My girlfriend knows

[Jennifer Kelly]

I had been planning to tell her about my dressing because it was killing me to have to keep something big from her like that. But I wanted to wait until after the holidays were over to minimize the stress. Well last night I was showing her some pics on my phone that I had taken of my sister and nephew and she scrolled back one too far and found a pic I thought I'd deleted.

As you might imagine the questions started flowing fast and furious. I wasn't super femme looking in the pic. I was wearing jeans, t-shirt, and knee boots. But I did have on a wig and some light makeup. I think this may have helped things a bit that it was this pic rather than my standard skirt and heels.

She first asked why I was wearing a wig and asked me if I was a crossdresser. We've built our relationship on being honest with each other so I said yes, I was. This was obviously not the answer she was expecting. I quickly reassured her that I'm not gay and that I don't ever want to actually be a woman. I also stressed that the reason I had not told her yet was because I wasn't ready.

She started asking how long I've been doing this and what I got out of it, things like that. This was good since I would not have been surprised had she just told me to get out. She was weirded out but much more accepting than I had expected and she pretty much proposed a standard DADT arrangement.

That was last night. She woke me up this morning with a lot more questions and a lot more conflict. I answered all her concerns as best I could, taking care to keep the conversation about me and not her. She asked if I think the desire to CD might be some kind of mental illness. I said no. She asked if I am secure in my masculinity/sexuality and I said most definitely. I told her it takes a real man to wear a dress. :) She asked if I become someone else or act differntly when I'm dressed and I told her that underneath all the foundation and eyeliner it's still me. Her concerns at this point I think boil down to the fact that she has realized that she doesn't want to be ignorant about this but she doesn't really want anyone, including me, to influence how she feels. She wants to decide that for herself but I don't think she knows how yet.

She asked me if I had a female name. I told her yes and that chosen it because my mom told me it would have been my name if I was a girl. She said that seemed to fly in the face of what I had previously told her that Jennifer is not a persona I take on. I told her I needed a name to use on here and other places and if I ever do go out in public dressed, I can't exactly use my non-gender neutral male name. She had previously told me she didn't want to see pics or to see me dressed and she made another face when I mentioned going out. I told her I haven't done that yet and probably will not for a good while. She asked me if I feel feminine when I am dressed. I told her yes it's kind of hard not to. She said what about when the clothes come off. I said no. She is not really one to compartmentalize her emotions. She wants to feel everything. So I don't think she quite understands my ability to do this. But she accepts it.

She asked me if anyone else knows and I told her I came out to a GG friend of mine. She was a little miffed that someone else knew before she did (we were dating a month or two when I came out to my friend) but she understood. She reiterated that she doesn't want to see me dressed (or even think about it, she got weirded out when she asked if I'd ever been dressed while on the phone or texting with her and I said yes). She doesn't want to see any pics and I am not to steal any of her clothes. I am also not to bring up Jennifer unless she asks about her.

I've done a pretty good job of convincing her I'm not some sort of sick freak but she's still struggling a bit. Last night she told me I could have my toes painted when I come over but she went back on that this morning. I asked her if it was OK if I shaved my legs (which I haven't done in over 3 months) and she did grant me that concession. She says that she wants me to be a man around her at all times, especially in bed, and I think that's reasonable.

I think her main remaining hangup is that she says that she considers her self someone who has her head on straight and she wonders that if she accepts this about me that that means there is something wrong with her or that she is settling. She's also afraid of what people will think of her if they find out. She's afraid of being judged for accepting this quirk of mine. I'm past that point myself but I understand where she's coming from.

I re-iterated that I have some books she can borrow if she wants to know more and also that we have quite a few GG's here who are SO's of members that she could talk to if she wants to make an account. I also offered that she could talk to my GG friend who I came out to a couple of months ago. She still says she doesn't want to be influenced but I think at some point her desire for more information will override that.

I'm pretty sure we will be OK but it's going to be rough for a while. She says she is comforted because she has never gotten a creepy vibe off me and I mentioned that CDing is only creepy because society says it is and we talked about that for a while. I mentioned that women can dress up in stereotypically male clothes and no one bats an eye but if a man puts on a dress, everyone loses their damn minds. She agreed there was a double standard there. She asked me if I thought it would ever progress beyond wanting to dress and I reassured her that I am not and will never be TS (I don't really even consider myself TG but that's another thread). She says there are so many other good things about me and that the good things far outweigh the bad even with this and I feel the same about her. This is actually a great weight off my shoulders that she knows now. One of her big gripes is that I'm very guarded emotionally. This is true but I think hiding the CD thing from her made it worse. It is my sincere hope that with that out of the way I can give her what she wants emotionally and get things back on track.

