Acting Feminine or Gay?

[Briana90802]

I mean no disrespect to anyone with this question, but when you are enfemme do you act feminine or effeminately gay? Hopefully this question is clear I guess I want to be perceived as a female when I'm out, not as a gay man in drag.

Any advice?

Again I can't stress enough that I mean no disrespect.

[Marcelle]

Hi Briana,

I would have to say I have styled my mannerisms (e.g., walk, gestures, expressions) based on my observations of women so they are designed to appear feminine. However, since people tend to confuse gender identity with sexuality, if they see (in my case) a guy in women's clothing acting in a feminine manner then they will most likely think effeminate homosexual guy. I don't get too wrapped up in this perception as I am what I am. If during conversation with someone and sexuality comes up, I will correct them and that is where it normally ends.

Hugs

Isha

[carhill2mn]

I try my best to act as a woman in a feminine manner. This means that I am not "over-the-top" in any of my mannerisms.

[chrissy111]

I do my best to act as a natural woman.

[DebbieL]

When I was younger, I didn't understand the difference. A gay man in drag tries to act "too feminine" and "too sexy". Even without a lisp or other affectations, the illusion is different.

Learning to act, walk, and talk like a real woman takes a lot more observation, support, and coaching. The trick is to not act TOO feminine.

If you can find a woman to give you coaching, that is the best way to learn the subtleties, she can help you think more like a woman as well.

[Beverley Sims]

No, airs or graces from me, I could never pull it off. :)

[Annaliese]

Act fem to blend in, not to offend fem gay is to over the top

[AllieSF]

As a person my personality and character do not change when I change my mode of dressing. My mannerisms do in that I try to tone down the male ones and emphasize the female ones. I do not think that I act overly feminine. It is probably a workable, for me at least, mix of reduced male and enhanced female. I know some MtF whatever's (across the spectrum) that sometimes do over emphasize some feminine mannerisms, mostly the hand gestures with the curled up hands and fingers as they talk, and fewer times their voice inflections. When I see those my mind remembers some of the flaming male gays who use those similar gestures and voices as part of defining who they are. So, to me at least, there is a link. However, as long as one is comfortable with who they are and how they present it makes no difference to me. My ability to accept, like or dislike is based primarily on their personalities and characters. As to whether one is gay, lesbian, trans, or not, does not enter into my perception of them. They are just human beings with whom I have had the pleasure or opportunity to get to know a little.

[Crissy Kay]

Considering what I like to wear while enfemm, I do kind of mince around at times!!

[Dianne S]

I don't consciously act differently when dressed, but my wife does say I'm quieter, more gentle and more subdued when cross-dressed.

[MsVal]

Softer, gentler, more conscientious. Does that help?

[Cheryl T]

I'm sure at times I was over the top and seemed very effeminate, but generally I'd say my body language and actions all are just feminine.

[katssun]

I try not to go overboard on the femininity, which pushes one into "effeminately gay" territory.

Real women come in all flavors too. It's may be surprising, but it's really more about correct posture and a smile. The less you think about it, the more natural it is. When you try too hard, it looks like an act.

[Majella St Gerard]

I think I come off as masculine/femme, if I had to use an adjective. I think most people think CDers are gay, they are brain washed by society to think that.

[Karren H]

Guess I have an unusual situation since my son is gay and neither he nor his boyfriend act as feminine as the stereotypical gay man... or as feminine as I act.....

[Tina_gm]

hmmm.... I don't really try to act feminine. I do have natural feminine tendencies that I simply set free. When dressed they are likely to be even more prevalent I am supposing, as I dress alone so there is no one to say whether or not I act more or less. I am just going to assume more as I am connecting in a deeper way to my feminine side. I imagine at times that it may come off looking somewhat gay.... a lot of people do see a feminine acting man and will assume that he is gay. To us, who are straight cross dressers, we see a difference that many people do not see. It is subtle, but more obvious to us.

[Tracii G]

Most of my gay male friends don't act over the top any more than I do.
Enfemme I am still me just appear to be femme but my question why would you even act over the top? Most women I know don't act that way.
My walk and mannerisms change when the wig goes on and the femme side comes out.

