Therapists

[strugl]

Hello, hoping for some ideas here.

I recently admitted to myself and my family the feelings that I've been having for years. While I've had tremendous support from wife, her boyfriend, and a girl I used to see, we are all extremely new to this. I am hoping to find a therapist to help ask the right questions. I'm looking for a therapist that is poly, and tg obviously, friendly and who I could use throughout the process if I decide to go through a complete transition in the future.

my questions to you more experienced folk, is how do you find a therapist, what do you look for in a therapist, and what do you stay away from in a therapist?

thanks! <3

[josrphine]

Hi Strugl, Hummmmm????? wife her boy friend and a girl u used to see. You have plate full. there are therapist around to help in N C maybe the bigger cites . First I would try to find a support group in your area, there you will get more info as to who is good or not. Complete transition is a big ?. You don't say how old you are an for me it was a big factor . I now live 75 % of the time as a women an my wife loves me for it. Good luck

[Marleena]

Maybe this will help: http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/therapy.htm

[strugl]

Complete transition is a huge question, and i would never think to rush into it, but I'm the kind of person that likes to think about all possibilities. As for age, I'm 25.

and yea plate is full, poly makes my life interesting! :P . I love it though

good idea about local groups knowing local professionals. I'll check that out.


and Marlerna, I'll check that link when I'm not on my phone, thanks :)

[Karen__Starr]

You need to feel "at home with them" and know thru either research or recommendations/referrals they have experience in the field specific to your needs. After that see if you can get a reduce rate on an initial visit as many charge $150 and higher for a one hour visit.

I was lucky to find a great list for my area from a trans-doctor (male to female) here (http://www.sarabecker.com/t/therapists_in_the_portland_metro.htm) which is only good for my area but wanted to give you an idea. She also administers my hormones.

My first worked on a sliding scale, pay what you think the session was worth which I paid $100 per visit. He (a female to male) also writes books and could afford to work this way. My second a true female charges $150. Both wrote me my letters for SRS. Now between those two I got one who was honest and indicated they were not experienced enough for my needs and another who I did not feel comfortably with.

[StephanieC]

At least one of these posts appreared to fees and payments. I don't know if that is a concern to you...it was to me at the beginning. If you are working and are wondering about this, you might check your health benefits. Many employers offer mental health as part of their benefits....I used that benefit for counseling.

Good luck!

-stephani

[Michelle.M]

> I'm looking for a therapist that is poly, and tg obviously < That might be a tall order if you're being so specific. Here in Austin I see therapists who are at least poly-friendly but finding an actual TG therapist isn't as common as one might think.

But at least look for a therapist who has trans experience and is poly aware. Trans experience is key. Some therapists take on trans patients without being well-grounded in gender issues, and that's a waste of everyone's time.

> what do you stay away from in a therapist? < Therapists who advertise themselves as Christian counselors. Not criticizing people of faith (I am one myself), but you don't want to find yourself tangled up with anyone who believes in conversion therapy.

Since you're in North Carolina you might want to contact Kimball Sargent with offices in Raleigh and Fuqua-Varina. She's the most well-known therapist with experience in trans issues in NC.

[LeaP]

Charlotte Transgender Health Care Group (this is an association of providers who provide trans care, it is not a practice). The list includes therapists as well as physicians.

http://cthcg.org/directory/

[strugl]

Karen_starr- thanks for the numbers, that's not even something I had thought about yet tbh. I'm hoping that like Stephaniec, my health insurance will cover

Michelle.m - you're probably right, trying to find both would be hard. Maybe a poly aware trans therapist would be better than a trans aware poly therapist though? Not sure. Good point about the non religious doctor. You never know if they have ulterior motives. And thanks for the name! I'll check her out. :)

LeaP - while I'm not in Charlotte, I'm close enough that I could go there if that was the best option, I'll check it out.

[DebbieL]

The first thing is that you need a therapist who has Gender Dysphoria experience. From 1964 to 1986 I went to at least a dozen therapist and out-patient programs and when I would bring up the topic in my language "I want to be a girl" because I didn't have the language to say I'm transsexual, they would write me off. Part of this is because in Colorado where I was until 1983, the "Treatment" for most transsexuals was electroshock, aversion therapy, and if that didn't work, a lobotomy. My parents knew this, which is why they wouldn't let me talk about it with ANYONE. It was a bit like being a Jew in Nazi Europe. If the "bad people" found out, they would take me a way, do terrible things to me, then turn me into a vegetable. My father didn't tell me about this until a few days before his death in 2012.

