Inadvertant Comming Out

[Ceri Anne]

I've been dressing regularly for a little over a year now. I have read how you need to come out to your SO, and of course that makes sense. I also know its much harder to do with much higher possible consequences than can be easy to handle. My wife and I just got back from a Cruise with friends, and of course Christmas. I didn't want to come out around either of those where it may put a damper on them. I had planned to do so in January once things had settled.


I had a minor surgery procedure last Friday, and have been a little careless with a couple things since. My wife found them and confronted me last night. It was not pretty, and ended up with her leaving for the night. I'm hoping she will be back tonight, and it is hopeful that she will. My kids (24 and 20) are home for the holidays (daughter still lives with us, in college) They had "gone out" so we could talke and they would be talking to me when they got home late last night. Things went very well with my kids. Hugs were exchanged, questions were asked, and they both said I was their Dad and they would always love me. They would be there for me whatever direction things went.


I'm praying things will work out with my wife, and will be giving her links to here and other information pages. I understand her anger, confusion and shock. I had an online indescression a number of years back, and she is equating that with this. And as far as the deception, it is similar. I expressed, that I always have, and do love her. I don't want to do SRS, I'm not gay, but I don't really know where I will end up. ironically, we hadn't been married long when she brought up that I should have been the girl in the relationship and she the guy.


More to come I'm sure.

[reb.femme]

Oh crap was my first thought!

Hope this situation resolves itself Ceri.


Rebecca

[Bree Wagner]

Ceri,

That's quite a bit of good news / bad news. I really hope things will improve with your wife and that you can start rebuilding some bridges tonight. I'm glad the kids took it so well.

Wishing you the best,
Bree

[Desirae]

I know this certainly could not have been the best ending you would have anticipated for this year and, especially, around Christmas. Hopefully, after a little time to herself (and maybe with some of her friends), your wife will be in a better frame of mind to come home and talk with you open and honestly, and then you can both access where you need to go from here. Maybe you can include your kids in your discussions with your wife. It would always be good to have a couple of allies on your side to keep perspective. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Dana M]

Ceri,

I hope everything works out.

[Hell on Heels]

Hi Cari, you are experiencing my greatest fear. I hope it will work out well for you and your SO.
With hind sight being 20/20, do you think there is anything you could have said or done to change the way
she felt after she found out?
Much love,
Kristyn

[PaulaQ]

Ceri, I am so sorry this happened to you in this way. That is certainly the worst case scenario for coming out. I hope you and your wife are able to find your way through this. :hugs:


but I don't really know where I will end up

I know most people here think "I want SRS!" or "I like men!" is the scariest thing you can say to a woman. But in my experience, with my wife, telling her that "I didn't know where this would end" was by far the worst thing for her to hear. She lived in dread from that moment on. The uncertainty just killed her. It was a relief, in some respects, when I told her "hon, I am going to transition - I simply have no choice." (It wasn't an especially nice relief - but it at least had closure.)


I had an online indescression a number of years back, and she is equating that with this. And as far as the deception, it is similar.
They aren't similar at all though. A man who's a horndog and sleeps around will suffer VERY few negative consequences for this socially, even though many will disapprove of his behavior. You hide that stuff from your wife because you WILL suffer negative consequences from her.

A CD hides her behavior because SHE WILL often suffer grave social consequences for coming out. It's better than it used to be - but the world is not a friendly place still for gender variant men. In this case, hiding is a life long self-defense mechanism. I know in my case, well, my Dad brooked no sissies. Neither did anyone else I knew. Fastest way to lose a good friend? Just hint about CDing. You learn pretty fast that hiding is the way to go. Particularly when people tell you that: "a man in women's clothing is insane," or "a pervert", or "a clown" or all of the above. Most of us don't want to be those things.

I'm not saying you don't have responsibility for not telling her - you do. But unlike the online indiscretion, in this case you weren't doing anything wrong and hiding it because you made a choice to do wrong and knew it was wrong. You were being yourself in a world where EVERYBODY else thinks it's wrong. Still, despite the difference in motivation, you certainly owe her an apology for not being honest about it sooner, and you owe her honesty in the future, if that comes to pass.

