My daughter, seems I have lost her UPDATE

[Rachel Smith]

As good as transition has gone for me I think it now has it's first casuality, my daughter. Actually she is my step-daughter but she has always considered me her Dad just as I considered her my Daughter. I raised her since she was 3 and she has no contact with her biological father.

The last time we talked I asked her what they wanted for Christmas. I had already gotten my granddaughter a sweatshirt from Myrtle Beach and my son-in-law a shot glass, he collects them. Anyway, she told me she would like anything with a butterfly and a gift certificate from Cabela's so they could get the granddaughter some stuff for her bow and some camping supplies.

I got her some solar butterfly pathway lights and a $75.00 gift cert. to Cabelas.

She sent me a text saying they enjoyed the presents and thanking me.

I sent everyone in my family a Christmas card with a picture of me enclosed. She said she is glad she didn't let the granddaughter open it, again by text. I called her and left a voicemail on her cell asking her to call me so we can talk. The next TEXT I got basically said, I am too busy now for that. Too busy for Dad? "F" you is what I wanted to text her but said nothing instead.

All this from the person that said, if that's what you need to do to be happy go do it. That appears to be mostly lip service now.

My granddaughter is 13 and Currie doesn't want to tell her. All my niece's and nephew's have been told and even the 12 year old nephew is ok with it. He told my sister it's ok Mom I knew something was different about Uncle Randy before you said a word. Now I have an Aunt Rachel instead.

I just don't how to handle this. My parents raised my siblings and me to accept people for what they are and only judge them by how they treat you. Aparently my sisters and brother all got that same message through to their kids and I failed with mine.

I do know I am tired of kissing her a** about this so I guess I will let her have the ball. If she calls, she calls and if she doesn't, she doesn't. I feel used and abused just the same as she did to me last Christmas.

:Angry3:
Rachel

[MarciManseau]

Give it time, it's a busy season and I'm sure she's tired. Don't make any rash decisions, please. In a few weeks, I'm sure it will all be fine.

Hugs and a Happy Hew Year.

[kimdl93]

The best thing to do is give her time and space to adjust. You can't force it.

[Di]

I agree just give it time.....I know in my life I just been through a hectic crazy week with the holidays. So do like you said....let the ball in her court.

Best Wishes:hugs:

[Krististeph]

Everyone has to have time to process, some take longer than others. Perhaps she does not want to talk about the subject until she is able to express what she wants to without saying something that might come out wrong. That's how i sometimes react with info I may have mixed feelings about.

Don't push too hard, but don't drop contact. if you feel you need some kind of closure, you might consider letting her know in some way that you don't have to talk about it now, (but you wanted to be honest with her).

The only advice i might suggest is to stay away from deadlines or ultimatums, which might be hard if she is not forthcoming, but let her know it would mean a lot to you. Perhaps you could enlist the help of your brothers and sisters?

good luck, keep the faith, and don't let it get you down too much. Everyone is different, and it's not always due to the parents- we inherit our grandparents' genes after all, not our parents...

hope this helps.

[Angela Campbell]

It happens. I think I have lost my son. I told him in August and have not seen him since. Last week I went to My Mothers house for the week - he lives there - and he was gone the entire week. Never even came to get his presents or to tell anyone where he is. Just not there.

You just cannot control how others react to anything, you can only control how you behave. I am going to go on and live my life, and if others want to be in it I am always welcoming and if you do not then with sadness I will go on. Time will tell.

[mary something]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this situation. It's a difficult circumstance for everyone in their own way. Posting here is a good choice to vent those feelings. Try to give it time and maybe having a conversation about anything but transition with your daughter would help? What happened last Christmas? Would talking about it here help to put it to rest?

[donnalee]

Rachel, please try not to jump to conclusions. She may have other things going on in her life that you're not aware of. I know that you feel hurt and neglected, but a "wait and see" approach may help you more. If she doesn't get in touch before the New Year, a call or email would be appropriate.
And have a Happy New Year,
Donna

[JamieLeigh]

When I first began my transition all three of my sisters accepted me. I'm not sure but I think they must have believed it was a phase that would pass. That did not last long, now neither of my sisters have any contact with me. You have to do what's right for you ! We all deserve to be happy and love should be unconditional. I wish you Peace and Happiness in the New Year !

