Mental Gymnastics

[PretzelGirl]

I have been hesitant to write this as I haven’t seen a lot in here to ground my situation. But maybe that is more of a reason to put this together. Or maybe I am being blind to similarities.

All along I have stated that I am TG and I will see where I end up when I am done progressing. In the beginning I caveated that with “but I don’t think I will transition” but that statement has faded away. So here I am on my 53rd birthday and four years after I got out of my house for the first time and I have progressed along with no stress, which has at least in part been a result of great acceptance. During these years, I have grown my hair out, pierce my ears, lost weight, removed body hair, all of which aren’t that uncommon. But when seeing those transitioning or transitioned talk about still going to electrolysis, I looked at that as an undue burden and sympathized. I started laser and followed with electrolysis and part of my mind justified it by knowing I would never grow a beard again, but every time it is stated by someone to start removal as a first step, the thought of a transitioned person having to endure it has stayed with me.

The last year had my last child move from the immediate area and I had predicted I would be near full-time outside of work and that has become true. I know the few times I change are cheating and I guess without a commitment, I can do that, right or wrong. They are mostly related to in-laws I am not out to yet along with not dressing up for electrolysis. Early this year I started thinking about all of the changes and the time I spend as myself and it got me into a self evaluation mode about if I was going this far, was it time to really understand what I was doing instead of just progressing without much thought to it? Any further steps would have more lasting impact.

This was all going well even though I had some family stress and a really tough year at work as far as workload and stress. Even with that, I was a lucky one to survive two layoffs and a furlough. But the workload stayed high with less people around. Although all that was going on, I did quite well mentally this year. Until two months ago, I had a blood test and my testosterone was way too high. Once anything life threatening was ruled out, it bugged me that I had this happen. I stated this to my doctor and even told him that I would rather be on low dose of estrogen than have this happen. It was something I wanted to take back as it was out of the blue and I don’t know what he thought of it. But now the trigger had been tripped and my mind was racing.

So I finally decided it was time to get therapy and I found a psychologist that is a gender specialist and also hits the other areas that have been recent stressors. We met for the first time yesterday and it was mostly a dump of everything going on although he started to focus on two points. I don’t know where this is going but I do run through my mind the thoughts of who I am, so the uncertainty is present. I think about how far I have come without thinking about whether I was on a transition path and now I am going through the mental gymnastics of whether it is something done somewhat subconsciously or just that I am where I should be right now. One of the things that makes it tough to use experiences here as a guide, in my mind anyway, is that most seem to experience a lot of negative life events (depression, no support, loss of family members, etc). I have been extremely fortunate to this point, so it makes it feel like I shouldn’t have these thoughts. But each person is on a unique path, so I am interested in other’s thoughts and experiences that might relate to where I am.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Sue, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I do think that sometimes we have lapses that can tell us a lot about where we are but also sometimes we can read too much into those events.

I'm really glad that you have found a decent therapist to help you to ask yourself the right questions. In my not so humble opinion, deeply negative life events are not a pre-requisite of having been born transsexual or even Gender Non Conforming.

It seems pretty obvious to me that you are open to the truth for your situation whatever that may be and I believe this will stand you in good stead. You know that I am one of those who caution not to transition unless you need to but that if you need to you should not let anything stand in your way. I hope you work out in the not too distant future whether you have that need or not, but please know that whichever outcome, you will still be welcome here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are in great shape!!! that's a really thoughtful and open post!!

you don't have to decide anything...lots of us did lots of wondering and thinking of ourselves as cd's tg's or just gay...for many years sometimes!!!

I found that for tg and ts people in their 40's and 50's there really is a midlife component to it...we are going to die gets into your head... things you've repressed or ignored can't be coped with in the same way anymore...
the idea of "Someday I will....." loses its power to console us...

and then something happens... a big life event.....you mention losses and stress events...not for me...
ironically for me it was SUCCESS!!! that drove me to transition finally...my wife left me before any of this because I was so secretly preoccupied....she felt lonely with me!!! I am so sorry for that...ugh....

anyway..i kept getting promoted in my job...I kept getting more money.....I was so depressed and anxious..panic attacks...speech freezes...it hit me like a brick that I was feeling trapped by this success..it was a incredibly existential horrible feeling....
...and I started thinking to myself that I would not die and regret my life

....then I noticed that had taken off tons of hair...lost weight ..plucked my eyebrows...let my nails be shaped...I realized I had been feminizing myself....and that was that.... that's when I started HRT...(I had been in therapy for a while prior to that).

