typical hard honesty from me..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

as some of you know, i'm going thru some tough times..
i'm out of the house for a week now and horribly missing my family life..

here's the thing...and i dont like what i'm about to say..

for 5 days i moped around, felt sorry for myself, wanted to die (not really), hated the world, incredibly pissed at myself and my wife ...just total misery feeling like whale poop...so last nite i'm all alone.

what did i do? i got all dressed up of course, tried on some new outfits, went to the mall and some hotels ...and you know what...i felt great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i felt whole!!!!!!!!... i felt wonderful......i forgot all my troubles and michele had a great nite.. i started thinking i could maybe get out to a bar this weekend or actually meet some other people as michele...it was great...i am saying it was simply totally wonderfully great

so i got home, started to wind down, and then i "pleased myself"...and i IMMEDIATELY felt ashamed guilty and terrible all over again... i am talking IMMEDIATELY...... arghhhhhhh.....

notwithstanding that i am going thru tough times, this just all seems so hopeless...

no matter how hard i try, i don't really look like a woman when i dress (so i cant go out and function like one..which is what i want to do), my wife hates me, thinks i "betrayed" her, i might lose my family and if i make the crossdressing experience sexual (which i like to do) i immediately feel guilty and ashamed...

now i'm a grown up , and i am what i am and all that...so i understand that i didnt do anything wrong and i'm actually a prettty great person if you ask me(lol)....its just that it's really really tuff being a crossdresser and i'm feeling like at the end i can simply never have what i really want...and its making me very sad.

oh well...sorry to bum anybody out...does anybody out there feel the same way??

[Michelle Hart]

I do sometimes. Even though my GG suports my dressing completly.

I still feel akward when I do some things around her, even when I dress and she is at home somtimes I feel guilty or ashamed.

When I get overexited and one thing leads to another while home alone I feel dirty afterward yet I don't know why.

It's quite confusing.........

[MsJanessa]

hon I'm assuming the photo in the avatar is you---and you look fine--the depression is what most newly separated people feel--T-Girl or not--the best cure for that is time---you should, in the meantime go out to some of the local gay or(if there are any near you) trannie clubs and get to know some other T-Girls---you might even consider meeting some of the people you have talked to online---in other words get off your can and enjoy yourself--Mistress Janessa orders it--lol--:dom:

[erica12b]

im in the same boat as you , almost a year now (from split) and dressing is not very good right now, the fun and thrill is gone (for now) , it's a low spot and i know it, i get the kids every other weekend and i should feel i have a new life , but i dont and i dont even dress when i can, and when i do its diffrent some how, im changing, ill just half to what and see what im changing in to. we will survive,

[sherri]

so i got home, started to wind down, and then i "pleased myself"...and i IMMEDIATELY felt ashamed guilty and terrible all over again... i am talking IMMEDIATELY...... arghhhhhhh.....
I think many of us have experienced something like what you're feeling. There have been a number of times when minutes or hours of dressing and heightened arousal, during which I couldn't even imagine arousal any other way, have culminated in solitary relief, and immediately afterwards all that excitement and sureness of identity just vanished.

My theory is that it has to do with the absence of a reciprocating partner. Masturbation can be nice, but in the final analysis sex is "designed" to take place between two people and without that other person it's a letdown. But the sex is only part of it - alone, there is no validation, no affirmation, and without that the dressing etc can feel hollow.

So, know what I do? First, I don't give up on finding that other person. Second, when I do what you described alone, afterwards I make myself stay dressed for awhile, quite awhile, as I go about doing whatever. Before long, the empty feeling starts to subside and being comfortable with yourself rebuilds. Try it a few times and I think you'll find that feeling of self-alienation will pretty much go away.

[Sarahgurl371]

Michele,
I hope that by now you are feeling better. And I hope you are spending a little time finding you.

I myself always feel the guilt and shame, if I should experience personal gratification after dressing. Its like I am not allowed to enjoy myself the way I want to. I am starting to realize though, that I like what I like, its always been that way, I don't think it will ever go away, and I do not want it to. I just want to feel a little better about myself.

I think Sherri may have a point about staying dressed. It has occured to me that even after plain jane sexual intamcy, I have this period of time where I am not really aroused, not really connected, just blah. Detumescense- a term i read about in a book recommended by my therapist. Tried looking up several definitions, but this damn dial up!!!!!! Anyway the jist i got is that there is a normal male response after orgasm, that makes us feel a certain way, then with persons like us, who have beat ourselves up about our sexuality forever, there is a phsycological component as well, possibly the cause of our guilt and shame?

