Well, if it makes you happy...

[Angela Campbell]

Since I began coming out I have heard this so many times. It is like they do not see this as a necessary treatment but something like going to a show or something. I get that they cannot understand something like transition, but do they really think I am doing this because it will make me happy?

"I'm going to buy a new car" or "I'm going back to college" or "I'm getting a divorce"

"well if it makes you happy"

Only one person in my family said something different. One Aunt said she was so sorry I had to go through something like this. All the rest gave me the

"well if it makes you happy"

To me it is their way of saying "I don't understand and I don't know what to say but I love you"

Ok so I started thinking. Is this really going to make me happy? I have to agree that my life is better now than before I started this thing, but happy?

So anyone who is transitioning or has transitioned....Did/does this make you happy?
Do you get this response too? And how do you feel when you get it?

(replies from TS who are or have transitioned please)

[Kimberly Kael]

So anyone who is transitioning or has transitioned....Did/does this make you happy?

I don't have a nice, neat answer for that. In general I'd say it has been a very positive experience and I would almost certainly be miserable if I felt I didn't assert my identity given half an opportunity. Are there drawbacks? Certainly. Knowing how worried my wife was and how hard it has been for her to adjust to our new lives together has been heartbreaking, though she's doing very well these days. Knowing my father has zero interest in trying to understand isn't exactly fun.

... but I feel like I'm being true to myself, honest with everyone around me, and I've gained far more than I've lost. Knowing that by being out I've helped contribute to a greater understanding and empathy for transgender individuals feels wonderful. It's like standing up for your rights in any other context. You may take some lumps in the short run, but the respect you earn from yourself and others makes it all worthwhile.

[stefan37]

Yes overall I am happier. I have suffered some heart wrenching losses and it is very sad. Not sure if our when I will ever get over it. But I am happier. I feel my life has purpose. I enjoy being me. No suppression, no denying, no hiding. Just living my daily life as me. The energy I expended waging internal war can now be channeled into positive energy. I attribute the recent success of my business directly to my transition. So yes I am a happier person in spite of my sadness.

[JAS]

Only you can answer that question. For me the question was very different. The question that I had to answer was, "What must I do to be able to stay alive". Transition has nothing to do with happiness, that is up to you to figure out. Transition has to do with your continued survival.

Now if you were to ask me, "Am I happier now than I was then? (before I made such a radical change to my body),then I would answer Yes, absolutely. I am very happy to be alive. :-))

[mary something]

I began transitioning when I realized I couldn't be happy if I didn't. I began rearranging my life to make transition possible when I realized I couldn't be happy if I didn't. I know that sounds neat and tidy but realizing that was very important to my self acceptance. It was my self acceptance that allowed me to find a partner that is very supportive. My life has gotten much better since I decided to at least strive for self-fulfillment and happiness. When we allow ourselves to think that way then we naturally begin applying that to our loved ones, and they take notice of it. I'm much less dependent upon someone else's approval to be me, sometimes that is good and other times maybe not but I don't know of any other way to lose the wait.

[Angela Campbell]

I never really thought much about being happy when I began this. I kind of felt like it was going to happen and I may as well try to control it, but happy was not much of a factor. I guess I am dissapointed that others think I am doing this just to be happy.

[mary something]

I guess I am dissapointed that others think I am doing this just to be happy.

I used to feel this way a lot, but maybe not for the same reasons. Do you mind talking about how it makes you feel? Like it's frivolous almost?

[Angela Campbell]

Frivolous? Yes. Like they think it is just a phase, and I will forget about it after a while.

I mean I have been seeing a psychologist, so I am obviously a mental case.

[JohnH]

My wife shared with me on Christmas she really likes me a lot better after my being on HRT. I also feel happier.

Johanna

[Badtranny]

It's like this; I didn't hate my life before, I just didn't care about it. If I didn't wake up the next day, ...whatever. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't exactly looking forward to the next day either.

