Yet another: "you are invited, but please come as the guy", thread

[bas1985]

:cheer:

my female GG friend has texted me to invite me to new year's party tomorrow,
but she said that she prefers that I go as boy, because there are the
other husbands and children.

Well, I :drink: prefer stay alone but as myself.

I have carefully thought about that, it is not a question of dressing.

I know that from time to time a thread of this kind appears, but often
there are "strong" reasons: a marriage, a funeral, family matters.

Now it is only a New Year's Party. Come on! It is a fun occasion...

but I understand the fear, so I smile about this, I am not resentful or
other, but... maybe I would have preferred that she did not invite me
altogether, instead of inviting me with the string attached.

---

Well, I wish you a peaceful 2014. It may be my initial HRT year :) :daydreaming:

[I Am Paula]

I have been there far too many times. For a long time I gave in, specially while there were people I was not out to.
The doors have swung wide open, and now there is nobody I will bow to. Thank god I can just be myself.
I have often avoided social situations because the host wanted me to act like someone I wasn't to appease guests. Hypocricy !
Think about the importance of a party, and weigh it against the importance of identity, and make your choice. Neither answer is wrong!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It takes strength and a great attitude!!

I hear you 100%..

Come as a boy??? ummmm...."I'm not a boy"...

its a good example of how even some people that support us and care about us actually don't understand us..

[Aprilrain]

If I had received such an invitation early in my transition that would have been the end of my relationship with that person. I was/am totally uncompromising and unapologetic about my transition. I don't even like being around people who can't call me April or gender me correctly though I realize sometimes people that have known me for a long time slip up, I let it slide.

[Michelle.M]

Kaitlyn is right. Your decision is a good step forward in your own growth. Stick to your guns, be yourself, and Happy New Year!

[Angela Campbell]

It is a hard thing. I did that once for my Mother and I agreed to it several months before the time - Thanksgiving. I have made it clear I will not do so again. If a woman asked me this I would respond "are you going as a boy?" If a man I would simply not answer and not go.

In my mind this is me. If you want me then I am happy and may go, if you want someone other than me then no I will not be there. To me it just strikes me as the person is embarrassed of me, so I wouldn't want to show up and embarrass them....ever again.

[Michelle.M]

"are you going as a boy?"

No, I'm going with a boy!

[Jorja]

I would have texted her back (if we could have texted back then) and said, I am who I am. If you did not want me to come you should have come right out and said so. I will enjoy the evening by myself rather than be someone I am not.

[mary something]

Is there a way to communicate to her in a manner that doesn't end the conversation but doesn't have you or her agreeing to anything they don't wish to? Ideally we would live in a world where it doesn't matter, and sometimes I wonder if the anticipation of an event like this isn't what creates the feeling more than the actual event of encountering someone. In real life most people are accepting, even when they realize that the person is different in some way.

Maybe if you could show her how normal everyday people don't have problems with you in everyday life she would see this differently?

I don't know the best way to handle this of course, but try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible of course and no matter what have contingency plans for anything you decide on New Years, that way you're not too invested in any single outcome, just have fun!

[DebbieL]

Lee has been reluctant to invite Debbie to family events because she was afraid of what their reactions would be. It finally came down to a dinner with her father and her brother and his wife where I had come straight over from my therapists office. She wanted me there ASAP, so I was still "En Femme". I was wearing my natural hair (which is shoulder length), and pants, but I was obviously wearing a woman's blouse and a bra, as well as make-up. When I got to her dad's house, she told me I had to put on a hoodie to hide the femme things.

I got a bit upset. I told her that if Debbie was not welcome, then I would make other arrangements for Thanksgiving. I told her that I had done many thanksgivings an AA marathons or similar events, and would be happy to do so if that was what was needed. After a few hours, she told me that she would let Debbie come to Thanksgiving, but I had to talk to the family and answer any questions they had.

By the end of Thanksgiving, everybody liked Debbie even more than they liked Rex. Debbie helped with the cooking and cleaning, played games with them, and encouraged them to talk about their interests and passions. I even won several nice pots at poker. This was so different from Rex who would usually spend most of the day reading and sleeping, didn't like playing games, and at the dinner table went into "factoid dump mode" - the game with Rex was NOT to be the last one at the table stuck with Rex. With Debbie, it was just the opposite, they WANTED to be with me.

By Christmas, the families real feelings came out. ALL of the presents were for DEBBIE, and even the few addressed to "Rex from Santa" were jewelry and other things for Debbie. At one point they said "We were worried because we didn't get anything for Rex" - I wept with joy, thanking them so much, that it was perfect, and that I loved that they loved ME. The gifts were so beautiful and so personal that Debbie was moved, touched, and inspired to tears several times, and the whole family, including the guys gave me hugs as we were leaving. Something they normally only do with the women.

