I need help and advice

[worried]

I have just found out that my husband of 21 years has been a cross dresser since before we were married. I desperatley need someone to talk to so that I may try to understand the whole thing. There are so many questions unanswered. Help! what am I to do?
I feel so hurt, angry and betrayed.

[Sonia]

Hello
I'm very new to this crossdresser's forum so may not be really qualified to comment. But since you situation seems remarkably similar to my own I felt that perhaps my comment may be useful.
(I make the assumption that his X dressing is in private.)
I suspect that despite his need to dress in female clothing, at times, this doesn't in any way detract from how he feels towards you. The fact that some of us males appreciate the softness and comfort of female attire and want more than just to look at it doesn't for a moment diminish our love and affection for the 'real' women in our lives.
If you are both able to accept that in this day and age many of we supposedly 'macho' males have a much greater feeling for the traditional 'female ' traits such as caring, gentleness and empathy, then if this comes clothed in soft and sexy garments really where is the harm.
I love my wife dearly and if she were to learn of, and accept, my periodic need to dress, it would only further enhance our love.
You are one step ahead of us. You have learned of your husband's need. Turn it into a big positive.
I send a big hug to you both
Sonia

[Lisa Golightly]

I think the best place to start is to talk to your husband. Always remember that the lie was lived through a fusion of love for you and fear of rejection. Take it slow, and talk, talk, talk.

Lisa x

[Bobbi_Gurli]

I would suggest going to http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13

They have a good support group of GG's (Genuine Girls) who are married to crossdressers. I think you'll find sympathetic help there from women who are in similar situations.

[Claire]

There are thousands of us out here who are married and have been "crossdressing" since childhood in some fashion or another. We tried some of our mother's or sisters' panties or stockings, or we were dressed up in a costume or something as a child and loved it. There are women who love to dress as men. As a matter of fact, women's fashion has taken over a lot of the male fashion. Women wear slacks and jeans - those are men's clothing. Women's shoes are starting to look like men's. Women's business suits have slacks and ties. Women's underwear is also becoming more like men's - cotton rather than nylon. Is there anything wrong with the women? The Scotsmen were wearing kilts long before women were wearing skirts. Kings wore hose long before women did. What is it that your husband is wearing? It doesn't mean anything is wrong with him or that he loves you any less. You need to try to understand him.:angel:

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Hun...welcome...and I agree with Lisa's earlier comments...you gotta do a lot of talking...calmly if you can...and then do some more.!!!.Yours is such a common scenario...I have been there...but at least you have been intelligent and caring enough to try to find out a little more about what/who we are...that's a great start love...I assure you your Husband is in one Hell of a turmoil himself...it ain't easy for either party...but one thing for sure...I bet he absolutely loves you to bits and the last thing he wants to do is hurt you.!!! It can be done...honest...I now have a really supportive wife who sees the fun, the colour and the vibrancy of being TG...and still has a devoted husband. I wish you both the best of luck.
Love Nikki. x

[Fallen Angel]

Welcom to the forum worried,I can understand how you feel at this point with a lot of mixed feelings.Im like the rest of the girls here I think after you calm down I would try to talk to your spouse and try with a open mind and heart listen to what he has to say.Its going to be hard and confusing but you both have to talk and get it all out in the open.21 years of marrige is alife time to most and I wouldnt throw it all away just yet.We all have our own reasons why we do what we do and if you were to ask each of us we all have a different story to tell.No two are the same.Love and understanding is the key!! And if you didnt love him you wouldnt have joined here to ask for help.There is a side to this forum that you can join that is solely for GGs.Its a place where you can talk to some on and get help,support,and understanding about us as cders.I cant speak for the other girls here but Im just an e-mail away as well if you want to talk.My love and thoughts go out to you in hopes it gives you some kind of courage and that you may find understanding.xxxxx your freind angel

[RenaCD]

Hello worried and be very welcome! Angel's advise is all great. But first thing is thank couple of good deep breaths. This is all very new to my wife also and she is dealing with quite well almost better than I did for 40 some odd years. There are tons of resources here and other places YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! As my wonderful wife would say just keep talking and remember to breath! And I would ask you to listen to him very carefully with an open mind and heart. The Love is there or you wouldn't be here.
Your Both in Our Thoughts

[kathy gg]

Welcome to list and I wanted to mention that I also run a gg only group on yahoo (gg= genetic women only). If you might think that is something that interest you do let me know via a pm.