I finally went to a couples counselor in 1988 because my wife and I hadn't had sex in over 18 months. In fact, the last time we had sex was to conceive my daughter and that was after a 2 year dry spell. She'd gone out to see male strippers and that got her in the mood.

The couples counselor was alerted to the issue by my wife, who explained that she was having trouble with my "wardrobe problem". After a few 1-on-1 sessions with me and some more with Leslie, he realized that I was a type 6 transsexual not only might kill myself if I didn't transition, but already had a history of self destructive, even suicidal behavior that was manifesting itself in obesity by that point. Long term prognosis wasn't good. She decided to have an affair, and I was referred to a counselor for transition counseling.

The first counselor was great. The first few sessions were with Rex, but later sessions were with Debbie. Every week I had homework assignments. I had to engage in certain activities as Debbie. In some cases, such as going to a gay bar or lesbian bar, I had to go as Rex and as Debbie. I had to go for a drive, then to NA and AA meetings, then to NA or AA dances, then to a gay bar, then to a lesbian bar, then to a straight bar. I had to go shopping as Debbie and I had to buy clothes that I had tried on in the ladies dressing room. I had to go to restaurants, and so on. Within a year I was living 120+ hours a week as Debbie, being Rex only for work, and even then not hiding it well. I did lose one job, but got another one where Debbie was supported.

I've had to stop transition several times now. Once because my wife threatened to have my visitation revoked, another because I had a homophobic boss, another because I was in a leadership program and was told to "burn the dresses". Today I regret all of those aborts. I threw away almost 20 years that could have been so much happier. I just have to accept that today.

I had reached a point where my weight was dangerously high again, I was becoming a bit self destructive, and I decided that I needed to consider transition again. By this time I was married to a woman who knew about Debbie and actually LIKED Debbie. She was supportive at home, and when it just seemed to be dressing, but when I told her I was seeing a therapist about transition, she balked. It took about 3 months to hit the wall, ending in a nearly fatal heart attack where I cored right in front of my wife. After another episode that landed me in the psych ward for a few hours, she told me to get back into gender therapy counseling.

I got back, started therapy again, and things began to turn around rather quickly. Soon I was living 120+ hours/week as Debbie, even flying as Debbie (legal documents still said Rex. Even though I had to wear a wig, Lee told me to grow my hair out for Locks of Love - who wanted 8 inches or longer. I began dressing more femme at work, and eventually they asked if they could call me "Rexy". I told my boss that I was transitioning, updated my pictures and information, at my next client engagement they pitched me as "She" and "her" rather than "he" and "him"..

I''m now on my second engagement as Rexy and am accepted as a woman. I don't know how well I pass, my voice is low, but they know I know my stuff, and people who had known me as Rex were impressed with how much more effective, productive, and supportive I was. I listened better, argued less, and just had less to "prove". I could just be myself instead of trying to keep up the mask.

My wife and I have both been going to counseling together and her one request is that I not start SRS until we know that our Marriage will be legally binding in states where we currently live or might want to live (Illinois & Florida). She didn't want to lose her status as my wife because it was a "same sex marriage" after transition.

The counselor has helped us both deal with several of her concerns and has helped me adjust and support her. Not only does my wife like Debbie more than she liked Rex, but so does her family. Even the people at church have been calling me Debbie and can't wait to see me in a dress.

A good gender transition therapist doesn't necessarily make it easy. There are times when we need a little push, some "homework" so we can begin to see what it will take to be able to live life as a woman. We can make our mistakes in safe environments, and they can help us to weigh the consequences when things don't go the way we planned. They can help us learn coping skills so that we don't fly off the handle or go into suicidal depression when someone isn't quite ready to accept us for who we are on that day.

A good therapist is also a therapist, helping us to focus on our strengths as the people we wish to be. In many ways, we get to create a whole new authentic personality, unconstrained by the barriers of the past. They will also help us to see things from the perspective of other people, helping us to be more compassionate and understanding when they become uncomfortable. They may even push us to get a female coach who can help us learn those subtle actions, mannerisms, and behaviors that give us away or will have us perceived as who we want to be. Often, they can recommend various books, both fiction and non-fiction that can help with these subtleties.

