Becoming

[Inna]

There are posts about the transition, however, too often, they discuss the internal struggle of coming to terms with realities of transgender life. I would like to discuss the struggle and process of becoming a woman, within the confines of societal scrutiny.

I feel that the amount of energy which needs to be put into transition is often misunderstood in its grandeur and magnitude.
I write this out of my own experience and in no way this is a call to arms for everyone, nor is it a prescription for every transitioner. There will be those who find transgender land quite comfortable, whether by earnest feeling of self as transgender or by process of unresolved denial.
I am writing to those who within deepest crevasse of their true self, feel them selves to be a genuine women deprived the privilege of the correct gendered body from the start.

As I have become engrossed in daily life as a woman, I slowly have become more comfortable being who I am, but still, the facets of dysphoric mechanism are still alive and present.
I have also become indifferent to the amount of energy needed to make my self visibly feminine and projecting without a fail, essence of ultra feminine treats,

As I had before, in my previous life, stepped up the manliness to cover ever so present femininity, now, I feel the same need to step up my femininity to squash and extinguish remnant of masculine traits.
Every day, every minute, and I would be a liar if I didn’t indicate, that actually every second passing by, I am fully aware of my movements, poise, body language, speech, intonation, voice tonality, in control of the normally auto reflexive responses, such as sneeze, cough, laughter.
All this amounts to an extreme load of emotional control, where one needs to be on their toes without the fail all day long.

Such transition, before it becomes innate and automatic, takes it all. When I get back home after a 9 hour day at work, my exhaustion is extreme, far from the walk in the park.
Some may argue that such devotion and investment of one self is too much, and instead of enjoying the new life I beet my self over the head, suffering in the process.
But believe me, this suffering is an investment in becoming.
In fact those who say that perhaps it is too much and it should be enjoyable in much less of a devotion, I feel, they accept the point of middle ground, where being recognized as a transgender shall remain within every day of their so called new life. But in fact, this new life will be just an extension of an old with addition of otherwise internalized expression. The only difference, that now that internalized expression will be visible to others.

I could never accept such reality, I had to be whom I always was, a woman, not a transsexual.

I suppose I am redefining the meaning of what transsexuality really is, and to me it is a horrible disease, overcoming human spirit, crushing and often killing the innocence and beauty of true self. When I took upon this challenge, I didn’t give in to an option of failure, and however such strive was unthinkable or impossible I never wavered under the immense stress of transition.

Well, that’s my story and not yours, I invite you however, to write yours by your own pen, whether impossible in odds or ridiculous or unfeasible, reality becomes of what we dream it to be in the first place.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-mHQpeCg-hDg/UrvFJHwVS-I/AAAAAAAAAoU/49zvrGDilBA/s400/inna%2520w%2520label.jpg

[Kathryn Martin]

Thank you that needed to be said. In my first years after transition I find in time the energy expended to hold myself in this place where I belong has lessened. Much of what I needed to unlearn has drifted away into nothingness. But always I am aware of the space I use, the movements I make, the sound I make, how I conduct a conversation with women, with men, with children, how I set my feet, where my eyes go, my gaze falls, how it falls, how my body twists turns and is held and in this I unlearn and find my place. And always I am aware of what you describe and in the wily ways my male upbringing exerts itself in the moments least expected.


Strangely, coming home in this way teaches others about my true nature.

[Dawn cd]

These are fascinating testimonials. I would love to see a perceptive psychologist or social scientist do a study of post-transition transexuals. Because it seems that many transitions involve self-engineering that far surpasses the outward, physical part--and that this is a tense and delicate process over a long period of time. Most TS folk testify that their inner core has always been female. Yet aspects of their femininity seem to be studied and learned rather than innate. Or perhaps their male habits need to be unlearned. Either way, it's a hard path that begins at the moment of transition.