The road is going to bumpy but I'm hopeful.

[mykell]

JK,
good luck with your new path, i had the same path planed, after the holidays, less stress....
if all goes well may be their will be a special present under the tree...

[Zylia]

Bummer she had to find out like this. You seem to handle it well, hopefully she will too. Anyway, best of luck!

[Raychel]

Good that it is all it in the open and you are 100% honest with her.
This is all new to her and I am sure it will take a while for to analyze the news.
Give her time, If the relationship is solid everything will fall into place in time.
Give her the space and respect she deserves.

[giuseppina]

Well, she didn't tell you where to go, anyway. :heehee:

The best thing is let her come to you for more information and answers to her questions. I'll bet she gets real excited if you so much as touch her clothing.

It might be a good idea if you don't make any changes at all while she digests the revelation.

[Tracii G]

I think she will be OK once she sees this site and can realize we are just everyday people and not what she and society think we are.
Good luck the hard part is over.
My BFF was a bit in shock when I came out to her because we have known each other for 30+ years and she knows me pretty well.
She is very supportive but then again I don't dress in front of her all that much.
She has enjoyed our girl outings and been more than fine with it.

[Beverley Sims]

Jennifer,
The road will be less bumpy if you take it slowly and let her gain acceptance in her own time.
Do not push it too much.

[Desirae]

I think she will be OK once she sees this site and can realize we are just everyday people and not what she and society think we are.


I'm not 100% on board with that. NOT that we're not everyday people. I agree with that part. Wholeheartedly. However, some of the threads on here "might" be a little "out there" for her. It could end up being a little like a double edge sword. She might not be able to get her head around some of the topics discussed here and it might get her mind wandering and wondering a little bit. Additionally, the OP is going to have to be careful about what (s)he writes on here, if the GF does, eventually, end up coming on here to learn more. Sometimes, too much information is just too much information.
:2c:

[Rachelakld]

I hope in time, things will settle down.
Wife and teens (3 daughters and 1 boy friend) have seen me dressed, but then I live in a very varied society.

[KayleeTaylor]

Sorry she had to find out this way, Jennifer. At least she seems accepting for now. The ball is in her court now and it would be best to not pressure her in any way. Now that she knows, don't let the pink fog hit you.

i really hope that you come out of this as one of the lucky ones, with a fully accepting SO.

:hugs:

Kaylee :)

[NicoleScott]

Jennifer, sometimes we can and sometimes we can't choose how our SO's find out, but once they do it's time to lay it all out as honestly as possible. My wife found out a different way, but asked the same questions as they all do (Want to be a woman? No. Gay? No.).
It's less important for her to learn about the rest of US than to learn about YOU. I agree with Desirae that it may do more harm than good to bring her to this site. It may freak her out to read about other CDers desires for transition with or without surgery and hormones, fantasizing about gay lovers, etc. On the other hand, there are other CDers like you: guys who just like to dress up occasionally. If you bring her here, see that she gets the big picture and see how diverse we are. The best thing I could do to lay aside any fears my wife had was to continue to be the man she married.
Good explanation of use of a female name. Many of us guys who occasionally dress up use one.
Finally, and importantly, if she doesn't want to see you en femme or your feminine things, make sure you keep it away from her view. Many SO's are comfortable with DADT, understanding of the need to CD but not wanting to see it.
If there's any acceptance drift towards you, let her bring it. Don't push for it.

[Jennifer Kelly]

Kaylee I don't think she'll ever have full acceptance. She seems too hung up on the negative connotation society gives to CD's and what others may think of her if they find out her boyfriend is a CD. She's also wrestling with what to think of herself. She also seems to think that there is possibly something wrong with me mentally that makes me want to CD and when I tell her that there is nothing wrong with CDing and that it doesn't hurt anyone she sometimes says that she thinks that's what I have to tell myself to justify my CDing. For the record I don't feel I have to justify anything about it. The funny thing about her thinking I may be mentally screwed up is that I have depression and anxiety (mostly well managed with medication) and she totally accepts that. I guess when you run into something you've only heard about it throws you for a loop. I am the first CD she has dated. Or at least the first one to come out to her. I think the best I can hope for is DADT.