[devida]

Who do you want to perceive you as a female, Briana? I am pretty sure very very few gay men are going to think you are gay. Gay men don't have the walk, mannerisms, vocal tones or gestures of women. Even in drag they don't really seem like women. Anyway, if you're straight gay men aren't going to be interested in you. I also don't think most women who pay any attention to you are going to think you're gay. They might think you're a guy in a dress and they might wonder about that but they'll probably think you're just not that good at passing. Who does that leave? Straight men? Do you really care what they think? Are you dressing for them? I doubt it. You're dressing for yourself primarily. And a large number of straight men aren't actually going to pay any attention to you. You are certainly cute, but not bombshell cute and most people have been taught not to stare, to accept a few cues about a person, and then move right along. So you're now left with the stupid straight males and, believe me, you're never going to convince them of anything beyond their own prejudices. So just dress and have fun.

[lingerieLiz]

There are several movements we cant pull off well since our structure is not he same as women. I don't really try to act fem. I also don't try to be a he man. I used to be teased a lot about the way I walked which caused my hips to move like a woman's. I guess it went away since no one sees it any longer. Now I just try to move.

[MissTee]

I do hand, wrist, walk and other gestures that feel like they belong with me en femme. My wife confirms I do, and that it's not egregiously or overly dramatic. However, I don't do any of this to purposefully exaggerate or emphasize femininity. It really just comes out and feels like it belongs.

[Jilmac]

I try to be as feminine as possible because I present myself as a female. I never had any intention of doing drag or dressing in a flamboyant fashion as many transgender people are portrayed by the media. I believe the general perception of crossdressers being gay is hype purpatrated by tv writers and prodcers who are non understanding.

[Barbara Dugan]

Totally gay and If I am dressing I will try to act the most feminine and lady like, that is a very personal choice....now there is nothing wrong with flaming, that is also a very personal choice of expression. You decide your own form of presentation and acting

Honestly I've read the same concern on some gay forums, where they don't totally understand how the fem gay act this way..I guess straight acting behavior is becoming more mainstream and accepted within the gay community as well.

Lets not forget that Transgender women were on the front lines of the LBGTQ civil rights movement. I guess we will be always be together

216816

[NathalieX66]

As long as I appear feminine, that's cool.

[Jessica giovanna]

As a beautiful bisexual crossdresser, I do find some of these statements a little, ummm...boys club....we want to dress as women, act as women...but are scared to be seen as gay? Help me out here as I am not catching on, I guess. Why all the concern about how you are perceived in public? Hell yeah I flit....I have a natural lisp...speech impediment that I have had all my life...am I flaming? Acting femme in any aspect to a knuckle dragger will automatically make you "gay". I say deal with it and move on to a place where we are all the same in wanting to be who we are....again, not trying to start something...just wish that we all could and should be comfortable in our own skins...makes for happy girls!
Ms. G

[KaceyR]

I believe the general perception of crossdressers being gay is hype purpatrated by tv writers and prodcers who are non understanding.

I see this a lot.. And that's the bigger side of what people think. The drag side I consider more as entertainers on flamboyant, exaggerated mannerisms designed to really 'put it out there' for show and comedy (entertainment) as well as dealing with extra emphasis on the modeling 'attitude' (the true drag queens, the RuPaul shows,etc). This is what's been played on in shows and broadcasts for quite some time, it's what has been made visible, so it's what's thought of by general public. General hetero CDing hasn't been as "exciting" to put out there in shows and media...so it's not as understood or considered.


When dressed they are likely to be even more prevalent I am supposing, as I dress alone so there is no one to say whether or not I act more or less.