If your GG friend is that worried about you being at her party, you might want to ask her if she would like to do something where you can be yourself instead. How close could she be to those friends if she doesn't think she can bring the girl she loves?

If you MUST go as "the boy" let her know that you will won't be "stripping down" or "butching up". You shouldn't have to strip your nail polish, grow a shadow, or wear masculine "macho" clothing to create the stupid mask you've created to hide your true self all these years. You can wear pants, keep the make-up light, wear a loose-fitting shirt or blouse, and go with the 2 inch chunk heels rather than the stilettos. This allows her the ability to talk to her more observant friends about your situation (and maybe get some positive reinforcement). At worst, some of her friends will think you are gay and just needed a date. At best, some of her friends will ask her if you are transgendered and she can have some peers to talk to. Some may even be very supportive.

[I Am Paula]

Debbie, after some shaky starts, my family likes Paula better. This Christmas was Paula only.

[bas1985]

Thanks for the kind responses, I have decided to be myself, there is in any case a public party in my city free to all (free as in free beer and in free speech) from tomorrow at 10pm, I will go there.

Regarding this incident with my friend.

Two things were a bit stressful for me:

1) the fact that the text messages were in fact more than one. The first said more or less:

"you are invited" (no conditions, and she already saw me in drag with some friends and apparently she was OK with that, so I first accepted because I naively thought that she was inviting her not him).

and only after she texted me back, as a reminder: well, but it would be better
to come as "him" because there are husbands, children, etc...

That was (for me) a bit unfair, because I had to change my mind, as if someone
says to a disabled person: "you can come"... and after the other says "YES!" he says: "well, but please do not come with your wheelchair"...



2) The fact that she was totally supportive, so I did not expect that, I thought
that she understood that for me was not a "dress" thing.

Anyway, playing the victim is not useful... I was just elaborating.

----

As a note to the posts which were written while I was writing this:

1) I tried to tell her that I may go there not too much "girly", but this is in any case my
normal attitude in these months before HRT. But this also was not considered OK by
her that said that her friends should have been prepared before.

2) I really do not know if she really meant that, probably not. I suppose that our
condition makes a bit of "turmoil" (somewhat unnecessary) in every friendship. I know
she is a nice, really nice person, but she feared the reactions of her friends, probably,
more than the pleasure to have ME (her new female friend).


-----

I know that transition comes with some prices, not only economical and I am
prepared to pay for them, if it is due.

Happy new year with 6-9 hours in advance :)

[Sandra]

I'm sorry but your GG female friend doesn't understand you at all, if she did she wouldn't have asked this of you.

[generalchaos34]

Its like she wasn't even inviting "you" just inviting the shell you inhabit. Id say stay home, or better yet, throw your own party. It's not being petty, its just showing that your female self is the true you and people need to accept it. Although, if you did want to be petty you could invite her and tell her not to come dressed as a b!tch =P

[Angela Campbell]

Bas are you living full time as a woman now? If not then she may not understand the difference for you and is a not completely unreasonable request.

If you are full time and this is the only way she has seen you for a while it has a different meaning.

[TeresaL]

It's too bad folks try to put us through this sort of thing. They must fear us and what we represent. If they only knew just how vulnerable we are, and that we just want to be ourselves.

[bas1985]

Bas are you living full time as a woman now? If not then she may not understand the difference for you and is a not completely unreasonable request.

If you are full time and this is the only way she has seen you for a while it has a different meaning.

I am full time except 4-5 hours a week that I see my children, but this because the divorce is not settled yet,
I will have another hearing on Jan. 14th and I, with my lawyer, do not want that the transition could be used by
my ex to threaten the custody.

The gender clinic I am going to is aware of that and this is not an obstacle, for now, for HRT. They understand the
situation.

[kimdl93]

If you feel strongly that you want to begin transition, talk with your friend. Tell her the truth of how you feel about presenting yourself. You used the word "prefer", which doesn't seem like an ultimatum. Ask her again if she would be willing to accept your presence as a woman. If she feels that would be problematic for other guests, then very politely decline, explaining that you would love to go, but do not want to create a problem for anyone.

[Annaliese]

One has to be one self, to go in guy mode is denying who you are. But don't stay home go out and celebrate, who you are.

[Foxglove]

One person I'm still not out to is my dad. When I came out to my brother and sister, they were completely cool with it, but the three of us quickly agreed that my dad couldn't know about it. He's very religious, very conservative and wouldn't be able to deal with it all--besides the fact that he's 85 and in fairly fragile health, and this could seriously upset him, perhaps enough to upset his health.