Good point, Nicole. She wants to be accepting but is having a really hard time with it. And I do think that coming here and seeing stories of folks who want to transition or even just live as a woman part time might scare her off. I think she's afraid I may want that some day. She believes me that I'm not gay though, so I guess that's something. She did say she wants me to be a man at all times around her and I think that's reasonable. She intimated that she might like to see me take charge a bit more, especially in the bedroom in order to prove to her it's only about dressing up. That's not normally me, so I need to make a conscious effort. As far as not wanting to see me or my things, I'm totally respecting that. But at least I don't have to worry about her accidentally finding them now. :)

If she ultimately decides she can't deal and leaves me I will be very sad. :( But in my search for someone new I think the best policy would be to be honest about being a CD from the get go.

[NicoleScott]

She seems too hung up on the negative connotation society gives to CD's and what others may think of her if they find out her boyfriend is a CD. She's also wrestling with what to think of herself. She also seems to think that there is possibly something wrong with me mentally that makes me want to CD and when I tell her that there is nothing wrong with CDing and that it doesn't hurt anyone she sometimes says that she thinks that's what I have to tell myself to justify my CDing.

My wife doesn't want others to know about my CDing, and we are on the same page there. The best way to convince her that there's nothing wrong with you mentally is to prove it by being the man she wants, and that happens over time.
You brought up a good point: make sure you tell her that your CDing has nothing to do with her, that she's not woman enough, etc. If your CDing desires go way back, tell her, especially if they started before you met her.

[Jaylyn]

Jennifer I had the same thing happen to me but my wife already knew about my cross dressing. It is still kind of a shock to them to see a pic of us all dolled up and My wife even has helped me get dolled up before but she still asked some questions about this site. I actually showed her the place where GG could join and help and ask questions. I Even said she could monitor my activity. I had handed her my I pad to look at the weather map. I had Safari open which had this site opened and Bam there the pic was with the last post I had made. Dummy me.... And my wife has no objection about my dressing but I really think them just seeing that we post a pic of us all made up, kinda strikes a spot in them. When mine read my post and looked at my new pic she said "so this is Jaylyn's new pic..? " I said yep and she asked what else was on here I showed her a few other pics of me and she kinda smiled and said keep it between us and don't let the kids know. I said you got it.... Babe.

[kimdl93]

Actually, that went pretty well. I'm glad she came back with more questions and that you continued to answer honestly. If this works in the long run it will undoubtably challenge some of her misconceptions about gender and sexuality...but that could be a positive.

[Jennifer Kelly]

So earlier she typed "help, my boyfriend is a crossdresser" into Google. One of the first hits was a thread on this site from 2011 by a GG whose boyfriend had just come out to her. She said she got a lot of good info from it though. Then she clicked on "Today's Posts" up top and found this thread. She said she clicked on it because of the title and when it was posted. So she hasn't even known for 48 hours and I've already violated the "no pics" rule with my avatar. :) And so much for her figuring out which of the many Jennifers I am, although she said she can tell it's me in my avatar pic so maybe that doesn't hold any water.

She said there were a lot of good info in this thread as well. I think you ladies have helped her understand a bit more and for that you have my gratitude.

[Nicole_maybe]

My gf and I were fighting one am not too long ago and I just told her - I like occasionally wearing women's clothes. She asked the traditional questions and then sensing my embarassment she told me it was ok. I knew she knew something was up when I wouldn't let her on my computer one night, along with some other stuff. When I told her I think she was relieved I wasn't cheating on her. Good luck and in your case it sounds like honesty and patience is the best policy.

[Stephanie Julianna]

If it's any help. I told my girlfriend 1 year into our relationship. Truthfully, she's not crazy about it and never will be but she knows I love her and I am faithful. By thway I told her in 1968. We've been married almost 43 years with three adult children and 7 grandchildren. My children also know. LOL Steph

[Rachel Morley]

If she starts to accept this, one of the best things I would recommend both you and her read (but especially you) is the first post in this thread HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t). It's a sticky in the Loved Ones section called "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t)" ... the path to acceptance could be slow, and life will never be the same as it was before, but you know what? With luck, it could be even better! Good luck.

[Gigi]

i think you still need to be patient with her and I think she may come around a little more. I think the FAB forum will help her too if she would like to join. You really do need to be honest with her, just keep doing what you are doing. She may wake you up to ask things about your c/ding and ask you things multiple times. I still do that with my SO and we have been dating for 7 months, and i knew even before we started to date. I have a feeling that I'm still gonna do it too! ha. Over time when she feels secure and feels that you have transparency and you have gained some trust, she may be more willing to share your c/ding with you, if that is something that you want. But I am happy for you that you owned up to it and were honest that's that most important part -- also that if you come to an agreement that you don't betray her trust.

[mary something]

as her head on straight and she wonders that if she accepts this about me that that means there is something wrong with her or that she is settling. She's also afraid of what people will think of her if they find out. She's afraid of being judged for accepting this quirk of mine. I'm past that point myself but I understand where she's coming from.

The best way to help her decide for herself how she feels about this is to remind her of how she wants YOU to treat HER. Use the golden rule here for your benefit to be treated fairly. I'm not saying to be combative, but you need to be confident and comfortable with this part of yourself when discussing it with her. She will likely interpret uneasiness as guilty feelings or wonder what else you've done to feel guilty about that you aren't telling her.

Your desire to crossdress will not go away. It is best to completely accept that and to make sure that your relationship can handle that fact now at the early stages of the relationship. That is also the best time to tell your SO because you guys are still in the stage of discovering each other.

There are many examples of relationships that can handle this just fine, but they are built upon mutual trust and respect.





Tell her that you would NEVER want her to settle, that you don't feel that way at all and that YOU need to think about what she has told you for a while. Put the ball in her court a little. Tell her that people who have their head on straight might wonder what people will think but they make decisions to please themselves and not anybody else as long as no one is hurt.

Let her know you accept her exactly how she is and don't wish to change anything about her, and that you need a partner who can do the same for you. Ask her if she is that person?

If she asks if being a crossdresser is a type of mental illness ask HER if it is a mental illness to be a little bit feminine. Ask her if women who have more masculine personalities are mentally ill? Ask her if especially feminine women are especially mentally ill? You won't make her realize the entirety of the double standards by simply telling her that they exist, make her think about it to see and realize it for herself.

Tell her that everyone has a masculine and a feminine side and you just happened to get a little extra helping of the feminine when it was being doled out. Ask her to examine her own views towards women, because in your opinion there is nothing shameful about someone being a woman or a man, or being masculine or feminine. That what really matters is being the best person that anyone can be, not to try and be someone you're not. Tell her that is how you judge a partner and that is probably how she needs to measure you.


If she asks you if wearing the clothes makes you feel like a woman then ask HER if the clothes make her feel like a woman. Tell her that she is making a big deal out of some clothes and makeup, and that what matters in a relationship has very little to do with dress code and a lot to do with always seeing your partner in the best light.

If she mentions being embarrassed about this part of you, simply tell her that you would NEVER be embarrassed about her, even if someone else might think you should be. Ask her what if you got in a car accident and became crippled? Would she feel embarrassed to be with you then? If she says that is an unfair comparison because it is a choice to crossdress ask her how she chose to have the tastes that she has. Ask her if she could completely change all of her tastes in food, what she likes and dislikes, simply by deciding to. Tell her that this is like that, it is simply part of who you are and what really matters is if she can love you for all of you or not, because you are willing to do that for her. Let her know that you need to know this now before putting more time into a relationship that is dependent upon what someone else might think outside the relationship.


Explain to her that one of the reasons you are guarded emotionally is because you haven't felt that it is safe not to be, that you would never make her feel that way and if you do by accident to let you know.

Explain that what you do hurts no one, that it is simply a part of being who you are and there are MUCH worse things that she could be dealing with in a relationship.

It is incredibly important to handle this with some confidence right now, and make sure that she is using the same principles to judge you that she would want YOU to use on her. If you want her to respect you in the relationship then you have to let her know that you expect her to in times like this. It will give her reasons to like you more even if it feels counterproductive right now.

All of the points that I listed will make her feel safe with you and desire to be with you when she realizes that you will do the same for her.

Either way it is best to set some ground rules for equal treatment in the relationship right now. If you explain to her that you only expect from her what she expects from you it will make it difficult for her to not at least open up her mind and think about it a little bit. GIving her ALL the power to decide arbitrarily whatever she wishes is not good for the relationship, and will not lead to happiness for either of you. Good luck!

edit-


She intimated that she might like to see me take charge a bit more, especially in the bedroom in order to prove to her it's only about dressing up. That's not normally me, so I need to make a conscious effort.

Ask her if she was having problems with the intimacy and sex in the relationship BEFORE she knew this about you. Explain to her that if she wants to have a good sex life and intimacy with you that it is imperative that EACH of you be able to be exactly who you are without the other telling them what they should be doing in the bedroom. Sexual intimacy is a form of communication, and that the last thing you want to do is lie to her or have her lie to you. Make sure that she understands that you want to please her, but that if she has to imagine a different kind of man in the bedroom in order to feel pleasure that she needs to tell you that right NOW. Tell her that if you ever have to imagine she is different than who she is you will tell her. Make sure she knows that you don't want to change anything about her, you simply look forward to getting to know her even better and hopefully she feels the same way.