I don't think its about what the event is...its about how incredibly huge that moment is...somebody dies...makes you think...and when you are 51 you think a lot more...and you just can't hide...


this doesn't mean anything other than its my experience... you are gonna have to make your own decisions based on your experience...and I think the more you read what people go through , the better it will be for you...

learning about others was hugely helpful and constructive for me...just by talking to different people across lgbt I learned a lot and meeting ts women was incredible because it immediately felt like I was one of them...it made my feelings very real ...

[mary something]

Do you still wish that you hadn't told your Dr that you wouldn't mind to take estrogen?

[Marleena]

Sue sometimes we ignore what we don't want to know. Sometimes we are the last to know.:) In your case that estrogen slipup might have been a realization something more may be going on with you. Time to do those mental gymnastics with your gender therapist and get answers.

BTW Kaitlyn's reply was great.

[PretzelGirl]

In my not so humble opinion, deeply negative life events are not a pre-requisite of having been born transsexual or even Gender Non Conforming.

Thank you for this statement. I feel the same way, but my thoughts don't have the same grounding in experience, so it is good to hear it stated.


It seems pretty obvious to me that you are open to the truth for your situation whatever that may be and I believe this will stand you in good stead. You know that I am one of those who caution not to transition unless you need to but that if you need to you should not let anything stand in your way. I hope you work out in the not too distant future whether you have that need or not, but please know that whichever outcome, you will still be welcome here.

I hope to remain thoughtful while I settle everything running through my mind. Some of it is the part of many of us where it is easy to look at someone else and process what is happening but when we (I) need to be introspective, it gets cloudy real quick. The best thing to do right now is take the swirl and calm it down while I work through it.


you are in great shape!!! that's a really thoughtful and open post!!

<exhale> The oddity (and maybe familiar part for some) is that I worked through writing the post and some of it was hard to put down. But doing so helps by itself. As I hit the Post button is when the hands started shaking, the stomach swirling, and a few tears ran down. I realized I hadn't opened myself up that much in a long time. My biggest personal defect is that I get defensive. So I tend to not say anything to where I might get judged.


learning about others was hugely helpful and constructive for me...just by talking to different people across lgbt I learned a lot and meeting ts women was incredible because it immediately felt like I was one of them...it made my feelings very real ...

I appreciate your story. It does help hearing similar portions of our lives. During all this mess, I did basically get a promotion, but it wasn't presented that way due to the rough year we had. So I have a much higher level of visibility at work. I love the challenges and brace for the day that I am outed or say something myself. I know this doesn't mean my path is the same, but that it doesn't all have to be negative to be a path. I know from all of your stories going back that you have given up a lot and that has its impact too. These are good things to hear while processing everything bouncing around.


Do you still wish that you hadn't told your Dr that you wouldn't mind to take estrogen?

Great question. I believe emotionally I would at this point. Logically, I know it needs to come a lot slower. My emotions are the only thing pressing and although that is a big deal, I suspect talking with the therapist will help keep that in check. It came out in an interesting way with the therapist. I found I was defending (there's that defensiveness) why I was dressed en femme. When he asked me how I wanted to be addressed, I told him my thoughts were that if I said Steve, he may not take me seriously and if I said Sue, I thought I was steering him.

[Angela Campbell]

Early this year I started thinking about all of the changes and the time I spend as myself .


I think this says a lot. When you are yourself....who are you?

[KellyJameson]

Testosterone and Estrogen are symbols as powerful as the penis and vagina for establishing "gender".

Has the high testosterone given you pause about your actual identity?

In general most peoples minds follow their body as gender but for the transsexual this relationship is split apart so transitioning is shaping the body to follow the mind.

On some level we are required to ignore the body in the knowing of the self to acknowledge that we are woman but yet the body becomes all important in the formation of the self as the mind knows itself which feels and seems paradoxical.

You are a woman without a body in the beginning as "identity" and the physical represented symbolically as testosterone versus estrogen or penis versus vagina is meaningless while also being all important "at some point in the transition" BUT "not before"

Be careful what power you give symbols and instead see it purely as tools to bring your body back to you.

[Sara Jessica]

What a wonderful reveal Sue, I'm glad you pushed the "post" button.

