Explination of self

[erica12b]

Wow what a hard thing to explain, and not contradict my self at any time,

First attempt -
I am a herto sexual male, I like being a guy, (I don’t plan or want to cut or change myself) I like doing guy things, helping my sons hunt, I love to fish and hike, boating, rafting, and explore Colorado, shoot and play video games, but there are times that I like to express my fem side to I love the feel of girls clothes and the smell of makeup when im in this mood I want to be the most proper girl I can act and be, I love walking in heels and nylons feel so good under a skirt. So I have two sides to myself

Second attempt

I’m just me, complicated and yet simple a product of my life experiences and my understanding of our world, I have some positive’s and I have some negatives’ too,


How do I explain something I don’t understand but have come to except with in myself?

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Erica, you have just expressed what we are all about. A hodgepodge of male & female attributes. I too enjoy my manly things , but cherish my fem time. Enjoy your fem time . Peace, melissa

[kendra_gurl]

If females allow themselves to express themselves as "tomboys" at times then its fair for us to express our "Barbie girl" side at times too.

I have actually sat in a tree stand deer hunting while enfemme so just be yourself and be happy.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't think about your female side, just do it.
We all experience similar thoughts.

[erica12b]

There should be away better explnation than my lame attemp at humble and humor,

[sabrinaedwards]

I think many of us are this way. I am a successful male, athletic, father, good husband etc. On the other hand I love being a girl. I have never understood it; I feel like a light bulb. Turn the switch one way and I am very male. Turn it the other way and I am very girly! Right now I am total girl head to foot and I feel so exquisite. Leave the switch in this position because "I enjoy being a girl."
Love, Sabrina

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I love the light switch & barbie girl analogies!!! How very true.

[Wildaboutheels]

I'm pretty sure you left out a couple of things? [Just a guess] Sometimes you get dressed...and don't stay dressed...very long at all. And, there may be times when it takes 1/10 or less the time to get UNdressed as it did to "put stuff on".

One last guess is that you are just Joe Doe average CDer who will never have to worry about succumbing to the Omnipotent Pink Fog or have fears, doubts and worries about crossing over to the other side.

[Janet Doe]

Kendra_gurl, you so right ..
The S.O was getting undressed the other day, wearing one of my sweatshirts and tshirts pulled down her Levis jeans and she`s wearing a pair of my Y underpants. I mentioned that maybe I should start wearing some of her stuff, all I got was "no don't, that would be just too weird " I guess no Barbie girl time for me ... Seems like a heck of a double standard thou.

[Tina_gm]

I think either attempt was pretty good. It rings true for me in a lot of ways. On here, most topics are our fem side, so, it can perhaps seem or feel as if the majority of us are mostly fem, or just want to be fem at all times. Now that I am enjoying my fem side, that does not take away from my masculine side. I now have to make room for my fem side.... but it does not diminish the fun I have doing the more traditionally male or masculine activities. I still like some of the masculine feelings I get, being competitive, being decisive, being blunt. I enjoy dressing as a male too. Both in outdoor wear and formal indoor wear.

[Karren H]

Personally I don't know why or even feel the need to have to explain my self to anyone least of all to myself... and since I really don't know why.... there's no way I'm going to effectively explain that to someone else.... spewing out a bunch of traits and likes and dislikes doesn't explain much of anything... imho....

[Katey888]

Erica - you've explained the inexplicable pretty well... That says it for me too. Cue the Tim Allen roar: "Rrraaargggh!!!" But then point me in the direction of a well crafted and balanced, peep-toe stiletto with ankle strap, and I just melt. Happy are those that have either accepting SOs and/ or have stopped trying to analyse (like Karen - nicely put, if I may say) and rationalise what drives all us gurls to be the way we are. But some of us just can't stop wanting to know - WHY??? :confused2:
Quick - pass the shiraz - I must imbibe...
Kateyx

[erica12b]

Im trying too come up with the inevitable explanation (in advance) im going to try dating with out her know ing about erica first . I hated dating this way before I was married but after I was married she showed her true self luckly I never told her about erica she would have exposed her to just do it when we divorced. She turnred out not to be a very nice person

This has weight ed heave on my mind - dating then after the fact trying to explain about erica it opens up so many doughts and miss understandings all the unknowns we talk about here ( minefield)
But im tired of looking for the gg that understands about us they are so few and only in a blue moon do I meet one . They are rarer then hens teeth

[Tina_gm]

While I do not think that it is necessary to give someone knowledge of CDing prior to dating at all.... I would say that disclosing this should happen at the onset of commitment. This is JUST my opinion. I personally feel that it is A. the right thing to do. (I failed at doing so) and B. it only serves us better anyway. For whatever compromises and sacrifices we might make, hiding it ultimately creates more sacrifice and compromise by doing so. Yes, finding a woman who will accept and enjoy this aspect of ourselves is rare. Accepting with limitations if known early on before or at the time where commitment starts is likely not all that hard to find, depending on how far we feel we need to go or how far we want to push the CDing within the relationship.