I'm a bit similar here...dress alone so I don't have any good judge on things. But I've been finding some stuff filtering into the everyday drab...basically an issue where my body memorizes this stuff too well and tries to incorporate it into the everyday. Sometimes I realize it quickly, other times not. Walking at times I shift into the way I do for my heel walking... (in any case it's been good for my back, posture, and abs/stomache work in general :). Some I guess more gentler hand movements.
My voice has been another oddity. Maybe not so much on speaking voice... But my work with trying to lighten and up my range has kind of caused me some odd control issues when singing. Before I was trying to work up a feminine voice, I already had a bit high sound. But could force a higher range while still keeping the throat (and Adam's apple) normal (resonant). But since I've tried to work a higher range with Apple lifting, my singing with the standard resonant mode has kind of ran into problems. Hasn't affected daily voice (from what I can tell) but I really have to work to not trigger falsetto when climbing octaves. Certain areas now makes my voice crack which is annoying (as I was getting good singing high w/o falsetto for some songs). Luckily, my singing is only for the car and odd Karaokes to it doesn't matter much :) But I was getting good into reaching some of the ranges of naturally higher ranged folk (think along the lines of Japan's anime songs and even their lady singers :) )

So from my view (and to answer the OP) I tend to think/act softer instead of the flamboyant for my fem goals. Maybe if I was a bigger more outgoing person to start it might affect how I might do as far as voice,etc (to do the stronger speech styles) but otherwise, I just keep it softer.

[Hell on Heels]

I do everything to be as passable as possible, and agree that being "over the top" is probably the fastest route to take if you want to get clocked. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but your only fooling yourself if you think your fooling everyone.
In the end though, it really doesn't matter what others think of you, gay, straight, or lesbian, just have fun with who you are.

[Christina8]

Im not sure how I would weigh in on this one... I have been the only "man" in the house for over 20 years and have adopted many feminine caracter traits. Maybe that is why I am so gender problematic... I dont realy know how a "man" is supposed to act and therefore, I come off as more feminine even when Im in my male role. On the plus side, it seems to make more people like me and be willing to follow my lead, which as a restaurant manager is more important than most would think. Overall, I do notice some more "feminine" traits even when not thinking about it or dressed for it, like the almost cartunic upturned hand when climbing the stairs at home. I tend to bend my wrist backward, which is telltale "girly" I do it when i run as well. Or the wiggle of the hips when i walk, or when I catch myself putting my hands just under my ribs and pulled toward the front, rather than on my hips, that is sub concious, or even the way I put my hand on anothers back to let the know that I am behind them. It is a gentle sort of almost "fingernaily" way that recently I have notice that girls do more often than men...

[Amanda M]

I dont overtly try to be ultra feminine, simply to be me. If I get it wrong, my wife will be sure to sort it out, bless her.

[Lynn Marie]

One of my most favorite people is a gay drag queen. She pulls this off better than anyone. Her style, her dress, her makeup, her shape, her walk in heels, absolutely flawless. All on top of being a wonderful friend. I just wish I could look and move like her. As it is, when dressed, I seem to naturally act at least a little feminine without even trying.

[Maria 60]

That's a great question, I find that I sit in male mode a certain way, with my legs wide open and then I will put on a skirt and everything changes, automatically I cross my legs and my foot goes straight pointing out, or if I am doing something in the kitchen counter and then I look down and realize that I have my foot at a different angle and my toes pointing outward, and find even when cutting vegetables I am holding the knife and cutting the vegetable different. I believe it's just instinct but I don't think it is gay, I look and feel more famine. Just last week I noticed that I was watching TV and fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up I was in a position I never sleep in, almost like rolled up in a ball and my legs closed tight, almost like I didn't want anyone to look up my skirt while I was sleeping, how did I know I was dressed in fem once I fell asleep, it's a bit strange almost like you become and act like a different person without trying, it just feels natural.

[heatherM]

I act like me all the time I am a fem, my nails always look good, I dress like a guy and act me I dress like a woman and act like me, I have to catch myself before I mince about swishing my hips with my wrist limped femmie self but that's just me.
Actually I think women act and dress so manly anymore that its mostly guys doing the fem anyway and gay straight bi what ever I don't care, the thing that really gets on my nerves the most is the knuckle dragging red neck thats all studdly till his wife shows up, what a pud.