I have never known you to be anything less than thoughtful in your journey and while a lot of stuff is swirling about right now, I think everyone can see that you remain as such. Where you are headed, only time will tell. But I know you to be genuine with a heart of gold. I'm sure all will be revealed in a much more clear light as you ramp up discovery through your therapy.

On a more superficial note (as in appearance), these things we do to our bodies enhance our presentation to the world no matter which TG path we walk upon. What you have described will make you better prepared should transition be in the offing, or simply will enhance your beauty and self-confidence should you choose to continue as you have for the last several years.

I so very much look forward to seeing you in a few months and hope we have some time to talk, to take time to smell the roses in the whirlwind of what can be such a busy week.

[I Am Paula]

Kaitlyn's comment:
"I found that for tg and ts people in their 40's and 50's there really is a midlife component to it...we are going to die gets into your head... things you've repressed or ignored can't be coped with in the same way anymore...
the idea of "Someday I will....." loses its power to console us..."

I think hits a lot of nails right on the head. Many feel, about that age, that life is passing them by. Testosterone fueled life forms call this mid-life crisis. To those of us struggling with gender issues, it's a time when we say to ourselves 'What if I live another forty years, and realize I never even really tried to fix this...what a waste'. Mid-life realization.

Something that rarely comes up, is that one CAN try HRT. It is often used as a diagnostic tool, in that those who are not truly TS quickly realize it is not for them. Very few people give up HRT after a few years. It's mental effects are quick to make themselves known.

Sue- You seem to have a very realistic approach to this. Like if you discover you are truly TS, you have already mentally prepared yourself, and if not, well and good. With an outlook like that I think you will find a very healthy resolution, what ever it may be. I went into this completely confused, angry, and depressed, Terrified that I was TS, and just as terrified that I was not.

[stefan37]

You will know what the right path when the time is right. 2 things about transition I have realized is it has to happen when the time us right and at its own pace. Rush it and the results can be disastrous. I asked my therapist early on"how do I know this is real?". He responded"if she exists and You allow it she will emerge". The important part to me was if I allow it. Ask yourself the same and the answer will reveal itself. As you take each step forward, how comfortable is it for you. When life becomes more difficult and challenging does your progress toward transition still feel right?

only when you answer your questions and fears honestly will you be able to take the correct path forward.

[kimdl93]

I had to read this a couple of times and all the follow up comments before chiming in. All I can really offer is an echo of earlier comments. It's great to know that you're able to face this question openly and that you've reached this juncture without experiencing some of the traumas that so many others endure.

Most of what you have described resonates with me...our recent life paths are remarkably similar and I find myself contemplating the future. I also share the view that transition is something that should be approached with great caution and avoided unless it's literally necessary for ones mental and physical health. So what an appropriate time to seek objective and informed guidance. No matter where the process leads, you are taking the right steps.

[Annaliese]

Sue, I remember when we met in Ogden and went out to dinner with you and your lovely wife. We both talk about being CD, and transition was never in the future for either of us. Oh how thing have change, since then, I have found my self moving closer to the Transgender side, wearing make-up to work, and now not even going out of the house with out my make-up on, even on weekends. Were my enhancer in my bra all day long only taking them out when I take my bra off to go to bed. I am looking for a gender therapist also, the closest ones I have found are either in Salt Lake or Vegas. There is one therapist here a the university that does the safe Zone training that might be able to help me, not to sure about seeing someone at work. I don't know where my path will take me but where ever it does. It will be my choose.

[PretzelGirl]

Sue sometimes we ignore what we don't want to know. Sometimes we are the last to know.:) In your case that estrogen slipup might have been a realization something more may be going on with you. Time to do those mental gymnastics with your gender therapist and get answers.

This is one that will need more discussion. With a high level of a hormone I wasn't necessarily wishing for, I guess the emotional side was trying to overcompensate.


BTW Kaitlyn's reply was great.

It definitely was!


I think this says a lot. When you are yourself....who are you?

That is a bit vague on my part. When I refer to Sue vs him, it is usually to distinguish feminine vs male presentation. So when I say I am myself, it is when I relax and be who I want to be at the time. It isn't about clothes or make-up as I go quite casual a lot, but obviously some kind of clothes need to be in there to stay out of jail. :) But it is more about just relaxing and letting what feels like natural feelings flow without trying to mold them or hold any back based on who I am around. And I am not trying to say I am playing a role as a guy or overly girly as a girl, but I do find I check myself as a guy and let it flow otherwise.