I know that for me, its always like - why did I do that? I really wish I didn't. I will not do it again. Then after the "Detumescense" phase is gone, all is back to where it was earlier.

Just another piece to the puzzle. Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Be good to yourself. Use this time to figure you out, and let her do the same for herself. Maybe a local support group would help you feel alittle better?

I get the message, I just want to share myself with someone!!!!!! And I feel ya. I think that could also be some of the cause for the guilt we feel.

[Keyplayer74]

Yes..

The guilt is horrible. I'm married, and my wonderful wife doesn't have a clue. Many of you I know, are going to ask why don't I tell her? Many reasons.. but I think the biggest is that I don't want her to see me any other way than the way she sees me now. I'm not going to go public with my dressing or involve anyone directly, it's just for me, in my private time. That said.. there is a definate roller-coaster action that happens. Gotta dress! Gotta dress!! Then, I do.. release happens sometimes, and then I'm miserable. I remember the last time my wife went out of town for 2 weeks, I bought a wig, shoes, etc. Life was great until you-know-what happens.. then I was saying to myself, "Why the hell did you do that?!" Really beating myself up. Felling like I want to go crawl under a rock. Feeling like I've betrayed everyone I love. I know it's dramatic.. hey.. it's how I feel sometimes. Anyhow, I purged all that stuff on trash day that week. Guess what? I bought more stuff. Lesson learned. I purged once, but never again.

[JocelynG]

Michele,
I honestly can't say I know how you feel. I have felt the guilt you are talking about after the excitement and I've felt that loneliness afterwards. It happened when my wife left for a weekend and afterwards I missed her so much. I know that you are probably feeling that only worse and the best advice I can give you is hang in there. Things can only get better when you are down so low. And know that the forum is here if you need a shoulder to cry on. The support here is wonderful and I for one will be willing to be a friend in need. My prayers are with you.Huggs:hugs:

[randi_789]

I feel so bad for you Michele. My wife doesn't know and those are the reasons I won't and can't tell her. But she still may find out on her own and that scares me. But the guilt. I thought I was alone in this. As soon as I have an orgasm I have to strip the feminine clothes off me and move on with my day. Even knowing it is going to happen, I can't stop it. I have tried to force myself to stay dressed, but to no avail. I have never gone so low as to purge because my rational self says you will come back and regret it. But still I wish I could get past the guilt and stay dressed after climaxing. Again I am sorry for your circumstances. Keep your chin up hun. You have the support of all of us here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you guys are all great...i read all the responses so far twice and i need to do that because i have so many conflicting things going on..

mistress - that is me.. i honestly think i look ok, but for me (and this is a personal thing and i know we all feel differently about this) i want to really pass!!! and of course i cant.. if the seperation lasts i'm sure i will continue to ramp up my dressing, shave some more body parts etc, and finally meet some people...prior to my marriage i did go out dressed and dated some men and i find that thought incredibly arousing...of course i know acting on that will create even more guilt for me..

anyway...i also think i said while i was dressed all my problems went away, so i guess in the worst case, i'll just stay dressed forever!!

tammi- i love the stuff you come up with!! demu what?? anyway, you are correct that once i got over the demuschusioausoidas (hehe) i slept like a baby..

and for all you girls in the closet all i can say is that i've dressed the same amount as i did before i told her, and i wish to hell i hadnt told her...now that's just me!!!! but whatever you do, make sure you are prepared for the consequences..many here claim to have had good experiences telling wives so what do i know/

anyway...thnx for the support i need it

[kwebb]

The fact that you felt guilty immediately after masturbation might be somewhat telling, I don't know. In my case it is. I felt as though I was about to throw away my whole life all for some fleeting sexual thrill.

I'm right now in the middle of asking some hard hard questions and re-evaluating and re-prioritizing the CDing and how it should fit in my life.

