She knows...

[MsJordan]

The only secret I've ever kept from my spouse is now out in the open. She found out through a series of text messages from a cd friend of mine and thought I was having an affair. At that moment, the hardest conversation I've ever had took place. I began to come forward and tell her about my dressing and how it all began. She was relieved that it wasn't another woman. She forgives me but she said we're gonna have to work on rebuilding trust because I've know all this time and didn't share these intimate details with her. I'm still trying to figure out some things but I assured her that I don't want to be a woman, I don't want to be with another woman, and that I simply enjoy wearing women's clothes. We had another talk last night and although it's hard for her to wrap her brain around why her husband wants to wear women's clothes, at least she is listening to me and wants to truly work through this. I feel like a ton has been removed from my shoulders, mind, and heart. The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help? That's one of the things I'm considering. Any help from those who have been in similar situations would be great.

[MsRenee]

It helps to get everything out in the open.
We saw one for a few sessions and it helped her with the thoughts of me not being gay as most dressers are straight and still the person that she fell in live with.
Wishing you luck on this journey and ifs nice to know that you both are communicating.
Hugs to both.
Renee

[PaulaQ]

The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help?
Yes. An individual therapist can help you understand your gender identity better, and gain acceptance of this part of yourself.
A couple's therapist can help you and your wife recover from the shock of discovery, and help her understand this part of you, and to deal with questions this raises about her own identity. (Believe me, there will be some.)

In either case, though, you want a therapist who understands gender issues. Most therapists don't, so ask first.

[CarlaWestin]

The work has just started. Don't think for a second that everything will be OK from this point on. Please keep in mind that although you've had a life time to accept this side of yourself, she's just found out. And, frankly, this completely changes the way she see's you, forever. My personal situation is DADT for about two years now. Full acceptance just ain't happenin' no matter what I think. And, seriously, avoid the pink fog thing.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Take it slow. Tell the truth. Be considerate of her feelings, but also begin to state what you want. Did you want her to know just to be open, or do you want her to participate. Explain to her why it was important to you to tell her. Control the CD and your marriage can work. Good luck!

[Maria 60]

When I told my wife I asked her if it would be a good idea if maybe we should get some professional help to maybe get some understanding. She is not a strong believer of therapist or depression and I found talking to each other was the biggest help. Telling her my past and my true feelings of why I wanted to dress and the true power of it, and not in so many words but if she didn't except it we were better off getting separated because it is part of me and it wasn't going to just leave. After telling her everything from the first time wearing my sisters and moms cloths up to that same morning that I put on her pantyhose and that I had no intention of becoming a women and that keeping it in the closet for me would be fine, and that she was the only person I ever told and I hoped it would remain that way. She told me sounds like I wasn't harming anyone and that I should have told her sooner and that there was nothing wrong with me and not to look into it or try to figure it out and just enjoy it. She then told me she didn't want me to wear her things because I am a little bigger then her and I would stretch her stuff and then asked me if I wanted to go cloth shopping with her to buy some cloth for her new girlfriend. That day I realized where I stood, that I wasn't mental or always believing that something was wrong with me and the guilt, for the first time in my life I felt good, and our relationship grew stronger from there she loves that her husband comes cloth shopping with her, its almost like having the best of both worlds. Twenty seven years later and not all easy times, she still tells me to enjoy the gift that I was blessed with and that we have a close relationship because of the dressing, so to me the best therapy was my wife and just being honest and communicating with her and maybe you should consider the same thing and if that doesn't work maybe then look into a therapist. Good luck with it and I hope it will find a way to work itself out and keep us updated so we can see how it's going for you.

[kimdl93]

You'll get all kinds of answers to your question. Mine is that you get from therapy in proportion to what you put into it. It's not just an hour of talk. Hopefully you will be given some exercises and readings,to help you sort through your thoughts and practice effective ways to guide your decision making. I found therapy to be a genuinely life changing experince.

[Stephanie47]

I found the biggest issue of cross dressing is acceptance of self. When my wife and I realized my interest in wearing women's clothing was more than fetish sex play in the bedroom everything changed. I struggled with the issue. Why was I like this? I thought something must have compelled me to cross dress. Well, I am not about to scale the highest mountain in Tibet looking for a guru to fill in that void. I do not know why I like to wear women's clothing on occasion. I stopped trying to find the answer when I realized there is nothing really wrong with me. And, there is not really wrong with my wife for not appreciating that side of me. She realizes it has nothing to do with her femininity. It has nothing to do with transitioning to a woman. Her man just likes to wear a dress.