Has the high testosterone given you pause about your actual identity?

I think there has been some pause, but it was always on the back burner. I advanced through the discovery of myself and because I had no major stressors, I just moved along without concern. There always was the coming out decisions, but for some reason those always seemed easy and I suspect it was because of the relationships built and the faith in the person. So this test is really the first time my mind had to really work over something.


I so very much look forward to seeing you in a few months and hope we have some time to talk, to take time to smell the roses in the whirlwind of what can be such a busy week.

Thank you Sara! I do look forward to us getting together again, so we will definitely talk. Yes, the "modifications" can work with or without transition and I believe that is why it was always easy to make those decisions. I know that at some level, they get attention. But I also know that I still am held in good regard at work between getting a higher level position and that I have many peers that come to me for assistance. To me, that is a good way to be in life anyway; but is also money in the bank, so to speak, if I decide to go further. I am the kind of person that wants to make as many friends as possible, but there is an advantage to good relationship building when it comes time to come out.


I think hits a lot of nails right on the head. Many feel, about that age, that life is passing them by. Testosterone fueled life forms call this mid-life crisis. To those of us struggling with gender issues, it's a time when we say to ourselves 'What if I live another forty years, and realize I never even really tried to fix this...what a waste'. Mid-life realization.

I can feel part of this with the running thoughts I have. Timing thoughts are pretty prevalent "If I can wait x years, I can make myself more layoff proof" "If I start HRT, my timeline for telling other family members accelerates" Obviously, those thoughts need to be on the back burner until they are really relevant, but they are there nonetheless.


Something that rarely comes up, is that one CAN try HRT. It is often used as a diagnostic tool, in that those who are not truly TS quickly realize it is not for them. Very few people give up HRT after a few years. It's mental effects are quick to make themselves known.

It is a thought. At my age, a low dose probably can be backed out of without any adverse side effects as long as time doesn't pass too far along. That I will leave in reserve for my therapist and then with a discussion with a doctor.


Sue- You seem to have a very realistic approach to this. Like if you discover you are truly TS, you have already mentally prepared yourself, and if not, well and good. With an outlook like that I think you will find a very healthy resolution, what ever it may be. I went into this completely confused, angry, and depressed, Terrified that I was TS, and just as terrified that I was not.

Thank you! I think that is part of the balance I try to maintain with myself. I have other family issues that quite frankly, I am somewhat surprised myself that I haven't sought therapy before. But even though I am certainly emotional, I do try to be logical on how I do things. The problem is that when working through something, the emotion takes hold. When I type out my thoughts, I am able to work out the logic better. I am sure that is the difference is in being in the heat of the moment versus hindsight.


You will know what the right path when the time is right. 2 things about transition I have realized is it has to happen when the time us right and at its own pace.
......
only when you answer your questions and fears honestly will you be able to take the correct path forward.

This is the part I want to most hang on to. By not having a negative event forcing me forward, like needing to do it to relieve depression, I have the ability to work time as long as I don't allow myself to get anxious. It is manageable and I know it is quite an advantage.


Most of what you have described resonates with me...our recent life paths are remarkably similar and I find myself contemplating the future.

I have thought the same through our discussions. I hope the path stays stress free for you. We will probably benefit from continuing to share our thoughts.


I am looking for a gender therapist also, the closest ones I have found are either in Salt Lake or Vegas.

Annaliese, I belonged to a group in Ogden that was run by therapists that met once a month. They had one person that came from north-central Nevada to receive therapy and timed it so she could be with the group. She paid a hotel for that night. I know living in an isolated city is tough on available resources. But if you can afford it (always a tough thing with the many expenses possible), there are other options.

Wow, I don't know if I have been this wordy before.

[mary something]

Great question. I believe emotionally I would at this point. Logically, I know it needs to come a lot slower. My emotions are the only thing pressing and although that is a big deal, I suspect talking with the therapist will help keep that in check.
Is it okay to ask you to share what emotions you feel when you logically tell yourself it needs to come slower?

Please don't take this as being judgemental or critical, I'm not sure that the tipping point that you describe is emotions and logic being at odds with themselves. Is it possible that is a false dichotomy of sorts?

Hrt therapy is a powerful symbol, but it is only one of a series of steps that most people do to complete what is called a transition. The decision to start hrt seems to me afterwards to be less important than the choice to keep taking it every day. Before I started hrt it seemed like a fork in the path, and I suppose it is, however each day I take hrt also gives me the opportunity to change that decision.

