how did you decide to transition your body?

[mary something]

If you've already began (or completed) physically transitioning your body what were some of the criteria that you used to decide to do so? What gave you that final nudge?

For those that haven't yet what conditions or criteria would you feel it would take to do so? What would make it worth it?

[Kimberly Kael]

I've tried to approach transition with the knowledge that I am already a woman. Nothing is required to make me female, so I have the same options available to any woman faced with my genetic challenges. I endeavor to understand the risks, and not the ideal outcome but the range of likely outcomes. I also try to keep in mind the long-term implications, not just the short term advantages. I've also tried not to rush into anything, but that may just be some of my own minimalist approach to medical intervention in general.

What gave me the final nudge? In some cases, like laser, it was the recognition that there really was a timeline in play as more and more facial hair grew in white and the technique became less effective. In others it was a matter of feeling like I had done all the research there was to do, had talked everything over with my wife and doctor, and my interest was constant over a period of time. Medical procedures of this nature are, after all, not something you want to regret. And I haven't.

[Angela Campbell]

Criteria? I did it when I could not fight it anymore and when I got past the fear.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Mary...what have you done to change your body?? how and why did you decide.... you first.

[KellyJameson]

I lived with a tension between the image of my body as it should be versus as it was. Once puberty started thats when the need to undo the physical changes such as body hair became more intense.

I hot waxed my throat and face and ignored the pain because I wanted the smooth skin along with flirting with anorexia and the constant fight with practically everyone over wearing my hair at least to my shoulders but usually to the middle of my back.

I also dressed "colorfully" with silk shirts and had a strong interest in woman's fashion but found zero erotic interest in the fashion and was indifferent to the under garments.

I was not psychologically ready to face the truth of being transsexual because of how all the negative stereotypes had affected me so this silent war continued as I slowly slid into chaos by emulating a female more and more while denying that was what I was doing.

I never really decided as much as it was decided for me by the compulsion to change that had always been there.

It really is like riding a raging river that is going to take you where it is going to take you regardless of what you do.

This always left me feeling and thinking I was crazy so I really was looking for an answer to why I was crazy all the while I was trying to transform myself.

Once all the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place which was mainly just accepting the obvious than transitioning became a conscious act but in my opinion you are always transitioning even if you are just doing it in your imagination because it comes out of the compulsion to be what you know yourself to be.

Gender identity must assert itself as that sense of who and what you are as is the nature of identity.

[mary something]

Mary...what have you done to change your body??
1- 2 years of dht blockers (dutasteride)
2- hrt
3- facial hair is 95% cleared


how and why did you decide

well, I'm more of an intuitive thinker probably in some ways. I based my decision on a few factors.
1- I had finally created a situation where I could safely transition without hurting anyone in my family or causing significant distress. This involved changing careers and other lifestyle changes over a span of years, also allowing everyone to know that I am trans even if I don't talk about it often or make a big deal about it. The label is what is scary for most people. People like other people that are nice, but they hate scary labels they are ignorant of. When it really comes down to it we can't control anyone else, even the label they apply to us. That leads to the next reason...
2- I wanted to transition with as much social approval as possible for success. I visualized what I wanted transition to look like, and realized it would be nice if people encourged me to transition my body. Social rules and pressures exist but they can be used in our favor also instead of trying to fight them everyday only. If you act like a woman convincingly enough to someone's satisfaction they become distressed that you are in a male body and want to help you fix it if they love you. I'm not worried about the other people's opinions cause they obviously don't care. which leads to...
3- I finally got my mom to admit that she has never met a "man" like me in all her life. she still thinks I'm gay even though I've never had sex with a man though. That's good enough for me cause she's got a faith that doesn't include trans people in it's definition of real people. Also my ex wife realized I was a woman and used that as her reason to want a divorce, so I had to do that first. But once somebody tells you that you are a woman it's hard for them to get mad at you for transitioning so there are merits to it.
4- And the final aspect was that I was comfortable enough in the female role socially and emotionally that I realized that I would be happier in that gender role than that of my birth sex. The need to do transition had never went away, I tried to approach it as a matter of seeking health though. I went to therapy to make sure it wasn't something else, and it helped me in other ways. I studied Taoism and Buddhism to make sure I wasn't making a mistake of seeking happiness in the wrong ways.