As for feeling confused and angry and wondering what to do, those are all normal feelings for you to have. That is a long time to be married and then find out this information. I am sure your husband has given you reasons why he choose to keep this from you for so long {fear of losing you, not much info available back then, maybe even hoped that marriage would cure this away ) so do listen to what he has told you.

Maybe just starting simple with a few conversations. You did not mention how you found this information out, which also might contribute to us giving more usefull advice. Keep posting and sharing and know that there are alot of gg's on this list who are working towards aceptance as well.

Hugs and talk again

[JocelynG]

Welcome worried. You have every right to be upset for being deceived all these years. Like the others have said the reason that most keep this from their SO is because they feel they won't understand and they think it will go away when they get married and then the deeper the relationship gets the harder it is to share it. Have a nice long chat with you husband after you emotions are in check. Good luck and we are here for you if you have any other questions

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Worried,

My wife discovered about my dressing almost 34 years after we were married. She came home unexpectedly one day from work and found me dressed. That was over two and a half years ago. We will celbrate our 36th annerversary this coming April. It has been difficult for both her and me. At this point in time she tolerates my dressing but hopefully in time she will come to understand and accept. Unlike you she refuses to reach out to learn or talk with other wives about their husband's dressing. Please be open to learning and talking with other wives, it is so critical to your well-being.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt you both need to be open and frank about your feelings on this. Your husband needs to be be 100% honest about the way he feels. We all know what he has gone through all these years and he may continue to talk with his shields up in an attempt alay your fears. Get him to open up to you even if it requires you to be very frank. And by the same token he needs to not only hear you but listen as well.

Try not to lose your temper and try to listen what he has to say. He will be able to answer most of your questions but perhaps some of your questions simply will not have answers. I've been dressing for over 50 years and, although I have accepted myself fully, I still do not have answers to some of the questions I have had through the years.

It will probably be difficult for a while for both of you but if you have a true and loving marriage you both will be able to work through this.

I can only relate how things are in my marriage....I love my wife dearly, always have. My need to crossdress in no way changes my love for her, our family or friends. Crossdressing and my feminine qualities are just a part of me that has always been there. My basic personality can be attributed to both my male and my female side. For me, the need to fulfill my feminine desires is in dressing as a woman.....I don't want to be a woman, I simply want to be able to be a whole person.

Hugs,
Becky

[CharleneCD]

First let me say that you are in the right place to get the answers you need and I applaud you for taking the time to educate yourself before making any final decisions.

While I understand your feelings of betrayal, I ask you to keep in mind that in general crossdressers are not generaly accepted by society and many of the gals learned early on to hide what they do, even from ones they love. Also I cant think of the number of times I have read where girls vow to give up dressing when they get married. But this is something that is a part of us so it never goes away. So keep in mind that is was not likely his intention to hurt you when he deceived you. He probobly thought he was doing what was right.

Now, get involved in this forum. Read the threads and ask questions. The more knowledge you have the better. If your husband is not involved in any groups like this, he may not fully understand himself, and talking to him now might not give good results. If he does understand himself, you need to be up to speed so that you fully understand what you are getting into. Then it is time for talk, talk, and more talk with your husband. Take your time to learn about this side of him and your reactions to it. Get counseling if needed.
While Being in a CD relationship has its dificulties, the rewards can be great. You will quickly see that we crossdressers love and worship (No I dont think worship is too strong a word) the genetic women who love and support us. It can provide new experiences and even improve a long standing relationship by breathing new life into it.

Lastly I will leave with a saying of my wife's. "He is the same person I fell in love with, he just sometimes dresses funny".