After coming out and the subsequent transition, I love my life. I'm happy to be alive and excited about the future. I was an unpleasant person before and now everyone tells me I'm a lot more fun. Most people say things like "hey whatever you're into" or "whatever makes you happy" like I'm a crossdresser or something but I really don't mind. I pretty much wrote everyone else in the world off when I decided to transition so any acceptance at all is a nice surprise.

I am out of the mainstream in this forum because I was not distraught or distressed about my role as a man. I just wasn't happy so my transition was 100% about seeking happiness and fulfillment. It has been everything I imagined and more. I am now a fully realized person and I feel like there is nothing I can't do. My future is indeed so bright, I gotta wear shades.

[Rachel Smith]

Well said Melissa with the exception that I had one failed attempt. My male life seemed empty.

My parents. brothers and sisters all said, "as long as you are happy". I don't think though they realize just how happy I am now. Most days I just want to jump up in the air, click my heels and sceam yeah baby this is life. I myself have even told people it has been dificult at times if I had known life was this great on the other side I would have done it years ago.

[KellyJameson]

The word happy is something I have spent a great deal of time thinking about and searching for over the years largely I now see because of being transsexual.

I cannot say I'm happy but the obstacles to being happy have been removed.

On some level happy is something that waxes and wanes so comes and goes and this is as it should be but the experience of this coming and going,waxing and waning is dramatically different.

There are still problems to be solved and our mortality to face so we still have all the trials and tribulations everyone else does but with that one crucial aspect removed.

Everything changes but yet nothing does. You step into a different life but you are still building this life but with different tools and I'm sure the experience is different for everyone.

No two people are alike, no two lives are alike and of course no two transitions.

Transitioning is a magic elixir for one thing only and that is living your known identity but by living this identity you will step into a world that will exact a price for this elixir unless you can reinvent yourself completely which most cannot.

In general some part of your past life will follow you like a shadow and this could rob you of some measure of happiness if you are more attached to the world than you are to yourself.

For me transitioning was and is for those private moments when I'm by myself far more than those public moments.

It is not exactly about happiness but relief and from this, happiness is now possible even in the face of unhappiness.

We live on many levels simultaneously and happines or unhappiness touches them all.

You transition for that deepest level within you that really cannot ever be directly addressed consciously but only felt within your core being that you know exists even though you cannot point to it.

Think of the most personal private place within your being and that is where and what you transition.

[Angela Campbell]

Most people say things like "hey whatever you're into" or "whatever makes you happy" like I'm a crossdresser or something.



Hmmmmmm yeah kind of like that

[I Am Paula]

When you show someone your homemade art work, they say "Interesting".
When the host serves chicken that tastes like cat litter, you say "Tasty".
When you ask if these pants make you look fat, they say "Nice blouse".
When you tell someone you are transsexual, they say "Well, if it makes you happy".
These are responses used when A) There is no appropriate response. B) You do not want to offend. C) The statement is so far out of your ability to process that a knee jerk response will buy some time.
Looking thru' my facebook messages from the weeks after I came out there, I would say that 80% start with "Well, if it makes you happy". I would say that the vast majority of my friends realize this is not a phase, fetish, or mental illness.
When I sadly announced the passing of my brother a couple of years ago, the universal response was "You're kidding". What an inappropriate response!!! Sometimes we just need a one size fits all response and "Well, if it makes you happy" has become the go to one for announcing gender issues. We'll just have to live with it.
It's still better than the go to response from a decade ago "I didn't even know you were gay".

[Angela Campbell]

Although everyone I have come out to has asked me if I was gay. (or at least if I liked men)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"If it makes you happy" is code for..

"OMG, wTF!!!.. Are you some kind of freaking idiot?? ugh..... I have to no idea what to say to you.."

....