The choice to stop is given daily, the choice to begin happens once. Maybe you are exactly where you should be, is there anything left to do to feminize your body at this point?



It came out in an interesting way with the therapist. I found I was defending (there's that defensiveness) why I was dressed en femme. When he asked me how I wanted to be addressed, I told him my thoughts were that if I said Steve, he may not take me seriously and if I said Sue, I thought I was steering him.

The only absolute truth about you resides inside of you and it can be controlled by you but only within it's own parameters and your own pain threshold.

[PretzelGirl]

Mary, it is interesting how you speak of being able to stop daily but starting being a one time decision. One of my fears of therapy was that in a sense, it was starting the clock. As much as I feel that being fulltime is certainly something I would embrace, there is always the fear of the unknown and lets face it, until you do something yourself, it is an unknown.

So when you ask what my emotions are when I try to be slower logically, it isn't a big collision. But it is part of the swirl that I have to work through. It is all part of the package of our minds where the emotions wrap up the desires and the logic exercises the cautions. So I would say they don't conflict as much as they work together to help me find my way.

[mary something]

It is all part of the package of our minds where the emotions wrap up the desires and the logic exercises the cautions. So I would say they don't conflict as much as they work together to help me find my way.

What specifically happens when logic exercises the cautions? Are you using your logic (cognitions, ego, etc) to produce certain emotions inside yourself? Do those self-produced emotions cause enough of a swirl to cloudy up the water?

Does it help if you consider that the clock began a long time ago and it ends when it is done with you not when you feel done with it?

I think one of the hallmarks of gender dysphoria is self manipulating our emotions done from such an early age that we simply think that what is abnormal is normal and vice versa. Fear is the tool we use against ourselves.

The world we live in encourages black/white thinking even in terms of gender with the binary, capitalism with profit and loss, religion with damned and saved, and sports with winners and losers. Male and female are not opposites but simply different in the same way that coins have two sides, the way that our society constructs those gender ideals make them dependent upon each other for meaning. You probably have the capability of expressing either side of the coin inside you and that is a difficult concept to be comfortable with because our language and culture denies the possibility of a singularity.

You can be anything you wish to be to achieve balance Sue, and any decisions made can be unmade because it is living our experiences that make us what we are not a label, word, or pill. All experiences are self-confirming in one manner or the other and the only thing that we can't do is learn from an experience we haven't had yet.

Trust the feelings that come from the heart, pay attention to the feelings that come from the head but don't live your life according to them but in a manner consistent with minimizing them. Most importantly trust yourself because you've made it this far and done a really good job of it. Hope 2014 is a great one for you!

[PretzelGirl]

Part of my personality is that I think things through to completion and the various paths. Serves me well at work as most people live in the moment. For this, I have pretty much three outcomes in mind going into therapy. One is transition, one is long term therapy if I am not there yet, and one is I am good right where I am. So with the first one being recognized, my mind shot off into the timing of it all. In other words, the clock starts with the therapy, then HRT, and once there you are likely to make a transition plan before too long as after some period of time you can't hide it. Of course reality will probably be the unknown choice #4. You can never predict everything.


What specifically happens when logic exercises the cautions? Are you using your logic (cognitions, ego, etc) to produce certain emotions inside yourself? Do those self-produced emotions cause enough of a swirl to cloudy up the water?

I believe I use the logic to make sure I don't make emotional decisions that I find weren't correct later. Like I say above to JAS, I tend to think things through a lot. Sometimes that probably saves me and sometimes it probably holds me back. I don't think the emotions change any because of it, but they are also never diminished.



You can be anything you wish to be to achieve balance Sue, and any decisions made can be unmade because it is living our experiences that make us what we are not a label, word, or pill. All experiences are self-confirming in one manner or the other and the only thing that we can't do is learn from an experience we haven't had yet.

I agree. But I also feel that even though something can be unmade, there are irreversible outcomes that go with these decisions. So the care should be done before making that decision rather than at any point after.


Trust the feelings that come from the heart, pay attention to the feelings that come from the head but don't live your life according to them but in a manner consistent with minimizing them. Most importantly trust yourself because you've made it this far and done a really good job of it. Hope 2014 is a great one for you!

That trust will be the hardest thing for me given the way I am wired. But that is why I am seeing someone to guide me I suppose. Have a great 2014 Mary!