[Lawren]

Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place. There are a lot of nice ladies and GGs here who can offer you truckloads of good advice. You have already conquered the first big obstacle: you didn't run away from him screaming. That is the first and most important step toward accepting that he is still the man you fell in love with. Only his clothes have changed. Please feel free to ask any question, no matter how silly it seems. I'm sure that some one will help you find the answer. Please keep in mind that he has most probably been struugling for 21 years about telling/not telling you. That is a terrible battle that we all go thru. Even a little acceptance form you will go a long way toward solving any dilemnas.

[Anita Mae GG]

Hi Worried,

My husband told me before we were married but only a quarter of the story, that was 5 years ago. He told me the WHOLE story a few months ago. I was scared had all the normal reactions, is he gay? does he want to be a woman?etc. Well for most CD's the answers to those are NO and NO.

You have to be OPEN and willing to discuss EVERYTHING about his with EACH OTHER. That is the key to success. I was scared but once we talked and i educated myself here and from articles I read on Laurasplayground.com and I ordered the book "My husband wears my clothes). Educate and communicate. PLain and simple. Every wife is different. Some don't accept at all, some only want them to CD when they are not home, others like me fully participate and help them and buy them clothes. You need to find where your comfort zone is. Your husband is terrified right now, that you think he is NOT a MAN, that you will leave etc. Find where YOU stand with this news. Then go from there. You can't try to accpet anything unless you know how you truly feel about it (if you are willing to even CONSIDER accepting it). SO get the info, talk ot him and figure out how you really feel. You may find (like I did) that it isn't a big deal, it's just clothes.....my husband is still the sexy man that I married and when he is Danielle he is a sexy woman...Hope I helped.;)
Tammy

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Worried

Welcome to the forum

I suggest you join the GG section,

However much we like to think we can help or understand, I would suggest only a Genetic Girl who has been through the same experience can really help.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck resolving this.

I hope it has a happy outcome.

Take Care

[Sarahgurl371]

Dear Worried,
It seems as though you are on the right path. Information can never hurt a situation, and I applaud you for trying to learn.

My wife and I have been dealing with all this stuff for over 2 years now, and her lack of trying to understand me sure is not helping. Not assigning blame here.

Just communicate, be extremely honest with each other. Be prepared to hear things that taken on thier face may hurt your feelings. I know I have hurt hers and she has hurt mine.

Just know that he does not do this because of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has probably been doing this long before you ever met. Who knows why. It just is. This does not take away from his love for you. This does not say that you are not woman enough for him! He is different. That is it. He CDs becuase of himself. Please just understand that point. You are not to blame because he is a crossdresser!!!!!!!!!

I stress this because the last thing we want to do is hurt our wives. I know that maybe you cannot believe that right now. But I will bet that he has not told you in part because he doesn't want you to think that its because of you. Sure the fear of rejection, or humiliation, guilt, shame, they all are part of him keeping this secret. But I know that for me, the fear of what will this do to my wife, was overwhelming, and in truth that fear even caused me to not be so truthful even when we started discussing this stuff. It took me some time to realize that I needed to be perfectly crystal clear about my feelings.

I hope you get the answers you need, and God Bless!

[DonnaT]

Ask anything you'd like, we'll try and help.

You might try reading through http://www.3dcom.com/couples/vkol/COUPLES.HTML

And http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/

[suanne]

Hello worried. This is a very sobering letter. I am a crossdresser. I have been almost all of my life. My wife and I (in a few weeks) will be celebrating 40 years of marriage. I have known her since we were about 10 years old. She lived down the street from me. I have kept this part of my life hidden from her all of these years. She did catch me dressed years and years ago. It was pure hell for both of us. I went to see a shrink (no help) and she wanted rid of me. We worked it out. We don't and haven't talked about it since. I wish we could. I have tired so many times but I know what this will mean. I am not gay. I don't like guys (except as buddies) I don't want to be a woman. I like being a guy. But there is something on the inside of me that wants to dress in womans clothing. I can't explain it. I have tired to figure me out for years. If I can't figure me out nobody can. There you have it. There is alot more but I don't want to dribble on. If you have questions you would like to ask me (I wish you would) I would do my best to answer them. I know that everyone is different and we don't all act the same. But..... being a crossdresser most guys who are have alot of the same characteristics. It is good that you are seeking answers. It shows all of us that you love your husband. I bet you are very cautious about what he tells you now. You think "Do I believe this or not? "Correct? I (with all my heart) wish my wife and I could share this secret life of mine. One of the things we closet crossdressers (cders) fear is being found out by loved ones. Enough said from me. My invitation still stands. Private e-mail me if you would like.