So he knows nothing about me. (My mother died a couple of years ago without knowing anything about me.) The result is, I suppose, that I'll never see him again. And another result is that I won't even be at his funeral. A Southern Baptist church in central Texas? That would be interesting, wouldn't it?

My sister, looking forward to his demise, once let me know that she wanted me at his funeral, but in guy-mode. I told her it was out of the question. I'm out now, and I'll never go back in--not for any reason. Those days are finished. That nightmare is finished.

She didn't push me on it. She said, "I knew that's what you'd say." We're a stubborn family, every single one of us. So I was merely keeping up a family tradition. She wasn't mad at me. We're still friends.

Still, it's sad. As I told her, that's the way it is in the trans-world. But it's not my fault. My dad's had eight and half decades to lighten up. If he's chosen not to do that, nothing I can do about it.

[Eryn]

If a person switches back and forth in view of their friends then they leave the door open to "please come as a boy" requests from those friends. They don't understand and frankly probably can't understand fully the ramifications of their request.

There are several options:

- One can simply not go to the event and hope that they "get the message." This is not likely to be successful.

- One can go to the event in the host's preferred presentation. This will be successful from the host's perspective but will give the host the wrong message about gender being a voluntary choice.

- One could go to the event in one's preferred presentation. While this might be affirming, the host might take offense.

- The last option is harder, but I think more effective. Talk to the host privately before the party and tell them that your gender is not a voluntary choice. Tell them that it is painful to have to present in your birth-assigned gender and that you would be more comfortable in the other gender. Leave the option open for them to un-invite you to the party, but if you are to go it will be in the presentation that makes you comfortable. There is a slim chance that you will be un-invited, but if that is the case then your friend is rather superficial and not worth your worry. There is a great chance that you will be invited in your preferred presentation and that you will achieve greater (but not complete) understanding on the part of the host.

[Mssusan]

Maybe she doesn't understand fully that being a girl is not a choice like which shirt to wear today, or what to order for dinner. It's who you are as a person. People who are secure in the gender they were born to have trouble with this concept.

[Lorileah]

I gave in...once. I let everyone know it was a once in a lifetime deal because I am transitioning and asking me to play a role I don't want to play is mean, arrogant, and ignorant.

I don't burn bridges over this but I do tend to not associate with people who ask that now.

[PaulaQ]

My advice is "don't do it." I'm a bad example - I've given in to this way too many times for my wife. (From whom I'm now separated.) But no more. It helps no one, in the long run, least of all you. I mean, what does putting this off accomplish? "OMG, it's too scary to see you present as a female now, but next month, yeah, it'll be cool bro!" It won't be any easier next month, and the more times you capitulate, the harder it is to convince people that this isn't some type of "choice" on your part.

[STACY B]

I'd show up a Boy alright ,, A BOY in a great big Diaper ,, Rattle ,, Bonnet ,, An say I am here ,, I am BABY New Year ,,,

[mary something]

Haha you're funny Stacy! What about the statue of Liberty? She's a lady right?

[DebbieL]

Counter-offer. You will go to the party on that night, if she will wear 3 inch heels, hose, short skirt, and low cut blouse every day for the next 3 months, or every time you are together for the next year.

If she wants to force you to play a role that you don't want to play to please her and her friends, then she should be willing to play the role you want her to play for as long as you have been playing the role you hate. Let her know that if she really wanted to be "Fair" she should do it for the next 10-15 years.

[Eryn]

Lots of interesting suggestions here, but do you wish to approach this friend seriously or treat the situation as a joke? I think that it is quite serious and deserves to be treated as such.

[bas1985]

we texted a bit yesterday and she seems to understand that it's not the "skirt".

In a first moment she tried to tell me to come with pants.

I texted her back saying that for me pants is not a problem, but with a pair of female pants
and a female shirt I already pass as female in public, if she really feared the reactions of others maybe
she meant MALE pants and a MALE sweater, but that is out of the question for me, because, I explained
to her, this would force me to stay for the entire night socializing as a man, with other men, speaking
about myself with the masculine declination of words and adjectives; instead I would have loved to
go to the party socializing as a woman, staying with other women, maybe I would also have baby
sitted the children (I am really good at that).