I guess it all boils down to what is really important to you. It is a tough situation. What do you really really really want?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

kwebb

i hear you 100% the problem is i don't know... i think i want what i probably can't have..an accepting supportive wife and my wonderful family..

i got myself into this and now there are consequences..this is a hard truth and it impacts me, my kids and my wife....all people i love dearly..

its really tough and that's really what i was trying to get across in my post...

hopefully i work it all out...i really am an optimist at heart so i will start from there and see what happens

[pricilla21 GG]

michele, you are no an axe-murderer! stop beating the crap out of yourself! I think your wife will come round but its going to take a bit of time. Its a devastating blow for a woman, not that your SO is a cder but all of a sudden you don't know who your SO is. Give her time, she hasn't stopped being in love with you, it doesnt work like that. A time will come when she will be calm enough to talk, especially as theres children. You are the same person you always were but theres a side of you that she hasn't seen before and thats why she's angry. There is room in a relationship for cding, the boundaries just need to be redrawn. The thing all of us whose SOs dress are agreed on is that we love our men. I hope things start to improve soon but never feel guilty or ashamed of who you are, we are all human. Be nice to yourself and take care of YOU! Hugs pric

[Kaitlyn Michele]

priscilla..thnx

as i said i still have alot of hope!!!.. i told her in march though!!!...for 9 months its been frosty city.....now we are in "trial" separation...no legal papers... i will say she has been very very nice and even a little flirty which i got 0% when i was notout on the street!!!! ...so we'll see

thnx for the kind words..i do kinda beat on myself sometimes

[TGMarla]

Well, Michelle, perhaps some of it is still a lack of self-acceptance. Rather than accept the fact that you crossdress, and will likely do this for the rest of your life, you spend time beating yourself up over it. Now, on one level, this isn't hard to understand. You are going through what must be about the toughest ramification of CDing there is: the loss of your wife and family. As I never had any kids of my own (my wife had one that she lost), I really can only imagine what it's like for you. And you blame it all on your crossdressing. It's no wonder you flog yourself for it.

As for the sexual aspect, well, there has always been a sexual aspect to crossdressing for me. It's gotten less over the years, as other feelings and concepts regarding CDing get greater, but still there is a sexual aspect that I cannot deny. Yet I don't feel guilty about it. It's a part of me, as it is you. And really, what does guilt get you anyway? Nothing, really, except a lower opinion of yourself. You may feel that it's caused you to lose everything, but bear in mind all the variables involved. It's obviously your wife that is so totally against this aspect of your person, not your children. Their bond to you is different and greater than your wife's could ever be. You show them that you love them, and they will invariably reciprocate in time. Yet they are likely being heavily influenced by your wife. It's an uphill battle to be sure. You think if you had been a different person, one who doesn't crossdress, everything would be all right. Yet, there is no guarantee of that, and had she been a different person, your outcome here would be different, too.

But why is it that she is getting everything, including the kids? Do you have no say in how this all falls out? I think that you have to be a factor in how this mess is resolved. Perhaps you need to fight a little harder.

I know that when I dress, I sometimes feel very vulnerable and submissive. It's hard to get up the emotion to fight when dressed, at least for me. But I spend almost all of my life as a man, so the dressing doesn't interfere with my other pursuits much. I hope it doesn't for you, either.

So try to shake off that silly guilt. There's plenty to go around. You don't have to feel that it's all on you. After all, you say you feel that you are a pretty terrific person overall. It's likely that you are right about that. So chin up, and move ahead. As Tolkien said, "Even the wise cannot see all ends." Perhaps yours will be better than you think.

[Bonnie D]

Hi Michele,

I had read on another post that you had told your wife and as a result you had to move out. I wanted to talk to you about it a few days later but couldn't remember your name. Sorry about that. I know this post is about your situation and not mine but my problem will be similar with some differences. A quick summary being, I've been married for 26 years, she doesn't know I dress. I have a son, 23, and daughter, 20. I'm bisexual, always have been. I went out for my first and only time last summer while in another city and loved the expereince. I'm seriously planning on telling my wife about the dressing. She will throw me out. I know I will be able to deal with living alone. I've learned to deal with guilt over the years, masturbating while dressed then quickly changing back - I don't have to change anymore; sex with men - the first time I had sex with a man after I was married I fainted during dinner with my wife, she thought I was sick - I don't think about it anymore. When I had sex with a man he had to orgasm first because if I did it was over, I had to stop - now if I orgasm first I can still continue until he does too. I'm saying these things to let you know that guilt can be overcome. What I do feel guilty about is having to live like this and what it will do to my wife and kids if I come out. I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about them. My kids will be on their own within the next couple of years, if I leave my wife she will soon be alone. We are not financially sound but may be in a couple of years, if I leave the financial situation will worsen. If I don't plan now and she finds out on her own, then what?

