I'm confused...

[ShadowWarryor]

I'm rather new to this... Literally. Anyways, for awhile i've wondered many things but one seems to stand out the most. Whilst the thought of transitioning to a male brings me the greatest joy, i seem to find myself holding myself back? Like, i am a male, but i am attracted to how i look as a girl? But at the same time it pisses me off because it's not who i am. I'm not sure what to do about this? I'm so confused.... I really want to transition so i can fully embrace who i am, instead of a lie i find myself living.

[Wildaboutheels]

I now see you have your second post in Intros explaining yourself and situation so my original response is N/A.

[ShadowWarryor]

True. I must follow which way that feels the best to me. I sometimes just think I long for a companion that accepts me for who I am, and not hold back because of what everyone wants/expects me to be.
Even so I do like men, which would make me a gay male. But being as gay men like men, I feel as if I come up short because of the punishment I've been placed in. So I'm seen as a girl anyways. Which makes it rather difficult. I do like women. But I don't exactly see myself with one, as I would a man.
I want to start transitioning soon, but I know I have to tell my mother first... I am
Afraid she might not take it well. I have so much on my plate, it feels so nice to let things out and actually talk about it rather than have the anger/frustration build up...
Thanks

[Angela Campbell]

You are not alone. You sound like your experiences are the mirror image of mine. I was born with male attributes physically but I am really female, I like girls. This path is not easy for any of us but we do usually find a way to get through it. I wish you the best.

[MarciManseau]

I think you already know what you want, but if you're unsure, then I'd strongly suggest seeing a gender counselor. I know that did wonders for me. Please consider seeing someone.

All the best to you :)

[Rachelakld]

Here is my thoughts on the subject, be whoever you need to be (because you are here to be you, not to please someone else).
Once that is achieved, you will find the right person.

Hope things go well with your mum, mums are generally good with loving their children regardless.

[ShadowWarryor]

My whole life I've struggled being who I am, because I would always be someone everyone wanted me to be, especially my mother.. I've tried hinting at it to her. And asked her, "What if you was your son, not your daughter." She didn't seem to take it too well and told me I have too much time on my hands... How can I have too much time if I've been feeling it my whole life? She claims she knows me better than I do. She doesn't even know half of me. The person she knows isn't me at all. It's a play/act just to make her happy. But who's happiness is it robbing just to make her happy? Mine.. Now I want to be happy. Not miserable and angry all the time.

[Rachelakld]

Sorry about your mum, but you should still be you, and I hope she can get over it quickly.

There comes a time we must leave our parents and find our own mate, but you really should be you first, otherwise you end up with someone attracted to the non-you, and you act out the rest of your life to make them happy, like you have for mum.

Intolerant / abusive parents can turn off their love, I don't understand how they can but my girls bio-father has managed it without missing a kill on his gaming computer (power outage would cause him more grief).

[ShadowWarryor]

It's quite shocking how that's possible to "turn off their love", it's also hurtful though. And i hope she does too, if not then i don't need that kind of negativity in my life. At least my dad seems pretty cool about it.

[rah]

@ShadowWarryor don't force yourself into doing something that you might regret later

[ShadowWarryor]

@ rah
I'll keep that in mind thanks. Last thing I would want to do is hurt my mother in any way. I actually plan to go off away from home and get out more, so I can experience life without feeling held back by parents (mom and step-father) who see me differently. I am planning on writing them a letter and coming out to them in that letter. But... I'm lost for words on just how to bring about it and hopefully they can see how I feel through that letter. I'll talk to them. It may be awkward but it must be done.

[rah]

@ShadowWarryor i just want to say there is a difference between looking like a man and being a man. a man is measured by the way he face situation and not how he looks. u said u like how u look like as a girl, (its just my personal opinion) i think u r much conformable as girl and if you want to be more masculine try be more confident and rather than running away face the situation

[ShadowWarryor]

@rah
I may like how I look as a girl only because I am personally attracted to it. That doesn't exactly mean I enjoy or even like it. I hate it. I hate everything about being one. It's not me. I've tried being the man in a lot of situations. Some I have succeeded but most I am put down because of how I look. I don't like being a small little girl. It bothers me greatly. From time to time I enjoy dressing up. But shortly after dressing girly I get pissed and resort to basketball shorts and a tank. I can't stand bras. I can't stand make up. I can't stand even looking girly. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone entirely different when I dress girly. I don't see me.
As for running away, I am facing myself. As I've said before I am fairly new to coming out, mainly because of fear of what my family would think. I'm finally breaking chains and breaking this prison I seemed to have put myself in to hide who I am. I've had enough lying trying to be someone I'm not. I am a man. And I will not let anyone say otherwise on who I am.

[JenniferR771]

Shadow, thanks for coming here to open up about your self and your thoughts. You sound very perceptive. Not selfish to my way of thinking. Its OK to be unsure. We all are. It takes time for your personality to gel. Mum may not understand at first. And yes, it will be a bit easier when you get your own place and become independent. No need to rush. Introspection not required. Just be you and respect yourself for what you are...a wonderful human being, Shadow.

And...perhaps you are in exactly the right place...you like men, fine. You like girls, better fine. How do you feel about attractive girly men? Somewhere there is a match for your situation and gender target. Intelligent, caring, pretty face, a flair for fashion and great hair. Hit the back button. When you have 10 posts, explore around for the cute photos, and intelligent writing.

[allison_mx]

omg ur in the kinda different than me i am a male who really is a girl and loves being a gril and is transitioning to being a girl, and as i feel as being a normal girl i love boys because thats what i feel as normal

[Kate Simmons]

Just remember Shadow, we are your friends and are here for you no matter what. I know it can be confusing at times but I've found that really getting to know yourself and your feelings is the greatest challenge we all face. :)