Hanging in limbo

[Billiejosehine]

There is nothing more enjoyable then to wear women's clothing whether it's under my male garb or a complete outfit except a shirt a guy would wear. If I can find women's clothes that's as unisex a possible that would be even better. I think I'll begin to try putting on makeup to finish the look. With what my SO has found out and seen this year, it has severally impacted our relationship in bad way. I can't blame her when I tell her I want to be a women. That is a recipient for disaster and just adds file to the fire with all the other problems she says I put her though. She even told me that she can't get past things and not only does it bother her, but she doesn't like it when I show affection; since it bring up the things she has a hard time with. She assumes I'm acting like nothing has happened and everything is normal when it's not. It's a DADT situation now and there's no intimacy. Although stress and other things do affect her attitude, so it seems things will be going good and the next day things are not so hot. I sit here in limbo trying to make the best of things as I consider and make a commitment to begin my transition. This has been interesting year and I'll just have to see what the new year brings. Hopefully it will be better!

[kimdl93]

Are you guys in counseling? If not, I strongly suggest it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Billiejosephine,

From your post I am reading that you are not CD but TS (want to become a woman - gender reassignment). Am I correct in this assumption?

Isha

[Jenniferathome]

You told her you want to be a woman and YOU are in limbo? What about your SO? Is she just supposed to hang around and be your girlfriend until your transition is complete? Then what? You owe it to her to talk this through to its obvious conclusion. Any choice she makes is because you made her choose. Seems like you would be more contrite.

[PaulaQ]

I'll second the recommendation for counseling. However, please know that if you transition (and if you need to transition, then you just need to do it), the overwhelming odds are that your marriage won't survive. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's the truth. They do make it sometimes - usually in cases where there are small children, but the women who can tolerate a partner who transitions seem to be quite rare and special.

Your wife's problems with intimacy aren't surprising either - many women, upon seeing their husband present as a woman have difficulty with the questions this asks about them and their own sexuality. If they aren't turned on by seeing you - does that mean they don't love you? If they are turned on - does that mean they are lesbians? There are a lot of issues, and most people don't have even a vocabulary or tools for trying to separate gender from their sexual orientation and preferences. This is true for someone married to "just a cross dresser." For a woman married to a transsexual - these issues are much more severe, and generally unsolvable within the context of a marriage.

[Tina_gm]

Is she fully aware of you being TS? I second what Jennifer has said, as she is as much, probably in a lot more limbo than you are. Is she waiting around to see if you are going to continue to be a guy or become a woman? Imagine how powerless and out of control she must feel. She obviously wants to be with you or she would be gone. Counseling and some real heart to heart communication is needed here, for the both of you to decide what is best. Also, as to what Paula has said, Cding is much different than being TS and transitioning. CDing itself brings on unique challenges and struggles to relationships and can cause them to suffer and end. Going the entire way drastically lowers the success rate of relationships to stay together. Seeing how your S/O is responding, if you decide to transition, it is very likely you will be doing so without her.

[DonnaT]

Fuel to the Fire

If you plan on transitioning to living full time as a woman, I doubt couples counseling will help.

If not, then couples counseling is the next step to try.

If she can't get past it and start being affectionate again, then you have nothing to lose by doing as you please, except your wife.

[Lorileah]

If you plan on transitioning to living full time as a woman, I doubt couples counseling will help.


Can't hurt :idontknow:

[kimdl93]

In my humble opinion, Billie, you need counseling individually to clarify your thinking, and jointly with your wife to address issues that i suspect transcend CDing.

[Billiejosehine]

Thanks for all the great reply. It gives me more to think about. The thing is that in my current relationship I'm not really asking to much. I have done a lot and things are falling apart. I do understand her reaction to the things she knows: wearing women's clothes, looking at sites such as this one or feminizing ones self, painting my toe nails, shaving different parts of my body, and the desire to be a women. I still keep the dressing in private and after seeing me with shaved legs she doesn't want to say anything or ask anymore questions. A couple of times she has said she's afraid to come home and see me dressed and believes that I'm gay. But in my relationship that is just the tip if the iceberg in the problems she has with me. She tends to get overwhelmed and stressed and thats when the threat of divorce is presented; this is at least the seventh time in two years. A few days go by and it seems that things go back to normal. This causes me stress and after joining this site and posting here allows we to get stuff off my chest.

Considering how things are, I still have strong feelings about my SO and I'm afraid of loosing what I have. But I also know that the end of the relationship will more then likely happen. We both see a therapist, but as far as couples therapy; that's just out of the question. It's my fault for where things are as I finally came to terms with feeling that I have kept suppressed for so long. I just have to have courage to get up and walk away from a failing relationship, that will never be what it was like when we first met. Only if I had told her about my CDing and desire in being a women when we first met (I was actually attempting to self medicate with estrogen anti-testosterone at the time, but really believed that it wouldn't be an issue.

[PaulaQ]

Its really not your fault. Just about nobody "wants" to be TS. I can't tell you how many TS girls I know, me included, who desperately wanted to be "just a cross dresser." There is a great deal of prejudice, social stigma, hatred, and discrimination associated with being trans. Many trans people, trans women in particular, lose everything - all friends and family, all material possessions, their employment, etc.

So being in denial about this, even when in retrospect it seems kind of absurd that you would be, simply indicates you have some sense of self preservation.

Unfortunately, as you appear to be finding out now, your instincts are not helping you, because the need to be yourself is more powerful than your instinct to save yourself.

Anyway, you likely have a medical condition. Feeling guilty about hiding this is simply not a productive way to feel. You are unlikely to be able to compromise and control this in such a way as to find a "balance" with her. Yes, there are relationships where such compromises happen, but your tendency to self-medicate indicates that you are very, very unlikely to find such a balance short of transition.

So unfair as it is, your SO will have to make most if the serious compromises with regards to your transition. Most women will be unwilling or incapable of doing this. This suggests no weakness on their part - she can't change who she is anymore than you can change who you are, and asking her to fundamentally change like that is as unrealistic and unfair as is asking you NOT to change.

I'm very sorry to write such a terrible post to you. It is the situation, more than any person, that is unfair.

[Beverley Sims]

Billie,
Do you really need to transition, or is your future with your wife?

[Jenniferathome]

...I do understand her reaction to the things she knows: wearing women's clothes, looking at sites such as this one or feminizing ones self, painting my toe nails, shaving different parts of my body, and the desire to be a women.

Billie, you must understand that "the desire to be a women." is totally different than cross dressing or shaving your body. The former makes things hard for her, the latter makes it impossible. You need to be you, I get that. You seem oblivious to the impact of what you wrote.

[kimdl93]

I cannot imagine a valid reason for couples therapy to be out of the question. It appears that the two of you have not learned to communicate and desperately need the intervention of an objective and skilled therapist if some constructive dialogue is to occur. Before you write off this marriage, why not make a meaningful effort to at least begin to understand each other.