[JamieLeigh]

All I can say thank God for modern medicine hormones gave me my boobs and my surgeon gave me my vagina, now If I could just find a pill that makes me forget I was stuck in a body I didn't ask for and I had to spend so much of my life trying to act, talk and dress like something I wasn't. I love being a woman 24/7, working, shopping, dating straight men. Nail salons, hair salons.

I can only advise wake up every day and be as happy as you can you deserve it. We Trans women paid our dues and it's our time to ROAR ! Be confident, love your life and life will love you! :) Jamie

[Badtranny]

For me it's always been about the look.

Since I went full time I've been nearly obsessed with banishing my old male tells. I've given very little thought to how I act or sound. Those things have long been accepted as a given.

I came back to Bakersfield for Christmas and I haven proven to myself once and for all that I have 'become'. In the beautiful SF Bay Area, I can never be sure if I'm passing or if people don't care but here in the redneck enclave of Bakersfield, there is no ambiguity. When you get read here, it's immediate and apparent, but this year was different. This year I was invisible.

I was here for two days with no makeup and a baseball cap and was never even looked at sideways.

It's a brave new world. Turn the page.

[mbmeen12]

I invite you however, to write yours by your own pen, whether impossible in odds or ridiculous or unfeasible, reality becomes of what we dream it to be in the first place.
1. Inna I am happy to hear from you again! I am writing for all the world to read and you, that at this moment it is logistically not feasible. My GID manifested late in life and very close to retirement. When I dress my mind is in overdrive thinking; "please let me take the next step?" The therapist, the letter, HRT cant start soon and no way is it the magic pill as you wrote many times warning us. You are right when you speak of an extension of female to your male side, I like to think of broken branch of the oak tree. The limb is on the ground (male persona) and in spring comes the offshoots of the female persona sprout good bad or ugly.
Again I am so happy your doing well, writing as you do, very thoughtfully, articulately and hanging in here for me and us gurls
xoxo Kara:)

[mary something]

Thanks for writing this Inna, and you are very attractive,I like your pic. To me transsexuality has two components. One is the internal relation to one's body and physical birth sex, the other is the manner in which one interacts with the outside world and is perceived by it. We know when transition was the right thing to do afterwards when both are satisfactory to the person in their new role and clearly an improvement to the prior situation. I've followed your story for a long time. The good times, the hard times, the difficult times... congratulations because now it is your time :hugs:


do a study of post-transition transexuals... involve self-engineering that far surpasses the outward, physical part..

that is interesting, although I wonder if it is any different than what a self-conscious teenager does at times during the first week of school. I think every human to some degree is self-engineered and the process is fascinating in each instance.

[Kathryn Martin]

Yet aspects of their femininity seem to be studied and learned rather than innate. Or perhaps their male habits need to be unlearned. Either way, it's a hard path that begins at the moment of transition.


All femininity whether you are born female or born female with a birth defect, is learned behavior. Unless you knew, you would not be able to distinguish between a female or male one week old infant. Brains and bodies do develop differently during gestation but on that biological basis (even in transsexuals whose brain and body sex diverges) femininity, masculinity is learned through socialization. Is this social determinism appropriate? Probably not but is informed by biological, social and political views of the time. Patriarchy is not a natural form of masculinity but rather an ill advised emphasis on the biological strength of men and the associated subjugation of women. Male privilege extents this behavior and socially cements it. The consequences of such behavior are at the root of presentation issues such as the amount of space you take in a room both literally and figuratively, the way you walk, move, confidence etc.


Unlearning these behaviors which were taught to us, not explicitly but implicitly because of our genitals is one of the hardest things to do because they are at an subconscious level cemented into us. They also will out you every time. The most beautiful woman will be tagged as a guy if she behaves like one. The masculine woman will be considered a woman if she behaves like a woman. I have FtM friends who are so obviously men because of these behaviors. For late transitioners to unlearn is particularly hard because we have "enjoyed" male privilege for our life. to get rid of it, to take the lesser paid position, to be passed over for promotion, to let go of the dominant partner position in our relationships is difficult.