By that point I was sure I was sane, was relatively well adjusted considering the situation and another more stressful situation in my life, I had a supportive partner encouraging me, and I didn't feel like the social fallout would be that great, and if it did I could still keep my job because I'm self employed in two different ways.

But I guess someone could say I started transitioning 2.5 months ago cause I started estrogen in October. Sorry for the long winded reply but you asked






how and why did you decide.... you first.[/QUOTE]

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thanks!

I first read about FFS around 2000
I was immediately obsessed with it...I stared at pictures of lynn Conway ...How could it be I thought to myself??? I had used impossibility as a defense mechanism... I didn't consider myself transsexual at the time...

over the next years the GD just got worse and worse, and my behavior was intensely driven by my constant need to live as a woman, which I continued to repress...what I didn't really think of was that I was distant and outside of my male life...my wife fell out of love with me and I threw myself into my job...the job was high stress and many of my peers worked 80 hour weeks...so I hid out there for a while...but soon I was dressing all night and weekend, losing sleep etc...

it was gender dypshoria...I was more and more miserable...finally I started therapy to help me cope...I really didn't consider modifying my body at all!! I never hated my body parts ..I just wanted to be a girl is what I thought...but over the therapy and some other life events it just all exploded...and I finally realized the direction I was heading...

so I "just decided" to start HRT, and I recall telling my therapist and she just laughed and said "about time"... and that's when I actually started considering what to do about my appearance...

i didn't find that other people had any impact on what i did and when i did it...once i knew i was transitioning i just planned it out as best i could...i got my 200hrs of electro...my 18 months of hrt...and then i decided to go live my real life...
the timing was driven partially by my hair...i never got bald and my hair grew out well so i colored it one day , and that was day one of my transition...i never ever looked back from that day..
about 3 months into living full time, i got ffs...

to me the ffs and srs were conforming procedures...they changed me outwardly to match everything else...they gave me a new kind of confidence in myself..i think the HRT did that as well, but I didn't think of it that way at the time..

btw...i wish i was 95% cleared...my electrolysis journey has been a nightmare...i guess i'll trade that for a full head of hair but it still stinks to shave 5 out of 7 days..

[PaulaQ]

I started in the order of things that really made me feel dysphoric, modified by how quickly I could get them scheduled / get through gatekeeping / etc.
- electrolysis. My facial hair was one of the first things that bothered me.
- HRT. My emotional state was profoundly bad before I started this.
- Hair system. I can't stand looking at myself without my wig in the mornings.

Next up will, hopefully be:
- FFS
- Laser hair removal for my body hair. (It also really bothers me a lot, but epilating does a fairly OK job of keeping it in control)
- SRS
- Tummy tuck
- (Only if they don't naturally develop) Breast Augmentation.

[Aprilrain]

Left wife in September of 10, started therapy in October, hormones in January of 11, went full time in August, had FFS in January of 12 then breast augmentation in November. Upcoming I have scheduled in January of 14 liposuction and a consultation for SRS, then in February, some more facial surgery to correct some mistakes and inadiquicys made by the first Dr. Hopefully I can be scheduled for SRS no later than July.

Hair removal is a constant battle but I'm confident that I'm winning the war. I have no idea how many hours of electro I've had but it's a lot! At least 300? I've lasered everything from my belly button to my toes with pretty good results. Just had laser on Tuesday and 4 hours of electro Thursday. She did my face, brows and tattoos (I have a couple small tatts on my legs that can't be lasered)

Why did I do all this? One reason, to have as female of a body as possible female body+dropping the man act=dysphoria largely gone. Pretty simple really......simple but not easy.......and expensive!!

[arbon]

Guess for me it all comes down to money, I do what I can afford when I can. In a few weeks a orchi and trach shave - that may be as far as I get beyond hrt and never ending hair zapping.

[LeaP]

Decide? I guess I did, in the end, at least with HRT, because I remember when I passed from feeling pulled toward it to deciding to go ahead. Generally speaking, though, I find change in my personal life extraordinarily difficult (control/coping mechanism). So I hedged by putting off a final decision for, oh, 5-6 months. But by this point I had already lost 70 pounds, eliminated body hair, was shaping brows, wearing finger/toe polish, and had permanently adopted some articles of women's clothing. I don't remember a conscious decision on any of it.