Logistics are important too. If the only available times are in the middle of a work day, it's going to be nearly impossible for you to go to the sessions as your femme self, and even if there is a changing room or bathroom where you can change, there is no time to get into the mindset of actually living as a woman even for an hour or two before the session. Being able to spend some time before your session after doing make-up, wardrobe, hair and even some time talking in femme voice is an important part of experiencing life in your true self, getting a chance to BE the girl you want to be instead of just rushing into a bathroom, changing clothes, and trying to "act" like a woman.

As for where and how to look. You may have to consult two different sources. Your insurance company will often have therapists with experience in Gender counseling, but you will need to figure out which ones by getting resources from the local LGBT center or web site. Some LGBT centers have support groups where you can have some of these logistical discussions as well an learning more about what others are going through or have gone through.

Keep in mind that support groups are very unpredictable. Just blogs, it's possible to get some really bad advice or bad perspectives. I remember one girl telling us how she had to try so hard to keep it secret from employers that she had ever been a man. She was having trouble keeping jobs because the employers would do the background check, discover her previous identity, and assume that she was being deceptive because she had done something bad while male. At minimum it was something she was ashamed of and could be used to manipulate her. After the meeting, one of the girls had a one-on-one to address the integrity issue, but the others in the group did not get the benefits of that coaching.

[JAS]

...my questions to you more experienced folk, is how do you find a therapist, what do you look for in a therapist, and what do you stay away from in a therapist?

This is an excellent question which IMO requires that you answer a couple of other corollary questions. The first question that I would suggest is just what it is you want from this therapist. Do you want him to "help you transition"? Do you want him/her to provide you with a letter for HRT? Do you want him/her to tell you if you are really a woman or a young man with a fluid or undefined gender identity? Or...do you want him to drill down inside your head a and actually try to figure out what is going on.

Paying for a good therapist will be the least of your problems. Based on what little I have read about you here, my suggestion, (not medical or "professional"), is to try and understand the dynamics and motivations of your current relationship(s) and how that relates to your own personal sexual identity.

I think the biggest problem that you will most likely run into with "trans-friendly" therapists is that they are married to the WPATH Standards of Care which IMHO are tragically ill-informed and ill suited to actual effective diagnosis beyond a "one size fits all" politically motivated approach.

Who am I? I am a 40+year post-op, who has actually been there, done that.

[Angela Campbell]

The WPATH SOC has very little in it about diagnosis and is aimed more as a guideline for treatment. I personally wanted someone who follows this standard. I was diagnosed by someone else (psychologist) and then referred to a therapist who specializes in transition once I decided that is the path I am to go down. It has worked out well so far at least for me.

[Michelle.M]

The WPATH SOC has very little in it about diagnosis and is aimed more as a guideline for treatment. I personally wanted someone who follows this standard.

Same here, and I'd recommend that this should be at least a consideration when looking for a therapist. I don't think the SOC is even the least bit ill-informed.

[strugl]

JAS - Basically looking for someone who knows the right questions to ask to make sure i'm thinking about everything i need to be. I'm extremely introspective so I don't need someone to guide me step by step, but i've realized in the short time since i've accepted this about myself that I really have no idea where to start. For example, I was posting in the CD forum when I first got on here, until my wife asked me if I was just into crossdressing or if I was more into having a different physical appearance. Pretty soon after I was able to answer that question, and joined this section of the forum. But if she had not asked that question, I would probably have not thought about it for a while.

Also, I had no idea what WPATH was, now I am going to go look into it.

DebbieL - I have not had a chance to read your post with work and whatnot going on, but I will today and before I even read it thanks for taking the time to write it!

[JAS]

"...my wife asked me if I was just into crossdressing or if I was more into having a different physical appearance." ~Strugl

Perhaps another question that might bear your consideration is...Is this about having a different physical appearance, or is it about changing everything--and I mean everything--in your life as it now exists.

Perhaps when you are finished reading about WPATH, you might give this a good read.
[/URL]

It is a long, difficult and controversial read, but...it is well worth it to give you one persons POV. This was not my path, but it is a common one and might shed some light onto the journey that you are considering.

Sorry....I forgot the[URL="http://tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_(Chapter_1)"] link. (http://tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_(Chapter_1))

[Kathryn Martin]

Jas, that is a brilliant read. I read this very early on and it much food for thought.