I feel for you and your situation. I hope you can find something in what I've said of some help. If you have any advice for me I would appreciate it.

You are not alone.

Bonnie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

right now we have no official agreement...i work, my wife doesnt, so the kids are home with her and i'm a couple miles away..its feels real bad to be out of the house but all things considered this is the only way..

at some point we will come to the fork in the road and no matter what i'm moving back in, if just for the kids..at that point who knows.. so dont worry i havent given up fighting at all..i've made the choice that i hope is right that by giving my wife some space she can seriously consider whether all this is worth it.. my honest first impressions are that she is already feeling like i am running through a brick wall for her and she is feeling better about us..

sounds strange but thats what i think..any wives out there beleive that might make some sense cuz to a guy's mind it sounds crazy..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

bonnie..thnx...the whole point of me posting is to try to feel better about myself and all the responses is helping alot..one thing i have to selfishly consider is if my wife rejects me she still might not be willing or successful in getting a divorce..my kids are young and i very strongly want to stay with them...we'll see.


thnx

[pricilla21 GG]

Hi again michele, hope you are starting to feel a bit better in yourself. From a woman whose boyfriend is a cder I think things are looking good. She seems to be defrosting. I think you are doing things right. If she was going for the divorce it would have been well under way by now. Its alot for a woman to take in and, like I said before, time, honesty and communication are so so important. Dressing as a woman is not a crime, feeling good about yourself and "pleasing" yourself is not a crime even if you are wearing panties! Tell your wife to sign up for our section when your communication has reached a point when you can talk openly(GGs), she will find alot of support from the girls. I found this site by accident when I was snooping through my SOs computer (very naughty), it has made me understand that I am not alone and theres alot you cant talk about to regular friends that I can get off my chest on the GG forum. She needs support and its amazing how much easier we feel with a bit of support. I have also met alot of cders through these threads and have a better understanding of my boyfriend because of it. On reading Bonnie's post I think the day will come when his wife is going to need mega-therapy when that bomb drops. Keep your chin up honey! Hugs pric

[pricilla21 GG]

Bonnie, I have read your thread over and over again and can't believe what I'm reading. I am not going to rant at you but you need to start being honest with yourself. I realise that the lies have gone on for so long now with your wife you cant see a way out without blowing the whole lot sky high. I would urge you to come clean with your wife and kids. It will hurt like hell but that day WILL come eventually. How bad would it be if your wife was told by someone else, if she caught you or caught something sexually from you? Get it over with so that you can have a life and your wife can rebuild hers. The kids will never stop loving you and you will always be their dad. If you do love your wife set her free from the deceit and lies. You will do yourself and her a big favour in the long run. I wish you luck. Luv Pric

[Sarahgurl371]

. my honest first impressions are that she is already feeling like i am running through a brick wall for her and she is feeling better about us..

sounds strange but thats what i think..any wives out there beleive that might make some sense cuz to a guy's mind it sounds crazy..

Michele,
Isn't it odd how we hear that we are so selfish and all me, me, me about this whole Cding/TG thing. But from your post here, and the actions I have taken to help my wife feel better about herself, it sure seems that some of us put ourselves thru hell, to spare the feelings and emotions of our wives. Yet we are always the A##hole?

Just a thought.

On another note, about the guilt. I look myself in the mirror and kinda have a daily self affirmation, kinda like Stuart Smalley on SNL. Sounds kinda corny, but it seems to have really had a positive impact for me. I am who I am, And I sure wouldn't wish the crap I have felt on anybody. Why shouldn't I give myself the same respect I would give a stranger? I sure had to do something, the anxiety was killing me, that whole gonna pass out thing whenever someone mentions a CDer or other "abnormal" person.

Hey, you matter! You are who you are. Its OK to be you! :thumbsup:

God bless!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

tammi-

i agree with you 100%...i've brought that up with my therapist and in her way she puts it right back to me by saying so what...if you didnt want to go the extra mile you wouldnt do it.....but it is ironic that in my case, i am the bad guy (scratch that --gal heh).. and she is the one that declared she didnt love me anymore... oh well...

priscilla- thnx for the support. i appreciate your thoughts and i am hopeful that things will improve..one thing i need to do is keep my emotions in check
i have so many strong feelings about this there are times when i feel a little out of control, but i'm working on that..i'm afraind that if i'm not patient i'll lose the momentum, if i don't push a little then i won't get what i want...

my rational mind says when she is ready she will let me know.