My decision to transition came a year into HRT, not 5-6 months (typical for me .. I procrastinate a lot). THAT decision was based on 4 primary factors ... all experiential. First, the return to feeling like myself again - gone since childhood. Second, the relief and naturalness of the physical changes. Third, the elimination of most of the psychological issues that have plagued my life and the consequent focus on congruence that remained and sharpened. Fourth, experiencing the effects of stepping off the path ... even a little, which immediately threatened the return of the psychological and emotional issues.

[Ariamythe]

I can't say what criteria I used to change my body in the first place. That was part of a deeper, messier, not always conscious process that one day just was.

I was much more ordered in my choice of when to start HRT, though. I wanted to lose 50 lbs. before I started, and I did, and then I asked for my referral.

[Marleena]

Is it okay if I make up something really interesting this time? lol. I sound like a broken record.

GD<--- That is the culprit.

I advise anybody with gender issues to deal with it when they're young. No matter how much you fight, deny, suppress, complain, this is with you for life and eventually you will have to deal with it. It's better to be prepared than get blindsided by it again in later life.

[Jorja]

I have told this all before but just for you Mary ;).

I knew something was really wrong as a young boy. I had this drive to become myself, a woman. After reading an article about Christine Jorgensen at 10 years old. This was the first time I knew for sure it could be done. I stood up at the dinner table one night and said, "I will become a woman someday with or without your help. " I promptly got knocked across the kitchen for my efforts. The next day I started researching how to do it. Because of one last plea from my parents I joined the US Navy. My parents thought it would turn me into a man. I suffered through it. About 1 1/2 years before I was honorably discharged I started on hormones. The day I was discharged I went full time and have not looked back or regretted a thing. I did not have SRS until 10 years after because I did not like the results I had seen. I waited until it at least looked somewhat realistic. Mind you, what I had done for SRS is nothing like what you girls today get done. It took a lot more money and several operations to make it look right.

[Frances]

I was in therapy for a long time. I went in with no goal in mind other than fix what was wrong with me. I never weighed the pros and cons of transitioning or contemplated criteria. From all the psychological work, it seemed like the right thing to do. Also, I verified things along the way. Hair removal made me feel better. Going out in public felt right. I confirmed my gender by manifesting it visibly. One thing lead to another.

Mary,
The central theme to all your recent posts seems to be "how do I avoid making a mistake?" The answer is simple. Start small and see how it feels. Nobody wants you to transition, not even your therapist. Verify things and go on to other stages if it feels right.

[dreamer_2.0]

Not having begun any form of physical transition as of yet, I can only speculate what the final nudge would be. I believe it would likely involve knowing that I can do this, I can be a functional woman immersed in society. Currently I only see a man in the mirror, it's very hard to see a woman. I'll probably never see a woman until I actually get off my ass and make some physical changes, fortunately I am moving closer to doing so.

Money is also a factor though less so. This isn't to say I'm rolling in cash, far from it, but I suppose my passibility is more important to me than monetary costs. That said, passibility will likely be influenced by said monetary costs.

Some here have said that passibility is mostly a mental attitude so perhaps getting my head together and finally accepting myself would be the needed nudge. It would make sense as a most positive attitude would almost certainly help me in all areas of life.

Final answer: My mental game.

[Angela Campbell]

What I did to begin was the tough part. I had a breakdown about 1.5 yrs ago when I finally saw me in the mirror. I knew what I wanted all of my life but I had convinced myself it was impossible. I began losing weight just so I could look more like a woman, and I lost a lot. I began working on my appearance with the right clothes and makeup experimenting and trying out everything I could. I began going out in public. All of this seemed to be making things better for a while. When It began to gnaw at me so bad I could not ignore it any longer, I went to a therapist. She in turn sent me to a specialist. We worked out a plan for transition and we discussed many different aspects and procedures I would have to consider.

I began HRT and I began working out the plan we came up with. I came out to my employer, I came out to family, I began living as a woman whenever I was not at work, and I began hair removal. Now I am at the point of about 2 weeks away from FFS and about 2 months from the court date for the name change, and then I will be full time.I am planning SRS in about a year.

