Acceptance

[KayleeTaylor]

I have never been happy with myself I have always felt lost, scared and alone.

Up until recently, I have never accepted myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Thoughts going through my head, I never understood why I have those thoughts and feelings. I couldn't escape the thoughts I had of dreaming what my life would have been if I was born a girl. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run away from these feelings. I tried my best to live what I thought a normal life was supposed to be. I got married, had my daughter and tried to be a good husband and father. But I couldn't escape these feelings that I had, so I would escape reality the only way that I knew how to, was to drink. I would drink heavily, daily, every chance I got. I felt I needed that escape. Several times my wife called the paramedics because she thought that I wouldn't wake back up. I wish that I didn't wake up. I hated myself and I hated my life because it didn't feel like it was my life. I felt like I am looking out through somebody else's eyes looking at a life that wasn't mine. I couldn't take it anymore, something needed to change. Something has needed to change for a long time now, but I couldn't accept that.

It was after joining this forum and reading posts from others and meeting people face to face and joining a transgender support group that I have accepted myself.

I have started to take the steps toward the road ahead of me, to be the person I was supposed to be, to find happiness, to finally be myself. Yes, I am going to come out to my family, my daughter, but it is going to be much later rather than sooner. I still have more soul searching to do.

I have always known that I am transgender, but I had to accept who I am to be able to deal with it. It's do or die time now, I am not turning back now.

To all of you on this forum, thank you for helping me to understand and accept myself :)

:gh:

Kaylee

[Jorja]

Know this Kaylee, the answers that you have been searching for are not at the bottom of a bottle. I know, I drained several thousand myself looking of them. Standing up sober and facing your problems is the only way you can get real answers. Joining a support group and meeting others is a very good start.I also recommend locating an experienced gender therapist to help you figure it out. This is not an easy road to travel and there are going to be some very difficult spots along the way. Know we are here for you anytime.

[Chari]

Kaylee, we all make choices in life - some are beneficial to our well being, while others have a very negative reaction. Only we as the individual can decide when it is time and what is required to improve our life. You are to be commended for taking that first step in a positive direction, and choosing to be the entire person you need to be for your happiness. Many at this forum are only a "click" away to help you.

[CONSUELO]

Kaylee-- I think Jorja has given some very good advice.

Always remember that you are a good person and you are not alone. Finding a good support group and a experienced therapist will help a lot. A "problem" shared is a "problem" halved. You have a challenge but what you are and what you want to be is not a problem.
My thoughts and hopes are with you.

Consuelo

[Suzanne F]

Kaylee
I too tried to drown my issues in alcohol and drugs. On New Years Eve I will h e been sober for 12 years. It has only been the last year of my sobriety that I have begun to face my gender issues. Reaching out for help is the key to change. We can't do it alone. I encourage you to not only find a TS support group but also find a LGBT 12 step meeting for alcohol or addiction. Please know that you are not alone!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Annaliese]

Good luck Kaylee, it is great to finely be able to accept one self, some of us took a lot longer to do so, I wish I had been brave enough so long ago, good luck and hugs

[KayleeTaylor]

Thank you for your support :) I had a wake-up call almost 3 years ago and I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. I realized that my daughter was more important than me so I stopped drinking on June 13, 2010 and started to be a father again. Over time, my feelings about needing to be a woman returned and I was overcome with depression. I became closed off and didn't want to leave the house, I quit school and I am only 5 classes away from my bachelors. I only left the house to take my daughter to her after school activities, even taking her to gymnastics got too hard to handle. The only glimmer of happiness that I had was crossdressing.

Today I took another step forward and made an appointment with a gender counselor. Tomorrow will be my 3rd meeting with my transgender support group, this past weekend was my 5th outing with people in that group.

Even though I have accepted myself for who I am, my depression hasn't gotten any better.

[Jorja]

I am only 5 classes away from my bachelors.

Find a way to make this happen. You will want and need the income in the near future.