My son is starting to notice things.

[Valarie]

So we have a very smart son that is 4 years old. He has noticed my nail polish recently, he says that my toes look, "handsome." I am worried, he spends a lot of time with my parents when my wife and I are in classes and work and he talks a lot to my mom about everything. I guess I am worried because my mom was the one that scared me about my dressing when I was a kid she threw away the clothes I had hidden and would give me dirty looks but never say anything, she would tell us all the time when we would complain or get hurt that she wasn't raising little girls. Recently I straightened my hair before seeing family for Christmas and that turned into me getting a lecture on growing up.

So I guess what I am trying to figure out from some of you that have children is what experiences have you had with your transition/CD and your children, have they been accepting or angry?

[Marcelle]

Hi Valerie,

At four years old I doubt your son is really able to understand what CDing is. However, they (children) are innocent and quite the sponges for information (as you are finding out) and may inadvertently let something slip you may not want to (i.e., nail polish being handsome could innocently come out as "daddy has red toes" to your mom). My advice is keep your CDing guarded from your son until he is old enough to understand less he accidently out you (innocently of course).

BTW . . . "your toes look handsome" how cute is that :)

Hugs

Isha

[giuseppina]

Unless someone has been feeding your son prejudice and intolerance, chances are good he will accept you as you are. These behaviours are entirely learned, most often from their parents and peers.

The biggest problem is abuse if not merciless teasing from his peers and their parents. Too many see a M2F CD as a threat. I'm sure most of us here know what the negative stereotypes are.

It's up to you, of course, but it seems to me the parent's job is to teach their children coping strategies for this and other situations where things do not fit the norm.

If your son decides he wants his toes painted, it's probably not a good idea to share that with your mother, regardless of how she is informed. From what you post, chances are good she will get excited if that happens.

For the record, I don't have children, but I have taken a few psych courses as part of my engineering degree. One of them concerned the psychology of prejudice, including its origins and how to mitigate if not prevent it.

[MarciManseau]

I'm sure your mother will poison his outlook if she always belittles you about your appearance. It may be time to find someone else to look after him to avoid her turning him into someone who thinks like she does. I'm sure that would be a difficult and costly decision, but one that may be worth the cost. Is your wife aware that you CD? And if so, does she accept it?

Good Luck, Valarie.

[Valarie]

Yes Marci my wife knows, and is very accepting she is the one that did my toes. Next year he will be in school, he would be in now if he wasn't born after the cut off date for Texas schools it was the best solution for her to watch him, but in the last year little things have been coming up, like religious views so school will be good for him and us. I have noticed that he has been saying little things that he picks up from my mom and brother.

[giuseppina]

Just don`t let them indoctrinate him about how dreadful CDers are. ;)

[Beverley Sims]

I kept it away from my children after abut three.
Even then they begin to notice.

[DeeInGeorgia]

Around third grade, my wife and I went in to read a book to the class. My some said out loud "My dad paints his fingernails."

[mikiSJ]

I would not let your mother control your life. You are no longer a child and although your mother is looking after your child, you are the one still in control of his upbringing. If your mother start to interfere in his life and your life - keep her out of your life.

[sweetshauna]

I have noticed that he has been saying little things that he picks up from my mom and brother. scary! I'm Thinkin maybe the extreme conservative views of your mom are already sinking in. The sooner in school the better.
I've lived on Texas, and Oklahoma. The majority of the people have a 1950s mindset (usually in the rural locals) . Careful or you sons mind will be polluted with it too.

[Sarah Beth]

I would be careful if I was as worried as you are about you mom's reaction because she could say something to your son about it that could become an issue. Of is she was that upset over our hair and your a grownup she could go of on you about that.

My kids, as far as I know, don't know about my cd. One time though when my daughter was in junior high I had been out working for most of the previous night and was napping on the couch. When I woke up she had painted my toenails red and told me she thought I looked cut like that.

[Valarie]

Around third grade, my wife and I went in to read a book to the class. My some said out loud "My dad paints his fingernails."

Yes he is very observant and has a good memory, I have a lot to think about and will probably tone it down a little more. I'm just worried that someone would treat him badly because of me.

[stephNE]

This worried me a lot when my children were young. I was afraid they would go to school and mention something like "My dad wears nail polish", etc, and they would be ridiculed. So we have kept this very secret.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Valarie, There's no telling what 4 year old might say

[CD Tammy]

I've managed to keep it from daughter for 11 years. One time she found a dress, inadvertently left out and she told me that Sheri (my friend with benefits) must have spent the night. I let her keep on thinking that.

[Jessica giovanna]

I have a 22 yo and a 13 yo and they both (after some talks) were a little apprehensive at first, but dad is still dad...either johnathan or Jessica....my oldest has a family in town and I do not go around the family of my d.d.i.l. En femme. And I am most fine with that. Her parents are very kind, just a different generation....although, the Christmas party was fun with my new nails,lol!
As far as the 13yo, he has been wonderful! He is like the o.p.s child and very smart! He knew before I said anything...we go out together a lot, and he is such a gentleman. Opens doors, pulls out my seats, says yes ma'am whilst speaking in public. Just a little charmer.
Although my experience might not be the same for all, I believe that open communication is key( if that is what you want...if not, then do your best to be low key, as soon kids in school can be very cruel). Best of luck with mom....I have that issue with my mother....luckily she is many many miles away....
Ms. G

[NicoleScott]

I guess I am worried because my mom was the one that scared me about my dressing when I was a kid she threw away the clothes I had hidden and would give me dirty looks but never say anything, she would tell us all the time when we would complain or get hurt that she wasn't raising little girls.

Your mom had her chance to engage in serious conversation about your CDing, and she passed on it, instead choosing to just send signals of disapproval. Since your mom already knows, anything your child says won't be much of a surprise.
Your question mentions "transition/CD" as if they are the same, close to being the same, or in the same category. They aren't, but a 4-year-old might not understand that.
Your mom's attitudes are unlikely to change, but your child's attitudes are just developing. I'd think that the earlier the education about this begins, the better. I saw a Dr. Phil show where a dad dropped the transition bombshell on his two teeage girls. Their response was anger, but he did it in a totally selfish way.

[Rogina B]

Your mother should be your focus.Seems right to me to have an "adult" Son/Mother talk asap. If she is going to be watching your son,you had best be on the same page...And if this isn't possible,then someone is going to have to make some adjustments in order to keep her from trying to poison the kid's acceptance as he grows.

[Tina B.]

Beware, daycare has an important impact on kids, what they hear as opinion they take as fact. Bigotry is taught one hateful comment at a time. Do not let the convenience of a babysitter cause you years of grief because your mother taught your kid your a weirdo.
How many hours when he is awake, do you have him and how many hours does mom have him, who do you think will have the biggest influence?

[Stephanie47]

Two issues here. Your son is like any kid. He will notice everything and think nothing about blurting out information at the most inopportune times. If you want to maintain your privacy, then you may not want to display any vestiges of cross dressing.

The other issue is your mother. If she spends a lot of time with your son watch out for negative comments about cross dressing. The comments may not be directed toward you, but, intolerance for others does come from adults.

[Valarie]

Thank you all, you have really given me and my wife much to think about. As far as my mom, I think that she has no idea about me now. I moved out when I was 19 and when she threw away those clothes I was in middle school and never dressed again until 2 years ago. I have a feeling that she probably just thinks it was a phase and now that I am married it is out of my system. My dad would probably be the more accepting one, even my wife says if I came out my mom would go light a million candles to the Virgin de Guadalupe to make me normal.