Sincerely,

[Marla GG]

Hi worried,

Another crossdresser's wife here. First of all let me say how special you are for reaching out and wanting to talk to someone. You say you want to understand. That's the first step in toward coming to terms with this, and I'm sad to say a lot of wives never get that far.

Try not to get too bogged down in asking "why" your husband has these desires. The more theories I hear, the more I realize that no one really knows. It isn't important. What is important is that you start talking to him and find out what crossdressing means to him. As many others have said, crossdressers don't all feel the same way or have the same needs, so the only way to learn about your husband is to ask him. Understand that he might be embarrassed to open up to you, because this is a very vulnerable part of himself that he has kept hidden all his life and it is possible that he has never tried to explain it to anyone before. He may not even be very educated about it himself. But one thing is for sure: this is not going to go away. Asking him to quit is not an option. However, couples can and do work out compromises that keep both people happy. If you love each other and are willing to think about each other's needs, your marriage will survive and perhaps even become closer and more fulfilling now that your husband no longer has to hide this huge part of himself from you.

I urge you to keep learning, keep communicating, join the GG forum here for support, and know that you are not alone. I hope the replies you've received here have helped to reassure you a little.

[Sweet Susan]

I can only add two things, both of which have probably been covered. He didn't tell you because he feared the results, and I'm sure he was probably at least half right. The other reason probably has to do with his feelings of manhood. Big deal with most men, and perception is 9/10ths reality.

[Bonnie D]

Worried,

Along with taking the advice of the previous posts here are a couple of books that you may want to read after you've talked to your husband.

“My Husband Betty: Love, Sex and Life with a Crossdresser” by Helen Boyd

"My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Peggy Rudd, Ed.

They can be ordered through www.amazon.com

These books are very educational as well as the information you will find here on this excellent site.

You've taken a big step by coming here.

I hope it all works out for both of you.

Bonnie

[melissacd]

I have just found out that my husband of 21 years has been a cross dresser since before we were married. I desperatley need someone to talk to so that I may try to understand the whole thing. There are so many questions unanswered. Help! what am I to do?
I feel so hurt, angry and betrayed.

Worried,

I don't know if this helps give some perspective, but I just posted my thoughts on marital issues at http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20810

I am more than happy to provide you with any insights that I can that will hopefully help you with your situation. Please feel free to PM me or email me if you want to get my perspective.

The important things to remember are:

- cross dressing is not a disease, it is a gift
- cross dressing gives your husband qualities that you probably already like
- shared cross dressing can make a relationship deeper and more fulfilling if you give it a chance, I am sure that many GGs on this forum will attest to that
- being a cross dresser does not mean one is gay or wants to become a woman
- love and understanding can conquer all
- communication is key


Huggs
Melissa

[suanne]

Worried. I for one would like to know if you are reading all of these responses to your thread. Please let us know. There are a lot of people who really don't know you and are pouring their hearts out to you. You don't have to say much. Just let us know you are still there. We DO care.


Thanks hon.

Suanne

[Missy Anne's GG]

Dear worried,

My husband is a crossdresser also.

You must really love your husband greatly if you have come here for answers and guidance. You have found a very caring and compassionate place in which to express your fears. We are here to listen, console and help. Many of us have been in your shoes and have learned to accept through the knowledge found on this forum and in the GG area.

Please feel free to call upon us with your questions, concerns and fears.

We hope for the best for you and your husband.

Missy Anne's GG

[worried]

I have just read all the posts to my thread. Wow! Thank you all so much for your help and advice. I cannot still understand it all and dont think I will for some time but reading your replies has helped me in some way to understand what both sides go through. Lets hope it will be a happy ending.
Thanks again
Love
Worried x

[Sarahgurl371]

I wish you both well!