[Lisa.Stevenson]

Really interesting question, I've honestly never noticed it before but at the same time I know I act and move in a more feminine way when im crossdressed. I have to say I enjoy knowing this quite a bit.

[cdintraining25]

Other than probably just minding how I present myself (keeping legs crossed,good posture, minding what I'm showing) I don't really act very differently.

[Kate Simmons]

I.m not sure what that means Hon. I'm always just myself regardless of trappings. What others may perceive is totally up to them. :)

[cdintraining25]

Sorry, I meant that when I'm dressing I may be more body conscious and just a tad more proper but I wouldn't think that I act terribly feminine or even gay. I might speak a little softer and give my hips a little swing when walking though.

[NicoleScott]

It seems to me that feminine speech and mannerisms are fine if it comes naturally or authentically. Over-the-top is a dead giveaway, and the worst is a guy speaking in a falsetto voice - aarrgghh. Here are some of my observations about changing speech and mannerisms:
1) I worked at company with several openly gay men. They were always very professional at work and presented themselves as run-of-the-mill guys. But on several occasions in social settings away from work, they really turned on the gay in both speech and mannerisms. I wondered which was authentic and which was fake, or are we that strongly influenced by our surroundings?
2) Same story, only with several black women in the office. Very proper speech when working or talking to whites, but when talking among themselves in the breakroom or away from work, they resorted to ghetto-speak. Authentic or fake, which? Or both, depending.
3) Me. I'm well-educated (BA) and always try to use proper English. Most of my work has been white-collar office jobs, but for two years I worked with uneducated rednecks in a very labor-intensive blue-collar job. (no knock intended against rednecks. I am one. My co-workers were hard-working folks of high-character - they just used the speech they learned, especially when with others like them.....see the pattern here?). Anyway, one of my co-workers asked me to throw him a ball of twine, which I had already done. I said "I already done throwed it to you." I stopped and asked myself "did I just say that?" - yes, I did. It just felt natural at the time, but it concerned me a little that it rolled off my tongue so naturally.
To me, it's understandable that a person can turn on the femme when in that mode.

[melanie206]

I recently did a google-ing to try to find out the origin of fem mannerisms in gay men. From what I observe, it's a characteristic that is present from a young age so I don't know how it is learned. My research was pretty fruitless but I did come across an interesting article that discussed how, among some gay men, there is a certain amount of rejection of the stereotypical effeminate gay man in favor of a more masculine presentation. The point of the article was to remind the reader that the progress of the LGBT movement owes much to the gay men who refused to tone down their mannerisms and faced up to a largely disapproving culture. And on a related subject, I also was recently watching you tube videos about how to attain a more perfect feminine way of walking. Putting one foot directly in front of the other is often mentioned. There is a teen aged young man who attends the church I go to who displays the aforementioned mannerisms, may well be gay and damn if he doesn't have that walk down!

[Lexi Moralas]

I try to emulate the GGs that I have observed over the years

[Julie S]

I thought the whole point of dressing was to present as feminine. Who cares what people think?
Julie

[Helen_Highwater]

Briana,
I think I know where you're coming from. OK I don't get out nearly as much as many here but when I do I think my general mannerisms, movement, posture, are those of an "average" GG. Were I have an issue with my presentation is in coupling mannerisms when interacting with others to a speaking voice. Foe me it's a very fine line between being that little bit extra "touchy feely", more hand and head/eye movements that GG's tend to exhibit but having a voice like a drag queen that makes people think stereotypical "OTT screaming gay"

Often the advice to newbies is observe what GG's do, how they dress most of the time. Well I've spent a little more time listening to GG's and from my observation GG's that have the high pitched voices are in the minority. Most are far more mid ranged, not having the deeper resonances of males. So I'm working on reducing/eliminating that part of my range with perhaps a slight raising in pitch(Doe to mee/soh?). Hopefully that will give me the confidence to interact more.

So perhaps what I'm trying to say is moderation in all aspects of your presentation is what's required.

[gracee]

Karren: Have the boys seen you en femme? If so, how do they react? (An intriguing situation.)