Of the successful relationships and marriages we see on here, the majority of them are those where knowledge of the CDing was made early on. For those relationships, they did not have to go through the broken trust, the period of near instant or radical change. Not that it can't or hasn't happened with later disclosure, but in almost all of the later disclosure there is a difficult period of time before the relationship or marriage got back to being on good standing and solid ground.

[erica12b]

You nailed it . And im getting desprit sad but true

If the lonly hart girls out there just understood just how much we cders want them .need them the world would be a better place but we are seen as pervs and weirdos strange and out of touch. By most of the female populist . Sad but true.

So what is the best explination you have heard for why we dress ? How do I explane this to a vanilla gf that has never run in to one of us?

[docrobbysherry]

Women tend to be more accepting than men. But, think about it. If you're meeting or begin to date a straight female? Do u really think she's looking for a GF or a Macys lady's dept. shopping pal? No. She's probably looking for a BF. And, GGs that don't mind you borrowing their heels and cocktail dresses r few and far between!

Erica, I'm a CD, not a TS. There r MANY times I wonder what the H I'm doing!? Sometimes dressing seems so much fun. And, others? I feel like an 8 year old playing dress up in mommy's room!

[erica12b]

As far as i can tell we all do ,feeling stupid , having gilt , and not having a goal, (other than it feels good) being a cd suck,
tg i get , wanting to be the girl you should have been , ts feeling free to explore ,or gay all are understandable , just a cd talk about nocking my head against a brick wall, duaaa ,

Now try and explain this to some one , try and date some one that you know you need to try and explain this too, try and find someone that will except your lame excuse that you hid when you started to date and then after there was a comittment of some kind ,told you the (but you should know) and still is ok with it .

Hiding her in the back of closet ,seems like the reality im faced with , sucks but it is true ,i dont like it ,but its true and i know erica is part of me to my soul, and i cannever not let her out .

[erica12b]

well i can rant and vent some where else ,sorry about that last post , what i need is a better explination , not excuses or quots just solid explination that a vinilla will understand .

[Robbin_Sinclair]

There is no explanation to life. You can't expect one on this topic either.

First of all, you are going to a CD site to get life explanations. That is either really a good idea or a really messed up idea. All of the opinions that we have on life will confirm a need to be feminine. Yet look at the posts. Topics come from a lot of starting points. This is an incredible site. You can't go to Dr. Phil to get what we have.

Erica12b, this is your journey. Not ours, not your wife's.

I used to say that I am hetero attracted to the idea of dressing up for theater, well, then just at home, well then...etc, etc. Now I really ask myself if, FOR ME, is this CD stuff training wheels gay? What if I really could be happily living with a man. Sexing with a man. Dreaming dreams together and riding in my truck with a man I love.

I do not know because I have made my decision to live life on life's terms. My terms include so many years, most of which are gone, with a woman who loves me and children obligations. How I feel is important but how I survive is the bottom line. I mediate, dress like a woman sometimes, put on incense, do manly projects, do some 12 step work, etc, etc.

We are all just surviving. Take a day, an hour, a moment at a time. Enjoy those. Breathe.

:hugs:

[Briana90802]

There are two things that come to mind about your q.(sadly they seem to be unpopular with people)First is that we are all responsible for our own feelings. Meaning we choose to feel a certain way. We choose to feel rage when cut off in traffic, or embarassed when out in public. this is unpopular bc people don't like taking responsible for their feeling and prefer to be the victim.
Secondly, the world works not in reality, but in people's the perception of reality. This means that people expect cders to be gay so in their world they are. And of course we all know this isn't true. But your perception of what reality is says that the male side and female side of you can't live harmoniously within you bc of the reality that you grew up in.
Change your reality.
I always seem to have the unpopular truths around here. But I have the truth.

[Tina_gm]

I think any big explanation is just going to make things more difficult for you. There really isn't a big explanation other than it is something you like and or need to do. It makes you feel comfortable, it is part of who you are. I think women's acceptance is not a black and white of cding, but of how it effects your life and how it would/will effect theirs. My wife is not real fond of my CDing. She struggles with it. She struggles with the idea of it, and what it all ultimately is and means for me. There is very little in which effects her life. Not saying nothing, but nothing big. That is one thing that is keeping us together.

How much is CDing a part of you, how much time do you need/desire to dress? How much will it actually effect her life? I would say rather than worry so much about what the explanation of why is, but of HOW it will effect any relationship. In reality, unless you are TS, it really doesn't have to effect a relationship all that much.

[NathalieX66]

Don't think about your female side, just do it.
We all experience similar thoughts.

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright.
-Bob Dylan

....though I prefer the Johnny Cash version.

[LaraPeterson]

Last summer, I decided to take a road trip on my Harley, en femme. As "luck" would have it, I dropped a drive belt. The masculine, type A, hetero male knew exactly how to do the tear down and repair, but it sure was fun doing it on the side of the road with long red nails and high-heeled riding boots!