Melissa, you describe the way I felt when I was 35... by the time I was 45 I felt the distraught crazy feelings... the grind of not caring and feeling lost and empty wore me down...I don't feel how you looked at it was different than anyone here...you just had better foresight and were more pragmatic about it earlier than lots of people...

I'm happy about lots of things AND sad about lots of things...but at least I can feel something other than gender dysphoria..
To me the gender dysphoria is about feeling nothing else but gender dysphoria...now I feel absolutely zero gender dysphoria... so I can feel everything..

[StephanieC]

Until I was in counseling, I never consciously considered "happiness"...especially that I had ability to influence that. I kinda thought happiness was incidental to living...it came in due course. When I finally heard the question: "what would make you happy" or a discussion of whether my actions would be responsible for the happiness of others, I finally realized that happiness could be something to aspire to. Once you get to that point, I think decisions take on a different perspective.

But I do hear that alot: some people will not give a straight black or white answer...they hedge it by saying "whatever makes you happy". For me, I'm willing to accept anything short of denial.

[I Am Paula]

Oh yeah, Angela, I forgot to mention.
It does make me happy :-)

[mary something]

I am out of the mainstream in this forum because I was not distraught or distressed about my role as a man. I just wasn't happy so my transition was 100% about seeking happiness and fulfillment.

Is it fair to ask when the attitude that you should pursue happiness and fulfillment first began shaping your choices?

[Foxglove]

"Whatever makes you happy. . ."

Or as one man said to me, "You're just doing your thing, aren't you?"

To which I chirpily replied, "Yep!"

I have a different take on it: it was this man's way of saying, "It's no big deal. Nothing earth-shattering, nothing sinful, nothing disgusting, nothing to be condemned. Just one more of life's possibilities. So why not go with it if that's your possibility?"

This is how I interpreted his remark, but I was also basing my interpretation on his previous behavior. He never made a big deal of my coming-out.

This is how I often feel about being trans. It's no big deal. Why should anybody get upset or excited about it? The world is full of wild, weird, wonderful things. TGism is just one more. And after you've seen any number of WWW things, they cease to be WWW. It's just the way the world is. I'm just one more element of a WWW world. (One reason I'm proud to be trans.)

But has coming-out made me happy? Yes.

[Angela Campbell]

Would someone say to a gay person "well if it makes you happy"

Did they choose to be gay and so now that makes them happy? I can tell you I did not choose to be TS the same as a gay person did not choose to be gay (or lesbian or bi)

[dreamer_2.0]

Would someone say to a gay person "well if it makes you happy"

Did they choose to be gay and so now that makes them happy? I can tell you I did not choose to be TS the same as a gay person did not choose to be gay (or lesbian or bi)

Exactly my thoughts here. If someone says that to me I'd probably chew their head off. No, being a transsexual doesn't make me happy. Happiness, I imagine, is a byproduct to being able to be honest with yourself and the world, to be able to feel, as someone else mentioned, something other than the gender dysphoria.

Ugh..."if it makes you happy". Screw off! I'd be much happier if I had been born properly as a girl with no incongruity between my mind and body. Similarly, I believe I'd also be happy as a man with no incongruity either.

Sure I'd be hoping for happiness or peace during transition but mostly I'd be doing it to stay alive because, like Melissa once experienced above, I don't care about my life or anything.

[Angela Campbell]

Or what makes me even more upset is when they give me the "I support your lifestyle choice"


SMACK !! Bang zoom To the moon!

[DebbieL]

When my family says it, they mean it.

As a child, I was a quiet lonely little boy. I got beat up by the boys because I didn't fight back (wasn't in my nature).
I wasn't allowed to play with girls (most of my friends were girls before that).
I spent hours alone, in my room, reading non-fiction books (fiction books about girls made me sad that I wasn't one, didn't like books about boys).
The sadness showed in my health as well - hospitalized with asthma (stress of trying to live as a boy) over 60 times.
When I spent a LOT of time with girls, I was happier, my health improved miraculously.