[Billiejosehine]

I'm currently deciding to transition because my marriage is not doing well, I'm tied of trying to fit a role and wonder what it would be like, and I want to be truly happy.

[stefan37]

The only concrete thing I have to change my body so far has been electrolysis and hrt. what ever physical changes are what I got from hormones. My face after 280+ hours of electrolysis is substantially cleared. I have some sideburn hair and a small patch on my neck. I haven't shaved my chin, upper lip or cheeks in 4 weeks. I plan to schedule some facial surgery when I save enough funds(about 60% so far). Then plan srs, again when I have substantial funds available. In the meantime I am living my life as me, and I am comfortable with that.

[Kathryn Martin]

It needed to be done, I had to do this, and did I mention it needed to be done? I did not decide to do so, I just threw open the doors and set one foot in front of the other, it just needed to be done. Then I picked up the phone, called an electrolysist, called my therapist, called my doctor, called my surgeon and went shopping. All in a years work.

It was not a question of whether it was worth it, it simply needed to be done.

[StephanieC]

It all began with a wrinkle that I discovered between my eyes. That lead to better skin care, extermination of the caterpillar brow and the soup strainer, perm of the hair, herbals, therapy (to try to understand where I was going), laser face, hormones (after a long chase with caregivers), longer hair (shoulder to middle of back, layered, colored, sometimes highlighted), laser for chest and hands, inquiry for electrolysis.

So the nudge was the wrinkle, then a gradual realization of more things that needed remedy. After the skin care and reduced facial hair, people thought I looked younger. After a while I realized I was starting to feel better about my body and that probably gave me the desire to do the rest. I'm not sure it was conscious. I think it was like walking: you take one step at a time but you don't think much about it. One you take one step, it's natural to take another. However, it accelerated after my Dad died, longtime co-workers began to die, I was in another near fatal accident, and my children passed the age of 18.

So far, I have had a nurturing

[Nigella]

My body transition began when I could no longer accept looking at the wrong body.

[Inna]

DECIDE? lol, gosh I wish it was!!!

and I use lol lightly, because non of the criterion was based on a decision. At one point my lie, and yes instead of LIFE one letter missing,life gradually became felt as a lie, year after year, day after day, this deceit started to poke its venomous thorns into my heart. LIE became so unbearable that the only option was to end the charade.
Which I gladly attempted to, at which point an option was presented to me.

Now, for those not so spiritual souls, you may not understand what I am talking about, however, for the first time in my lie of a life I have received the promise of a beautiful life within serenity of true self. However I was also made to understand that PAIN was to be with me as well, the pain of a burden of truth.

Since I had simply nothing to loose but life it self, I shook the hand and made the deal.

And nothing was to stand between my quest towards absolute womanhood (at least in my understanding of it) not even death.

I never gave in to hardships, oh yeah I cried the thousand tears, but never gave in.

Now, I am a woman, not trans but a post trans woman, someone with the history of struggle with the horrible disease of transsexuality which rips apart the fabric of reality and often kills.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

maybe mary you are specifically talking about body transition only...but you really aren't talking about transition, you are talking about feminization.... i think you were talking about body changes only and lots of answers are referring to transition itself...

as far as transition itself, if you notice there are not many people here who went through pros and cons to answer what i view as the meaningful part of your question ..."was it worth it?"

the overwhelming arc for us is that we transition out of necessity..... if you talk about body transition only, you really aren't talking about transition as much as feminization of a genetically male body...some men (crossdresser or not) do things like this to some extent as well but it has nothing to do with the transsexual condition

is it worth it? as a question needs to know what really happens on the other side... what you see in all these answers is what you get is really survival or fixing a medical condition..not something that gets weighed against money job or how you feel about your kids... one of the unfortunate things ts people face is feeling trapped between the necessity of transition and everything else in their life...

i constantly harp on the point because if you are sitting there pre transition and weighing pros and cons, you should not transition in my opinion...not because i am the tranny police, but because i know what its like and i know how difficult its going to be...
there is a huge difference between trying to consider whether to feminize your body and transition i guess is what i am pointing out.. i plucked my brows and lasered my body hair way before i considered transition for example...i decided to do those things because i wanted to, and i figured nobody would notice...

