Not so recent realizations

[Christina8]

I have always felt that I didn't belong in my male body, however have just recently been compelled to think of myself as transsexual. Thank you to a couple members here. I am however married with a non tolerant wife. This makes things difficult... However thank you to a couple members here, I think I am coping. I usually feel guilty when I let Christina out or I feel hypocritical when I let Tim out, but this week I have felt good either way. I'm getting ready to go on a 5 day vacation with my wife and family and I am looking forward to it. Hope I don't relapse into feeling fake to be Tim for that many days in a row. Tim has been dominant the last 2 days and it's been nice not feeling out of place or guilty for once.

[Rianna Humble]

Sounds like you may have the dysphoria under control for now. Hope you enjoy the time with your family and glad this forum has been of some help.

[mary something]

I'm glad you're not feeling out of place or guilty! Hope you enjoy your vacation with your family. Accepting who and what we are helps us control those feelings of guilt and anxiety because it is impossible to be what you are not. Some of your time is Tim's it seems and some of it belongs to Christina. Now you're simply talking about how to divide your time and hopefully can fully enjoy your life either way enough that if a span of time is out of your control it doesn't make you feel bad.

Do you have to look or dress like Christina to let her express herself a little when people are seeing you as Tim?

[Christina8]

OK... So for the last 5 years or so I have been having pain and general discomfort in my Male parts. (not sure if I can use that word here) any way, my urologist had (a few years ago) said it was a blockage in my seminal vessel and put me on antibiotics. The pain became discomfort all the time and pain only occasionally. Well for the past month or so it has become pain with occasional discomfort. He now thinks it's something called vericoselles, or varicose veins called by a bad valve or two which is causing blood to pool up down there and causing selling of the veins and everything they are attached to. Which in turn causes pain... He put me on flow max and says the next step is more antibiotics, but he wants to do this over the course of the next 3 months. I feel like I'm losing my mind cause of pain, I woke up 6 times last night feeling like I had been kicked and I can't sit, stand or anything comfortably. I have read stories and reports about guys with this problem and the only treatment that seems effective is orchiectomy. That is something that most of the time I hope for (spent a lot of years wanting and trying to cause that same thing) but then there are those times that I feel like it's wrong... I don't seem to have a lot of choices, either love in pain or remove them. Just a step in a healthy direction I think, I just don't think I can handle the pain for as long as it seems my doctor wants to take to get there...

[Cheyenne Skye]

I too had a varicose vein in my left testicle. At the same time, I had an inguinal hernia. When the doctor did surgery to repair the hernia, he also fixed the varicose vein. This was done by a urologist. I know it's probably not who you want to hear, but you don't have to have an orchiectomy to get this fixed. You might want to get a second opinion.

[Daphne Renee]

Hope you enjoy your vacation. As for your pain.. talk to your doctor and see what your options are. Also I dont think wanting to make someting happen will necessarily male it so. I seriously doubt you wanted extreme pain. I wouldnt beat myself up over something like that.

[Christina8]

In a dark, secret... Obvious... Sort of way I want an orchiectomy... I don't intend to stop complaining about pain til my testicles are removed.... For whatever psychological reason there may be, I will go with the fact that I don't want to live in pain and discomfort. Besides, I can still please my wife after the testicles are removed, I will just need a pump. My real reasons (at least the ones I have consciously processed are that from what I've read ;sex lasts longer, orgasms (while fewer due to being harder to achieve) are better, there won't be any more embarrassing random erections, I will be calmer, my chance of prostate cancer (which my father had and his father died from) will be greatly reduced... And besides, my panties will fit better. I just want it done and thankfully I seem to have a medical problem that is best cured that way. I just hope it's soon cause the pain is real and I'm miserable with it...