Now, the issues that arise is trying to somehow encourage, force or otherwise get the wife to participate. I realized a long time ago my trying to get my wife to buy panties for me was a self validation/acceptance for myself, not her.

The bottom line on therapy is whether or not something needs to be corrected. Is there something wrong? Is there a hurdle either one of you needs to get over? If you can work it out between yourselves, then I would not recommend therapy. If your wife realizes you are really the same person with a previously undisclosed quirk. she should get over your revelation. Just do not expect her to accept or participate. And, do establish boundaries. And, do not unilaterally change boundaries. Negotiate. That's what marriage is about anyway.

If your wife does not understand your cross dressing behavior and needs professional reassurance that there is nothing "wrong" with you, then therapy may be in order.

Frankly, I really hate that word of "trust" needing to be reestablished. When a woman says she wishes the man had come clean prior to marriage, to me that means she wishes she had a little bit more information so she could decide whether or not to drop you like a hot potato. Heck, in my marriage my wife complains that I did not tell her I enjoy watching baseball. Cross dressing is no longer an issue, baseball is the issue of "trust." Go figure!

[Sandra]

Take things slow with her, answer all her questions honestly don't give her answers that you think she wants to hear, if you can't give an honest answer then tell her so.


I feel like a ton has been removed from my shoulders, mind, and heart.

I can understand this, but one thing that you have to be careful is not to put all of this onto her. A lot of GGs that are told or find out end up feeling like the weight is on their shoulders, like it has transferred from the hubby to the wife. You could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB.

[Di]

Like Sandra has said BE HONESt. There are some stickys in the loved ones section that might help you understand how she is feeling. And by all means let her know about FAB.....where she can talk freely to other wives. Best Wishes.

[Beverley Sims]

Jordan,
take heed o all the advice you have received here, sandra has given good advice, read her post carefully ,Kim has given good advice on the therapist issue, I only add that a therapist can act as a good mediator, it is not a five minute fix.

[Requal Jo]

I concur with all of the above Jordan. Take it slow. My wife remains sceptical and apprehensive about my CDing, however through discussions and minor changes slowly over time she is becoming more accepting.

[Valarie]

Open communication is the best, and it seems that you wife is open to hear what you have to say. I do go to therapy, but we do not go as a couple. For some I think it would be necessary, that is something that you two have to discuss. I know how you feel about feeling like a ton has been removed from your shoulders, it feels great, now is the time to communicate and build that trust up again.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Hi Jordon! I began seeing a counselor for depression and much of the root of my problem was accepting myself as a crossdresser. I told my wife about Tiffany after about 10 months of counseling and she told me, like your own wife, she thought I was having an affair. I have come a long way in the self acceptance department and my wife has been there to support my male and female selves all along the way. She told me it is better to be told of crossdressing than to find out by accident and wishes I had come clean years ago. While there are trust issues to rebuild, you will find that, with this weight off your shoulders, communication will improve dramatically and you can give yourself to your wife 100 percent instead of hiding a big part of yourself from her. I've found communication is the key to a happy marriage whether you wear a dress or a suit. I wish you the best. Hugs, Tiffany :)

[AnntoAnn]

My wife and I have never had professional help and probably never will. We seemed to have worked everything out between us. She has excepted my cross-dressing and is supportive, however we have set boundaries. I don't push my luck and when she says she does not want Ann today, then Ann does not appear. I think I'm good at spotting when she has had enough or not in the mood, even when I am desperate to dress. Take the other week when we went to the pictures, when I came down stairs in guy mode she said she thought Ann was coming! I did not have time to change but said next time Ann must come.

[UNDERDRESSER]

The work has just started. Don't think for a second that everything will be OK from this point on. Please keep in mind that although you've had a life time to accept this side of yourself, she's just found out. And, frankly, this completely changes the way she see's you, forever. My personal situation is DADT for about two years now. Full acceptance just ain't happenin' no matter what I think. And, seriously, avoid the pink fog thing.Definitely agree that this is just the beginning, does sound like your wife has got her head pretty straight about it though. It also sounds like you, don't have all this worked out in your own head yet either. You will both need to work on that. Depending on the level of trust, communication, and your joint understanding of the issues, a therapist might help. But only if as one of the others said, they know about, and understand gender issues, and don't have any religious or other hang-ups. If they do have such hang-ups, they can be a disaster.

[sara70morgan]

I was in a relationship for about 13 years. She also was about 12 years older than me. After some close calls, including her finding some of her lingerie at my house about 11 years earlier and me telling her that she must have left it there, she then caught me dressing about 10 years later. Well, since she had a little boy and we shared the same house, it took about 6 months of some tense times before she got out of the relationship and she did it pretty fast at the end. I am not sure when you should come clean, or whether it is better to be found out at a later time. It seems the best chances are to find someone that knows about it from the beginning who then has a choice to stay or go, before they feel stuck in the situation. Either way, it is very hard for the person who did not know, and the person who is dying to let her know. Just my take anyway.
Sara

[Luciana Vitale]

hello friend, wish you the best

[PaulaQ]

Some other stuff to think about, and be aware of MsJordan:
Your secret is now hers - she has to decide whether or not she wants to keep such a secret. Perhaps she will feel shame or guilt over this.

Your gender identity will make her question her own. If you are presenting as "female" sometimes, what's her role in the marriage. It's no longer a pleasantly binary "man" / "woman" situation. (Nevermind that it probably never was to begin with, in most people's minds, that's how they view it.) Indeed, it's a whole lot messier situation.

Your gender identity will likely make her question her sexual orientation. If she's repulsed by you en femme, well, she'll feel awful about that in all probability. If she's attracted to you en femme at all, what does that say about her sexuality? Is she a lesbian? These are all things that will likely run through her mind.

She may well have a hard time understanding your sexual orientation - there are no gender variant straight people - just ask anybody. Only gays and lesbians are gender variant right? (Well, we all here know that is totally false, but most straight people have no framework to consider these matters.)

She may well worry, despite your reassurances, that you'll transition. I think even the most understanding and accepting GG's fear this from time to time.

[Rachael Leigh]

From my recent experience with being honest with my spouse it's not always roses. Mine has known about my dressing for a long time and I told her recently that I've finally decided I accept this as a part of me.
She's never been accepting of my dressing and I'm sure hoped I would just stop, so this didn't go over well.
I told her as much as I've lied to her about buying more clothes I just wanted to be honest with her about how I felt.
So anyway this being open is never easy and I'm just not sure where we go from here.
Jordon I wish you the best and my advice is expect some very rough going this part of ourselves is just not easy for anyone.
I really don't understand those women who accept this in their husbands they really are special and are rare.

[MissTee]

Our CD universe is filled with a myriad of possible partner responses ranging from full out disgust to full on acceptance. No one can say for certain where you will land. I am among the very lucky in that my wife accepts, supports, and enjoys the benefits of a spouse who can be both masculine and feminine. As for counseling, I've never heard of a legitimate counselor who can "fix" the CD wiring we come with. If you need help accepting yourself it may help. Good luck with it all and keep us posted.

[Sarah Beth]

What Kim said in her response above it exactly right. You get out of therapy what you put into it.

Your story sounds very similart to mine when my wife found out. I wish at that time we had gone to see someone because it took a long time for her to convinced that I didn't want to be a woman or be with someone else. It also took her a long time to wrap her head around the fact that I wasn't doing it as a sexual thrill. Not saying that wasn't at times a part of it but it wasn't the main thing.

As so many have said take it slow and keep communicating.

[MsJordan]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice. I'm still on the fence about talking to a counselor/therapist and have done my research the last 3 days. Luckily I've found 3 that are well versed in these issues, so I will keep you all posted about that. One of the questions I do have is now that she knows, I now feel like talking about it more often but don't feel like that's the right approach to continue to inundate her with information as it relates to my dressing. Am I doing the right thing? I don't want it to be something that gets swept under the rug. I did tell her that i want things out in the open because I want to regain her trust. She doesn't understand why I would want to dress at home and not go out. As many of your replied to my previous post, there were still a lot of "I don't know" answers on my behalf. I have assured her that I am a man who enjoys wearing women's clothes and how it makes me feel. She doesn't understand how the urges come and go like they do. I'm doing a lot of reading online but I do feel like a counselor may help me understand a little more about me so I can help her understand also.

[Di]

Alot of new GGs tell us that once they know the hubby talks non stop about it. There is an on going thread in loved ones right now from a new GG about just this.
I would ask her what
she is comfortable with.
Also....alot of GGs what to know why....some things there just are not answers for.

[Launa]

She doesn't understand why I would want to dress at home and not go out.

Be careful making statements like this because you might change your mind and decide that it would be nice to go out of the house one day. It can and does happen to many of us.

Everything else you can be sure of though such as not wanting to transition etc...

[Wildaboutheels]

I have to run and don't have time to check on the other responses till later so maybe someone already mentioned it?

I imagine your wife is of a similar age as yourself? Before you cough up good money for a therapist, try this. Google Dear Abby or Ann Landers and do some type of search for men CDing. More likely something like "men wearing women's clothes". I believe they were sisters and "reliable" sources of info for 10 or 20 years, maybe longer when newspapers were still king. Your wife's concern was a VERY common one that ladies wrote in about and this was longggggg before easy ordering off the internet. Along with the anonymity factor.

Even back then, CDing was obviously a very common thing. Today with the internet and all that it allows, it's very easy to see [for anyone with an open mind] that CDing MtFs is likely several times higher than the incidence of gay people.

CDing IS a part time deal for the vast majority of MtF CDers. In fact, a "hobby" for most.

[Jenniferathome]

... One of the questions I do have is now that she knows, I now feel like talking about it more often but don't feel like that's the right approach to continue to inundate her with information as it relates to my dressing. Am I doing the right thing? ...

She may "know" about your cross dressing but she certainly does not understand it. You need to answer any question she has honestly and also ask her if she has questions. The latter is important because she may not be able to articulate the question. You will not have every answer, like "Why?" but you have to try to answer. She needs to know she can ask anything, anytime.

When I came out to my wife, she did some research, asked some basic questions and then over a few months, she poked at the issue. In the end, the only question she really had was "Why?" but fully understood that I do not know and nor does science.

[mary something]

She forgives me but she said we're gonna have to work on rebuilding trust because I've know all this time and didn't share these intimate details with her.
That is only normal so don't let it scare you. See this as an opportunity to create an even better relationship for both of you if you can. Everyone is paying close attention to each other right now, and she is ready to learn more about you but she needs to know that you love her and that she can trust it.


We had another talk last night and although it's hard for her to wrap her brain around why her husband wants to wear women's clothes, at least she is listening to me and wants to truly work through this.
That is great MsJordan! Many times women have a hard time understanding this because their perspective on it is so different. Keep reassuring her that you love her and that you are attracted to her so that this is a positive experience for her in some ways, that is something you can do to help her. This is something that can bring you guys closer possibly, a lot of how it goes will probably have to do with the emotions she is feeling while going through this.

I think going to a therapist is a good idea! If your wife is supportive of you doing this you should thank her for the support. She is seeing you with a slightly different perspective now, so encourage her when you feel she is trying.

You don't have to explain why you like things sometimes, and sometimes thinking about stuff too much just cloudy's up the water even more. Most importantly like another poster mentioned see this as a beginning not as a door closing. How you handle yourself in the next 3-6 months will have a big influence on how this goes. Be positive and loving towards her and she will feel loved.

At some point she might want to know why you held this from her, for now it sounds like she is asking questions based out of fear, like are you gay or do you want to live as a woman. That's ok, don't let her fear spread to you though and emotions are contagious so you'll have to keep your guard up about it. It might help to start thinking about this now, so that when you are ready to discuss this in the future you can speak from the heart.

Sorry for the length of this post but you are at an opportunity that doesn't present itself that often, make the most of it sweety! :hugs:

[Being Paige]

I went to a therapist for a while after my wife found out just to make some pease, it was all about trying to find the root of it and how to fix me blah,blah. I remember saying that I wasn't into it and that there was nothing to fix so I never went back. I don't beleive that the therapist was there too help me be who I am!

[rocketscientist]

First of all, I will say that I have no experience to draw from in this matter. I have, however, studied the issue here and elsewhere for awhile now. Here's my $.02. As far as therapists go, make sure you find one qualified and experienced with gender related issues. Avoid "faith based" couseling at ALL costs. Any so called therapist that would try to "fix" you will be of no use. You are not broken! You don't need to be fixed. As to the issues of why you cd, ask your wife "Are you right handed or left handed?". When she replies either way, ask her why. Tell her it's like that. As has been said already, sometimes there are no answers. The best I have come up with is that it is something we are hardwired with and is not going away. When she asks why you didn't share this with her earlier, tell her that it's hard to explain something to someone else that you can't explain to yourself. I stopped trying to do that awhile back, now I try to enjoy the best parts of my femme self every chance I get. Do take it slow Jordan. Don't overload her with information all at once. Like anything, it takes time to process what is taken in. You must be honest with her and yourself along the way. Only you can determine where you are on the great gender spectrum. Maybe you haven't discovered for yourself how far you really want or need to go? Maybe you are a true cd and only feel the need to dress occasionally? My best advice is to always keep the lines of communication open and remind her you are still the same PERSON she cares for. Personally, I see others' lack of understanding as their problem,caused by societal and media conditioning. We as TG people must work to show the ignorant public that we are and can be valued members of society. Ok, enough of my little rant. I'll get off the soapbox now. I hope you find some useful ideas or help in my words Jordan. Hugs, Tonya

[Diversity]

The best thing you did was tell your wife. I had a similar experience in that I, too, kept this a secret until very late in our marriage. We have not sought out therapy, as we are both keeping open and honest with one another. Over the past year, things have improved for me, as there is no issues in me wearing panties 24/7 or sleeping in a nightgown (as long as it is not overly feminine). She knows I like to wear women's clothing but does not want to see it. I hope in tiime this will change, but at least she knows my feelings are real and present, and she is not telling me to stop this. In fact my wife tells me to do what I need to do, but not in front of her. She loves me and tells me that things could be a lot worse, as I could be cheating on her, or leaving her, or be a husband who is out at bars all the time, or an abusive husband, or even one who is considering something as drastic as suicide. She is happy to have me and can deal with my crossdressing, as long as I can live with her feelings about it. Thus we have come to an agreeable compromise, and our relationship is still as strong as it ever was.
Di

[ReineD]

The question I have is how many of you have ever met with a therapist and does it help?

You could certainly see a therapist, but before this you might want to read the same textbooks they do when learning about gender variance. This might help to focus your questions to your therapist.

Here's a Google Preview of a textbook published in 2013: Counseling LGBT Clients, by Kevin Alderson. Chapter 7 is on the crossdressing and Chapter 8 is on transsexualism. Luckily, the publishers (Sage Publishing) have released the entire chapter 7 in pdf format, so you can read pretty much everything that counselors learn about the CDing. Don't be put off by the chapter title "Fetishistic Crossdressing, Children and Adults". The author points out that it normally starts out that way but often morphs into dressing for comfort later on in a crossdresser's life.

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf


Edit
About what your wife may be feeling: Just as you don't have language to explain to her why you do this, at first she will not have the language to explain to herself exactly how she feels. Superficial thoughts might come to the foreground, like "My own femininity feels threatened", or "Am I a lesbian", but these are usually initial thoughts borne out of a complete lack of understanding of the situation. Once your wife gets used to the idea that you crossdress, she will see that her sense of femininity is not at all diminished just because you present as a woman occasionally. Likewise, she will understand that she is not attracted to genetic females and so she is not a lesbian. :p

If you, on the other hand, decide that YOU want to share your wife's role as the woman in your relationship (for example the bulk of the pretty things purchased are for you and not her), then your wife may go through a period of grieving the loss of her role as the woman in your eyes. This can be difficult to overcome and like Sandra and Di, I recommend that she join this forum in order to talk to other GGs who have gone through the same thing.

[WandaRae2009]

I know exactly how you feel. It was a secret I kept from her for over 25 years, and it came out on suspicion of an affair. Meeting with a therapist saved our marriage. Without it I don't think we would be together today. The therapist help us talk it out and asked a lot of questions, my wife had but didn't know how to ask. Make sure you go to one that is familiar with transgender issues. The one I went to I found through a local support group. We are still together 4 years later. This is tough for her to get her head around. An impartial third party can help in the dialog and keep some of the anger in in check.

Good luck to you and your spouse.

[reb.femme]

..........I can understand this, but one thing that you have to be careful is not to put all of this onto her. A lot of GGs that are told or find out end up feeling like the weight is on their shoulders, like it has transferred from the hubby to the wife. You could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB.


I concur with Sandra on the transfer of weight reference. I could see that my wife was struggling with my big reveal, so I suggested that she tell her sister, with whom she is very close. It gave her a trusted outlet for discussion. I'm not saying you should do the same, I just offer this in support of Sandra's advice.

The fact that you say she forgives you is a massive step, but be aware that she will go through many personal struggles with this, so just bear with it. If this big reveal was in reverse for me, I have to be honest, I wouldn't be over the moon either. I sincerely hope this works out for you and your wife.


Rebecca

[MsJordan]

Brief update - Things are going better than expected. We talk about it daily and I a being honest with her and answering her questions. This has brought us closer and as she learns more and reads more, she is better understand the "whys" We are working on some boundaries also to ensure we are both happy. She wants to make this work and I couldn't be happier.

[LauraOTN]

Hey MsJ,
Thanks for the update, I'm really really hoping it works out well. Please let us know how it goes. It's probably good to talk here, but the truth is, I'm really curious and have my fingers crossed for you!

[kathrynt21]

I see a therapist on a regular basis and it is possibly the best thing I have done. Someone who listens objectively and without judgment is a very good resource. Alone r as a couple. I will reiterate what has been said here. Be honest. And make no promises. Cd'ing and TGism is a very fluid process.
Just be as honest as you can and hope the acceptance and understanding follows.
That' what I am trying to do.
I wish you all the best!

[Adelaide]

Ahhhh....the famous "trust" word..... My SO never accepted my CDing and unfortunately never will. She recommended we see a woman therapist. I reluctantly said yes at the beginning. I came all beautifully dressed up for the 4th or 5th session and the therapist said that I looked beautiful tonight. I felt great! But that was the end of the therapy. Acceptance and understanding for who I really am never followed. Today, I can only dress up when on business trips...without her knowing...

[AmandaJ]

I kept my CDing a secret for about 25 years until I finally told my girlfriend at the time when our relationship was collapsing. Coming out and being honest brought a new level of intimacy and trust to the relationship and it actually helped patch things up at the time. During that time, I was very depressed, selfish and immature. She urged me to see a therapist and I finally did. It was worthwhile in my opinion. It offered me a place to vent, to confess, an ear to listen, and sign posts to finding my way out of the darkness. Though, I didn't really ever discuss my CDing that much with my therapist, I did TELL her about it...which was a huge step since she was only the 2nd person I had ever told. Coming out has been like pushing a snowball down a hill. Small and slow at first, but the more people you tell, the easier it gets. Next thing you know you're a giant ball of snow crushing the villagers in the valley below! Unstoppable!

[lingerieLiz]

A therapist may help, but if you don't find it helpful don't be afraid to change. We went to a therapist, who almost caused us to divorce. She had hang-ups about men. She never knew about my CDing. Later we learned two couples who we were friends with had the same experience with her.

[Saikotsu]

I have no advice to offer that hasn't already been given by the others. I will instead wish you the best and hope things continue to improve between the two of you.

[Chickhe]

There is not a trust issue... it is a self acceptance issue. Your wife doesn't tell you everything either. If she is like mine, she locks herself in the bathroom for hours doing grooming and she's not about to tell you what she was doing in there...

[bomba]

maria your story is beautiful.....you are truly blessed with a awesome wife

[Jackie7]

Just a quick comment about therapists. Real ones work for you. You can contract with the therapist to help you with your issues, however you define them. I have contracted with therapists to help me learn how to manage my crossdressing in an unhappy marriage, how to improve the marriage, and also to help work through our divorce. Good ones stay with your agenda, they don't impose their own.

Anyway, whatever you do good luck on your journey.

[Teresa]

The therapist I saw didn't make a big thing of it, he told me it wasn't a mental illness but he could see living with it was making me mentally ill. He continued by saying if it wasn't a secret it wouldn't be a problem. In order to help me he needed my wife to attend, she refused. I found the way forward was to work out how and why it started if you understand that you can then explain it to your wife. Best of luck!

Maria what would I give to tell it like that ! That level of understanding is pretty rare !