I seed to be most happy when I was helping in the kitchen or cooking by myself. I seemed to like doing laundry. I even seemed OK with vacuuming.

As a teenager, I hated the changes of puberty. My testes dropped down and I wanted to destroy them.
When the choir teacher to me I had a bass voice, it was as if she had told me "Life in Solitary Confinement, no chance of parole".
With the bass voice, I turned to drugs and booze, going into blackouts regularly.

Losing my virginity was nice, but when she discovered my femme side, she dropped me like a hot potato - it broke my heart.

I got married and had children, I loved taking care of my kids, but my first wife hated Debbie - the last 5 years were horrible.

When Debbie came out and began to transition, it was like a whole new person emerged. There was energy, vitality, joy in life, I could love and was loved, I didn't have to hide who I was. I was free.

When Wife #1 told me "stop transition or never see the kids again" I went into the darkness again. Surviving, but not living.
Ironically, even though I quit, I didn't get to see the kids much anyway. When I came to town, they had a "full schedule, but we can fit you in for an hour or two on Friday and Wednesday".

When Wife #2 was accepting, I was alive again, more than I had been in a long time. But I was afraid she would leave me if I started transition again.
I started transition therapy again, #2 was upset. She could see the cloud over me, until eventually I crashed in the ER of a heart attack.
When she had to come and get me from the psych ward because I told my doctor I was thinking about suicide (had plan and means to implement and had thought through consequences), she realized something needed to change.

Started transition therapy, began living 128 as Debbie. #2 could see how much happier I was.
As I started hormones it was obvious that I was even happier. Even when I cried it was usually tears of joy.
#2 began to love me even more as she discovered who Debbie was. She likes Debbie more than Rex.

At work, I started working as "Rexy" (female, need to do name changes,...). People were amazed at how much more supportive and how much less argumentative I was. I still knew my stuff, but I didn't feel like I had to prove it all the time. When there were disagreements, I was more willing to listen carefully and take the contributions.

Debbie met her family this Thanksgiving - EVERYBODY could see that I was happier, more a part of everything, I wanted to participate instead of isolate.
For Christmas, Debbie got ALL the presents, and was so happy she cried tears of joy, several times. The family could see that Debbie was happier, and loves me as who I really am.

Nearly every person who has met both Debbie and Rex can see, no matter what point in my life, that Debbie is Happier than Rex.
Rex can be the clown, make people laugh, but there is no intimacy, no heart, no joy in it.

Debbie can feel the love of others, can share her love with others.

When they say "Whatever makes you happy" it's because they don't understand (most never will), but they really do want to see me happy, the way I am when I am Debbie.

[Kathryn Martin]

I didn't have a lot of people use that turn of phrase. But then in coming out I gave a somewhat medical explanation. Usually by the end of the conversation people would say that they have noticed a difference because I seem so much happier than before. I think explaining what our condition is should be concise but not so concise that it provides so little information that people have to resort to "if it makes you happy" or "I support your lifestyle choice". Usually when I am done with my explanation such retorts would be considered rude.


Happy? You bet I am, I did what needed to be done to be whole, how could that not get you over the moon?

[PaulaQ]

People tell me this all the time. They are well meaning, and genuinely kind and sincere.

I simply tell them "Oh thank you, but I'd actually rather have cancer than this," while smiling sweetly.

I find it gets the point across.

Ironically enough, I actually am a lot happier. So maybe I shouldn't be such a bitch?

[I Am Paula]

Or what makes me even more upset is when they give me the "I support your lifestyle choice"
SMACK !! Bang zoom To the moon!

That one drives me nuts!!! What choice? Who the hell would choose this? Fondue parties are a lifestyle. Wife swapping is a lifestyle. Being TS is a sentence (that ends, fortunately).

[Angela Campbell]

Well now. A fondue party would make me happy....just saying.