[barbaraclothes]

Tough time of the year , people are so stressed out and overwhelmed give it a month or so and see what happens.

[mikiSJ]

I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone to be totally accepting of YOUR life change.

Like Angela, I may lose my adult son when I tell him I am going to transition in 2014. Even though I raised him from age 8, it his life he needs to live from now on, not mine.

I hope you and your daughter can reconcile in the future. But if you can't, you can't and you have the rest of your family who knows and accepts Rachel - and that will be good.

[Leah Lynn]

Rachel, I am sorry to hear this, but everyone has to live his/her own life. I only suggest that you always leave the door open for her.

Hugs,

Leah

[Nicole Erin]

Step-family relationships are never easy. It has been the butt of a few jokes and movie themes (Cinderella's wicked step-mother. beat someone like a red-headed step child...)

Is there anything else going on? For most of us, we have found that our transition does not usually change anything with friends or relatives unless there is a history of other problems. In that case, transition is nothing more than the final straw. Transition is seldom the only thing.

[Kimberly Kael]

Is there anything else going on? For most of us, we have found that our transition does not usually change anything with friends or relatives unless there is a history of other problems. In that case, transition is nothing more than the final straw. Transition is seldom the only thing.

I beg to differ, as I've seen transition drive wedges in family relationships like nothing else. It's usually a bigger deal with family than friends or coworkers, perhaps in part because they've known us for so long, and in part because they define themselves in terms of us. My father is clearly not able or willing to acknowledge me as his daughter, so we haven't seen each other in four years. It's often a matter of our family members worrying about what other people will think of them as a result, I'm sorry to say.

[Angela Campbell]

I think there is something there. I have noticed many people want to make this all about themselves when it is really all about me. Yes it does effect them some but it is not something done to them. Some who do not know how to handle it seem to find it easy to ignore it by not being around the one transitioning, that way it isn't real. (to them)

Yes sometimes just the transition alone can cause a relationship to go 180.

[mary something]

I think that sometimes (at least in my experiences with family) people will allow that wedge that Kimberly speaks of to motivate them maybe even unconsciously to find other things to disagree over. I've seen this play out my entire life almost lol, and it's a lot easier for someone to not accept something for a valid reason than an invalid one. When we tell somebody that we want them to accept us as we are there is a pressure that the other person feels to do so. Maybe by dealing with the other issues separately and not letting the relationship get derailed over any other disagreement it can keep the focus on acceptance. It doesn't guarantee it but at least it keeps the train on the tracks for now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think that's a good point.. the wedge is there, and because the person feels forced to be ok with something that they can't control, it can fester and come out in other ways...

Feelings are feelings...you can't create them for others, and you can't force them...

One thing i know i did in transition was force myself on people because i felt a need to tell people...
you including that picture sent her to another place...you can't change the past but be careful about pushing too hard...let people come to you....there is no reason to send people pictures of you unless they ask


Also, be careful of absolutes... I lost her, I'll never get her back..etc.... those don't help you and they are just thoughts you are having , there is no way to know if they are true or not...

I'm sorry it happened, and I'm sure it hurt! But letting it lie for now is the best move, and its not kissing anybodies anything.

[KellyJameson]

Transitioning is a litmus test of all those you will come in contact with. We live in a world that closely ties the sexual physical with gender in that your gender is how you are born physically.

Only those who take the time to learn how precariously these two things are tied together or have moved beyond needing to live in a cookie cutter world where everyone is the same and acknowledges individuality will truly be open to accepting you.

Many will accept you to your face because it is the politically correct socially sanctioned behavior to do so but not behind your back so will distance themselves from you using all the ways available to do this.

There are many obstacles to truly accepting transsexuals "who transition" in that acceptance becomes much more difficult once transition becomes physically apparent.

You can bend gender but the consequences increase once you "break it " and step over that invisible line that is the same but different from person to person.

There are very few transsexuals who have not been called selfish or delusional as they transition.

Cruelty and rejection by others come with the territory and why the defense mechanisms put in place by most transsexuals are so difficult to overcome. They are necessary to the psyche for survival.

In my opinion transitioning is always answering the question "What you need most" so it forces you to live a very specific heirarchy of needs or you cannot transition and this requires great sacrifice and why many who start never complete their transition. They simply become exhausted and hit a wall because the costs become greater than their ability to pay.