Ask yourself for a moment why the voices of women get drowned and even tagged as transphobic, who believe that "women" with a penis should not be in women's bathrooms. Anyone suggesting such a thing is vile, transphobic etc. and note how the guys in dresses prevail. It is one of the purest forms of male privilege. Usually the portrayal of the situation is then inverted, by painting the men in dresses as the victims. It is always easy to dismiss this but if you are really a woman you should understand why this is not just a given. I expect much criticism for saying this but there you have it.

[Badtranny]

I expect much criticism for saying this but there you have it.

Challenge not accepted.

I find myself increasingly disinterested in this argument.

[mary something]

I'm not sure why you expect to receive a lot of criticism. The only parts that I personally feel are somewhat inconsistent with your statement is that it takes a position disregarding gender as innate, as radical feminists do and then proceeds to describe specific behaviors doing that very thing though. For example the strength of men and the subjugation of women is part of that gender narrative that radical feminists wish to end, as do I because gender in that sense is a societal structure. I think viewing patriarchy simply as a type of masculinity (while true) can hide the larger truth that it is a method that some societies use to establish lineage through the male. Because until relatively recent times it was impossible to know with surety the identity of a father, females (because of the biology of reproduction) were found potentially threatening to male heirs. This is steeped in our culture for thousands of years, even back a couple thousand years ago when the lineage of Christian culture was traced from David to Jesus through the male heirs and much of religious texts in Western culture are simply genealogies for this reason.

When patriarchy is viewed this way it seems to me to actually support the argument of radical fems that gender is not innate but social. That is why when someone uses the analogy of men being loud and women being quiet it seems to me that it is only reinforcing a narrative that supposedly is being denied.

Maybe that is why a girls slumber party usually involves anything but lots of sleep but are still named as such. Women are quiet and men are loud is one example that I think on philosophical grounds we both reject that narrative if we truly believe gender is not innate.

One of the most difficult problems with being who we are right now is that the current treatment for people with transsexual feelings is rather new, protocols change easily, and treatment is anything but assured even when needed even though people like us have always existed. There simply isn't words or concepts to express things adequately sometimes, which is why a "woman with a penis" is the type of statement that creates controversy, especially with the bathroom issue. Some cultures simply have bathrooms that everyone uses since the inherent misandry that all men are potential sexual predators seems to be just as much of the narrative that is supposedly rejected. It takes time for societal attitudes to catch up with innovation when it creates entirely new posiblities in the real world. Many people would argue that even the treatment regimen for transsexuals is so deeply rooted in that narrative as to make it seem almost punitive to wish to transition from the privileged sex to the "weaker" sex.

To me I simply think attitudes are really important especially when considering those of inclusiveness or exclusiveness. Perhaps my thinking is wrapped in that narrative too but like Inna described in her post it might take a lot of effort to learn the habitus of fitting into mixed company it certainly has it's rewards, let's not fool ourselves that slumber parties are about sleeping though.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My own experience has been one of simplicity and advancing day by day step by step... this took so long its impossible for me to say how I've changed...

To be fair, my own background is not polysci or liberal arts... I was a math major. So I tend to think in terms what's right in front of me and solving for my own best quality of life..

I was very surprised at how little I actually changed once I transitioned. I think one reason for this is that I have always been more feminine than I considered...especially in the way I treated and communicated with people...

I learned all this over time and through transition...I had no real knowledge of what was to come, and I had a lot of thoughts about what was going to happen to me...including tastes and smells changing..likes and dislikes changing.....
I recall early on going to a chic flick with my sister...I was so excited...but during the movie, all I could think of was "this movie sucks"....

maybe I'm just a tomboy... when I think of the word becoming I think of it as simply becoming myself... transition freed me of making assumptions about my gender...it is what it is...I am what I am..and I was always this way..