I thought I could, but I can't

[Maryanne_sa]

In October, I was discharged from the Gender clinic, because I could not bring myself to force this change on my family whom I love so dearly. Apart from when I see them, I live as a women (which is 95 % of the time). I transitioned at work. I shop, go to movies, bars, use the ladies toilets, in fact I do everything as Maryanne, apart from when I see the family.

As far as the Gender clinic was concerned, I was not living full time as a women, and therefore discharged. I was reduced to a half dose of hormones, which led to rapid shrinking of my boobs, which although not big, were definitely boobs. Sigh! I do understand their reasoning. In fairness to them, they gave me a lot of time to make that last step.

Total fear of losing that close relationship with my daughters, made it impossible to say to them that they won’t be seeing me presenting as a male in future. They do know about Maryanne. I initially had a meeting with them, soon after my wife separated from me and had told them the reason. The meeting I had with them was very tense and stressed for everyone. I do not cope with conflict and stress very well. There were no more meetings after that. I just let it drift, which of course, they are happy to let happen, and I don’t blame them for that. There are also two adorable Grandchildren in the equation, who love their 'Grandpa', and I adore them. How do you handle that!

I thought that I could cope with living like this, but I find it extremely difficult to do so. For example, on the day I help look after the grandchildren, I get up, dress normally as Maryanne, have my breakfast, potter around for a while, then at 10am, off come the clothes, the nail polish etc, and on come the male shirt, jeans, shoes etc. When I get home, I whip them off straight away, and back I change to Maryanne.

So, in spite of separating from my wife, and having lived through too many years I care to say as someone, I was not, I find myself, still living a part of my life as others want me to. The worse thing is that it’s no one’s fault but my own. Two of my girl friends have said I am too soft. All my life, I have been gentle and non-confrontational. Anything for harmony and peace.

I recently went on a trip for 3 days to Budapest, Hungary with a GG friend of mine. There we met up with a friend of hers, and his Hungarian Girlfriend. I had never met her before, but it was so reaffirming to be totally accepted as Maryanne by both of them, and treated as such. They showed us around and we all had a wonderful time. I had been depressed and stressed a lot over the past months for the reasons as outlined above.

I thought I could handle living this way, but it seems I can’t. I guess there are lots who would be happy to even be this far. Am I being selfish?

I know, I must do something, but I so fear the change in the dynamics of the relationship with my family. Will we lose that closeness. Will they ever be comfortable with the new me?
Sigh, Whatever, I know that I need to resolve this issue early in 2014 . One of my GG friends says, I should just say that from such and such a date, I will only see them as Maryanne. I don’t think that is the way to go. We need to talk and resolve the issue together.

I apologise for the length of this posting.

I wish all a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to all.

[Angela Campbell]

Coming out to family is hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Surprisingly love doesn't just turn off. Sometimes we are surprised how they will take it. You know you cannot put this off forever don't you? Sooner or later they will know one way or the other. The fear is debilitating but you can overcome it.

[Nigella]

I'm sorry that you have to live this half life, only you can decide if you can live it or whether it will destroy you.

I can understand the Gender Identity Clinic discharging you, they have helped you as far as you are willing to go, at least at this point in time. Have they left the door ajar for you if you can make that final step? Have you been referred back to your GP for Hormone treatment?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are not being selfish Maryanne

You hear us all say "don't transition unless you have to"...its true....at some point you may have to and if you do, its not your fault! you would not be doing something wrong..

The idea that you are keeping this from your kids will not stand the test of time...as you are living right now, its not really about clothes... you are getting good things out of your time as Maryanne...only you can judge if it gets harder and harder to go back

From my perspective you are a loving and caring father...you are doing everything right...you are trying your best to get through this as best you can for your kids..you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about...

I didn't lose my kids FWIW.... it was the hardest thing I ever did but I felt I had no choice...my male life was over (it never was real, and I all of sudden I knew it)..they were teenage girls...it was really hard for them...but I could find no meaning in my life or their life and so I went forward...today we are as good as ever...if you are a good dad then that is a strong possibility for you too

[Marleena]

Maryanne I agree with the previous posters, you're just not ready to be full time yet. I'm not either for similar reasons (compromising). I just find it cruel that they cut you back on the hormones, it seems like a punishment. The fact is you are still TS and need those meds.

Happy Holidays.:)

[JamieLeigh]

Many of us lose friends and family when we transition full time. My three sisters along with many other family members have nothing to do with me. When we get to this point many of us find out that love is conditional. I know I lived more than half my life making others happy and meeting their conditions for love until I almost died after a major heart attack. After I survived I decided I would be happy and live the rest of my life as a woman. Regardless of the love I lose in my life; if I knew tomorrow would be the last day of my life I will live it as the woman I now am. You are not selfish !