Even once you transition I see no other choice but to try and go stealth if you want to reduce the costs of being transsexual.

[Eryn]

She may have closed her door for the moment, but she may find a reason to open it again. If she does, and finds your door closed because of your frustration then the situation will never remedy itself.

Concerning your granddaughter, her parents are the ones who make the decision to tell or not to tell. If all the other young folks in the family know of you then she'll find out pretty quickly anyway.

[mary something]

I think that's a good point.. the wedge is there, and because the person feels forced to be ok with something that they can't control, it can fester and come out in other ways...

Feelings are feelings...you can't create them for others, and you can't force them...


Yes I think that is exactly it Kaitlyn, it's easy to confuse the cracks around the wedge as separate wedges. However it is possible to help others create certain feelings and it is definitely possible to force a feeling on someone. Wouldn't you agree?

[stefan37]

you most certainly can help others create a feeling about you. I don't think you can force others to have a positive feeling. we can only control our own feelings. All others are out of our control. we can show them what we are doing is making a difference in our lives and hopefully they see it and come around.

Rachel give your daughter the space she needs. As hurtful as it is, you need to take the high road. let her know you will always be available if she needs you. She is hurt she lost the male figure that was her father. She is trying to protect your grandchild. It is her right to do so. Unless your grandchild lives in a vacuum she will find out despite her mother's protection.

[Foxglove]

Rachel, I'd echo what a lot of others are saying here: be patient, don't do anything rash, give it time.

Last Christmas I spent 4 days at my son's place, and this was the first time he'd seen me after my coming-out. I got the impression from him that he was perfectly cool with it.

A short time later, however, I suggested another get-together, and he plainly said he just wasn't ready for it. I'd misinterpreted his initial reaction completely.

So we had a bit of a cooling-off period. Over subsequent months we'd meet up in a town halfway between us for the afternoon, or we might meet up for a short while in Dublin where he lives. We'd have little get-together's like that.

Not too long ago, when we were together for the day, he told me he was beginning to get used to it. This Christmas we spent three days together at his place, and he had absolutely no problem. These things can take time.

You need to be aware of your personal circumstances. In our case, my son and I have always been particularly close because I was on my own with him from the time that he was two. I'd be someone very big in his life, and to change his image of me would not at all be easy for him.

Also, you can't know what exactly is going on in his heart. He will react to something totally differently from the way I will. E.g., not long ago we were in a pub one afternoon when a group of women came in and sat down across from us. They kept their conversation mostly among themselves, of course, but we did exchange remarks with them from time to time, and one of the women twice referred to me as "this lady".

That was no big deal for me. I'd already got used to things like that. But I think it was a bit of a shock for him, seeing other people perceiving and treating me as a woman. We can't see into their hearts, so we can't know exactly what this means to them.

We want understanding from them, but we need to extend it to them as well. What we want can be difficult for them to give. Unless we want to lose them altogether, I think it's a good idea to be patient when the situation requires it.

Good luck. I know what a child means to you.

[Rachel Smith]

First let me say thank you to all that have posted suggestions on how to move forward with this.

I am not about to close the door on my daughter. I love her and would never do that. I am going home for Easter so we will see what happens then. Until then I will sit in the back seat and let her drive. It was just so painful when she didn't call me after I ask her to but sent me a text instead. It was like she was saying that she can't or won't even talk to me.


Krististeph
good luck, keep the faith, and don't let it get you down too much. Everyone is different, and it's not always due to the parents- we inherit our grandparents' genes after all, not our parents...

hope this helps.

Agreed but our parents teach us values and that is what I feel I failed at.


mary something
What happened last Christmas? Would talking about it here help to put it to rest?

The granddaughter wanted a bow for target archery. I scraped together every penny I could and bought her a $500.00 compound bow and even offered to help pay for lessons. That bow has been under her bed since the day they took it home. Why spend so much you ask, well at least that's what my therapist ask, because she is my granddaughter and if it turns out she can't do it or just plain old looses interest it won't because of bad equipment.


Nicole Erin

Is there anything else going on? For most of us, we have found that our transition does not usually change anything with friends or relatives unless there is a history of other problems. In that case, transition is nothing more than the final straw. Transition is seldom the only thing.