[Angela Campbell]

I agree it is a good read. You can tell it is fairly old, but most is still valid. Especially the part about the "transsexual story" and the bell going off.

[Michelle.M]

Perhaps another question that might bear your consideration is...Is this about having a different physical appearance, or is it about changing everything--and I mean everything--in your life as it now exists.

THAT is a good question, and one which too few people consider going in.


Perhaps when you are finished reading about WPATH, you might give this a good read.

JAS, you say you transitioned 40+ years ago. You do realize that a lot has changed in 4 decades, right? You seem to have a lot of unneccessary and perhaps even misplaced heartburn with WPATH.


It is a long, difficult and controversial read,

Some good points are made in this narrative, and you make some good points as well -


but...it is well worth it to give you one persons POV.

And that it is - one's person's POV.

"You see, there is no such thing as a straight man... Everyone is gay to a point." Most stupid thing I have read today.

So many times I hear people talk of their transition and they sum it up by saying “It was either that or suicide.” When I read accounts like this one I wonder if she made the right choice. This person’s life and transition sounds miserable. I shudder to think how nasty it was before transition.


This was not my path, but it is a common one and might shed some light onto the journey that you are considering.

I am thankful for you that this was not your path, and I pray to God it isn’t anyone else’s.

[JAS]

"When I read accounts like this one I wonder if she made the right choice."

Yes. I did as well.

"This person’s life and transition sounds miserable."

Yes...It does not sound like an ideal outcome.

"I shudder to think how nasty it was before transition."

I really cannot comment on that as I really do not know.

"JAS, you say you transitioned 40+ years ago. You do realize that a lot has changed in 4 decades, right? You seem to have a lot of unneccessary and perhaps even misplaced heartburn with WPATH"

Yes you are correct. When I made the changes I did, the world was a very different place. WPATH did not exist and I managed to avoid all the political maneuvering by men trying to make a buck or a name for themselves "studying" and "mansplaining" what it meant to be born female with male genitalia.

I am still not convinced that anybody not born this way can truly understand.

[Michelle.M]

I am still not convinced that anybody not born this way can truly understand.

I could not agree more! I find myself explaining my trans experience in metaphors, simply because the experience of living a disjointed life is such a foreign concept it's the only way to explain it and even that falls short of the true intensity of the experience.

[Angela Campbell]

I firmly believe that. If you are not born this way you just cannot understand.

I also agreed with something else in the "book" you linked to.....a born TS (sister) can recognize another one very easily.

[strugl]

Hope everyone had a good New Years! I was out and about and didn't have much time for posting.

I read through everything, was all fairly insightful, a good change of pace from all the perfect stories that are floating around. I did feel that the book had some older information in it, as well as a portion of it did not pertain to me specifically (mainly two parts actually. The part about losing friends and family, as I am already a part of a very alternative lifestyle group. And the physical description part, as I am extremely slender, short, and feminine already). But I like the read, and even re read it out loud to my wife and her BF on the car ride to the beach.

I am extremely grateful to everyone who takes the time out of their busy days to help me, and others like me. You all have either directly asked questions that helped me understand myself better, or indirectly have led me to questions. I have found a local group and have reached out to them and have found some therapists based on links posted here. I'm going to talk with all of them and find the right one for me.

btw, anymore suggestions, questions, or help in any fashion is welcome. :)

[Starling]

...I am still not convinced that anybody not born this way can truly understand.

There's no doubt that's true, JAS, as far as I'm concerned. I'm in the process right now of educating my very intelligent and empathetic cognitive behavioral therapist about the experience of transsexuality. She currently knows as much as the average educated person, which is next to nothing. But even when brought up to date on the latest scientific explanations for the phenomenon, she will never be able to feel the way we feel.

Aside from discovering a powerful analogy, I think the most we can do is convey the certainty and intensity of our feelings, and foster an understanding that GD is not a psychological problem, but a medical one. The psychological problem is what to do about it.

I've given my therapist and several close friends copies of She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders, by Jennifer Flynn Boylan. The early life she describes is uncannily like my own, and I believe she makes our experience as accessible as it can be to cis-gendered people. It's a really good read, too.

:) Lallie

PS: Congratulations on being a pathfinder. Your way must have been lonely at times.