Best of luck hon, I really do feel for you.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ceri,

I am so sorry to hear about the inadvertent outing. I hope that things will work out between you and your wife. I was glad thought to hear things went well with your children.

Hugs

Isha

[PretzelGirl]

Always here for you Ceri. You have my best thoughts that this works out smoothly.

[kimdl93]

One of the risks of hiding is the inadvertent outing. It's too late to undo that mistake. Just be as honest with her as you were with the kids and prepare yourself emotionally to accept whatever transpires.

[Valarie]

I am so sorry you are going through this Ceri, but like everyone has said it is great that you have the support of your children. I think for us with children it is very scary to think that they may not accept us. All you can do is be patient and communicate to her when she is ready. We are all here for you sweetie.

[Teri Ray]

Keep the faith Ceri. If you were a good person before she knew of your dressing passion you remain a good person now that she knows. Dressing cannot change that. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Jaylyn]

Truth be said. You need to let her know your feelings for her when she returns. Tell her you want to work thru this. Answer her every question truthfully and let things be what they are. I really sometimes the hiding behind the other ones back does more harm than telling the truth in the first place. Mom always said to tell the truth. I believe that also. If she wants to continue then from here forward let nothing be in the closet. If she doesn't want to continue then you can carry on with as much dressing as you want. Ask how she feels but be kind even if she doesn't like it. Bet that you will find that maybe she will accept it when you answer her honestly. A woman seems to be able to sense when a guy is lying and when he is emotionally telling all. JMHO only you will know the best way to handle the problem. Good luck and know we are here for you with an understanding ear.

[Ceri Anne]

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. I'm just about done with work for today and will be heading home. Will see what happens. Between working all weekend and this, Its going to be a long weekend.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Hi Ceri. I hope you are doing OK. I am really glad things went well with your kids and sincerely hope you and your wife can come to terms with her newfound knowledge of Ceri. Kim and I are always here for you and yours and I am always free on Mondays and Tuesdays if you ever want to get together or talk. I'm sure Kim would be happy to talk with your wife from a SO perspective. Hang in there. Hugs. Tiffany

[Stephanie47]

I'm glad the kids are not an issue. At age 20 and 24 they are able to make a decision by themselves. Of course, the relationship between a husband and wife is different than the relationship between a parent and kids. The kids realize that your qualities over twenty plus years have not been unnoticed. Hopefully, your wife will weather the shock of this knowledge. The question in my mind is whether or not a wife is willing to toss the baby out with the bath water. Hope the new year goes well for you.

[Tracii G]

All the best to you Ceri I hope she can accept you in the end.

[Beverley Sims]

Ceri,
Do not add fuel to the fire by embellishing the situation just give her the answers to the questions she asks.
I do not mean to be unhelpful in your replies but do not put extra sugar on them either.
If your children give you their support that is a good way to solving the dilemma.
Just take it slowly and bite your tongue if things become caustic, as they well might.

[Jamie Lynn]

Keep the faith, Ceri. We're all pullin' for you!

[MarinaKirax]

your kids being supportive is a major stumbling block. You are you, and they understand. You and your wife have more shared experience, and in that sense, how can things go wrong? She knows you better than your children, and they support you. As long as you feel you can be a husband AND a girlfriend, you will be fine. MK

[LauraOTN]

X <- Fingers

[Christina Kay]

My thoughts are with you , that things can resolve themselves. As to the coming out , Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. Just be honest,just be open. Yes the past does comeback to haunt you....This is unknown territory your relationship is entering. You've had a lifetime to understand this side of you. Your wife only days to understand this.
There will be plenty of emotions displayed.

[Rachel86]

Good luck wit your wife Ceri. I know that it must be extremely difficult and I can only imagine what you are going through.

On the plus side your kids accepting you is great news...