[mary something]

The central theme to all your recent posts seems to be "how do I avoid making a mistake?"

that is close but not exactly it. My thoughts lately have been about how we as individuals deal with doubt and it's twin sister shame/regret. I've been trying to encourage conversations from people in different parts of their transition to discuss the things that cause them to feel doubt and through everyone's participation we all help ourselves by helping each other.

I do feel that I must be considerate of my choices and be deliberate in my actions during my physical transition, but that is because my life circumstances dictate this more so than any other reason.

In my opinion the pursuit of happiness doesn't involve any movement at all, it is simply learning to recognize that pain exists to motivate us to learn a different perspective or higher understanding of what we view our problem as in order to resolve it. The more connected we are to others the easier it is to share our problems with each other. When we allow ourselves to focus on something besides ourselves it helps to reframe our own perspective and find an easier path than the painful one.

It starts with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to allow other people to assume what our problem is though, even if it is more helpful to them than to us. It gives us the social permission to do the same and help ourselves. I see it as the most important corollary of "judge not lest ye yourself be judged", which to me means that if you learn to judge others harshly you will judge yourself harshly and happiness will be impossible.


Nobody wants you to transition, not even your therapist

I'm sorry if I have given that impression about me personally. My fiancee wants me to, she has told me many times that she feels we came together so that we could each heal something about the other one and that (to her) means it is her role to help me complete my physical transition, or feminization, whatever you want to call it. She says it in an incredibly sweet way with a smile on her face and then tells me that she finally feels that she is exactly where she should be in life after a series of missteps relationship wise.

I chose a therapist that had prior experience with transsexuals but she was dismissive that everyone who thinks they are really is. She told me to avoid internet forums unless I can handle the drama lol. She did not at first agree that she would or wouldn't recommend anything other than what she thought I needed. She has told me repeatedly that she thinks I should completely transition social roles and has helped me to plan how I am doing so.

[Frances]

I don't know. For some, the severity is such that balancing acts become meaningless. It has to be done. You may not be there yet.

I am not a very happy person and have lots of regrets. Transition is not one of them.

[mary something]

I think that in many cases the severity is amplified by repression and time. It is a natural need that we feel that is self-identified as unnatural. I do not ever wish to be "there" again which is between a rock of personal need and the hard place of repressing feelings for a lifetime and relearning how to feel them again and process them for meaning.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

avoid the drama!!! LOL...
you love drama..you argue every point...semantically, rhetorically, factually, theoretically ...you are like doug piranha ..you know all the tricks...

Even though based on what you are saying your life is going pretty well all things considered...

I don't see you as encouraging discussion as much as trying to foster your ideas about the road to happiness

...and when people respond that's the drama because you shoot down so many answers..even when the answers are based on experience and your thoughts are based on opinion of something you have not experienced.

this is not a personal attack
Its an observation...

[Marleena]

IDK but it seems this is becoming more complicated than it needs to be.:)

In my case I triggered the GD again by a series of events. The last trigger was living as my real self while on vacation ( a mini RLE). During that vacation I finally felt "right" and at peace with myself. It was short lived and the GD started again so I sought out a TS support group and then a therapist. I was only interested in getting the GD under control at that point, nothing else. When I got the letter for HRT I began reading about the physical effects of HRT on older (TS)women so I wasn't expecting much. I think at some point everybody that is TS has to deal with it because there are no other options left except misery or worse.

[Karen__Starr]

I always knew someday I would transition but the main thing that kept me from doing so was waiting for children to leave and to fulfill a 12 year span of teaching self-defense (long story here). While waiting I had electrolysis done for face, stomach and bikini area. Had my first letter of recommendation done three years ago then my second this month (time span goes back to teaching and children). Currently on hormones, will evaluate breast after being on hormones for at least 12 months. Currently looking at SRS in 12 or 13 months. Oh, last month I had my brows done i.e. permanent cosmetics and going to work with these people to have many facial wrinkles removed this summer. Okay one last thing, let me hair grow out around 2008.

What I think is great is that my best friend, a female made a commitment to be with me for SRS and that her entire family is behind my decision. I mention this because I know a lot of us don't get support from family and friends and it does make a difference in moving forward.

[Rianna Humble]

This thread has run its course