[Julia Welch]

I'm a very manly straight male so I don't know why I enjoy wearing female clothing so much ... I can't explain it and feel no need to ... I'm just good with it ... My wife knows and is OK but we both want it kept from our kids.

[Julia Welch]

I love Kendras Tomboy/Barbiegirl analogy ... it's spot on !!

[Confucius]

You are a normal, healthy, heterosexual male with one little kink hard-wired in your brain to give you a sensory superpower. When you feminize yourself your brain responses with an involuntary sensory experience. Your brain releases a host of neurotransmitters which are responsible for a combination of wonderful sensations. You experience a sense of well-being, pleasure, gratification, and more. Its a type of synesthesia; a neurological condition where one sensory pathway produces an involuntary experience in a secondary sensory pathway. Only about 5% of otherwise normal males have this sensory superpower, the other 95% of the male population will only feel embarrassment.

[Eryn]

There is no requirement that we explain ourselves!

Of course, many of us find it amusing to try to do so, but most of us are simply people who have found that we enjoy activities that exist on the other side of the arbitrary gender divide created by our society. The only difference is that, when a male dabbles in typically female activities it is more noticed and less accepted than a female dabbling in typically male activities.

[erica12b]

Confucius - you have a very good explanation, ill try and use it lol now where are the smarter girls , lol. That was bad of me im sorry and greatly ashamed of my self but i am lol or smiling to self , thanks

[Robbin_Sinclair]

....Secondly, the world works not in reality, but in people's the perception of reality....But I have the truth.

Not trying to misquote you or sound like an existentialist philosopher but aren't those thoughts contradictory?

Hi Briana. Just wanted to say hello. I'm you favorite fan. That's my reality for the next four minutes.

And the truth. :hugs: robbin

[Marcelle]

I have given up trying to explain myself to others I have come out to or who I meet. If they ask me questions (which are not too personal) I respond in an attempt to educate not shock. For example, I posted once before an story about an encounter I had with an elderly lady at Starbucks. She was staring for some time so I turned to her, smiled and said hello. She then asked me a simple question "Why to you a guy, dress as woman" I simply told her because on some days I choose to be pretty vice manly. One coffee and tons of questions later she was surprised I was heterosexual, married, had a daughter, was in the military and had 6 combat missions under my belt. She always thought CDers were gay, effeminate, and worked in stereotypical female jobs. She walked away with a better understanding of CDers. I still see her from time to time and she always say "hello dear" and compliments me on my clothing.

So I don't explain so much as educate if someone asks. If nobody asks, I just go on being me "boy" or "girl".

Hugs

Isha

[CarlaWestin]

Explain myself? Why? My approach is more like, How 'bout you worry about being you and I'll just be me. One thing that I know for sure is that I have a unique gift of curiosity that has opened the door to the whole world of the feminine experience, with almost all of the sensory experiences that women enjoy. And I get to be a guy, too! Sometimes I'm even a tomboy. I mean, how cool is this?

Is it just me or did some of you make a cognisant choice to temporarily become the woman of your dreams to fulfill your adolescent desires? That's sorta how I started. I just started to emulate the big boobied girls that I knew wouldn't give me the time of day. If they could see Carla now!

Oh, back on topic. Explain yourself. Right?

[gina bennett]

Just be yourself, I enjoy all the manly things but from time to time the feminine side is also very enjoyable!!

[Danelle Tino]

Some of subjects here are awesome.If u want your feeling explained
here by the experts this is the place to come.
My man side is straight as can be I hate men.
When I'm Danelle I'm a stone lesbian.
If my wife would only accept this she is the one who would
benefit the most."well maybe the most"

[devida]

You can explain but whether you will be understood is another matter because most people just accept the values and definitions they kind of vaguely pick up from the society around them. The explanation is that gender is not binary in the way most of us think about sexual identity, i.e. Biologically male or female. Most people really are not, in the way they identify themselves, totally masculine or totally feminine. If they were every man would be Rambo, every woman Marilyin Monroe. We are all some combination of male and female in gender, of our mother and our father. Mtf cds are a bit more feminine than most men or at least are willing to feel that femininity. But it is all a spectrum and a spectrum that most people deny because they just don't want to think about anything complicated. It is certainly a problem trying to find a girlfirend who is willing to see you in your complexity rather than as a stereotype but keep looking. Understand and accept yourself for someone who is weird, non conforming, strange, and look for a partner like you. I promise you they are out there. Ask yourself, what is the point of being with someone who cannot accept you for who and what you are?

[AmandaJ]

I completely understand you and feel very similar at times. Your second attempt I think is a much better one. I have found that embracing my femme side, without trying to label it or figure out WHY I do it, has helped me find inner peace. Just be you!

http://cdn.notsalmon.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/POSTER...EVERYTHINGMED.jpg

[erica12b]

Im still working on this ,and want to thank all for there input ,

i is a expreshen of self , that by its exzistence is counter productive , yet balance ones core how to explane that? Lol