[Rogina B]

As long as the kids are ok with it,she isn't going to leave you. Expect a thousand more questions from all of them,as they are only starting to process. Please be completely honest in explaining where you sit on the T spectrum and how you got there. If you are "in the doghouse"..it matters little if you are by the door,or deep inside! Let them know how much acceptance will help ease the feelings you have had by being in the closet to them..

[mykell]

im still in the closet but having a surgical procedure should have been done after you tell, MHO,
with that said my father passed this year and for gifts i had been putting his photo in ornament frames,
having our huge tote of photos out and looking at pictures of us from 30 years ago was very touching,
remembering all that time i thought i had this beat, over and over, but its part of who i am.
would love to incorporate some of that photo love into my coming out talk,
maybe if you have you can pull some out and share them with her, cant hurt,
hoping you guys can get past the bumpy road, best wishes....

[MissTee]

Good luck with your wife and the conversation. I'm sure she'll have lots of questions, and it sounds like you are as well prepared to answer as one can be.

[Ceri Anne]

Thanks again for the words of encouragement and help. Mikell, the surgical procedure was unrelated to being Trans. Tiffany, I suspect that our wife's talking would be beneficial down the road, I had already thought of that. Heels, as far as things to do differently. Other than coming out before I got caught, no. And that is always a tricky situation. It's unrealistic to one day accept yourself crossdressing and tell the wife "hey, guess what?" So we each have to weigh what we know about our wife and the situations around the house to find the best time and way to do so. I had gotten to the point where I knew I needed to come out, and put mid January as the timeline to avoid interfering with the holidays and other events. unfortunately, I got careless. I had been broaching related subjects testing the waters every now and again. I am doing my best to be totally honest, open and still holding my own. We chatted a bit more about it last night, she did come home, but we stayed in separate rooms. Her current thoughts are she will support me as long as I'm willing to "fix" this problem. She is open to speaking with a gender councilor so I have a glimmer of hope. I do love her and don't want to loose her.

[PaulaQ]

Her current thoughts are she will support me as long as I'm willing to "fix" this problem. She is open to speaking with a gender councilor so I have a glimmer of hope. I do love her and don't want to loose her.

"Fix this problem" has an ominous sound to it. If she means the CDing, there isn't any fix for that. :(

[giuseppina]

Your wife may not like what she hears from the gender counsellor. She has to be part of the solution as well if your marriage is to survive.

I`m inclined to let the gender counsellor tell her there is no cure for crossdressing.

[MissTee]

As an optimist, I would like to think that after the shock wears off she will be able to rationally process your dressing. Some form of acceptance may follow. Counseling for you both as you work through this would be a good idea.

[Rogina B]

I`m inclined to let the gender counsellor tell her there is no cure for crossdressing.
Before you get there,I suggest that you figure out how important and where you stand in the T spectrum,and whether you have thoughts of your lifestyle changing to give you more satisfaction. Then,when you sit down as a unit with the gender counsellor, you can fully express your mindset. I recently was with a girl in transition that has gone through hell at home with family,and the wife is still "trying to pray it away"....So,I suggest you get it right so that the "professional" will correctly understand your mindset and base the discussion with your wife accordingly.

[Ceri Anne]

Well, the news gets better. She called my middle brother, the ultra conservative Christian one (I am Christian myself) He is here for the holidays this weekend. I'm working most of the weekend, but he wants to talk to me about this. I don't mind, its just a whole lot of coming out at once.


As far has "fix this problem" is concerned, yes, that's ominous. I'm hoping that with education and talking, she will realize that I'm still the person she has always loved and the characteristics that made me stand out from the other guys are also the characteristics that pertain to my feminity.


As for myself, counceling to determine exactly where I want to go and how ingrained this is in me will be good. I know its part of me, I enjoy expressing both sides of my personality. I don't see SRS in my future, but maybe HRT. Sexually, I already have low T and for reasons of boosting my energy have tried gel T and T shots. Neither really did that much for me and the T shots did nasty things to my eye pressure for glaucoma, so they are out, but I gave it a fair shot. I know with my job, dealing with my customer base, going full time at work would not be good.

[Rogina B]

Well,you have told us,so now tell your brother the same!!!