these feelings that you hid from your spouse. now that they are out, your spouse is feeling her world crumbling around her.


You need to step back , decide where you are going, and have an honest open talk with your wife.


Also it sounds like you are dribbiling out your intentions, and you have not given your spouse time to assimilate or to become informed on the issues of being transgendered.


In the end if your desire is to transition and your souse does not see herself as either bisexual, a lesbian, or someone who supports you no matter what, then you have to respect her feelings on the issue. It is her right to feel her feelings toward her sexuality.

[sandra-leigh]

If your wife goes to Mexico with the children, will she bring the children back?

If you are a woman and you are sexually interested in women, then Yes, you are gay (or bisexual or pansexual, or otherwise Not Straight.) This is something that I am having difficulty mentally adapting to myself; while my identity is on the female side, I am still accustomed to thinking of myself as "straight"; I have not experienced what it is like to be "lesbian".

With all this going on, I would recommend first thinking about what you want, and then talking to a lawyer... and soon.

[oliviall]

If there is a real chance she may flee to Mexico with the kids, you may want to file for at a minimum legal separation to prevent that. Laws vary by state but in my state such an action would prevent children from leaving the state without court approval. Could be harder to do after the fact.

[Aprilrain]

I For a non related issue of my identity or CDing she got her brother involved; he used scare tactics by threatening to beat my a** for the way I'm treating her, he could kick me out of our home and change the lock, or he would get his whole family involved. Maybe it's for the best for things to end. It just reminds me of when my parents divorce and how it affected me.

Get a restraining order immediately! This is totally unacceptable behavior do not even begin to let her think she can play that game. If i were you id be consulting a lawyer ASAP.

I don't know what the laws are in CA but here in Ohio not even a spouse can lock someone out of their home. If her brother or she were to do this you would be well within your rights to call a locksmith and change the locks back.

[mary something]

Olivia and April are giving you great advice that you should listen to. The biggest problem here to me is that your wife and her family do not respect you and they think they can coerce and threaten you to get what they want. It is very difficult when dealing with issues that TG or TS people have to find a way to have the confidence to stand up for yourself when everyone is telling you that you are worthless in so many ways.

They will not respect you until you respect yourself. You also need to consider your children here and find a way of handling this situation that is best for them. It is important that your children see you take care of yourself, you are teaching them with your actions how to handle a situation like this. Do what you would want your child to do in this situation in the future. Call the police and tell them that you do not feel safe because you have been threatened physically by your crazy brother in law because your wife is trying to leave you and you expect him to try and make good on his threats. Do not mention trans or crossdressing to them, that is beside the point here and is not an acceptable reason for this treatment. Tell them that you are fearful of him confronting you in front of your children and he must stay away for your safety and theirs. If they want more details just tell them that your relationship with your wife has reached the point of divorce possibly and that she is wanting to leave for another man most likely.

I would strongly consider filing for divorce first so you can establish the location and keep your kids close to you most likely. I don't know the laws in your state nor am I a lawyer but you can usually get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer if you call around, 30 minutes is enough time to determine the best plan of action if you keep things concise. The trans issue is secondary here to the real issues at play.

[linda allen]

Lots of drama here. If you want to be a woman, you can't really expect your wife to stay married to you. She signed up to be with a man, not another woman. Shaving your legs and painting your toenails without her knowledge and approval gives her reason to think something is going on that's not quite right.

Threats from her brother? Is he big enough to beat you? Is he ignorant enough to beat you? Unless he kills you, you can have him arrested for beating you. Or, you could buy something to protect yourself.

Not all marriages work out and it appears that yours is one that will not. I suggest seeing a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. At least you can find out what your rights are.

You and your wife will probably enjoy life more going your seperate ways.

[mary something]

Lots of drama here. If you want to be a woman, you can't really expect your wife to stay married to you. She signed up to be with a man, not another woman. Shaving your legs and painting your toenails without her knowledge and approval gives her reason to think something is going on that's not quite right.
I understand where this narrative comes from, but his wife agree to marry him till death do they part. There were no qualifiers that he couldn't wear clothing inappropriate to her or that if he groomed a certain way she could leave him. Let's turn the argument on it's head a little to see if it still holds water.

Linda- can someone be a woman if they have a penis? I'm not asking for the politically correct view here, just what you think. Unless you think that it is entirely possible to be a woman while having a penis then what we are talking about is a feminine man. There is nothing wrong with that and I guarantee you that she had an idea of who she was marrying no matter how well he might have tried to hide it unless she is one of those women who like to marry complete strangers. If that is the case then this is the least of her problems most likely.

As far as grooming goes I refuse to live in a relationship with someone who thinks that they have any more business telling me what to do with my body hair than I have the right to tell them. Maybe that sounds completely crazy to you, all I'm saying is that it works for me and I have yet to meet any woman who is willing to allow me complete control with how they manage all the hair on their body (not that I'd ever want to of course).



Threats from her brother? Is he big enough to beat you? Is he ignorant enough to beat you? Unless he kills you, you can have him arrested for beating you. Or, you could I buy something to protect yourself.

while it might be personally satisfying to have a shoot out in the living room with the crazy BIL I'm not sure if the complications that would come from it are worth the risk when considering that there are other options. Also dealing with the matter in this manner instead of doing what is considered appropriate would substantially increase the risk of serious jail time if such an incident occurred. It would be evidence of prior intent.


Not all marriages work out and it appears that yours is one that will not. I suggest seeing a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. At least you can find out what your rights are.

You and your wife will probably enjoy life more going your seperate ways.

totally agree here. Matter of fact I think having a duel with the BIL might make the last bit of advice you've given much harder to accomplish.

[Billiejosehine]

Everyone thank you for all the wonderful advice. I have never disregarded how she feels or possibly going through. As she stated she's just confused and doesn't know how to process this. So her solution is not to deal with it by leaving, but with other issues she has this gives her an opportunity to really leave. Did come across a text she sent someone saying how I'm still f** crazy. With all I'm going through and has transpired throughout my marriage; I must look deep within myself and ask: do I want to continue to try and save a marriage that may not last that much longer. To continue to be in a role that I hard to do and give up ever transitioning. Or choose to leave to allow myself to be who I am and to freely express myself. While the answer is so obvious, I'm still madly in love.

[kimdl93]

Your wife has very conventional misconceptions about CDing and sexuality. If she was willing to listen to any well informed authority, she might be able to put aside her mistaken beliefs. But some people assign greater value to cherished beliefs higher than fact. Good luck!

[Billiejosehine]

It could be a possibility that she will listen to an informed authority, but is very set in her ways. She does see a therapist, so I am sure she has talked about me being a women. The funny thing I still thought she would be very understanding considering she is an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker).

[Jorja]

Just for your information Billiejosephine, being a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) does not stop homophobia or transphobia. The only thing that can correct that is education. Seeing as how you live in the US each person has the right to belive in what they belive in. If you want to correct your wife's view of who and what you are it is up to you to show her. You show her by your actions and lifestyle.

[revlonjennifer]

Hoping for the best for you. Bee through similar experience to some degree

[autogirl]

:sorry: So sorry to hear this

i never been married or gotten anywhere close so i can only imagine the distress you in. If you still love her perhaps try a different approach. instead of just going head on and explaining everything and arguing maybe try buttering her up first like with romance

make her feel like a woman. maybe that's the problem maybe she feels less like a woman. So bring on the romance get her buttered up then slowly get into the cd discussion and explain that cd does not make you less of a man and you can prove it to her every night.

best of luck