[DebbieL]

That one drives me nuts!!! What choice? Who the hell would choose this? Fondue parties are a lifestyle. Wife swapping is a lifestyle. Being TS is a sentence (that ends, fortunately).

Sadly, for far too many of us, it's more like "Life in solitary confinement with no possibility of parole, with the option to self-terminate if desired".

Some estimates are that as many as 70% of all transsexuals have tried suicide at least once, and nearly 1/2 were successful.
It's hard to really track the suicide rate because it often looks like an accident, or a manslaughter.
Some creative techniques I've tried over the decades.
Suicide by Biker, Redneck, Cowboy, or Jock - find the little guy, kiss the girl standing next to him, when he tries to stop you, give him a kiss too.
Drive for at least 200 miles with no stops for fluid or food, pick a road with lots of concrete barriers and semi trucks.
Find a bridge across an interstate that is not protected by a fence, with your back to the road. Listen for the roar of a semi, then lean backward.
Antifreeze & Gatorade - doesn't taste too bad. Might make you sick - in 3 days your kidneys fail completely.
Walk down the double yellow line of a dimly lit road waving a coat like a matador's cape, trty to touch as many cars as you can going in each direction as they pass. Try it after a pint of brandy and 2 benedryl.

Ground glass, small shards of glass. Looks like an ulcer.
Eat a big mac and a large chocolate shake and super size fry - 3 times a day for 6 months.
Wear your tie so tight you can feel the blood vessels in your head pop.
Drink stagnant pond water.
Step on glass in stagnant pond water.
Drive to a nice quiet park in January, without turning on the heater - pint of brandy, some antihistamines, and some Valium, take a nap. Don't forget to open your coat.
Take a drive down Lookout Mountain with a blood alcohol level of 3.0.
Make tea by putting 3 packets of Aspartame in the bottom of the cup, pour in actively boiling water, then add the tea bag. At 85 degrees centigrade the Aspartame turns to methyl alcohol. Repeat at least 6 times a day until your brain turns to mush.
Use LOTS of salt - especially if you have hypertension.

These are just a few "Lifestyle choices" some of us have tried to end the isolation.
Back in the 1960s, transsexuals were "cured" by giving them daily electroshock. If that didn't work the lobotomy did the trick.

To transition, many of us have had to make some "Lifestyle choices", like losing our parents, siblings, wives, children, jobs, careers, churches, friends, moving to a new city where we didn't know anyone or even living out of suitcases for months or years at a time. In many cases, these choices were made for us by others.

Let's no forget the fun and pain of laser, electrolysis, waking, various forms of hair removal, corset training, extreme diets, substantial weight loss (some of us over 100 lbs). Then there are those who do feminization surgeries, facial feminization, even hip changes.

Some have had to fund these medical costs through activities such as prostitution, adult films, or criminal activities because they were thrown out of their parent's homes while only children.

[JAS]

The short, inoffensive answer is no. But it did save my life.

[mary something]

I think a part of not liking it when someone says "if it makes you happy" is that it's questioning the person's judgement. Not many people vocally question males judgement publicly, it's simply considered terribly rude. Women don't always get treated this way as easily as men do, especially when in mixed company with men.

Maybe it helps to think about it from that perspective to help to see this as a challenge of transitioning. This is the world removing your male privilege essentially because any biological male would have to either be needing help or be a transsexual to do this right? Many of these people have never met a transsexual before aside from the celluloid version. The quicker we learn to respond to this statement in a manner that the other person thinks a woman would do so we take a step of helping that person understand us. It's not an imitation or a ruse, it's simply not allowing ourselves to feel distress when someone invalidates our opinion as long as they don't invalidate us as a person. People starting to accept that there are different rules of treatment socially for us is reflecting that they at least understand we are not a man. If we can keep a dialogue open we can keep being close to the person while they learn how to accept us in their way. Sometimes acceptance never happens, sometimes a genuine feeling of understanding and empathy happens too.