[Carlene]

There have been a few posts like this in the past few days...........thank you for yours.........it is comforting to know there are others (misery loves company?). Some days are very difficult while, others are wonderfully rewarding.

[JamieLeigh]

Even though we are all at different stages of transition the thing I appreciate most about this site is the fact I'm not alone in journey.

[TeresaL]

Maryanne, I have been in the same predicament with being asked, almost threatrened, to conform to a dress code by family members, although they do know that I am Teresa irregardless of what clothes I am wearing. My internal gender of female is imprinted in me and is unchanged. I can wear sweats or jammy pants and that doesn't change who or what I am. I know what I've said may be pitifully poor logic, but maybe it could be a way to feel good again when thrown into a difficult position. (That of cross dressing when we don male clothing).

[Sephina]

Maryanne I understand how you feel, I felt the same way when I came out a little over a year ago. I was so very fearful of losing people in my life. Especially the one person I thought I couldn't lose, my dad. For so long I had stressed and feared loss. Now I feel I have been very fortunate up to this point. I didn't / dont have children or a SO that I had to consider, but that isn't to say I wasn't terrified of losing the one person I felt I couldn't live without. However thankfully for me all my friends and family have been very accepting and supportive, though a few dont really understand or want too (Dad and Step mom). I am also relatively young in our community I haven't been out very long at all so I can't really relate my experiences thus far, I'm sure that makes a difference. But I finally decided to hell with whoever doesnt accept me as I am if they can't they probably dont love me anyway. I know its different for children but I am utterly tired of trying to make others happy while I myself grow more miserable by the day. I'm tired of trying to live a lie, I'm tired of hiding so I'm not going to anymore. Sorry I'm ranting... anyways do what's right for you best of luck to you.

[Lilo]

Wow. I personally find it very harsh reaction from the gender clinic. Here in the US my therapists and doctors are all about moving at your own pace. They would never react that way. Coming out to people takes time and is an anxious activity.

About your dress code. During that 5%, you can try wearing female clothing that are a bit less shocking to people. Pants, shirts, blouses and many others will do and they will make you feel better all the time about presenting coherently all the time. When deciding to transition I got rid of all my male clothing but still wear lots of pants, jeans, tshirts etc... As long as you comit to something I think it is OK to 'creep into' what makes you feel comfortable with others. It has worked very well for me since I am still coming out to people but will not wear any male clothing ever again.

[mary something]

One of my GG friends says, I should just say that from such and such a date, I will only see them as Maryanne.
.

That is wonderful advice Maryanne and I would take it! You provide a service to your children by watching the grandkids for them. It is obvious from your writing that this is much more than clothes deep for you, it is about expressing who you are honestly to the world. I agree that there does need to be discussion because like you I feel that handing ultimatums down is not always the best method of asking for change. Sometimes ultimatums are necessary however and in this case I agree with your friend.

Perhaps you could begin the conversation by telling your children that you are having to discontinue a medical treatment that has made a positive impact on your life, and ask for their help and understanding. If they think the color of your nails or the clothes on your body are enough to make you a different person then perhaps it would be time to offer that ultimatum. You have to take care of yourself before you can do the best job of taking care of someone else, I think most mothers would understand this.

Beware seeing completion of your transition as a choice, because it is simply a way of saying that you could choose to NOT be you if you wished. Of course you can pretend to be someone else for the sake of a loved one but that advice is hurtful to you and in my opinion only forestalls the inevitable while leaving you in a pained state when the day of reckoning finally does come.

Not a good situation for anyone in your family nor does it guarantee a good relationship or outcome for the parties involved, in fact I think it makes it less likely.

I think there are some simple assumptions that we can make that will help this needed change happen more smoothly. One is to give your loved ones time to process and adapt to this new information. Another is to assume that your loved ones will want what is best for you so that you can be your best for them. And another is that it is not fair for anyone to withold love or affection for you regardless of the color of your nails or the clothes you are wearing (although maybe promising to dress modestly would be a good way of helping loved ones feel comfortable), which you would never do for them no matter how you might disagree with their choice of style. Most importantly however is that your loved ones are more likely to accept that this is important to you if you make it clear that it truly is, which leads us back to your friends advice.

You will be teaching your children and your grandchildren a valuable lesson that even if they don't understand at first they will eventually. It is ok to be who you are because the ones that matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter. If one of those grandkids turn out to be transsexual, gay, or anything different from the norm they will need a role model one day.

Hope you have a wonderful holidays and a Merry Christmas!

[TeresaL]

Your clinic is not using WPATH 7 correct?

Maybe there are some loopholes to buy you time while you work your grandchildren into transitioning with you.