[Genny B]

Guess I have an unusual situation since my son is gay and neither he nor his boyfriend act as feminine as the stereotypical gay man... or as feminine as I act.....

Really need a 'like button' here! I had asked the same question in an eMail of a friend CD'er as I know I don't have the voice. Very interesting answers!

Genny B

[(Sara)]

I try to copy what I see from girls, most of my gay friends are more flamboyant than feminine if anything, that would be a bad look if I tried that!

[LaraPeterson]

I don't want to sound facetious or demeaning, but who gives a rat's behind about what someone thinks about how you act when you're en femme. If there is a problem, it's in them, not you. I was born with male parts that I've discovered I don't like anymore. If I can, one of these days I'll rid myself of them. I hope to add some feminine projections as well. But my genes are still gonna say I'm a guy. No matter how much my mind says otherwise, I'm stuck in this body as long as I live. If I want to flit, flirt, or otherwise act in a way that is more feminine than I ought or can, and someone wants to laugh, make jokes, or be unkind, I choose to ignore their ignorance and go on being me.

[looking_good]

I am surprised to learn that when I am dressed/made up my body begins to act more feminine. More hips. More gestures. Olympic hair tossing (a recent favorite). In musical terms, it is like discovering a richer scale. It isn't a conscious process of 'well, now I must act like this' - rather a surprised expression.

Who knew??? Someday I shall master heels too.

[looking_good]

Okay, the heels thing is probably a bridge too far...

[Sarah V]

As I guy, if you were to ask anyone who knows me, I am sure they would certainly say I am anything but femme. So when I dress I most certainly do like to try to act the most feminine and lady like, (both in mannerisms and voice) and that is my very personal choice of my presentation and acting.

[MascStilettoBoy]

Okay, the heels thing is probably a bridge too far...

Never stop trying!! so worth it!

[Patrica Gil]

I mean no disrespect to anyone with this question, but when you are enfemme do you act feminine or effeminately gay? Hopefully this question is clear I guess I want to be perceived as a female when I'm out, not as a gay man in drag.

Any advice?

Again I can't stress enough that I mean no disrespect.

Being yourself is best, and the softer more feminine side will just come out. My SO does know even when I am underdressing because I am more feminine. Observe other women and just follow their lead. Sooner or later you will ask questions frome them and usually they are more than happy to help.

[Marcie]

When I dress I always feel very feminine. My mannerisms and deportment fall right into the right persona. The problem I have mainly is my voice but I'm working on that

[Angela.Moni]

I guess like the most girls here I act feminine, because I feel like a girl and not a man who is attracted to other guys. I must say that I am attracted to men when Im en femme which is most of the time. Do you feel the same? I trend to be very very girly and feel good about it.

[karenroberts]

I guess like the most girls here I act feminine, because I feel like a girl and not a man who is attracted to other guys. I must say that I am attracted to men when Im en femme which is most of the time. Do you feel the same? I trend to be very very girly and feel good about it.

Ditto for me

[MzVanessa]

Its pretty hard not to act ultra feminine when wearing something as wonderful and a nice tight dress and skirt and some 5 inch heels. It just feels more natural to swish a little more when dolled up as opposed to walking upright and solid like a line backer =)

[AKADonna]

Anybody who would think of you as a gay man in drag clearly doesn't understand gay men or crossdressing. The gay men that I know have no interest in dressing in drag. In fact, as a group, they are probably the most understanding on my CD'ing. Just be the girl you want to be and don't worry about what others think!

[Valerie1973]

If I'm out in public I try to walk and act ladylike and tend to be more fem. When I'm alone at home I'll act out more queer and over do it. I'll talk to myself with a lisp. What is acting gay? The whole thing is gay according to mainstream.

[Tina_gm]

Donna, most people do not have much understanding of cross dressers or gay people. And the media portrayals of both don't do either much justice. They only reinforce any stereotypes that are out there.

[JulianneXD]

If I became a woman, I'd be a lesbian. I love everything feminine, myself and my women.