Posed in this cul de sac, she uninvited me, or, better, she accepted my point of view and said that
she would prepare better her friends for the next time. Well, you can call it a polite uninvitation,
it's like when the boss does fire you, but he makes you sign a voluntary resignation :)

[Nicole Erin]

Heh, yeah one's social circle does change during transition and after.
She probably doesn't want you going as a woman cause she KNOWS them gents might try to be cool around others but them guys be wanting to get with a sexy tranny who can do things their wives cannot. What we got is a greedy man's dinner.
Show up in a hot skirt, black nylons, dolled up... Them boys be saying, "Uhh I don't know if this is normal but I have always wanted to..." to which you can say, "Kneel and PRAY Mr shy man!"

[Angela Campbell]

One of the benefits of never having many friends for most of my life. It is no difficult task to limit contact with those who knew me before. Yes some at work and family I cannot help, but other than that I have no contact with anyone who ever knew me as a man.

[Georgie]

After reading this I thought I would check with the host of the party I'm going to tonight if she was expecting me to go as male or female.

I was told don't be daft she she's me as female and she would never make me come as someone I wasn't, and if anyone has a problem they will be told to leave :).

[kimdl93]

we texted a bit yesterday ..... she uninvited me, or, better, she accepted my point of view and said that
she would prepare better her friends for the next time. Well, you can call it a polite uninvitation,
it's like when the boss does fire you, but he makes you sign a voluntary resignation :)

OK, call it fair enough. You were clear with her and courteous. But please continue the dialogue with her. She may very well make an effort to inform and educate her friends, if that's necessary. If so, then perhaps the next time, whenever that might be, will turn out better.

[Jessica Keys]

Lots of advice on here...all very good.
But, she is your friend and I would go but, be wearing girl type jeans and since it is cold a big fluffy sweater hiding any growth underneath.

I know...I know...but she is your friend?

[FurPus63]

I'm sorry if this hurts you but IMO, if it were me; I'd lose her as a friend. You need to find new friends. GG, TG, TS, Gay, Lesbian, Straight, whatever; but friends. Not this B.S.! That person is not a true friend. I would just let her know that, and forget about her. Transition doesn't always go the way we want. I lost friends and family because of it. One very good friend, who knew me all of my life (we even dated for awhile when we were younger) but this is totally unacceptable to me. I defriended people on facebook, and all kinds of things. I literally don't care. I lost my wife, a sister, brothers, my uncle/godfather; all kinds of people. Some have come back. My brother has reconciled with me, and my x-wife is a very good friend to me now. So people can come around in the future. You need to let this woman know that what she's asking is way out of line and exactly how you feel. If it causes the relationship to break-up, so be it. She might come around someday and apologize.

That's how I feel about it and hope you are not offended.

Happy New Year! I welcome 2014!

Paulette

[Nicole Erin]

Kind of what Paulette said.
People that do not accept will always have a problem.

On a serious note though - Once you are full time (if not already) you will keep a few old friends, lose some, and develop new ones who know only the new you. The new friends who you meet post-transition (however far you take it) simply will not ask you to "go as a man". They might know you used to be a man but since they didn't and don't know him they ain't gonna expect that.
In fact, say you are living as a woman and that is all someone knows. If they met "him" they would be confused and probably discourage it. They would expect "her".

[STACY B]

I was joking before but seriously you need to use the advice of the others an drop her a$$ ,, Surely your feelings are as valued as the others ?

It's not something you just do ,, It's something you Must do ,, If your out on New Years you would want to bring it in the same way you want to send it out ,, Not like its a job interview ,, Even if your not Full time your on your time ,, Be your self on your time ,, I would have declined in the first place an found some people who accept me for me ,,

[bas1985]

thanks for you precious advice.

I stayed with myself, had a 90 minute phone conversation with my daughter (she is really chatty sometimes :) ),
and gone, as myself -- so Marina --, downtown (I live in the center, for me it means taking the elevator :) )

there was the major who gave a little speech, some 2-300 people,
we greeted the new year with some good Italian wine and the Panettone
(the traditional cake for this time of the year).

Regarding my friend I know she is a real friend but I understand her fear of the reactions of
other people... I think we can manage for another time, but I am prepared to stay on my
line, because, as we always say, we transition out of need not out of madness (even if
a bit crazy I am lol).

Now I am back and I wish you a happy 2014, for me it's already started by half an hour.

[Daphne Renee]

I agree with the others.. some people just dont get it. politely declining is the way to go. Perhaps next time you could have a party and ask her to come as a boy.. assuming she says she is not a boy you could say well neither am I. just food for thought there

[Chickhe]

I feel for your situation. I once had some friends who cared more about themselves than their friends and now I choose to have less friends like that... For some friends, it is better to just say yes to an invitation and ignore any discussion afterwards...that way you are only obligated by what you accepted in the invitation. IMO you should have just said you would be happy to go, had no more discussion and showed up dressed to kill.