First thing is to work with your clinic. Since they are using their own SOC, maybe you can bargain or negotiate with them. Find out specifically what their rules are.
Then work carefully on your plan. Maybe wording and a little shifting of priorities would solve this painful situation. You said...
"at 10am, off come the clothes, the nail polish etc, and "
That's what my SO does when she gets home from work. Her bra comes of first, then her hair gets pulled back into band, then she wipes her make up off. She then puts on a sweatshirt and pants. She takes care of the grandkids dressed that way. Your clinic would ding her, and she's GG.

"on come the male shirt, jeans, shoes etc."
Why not sweats or T? Wear ladies running shoes and jogging pants. Stop dressing in crummy men's clothes. heheh

Also, who are the gender cops, and how is their so called clothing violation reported?

Across the pond though, WPATH 7 is used. RLE is not required for hormones. It is for GRS.

[Brooklyn]

When your kids find out, if they haven't already, they may ask you why you didn't complete your transition. What will you say? Something like, "Well, if it hadn't been for YOU, I would have been true to myself." I say set an example of living your life with integrity and courage for your grandchildren. :<3:

[Starling]

As often as possible I wear androgynous women's pants and jackets and shoes, when I am unable to be fully myself. It helps a lot to create the kind of internal continuity others here speak of. Meanwhile, I have found that my hair, makeup and breasts are more important to my sense of myself than the clothes I wear. Consequently I discarded most of the frilly things I bought in the last few years, and have kept only those which suit the kind of woman I found, through interacting with others--both friends and strangers--that I really am.

:) Lallie

[Maryanne_sa]

Thank all of you for your replies. I really appreciate the comments. It has given me a lot to think about. I am determined to resolve this issue.

Maryanne

[Alex R]

Your clinic is not using WPATH 7 correct?

........
Across the pond though, WPATH 7 is used. RLE is not required for hormones. It is for GRS.

Neither is it over here; the following is an excerpt for the NHS's own website pages on Gender Dysphoria:


The aim of hormone therapy is to make you more comfortable with yourself, both in your physical appearance and how you feel psychologically (mentally). These hormones start the process of changing your body into one that is more female or more male, depending on your gender identity.
Hormone therapy may be all the treatment you need to enable you to live with your gender dysphoria. The hormones may improve how you feel and mean that you do not need to start living in your preferred gender or have surgery.

My understanding is that the Charing Cross GIC in London tends to have a rather superior, gatekeeper like, attitude on how it chooses to dispense its services.

[Rianna Humble]

Or could it be that since they are the busiest GIC in the UK and have a waiting list, they are simply not able to cater for people that they see (rightly or wrongly) as not being committed to the course of treatment proposed? This is definitely not a condemnation of Maryanne, but she does say in her OP
I do understand their reasoning. In fairness to them, they gave me a lot of time to make that last step

[Maryanne_sa]

My post was in no way intended to be a criticism of the GIC, Rather, a beating up of myself for not doing what I know is the right thing for me to do.

I am more than ready to transition, in every aspect, apart from Family, which, for me, is the biggest aspect. For this reason, I can understand someone saying that I am not ready,
I guess, if something, whatever it is, is holding you back, then, you are not ready.

I lost my wife, and many friends, which did not help matters. I am probably doing my family a large injustice, in assuming the worst. I need to find the courage and strength to deal with this, otherwise
I will be regretting it the rest of my life and I do not want to end up resentful. Thank you all once again, for your posts. I really appreciate it.

Maryanne

[Krististeph]

I have no advice to give, as i am not planning on transitioning, except for this advice:

do continue to talk and post to here- this is one of the reasons we are here! You may not get any useful advice, but you will have many people who can understand at least some portion of what you are going through, and that is very important to be able to talk with others in similar situations, and to just get things off your chest! You need to be able to talk to someone, and almost everyone here has been truly outstanding in being open and forthright- you may not agree with what each person says, goodness knows we rarely are in total agreement about anything, but you have people here who have been through their own versions of tribulations with crossdressing, and what to share some of the help or insight they have had.

Oh- one other thing- when you need to talk- the longer the post the better. I pay $200 an hour for a therapist when i need to really talk, and it is worth it. This forum, in my unscientific opinion, can give you a significant portion of that ability to open up, at only the cost of writing rather than speaking. Huge bargain and a tremendous resource.

And some pretty cool and awesome people here too- even the ones you may not agree with- they have a lifetime's worth of familiarity with the subject, more so than any single therapist or even a small local support group.

Get on with the message posting and it will feel more natural.

p.s.: You may want to write your 'started threads' ahead of time in a word processor (encrypted file of course) so you can write whenever you want. This journal of your thoughts on file is something a therapist would heartily agree with!