Only the divorce between her Mother and me.


Kaitlyn Michele

One thing i know i did in transition was force myself on people because i felt a need to tell people...
you including that picture sent her to another place...you can't change the past but be careful about pushing too hard...let people come to you....there is no reason to send people pictures of you unless they ask

She has seen many other pics of me and even me from when I used to crossdress. I sent one to all my family in their cards. Perhaps it was that Rick, Michelle, their granddaughter went together to get them taken by a professional and that is something we never did as a family with Currie. I had previously emailed her the same picture and her comment was I can see how happy you are now when I look at that picture.


KellyJameson
Even once you transition I see no other choice but to try and go stealth if you want to reduce the costs of being transsexual.

The one exception I have made to my transition was that I told Currie that if she wanted me to present as male for Azzy I would do that for her but for no one else.

Thank you all for being here for me. I hope I can return the favor someday.
Rachel

[mikiSJ]

Rachel - I haven't followed all of your threads, but:

Only the divorce between her Mother and me.

Don't you think that may be the real problem with your daughter?

[docrobbysherry]

Back in high school, a girl I knew pretty well and liked suddenly showed up with a new nose. For whwatever reason, I no longer felt comfortable around her. Whether I felt betrayal, a sudden change in her, or something else, I don,t know. She never changed in how she treated me but I treated her like a stranger. That was 50 years ago and I still don,t understand what I felt or why I treated her so badly.

Maybe your daughter is struggling with herself,too?

[GaleWarning]

I think it was a mistake to send the Christmas Card with your picture on it. Too "in your face", too soon, IMHO.
The trick is to carry on with your life as though nothing has changed. In many ways, nothing has!

My advice is similar to others which have already posted.

Say nothing, do nothing. Let your step-daughter get back to you in her own time.

I don't think you have lost her. I think that she really WAS too busy over the festive season to worry about family issues. I think that, when you call to wish her a happy new year, things will be better.

[mary something]

It was like she was saying that she can't or won't even talk to me.

yes, that is an incredibly bad feeling that I think just has to be experienced to know what it is like. It feels like complete and total rejection of us, when it's only in fact a rejection of a request, but it has never felt that way to me at the time and it's difficult to separate strong emotions and thoughts and untangle them while enmeshed in the feelings. Maybe she was just trying to get some time to reply? It doesn't have to mean no permanently, it could also be saying "let me think for little bit". I don't have any ideas or knowledge about the bow but 13 year old girls are unpredictable sometimes and parenting them can be difficult because there is a lot of changes happening socially, emotionally, and physically. Sorry you had to feel this, just don't beat yourself up over it because it seems like maybe you are a little bit.



Agreed but our parents teach us values and that is what I feel I failed at.
I think you're being too hard on yourself here! She might have been too overwhelmed to be able to have a good discussion, she didn't say anything mean or offensive. You haven't done anything wrong! :hugs:

[Rachel Smith]

Seems like those of you that said, she most likely was just busy or the pic was too much were correct. I received a package from them, her and the granddaughter, yesterday. It contained a couple things from Azzy that she made just for me at school and some pictures of her. Currie picked out a pair of women's Chicago Bears knee highs for me. How sweet is that? Yes I am a Bears fan and they will go perfectly with my Bears cheerleaders uniform. Yes I am aware the Bears don't have cheerleaders, but I am getting off topic here.

I just wanted to say thank you to those that helped keep me grounded during my time of doubt.

We had a nice phone conversation about what we each did during the holidays. Nothing about transition, GD or any of that, just Dad and daughter stuff. It was really nice.

Thank you
Rachel:)

[stefan37]

Glad things have settled down. It is nice talking to family and friends when we converse without needing to talk about trans issues.
Good things for the future and your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren

[mary something]

that's great Rachel! Sounds like they found you a gift that's perfect for you :)

[chelyann]

thats great news
we were hoping for the best , holidays are tough sometimes ;)

[donnalee]

"Don't panic!" - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Something I have learned over the years as I have always had an emotional response to perceived potential threats. This can be a very dangerous thing if you misread the situation and have the wrong reaction to it.
I am so glad to hear that things are working out.

[Di]

Good to hear!!!:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: