Lack of transitioners in their 30s

[Amy A]

Hi all,

One thing I've noticed is that when looking at what other people have put on the t'internet about their transitions, there's lots of people in their 20s, who usually post videos/pictures, then there's a lot of people in their late 40s/50s who contribute to forums like this.

I am 33, and will be starting hormones this year. As such I've been more interested in seeing how things turned out for people my age, but there's a real lack of information out there.

I'm guessing the main reason for this is that most people, if they don't transition early, try to build a male life for themselves and end up with a family. Their 30s are then spent trying to make that life work for the sake of others and out of fear of losing family.

I'd be interested to hear from anyone who transitioned in their 30s. I've heard some older transitioners claim that it's the worst time to transition (because apparently it's when people look the most like their birth sex), but I wouldn't want to leave it any later as I currently don't have a hugely masculine body, but I'd imagine that would change the closer I got to 40.

Thoughts?

[melissaK]

my life track supports your hypothesis about 30 somethings motives for not transitioning . . .

[Aprilrain]

I was 34 when I started this process, I just turned 38 and will be having SRS this summer. I've also noticed a lack of 30 something transitioners, as far as being the worst time to transition I have to disagree. My kids are young, accepting and adaptable, much more so than adults. Lets face it after puberty MOST TSes need at least some FFS (usually more than they think) even the little 20 somthings who think they are hot shit. I don't think waiting to look more feminine in your 40s and 50s is a good strategy : P

The fact remains transition is a struggle at any age but if it's something you need to do then there is no time like the present and I've never heard anyone say they wish they would have waited another 10 years!

[Amy A]

Oh don't worry I've no intention of waiting, I only mentioned that claim because I'm interested to know if it's genuinely true or not. Personally I don't believe it, and as far as how a person looks then that surely depends greatly on the individual.

April, I'm glad to read (and see) that your transition has been successful :). Did you have any support from any trans people your own age?

[KateConnors]

35 years old transitioner here! I started HRT at 32, and have been fulltime for around a year or so I think (it's been a very slow fuzzy transition).

Echoing April's comments, I think that one's 30s are a great time to transition given my child's acceptance (I embarked on upon transition before my daughter turned one), my career is on a solid foundation (I have my dream job, where transition on the job has gone without any issue at all), and my friends and family have been fully supportive (wife not withstanding).

Of course, like any other TS who transitions after their teenage years it's easy to have a moment of regret about not transitioning earlier, but then I just have to look at my daughter to banish that thought.

[Aprilrain]

Did you have any support from any trans people your own age?

No not really, most of the people that I know through my local support group are 40s, 50s. I feel that I have, for the most part, more in common with the older transitioners because I have kids, a house, an ex-wife and most importantly the means to transition (this is not cheep!) Most of the younger transitioners I've met really struggle financially.

[I Am Paula]

I read somewhere (TS roadmap?) That the majority begin transition at 20, or 50+, and, yes, you are not imagining a drop in the 30ish age bracket. It seems common, that even if we know we should, if we don't do it in our late teens, a huge number choose to live the illusion of the American dream, and marry, have kids, and get hopelessly into debt. Then we wake up at 50, ask ourselves 'What have we done?', and get on with the life we were supposed to have.
I fall into the 50+, and, although my life is very good right now, I can't help regretting not doing this thirty years ago.

[Angela Campbell]

In the years when I was 20 or so, it would have been impossible for me in suburban and rural south Ga to even think about something like transition. In fact it would likely have been very dangerous. Instead many of us attempted to deny or fight it and got married and had kids so the years in the 30's were full of other obligations and it just wasn't an issue until the kids started getting off on their own and finances kind of improved. Then "BAM" and there was so much less reason not to, that fighting it became less of an issue.

I have also never met someone who told me they don't wish they could have started sooner.

[JohnH]

Maybe for ones in their 50's there is the midlife crisis. At least that is what my wife thinks of me.

Johanna

[Nigella]

Another reason could be when the GD decides to hit you. I was content to dress which soothed the need for me. Indeed right up when I was 47, I considered myself a crossdresser, albeit out and about 24/7.

After seeing a "description" of a TS, I thought OMG that's me. Minor Depression hit and after seeking medical advice regarding this, also sought assistance to sort out my GD. After seeing the Gender Psychiatrist and talking through my past, a lot of which was kept hidden, he confirmed I was TS and that it had always been there, albeit under control.

Maybe them bouts of "pink fog" had nothing to do with the need to dress, just my GD trying to escape.

[laciewhite]

hi i'm not transitioning, i'm just yer average crossdressing guy (lol!) but i think its true what you say about your 30s being a time of living the 'normal life', whatever that is. i started dressing in my early teens and did it regularly though to my late 20s. then i got married and had my first kid at 28 yrs the spent all my 30s doing the family man thing. my youngest kid is now 7 so they're all at school and i work from home so now, in my forties, i finally have enough space and privacy to explore my feminine side again. and its great to be back!
as i said i have no interest in full transition or even living as a woman full-time just coming from a slightly different perspective.
and with my hetrosexual male head on i'd just like to say i think you look really pretty Amy and i wish you all the best for the future.

[Leah Lynn]

I'm going with Angela here. It was something we dreamed of, believing it couldn't happen for us, and it would possibly/probably lead to a violent death in rural America. I, too, lived in denial of my feelings, thinking marriage would change me. And, you need to remember, we didn't have the internet back then, so we had little chance of networking. If I could go back and do it earlier? Oh, hell yes!

Hugs,

Leah

[KayleeTaylor]

Like you Amy, I am 33 and going to start HRT this year. I tried to live the "so called" normal life in my 20's. Got married too young had my daughter too young, etc. Looking back, I am glad I didn't transition earlier, I like the life I have now and I love my daughter too much :) Now I am divorced, have sole parental rights and have the means to transition. If I would have stayed married, I would have stayed in the closet for anther 20 years. One of my friends who is the same age as me is also starting her transition. I think the time to transition is when you realize you need to transition and your life has a way of telling you when that need is going to happen. Sure, I coulda stayed married, been miserable and lived in a closet, but I didn't :)

[Amy A]

I guess the thing that stopped me doing it earlier was lack of information. The internet was very much in it's infancy and the only representations of trans people I saw were negative ones in the British media.

Anyway I suppose I'm unusual because I don't have children and wasn't married, although I was in a serious long term relationship which came to an end because I needed to transition. But it means that I'm 'free' to pursue my own wellbeing for a bit. I do also think that the gradual acceptance in society over the last few years has made this easier.

For me the support thing can be an issue; whilst I've met some lovely older transitioners, their problems and concerns are usually different to my own; for instance concerns with wives and children, and a lack of understanding from friends and family.

The younger people I know I have a lot more in common with, in matters trans and besides as well, so I tend to hang around with them a bit more, but they still differ from me in some areas. So it would have been nice to have met someone (in RL) who was my age and facing similar issues. Or at least just to have seen more about transitioners my age.

I know it sounds like I'm being ungrateful for people's kind support but I'm really not, I value it greatly. It's just everyone seems to be at a different stage in their life to me.

[mary something]

I think there are more transitioner's in their 30's than it seems, but at this age range we've had long enough since being teenagers to have a lot of different experiences that shape us. I started hrt in my mid thirties and haven't met anyone with similar issues that I have in my transition either.

[kimdl93]

First of all, 33 is young! Darned kids! But you pretty much nailed it. At 33 I was a dedicated underdresser, but also absorbed by guilt and self loathing. Like most young adults, my ideas about myself were I'll formed and I'll informed, shaped by societal perceptions and no direct reliable information. And I had a lovely wife, two kids, a house and job. I suppose the demands of living helped distract me from the inner conflict.

[Niya W]

I started hormones at30. 'm in group of gals that started hormones from 30-35.

[generalchaos34]

im not quite 30 yet myself (29!) but i have a feeling when i do start living full time i will be in my 30s, Im married but i have to kids so for me that would the best time since i will have the financial means to do so

[Megan G]

I am in my late thirties and only started hrt 5 months ago. Like the rest of you my story is very similar. I should have done it in my 20's before I was married and had my son but I was too busy trying to hide this from everyone. I tried my hardest to live as a normal male until it all came crashing down...

Do I regret it? No, I have the most amazing wife and son. Who knows what the future holds but for now I am content.

[Kimberly Kael]

I would believe that historically there were dramatically fewer who transitioned in their thirties, but I suspect it's on the rise. At one time you were either completely unable to function in society early on, or else you transitioned after retirement. Then it dropped from people in their 60s, to their 50s, and in the past few years I'd agree that 40s were the dominant story for transitioning later in life. Today, though? I see a lot starting down the path in the 20s and 30s.

I started taking steps in my late thirties, and the day before my 41st birthday is when I started working with HR to transition on the job.

[Angela Campbell]

Some of that is because it is more acceptable now than it ever was before. 30 years ago I could not imagine any company allowing a transition in place, and finding a job was very difficult once transition began. Now it is much more positive on the workfront than ever before so many who would possibly have waited are able to see the chance.

It is just easier now than it used to be.

[dreamer_2.0]

You know my story, Amy. We're roughly the same age and have similar-ish situations. We will also likely begin hormones around the same time. It would be great to meet you in RL, alas we've got that small pond between Canada and the UK. ;)

Oh and we are also bad at replying to PM's quickly. :P

[Deborah_UK]

Angela has beaten me to it, but I do think a lot of it does not necessarily have to with an individual's age, but more the age we live in.

When I was in my thirties (ie mid/late 80s early nineties) the thought of transition was much more scary (imo) than now. Certainly in the UK there was no employment protection, indeed until the late 90's you could be sacked for being Trans. Yes, people did transition, but I suggest that it was harder then than now.

I talk to some female colleagues of that time who tell me it was hard as woman in my line of work then, they opine that as a transwoman I would have needed to be even stronger, and even then there would have been no guarantee.

I would have loved to have transitioned in my thirties, I was divorced, no kids, own home but there was nothing out there to suggest that transition then would have been anything but disaster :(

[KellyJameson]

I tried to conform in my teens and much of my twenties through denial, repression and any other strategy I could come up with but I had many friends who fully embraced it in their teens and twenties so it depends on what path you are on, as how you react and what you do about the dysphoria.

I tried to fix myself through intimate relationships with women in my twenties but that just made it worse but if I had been successful I easily could see how I would have kept suppressing my identity which I think is why you see so many late transitioners who put themselves between a rock and a hard place by starting families so live out their thirties and forties denying themselves until it becomes to much to bear.

Identity is going to find some way to be lived and either it is done honestly through yourself or dishonestly through another.

I have read stories of men and women who were attracted sexually to their own sex but married and tried to deny their sexuality and their stories are eerily familiar to mine but the difference is for them it was sex and for me gender.

You cannot deny your sexuality or gender identity without repercussions.

Excellant piece of writing in the Feb issue of Psychology Today talking about lies and secrets and there affect on people.

Those who are sexually attracted to men may be more likely to transition earlier because they are also less likely to have had children.

I think it is the children that keep many from transtioning. Not that the children will not accept them but that they risk losing access to their children in a world hostile to transsexuals.

I would have transitioned much earlier if I had not become a parent and it was the loss of my child that put me back on the path of transitioning.

The bond between parent and child can be very powerful and many suffer to keep this bond.

[Vickie_CDTV]

A small part of it is also due to our current changing economic (worsening) conditions in the west. Older folks (generally) usually have greater financial security and freedom than the young, and that is why they can take more risks (and afford things like SRS etc.) more easily than younger folks. It takes so much longer for young folks today (generally) to become financially established than it did for my parents' generation.

[Michelle789]

I'm considering transition and I'm 33. I also am not married and don't have kids.

I think with the younger generation you'll see more people in their 30s who aren't married and have kids, since it's more acceptable in today's world to delay marriage and kids. Also every age group today is a younger age group in the old days. There's a saying that 40 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40. So being 33 today is like being 25 in the 1990s.

Financial means are the biggest challenge with the economy today. I think eventually, although this may be very distant future, see transition costs subsidized by government or covered by insurance, and not pay out of your own pocket like it is today.

[Amy A]

The financial aspect is definitely a factor in an international community such as this, but here in the UK it's less relevant as the NHS covers the bulk of the cost. Fair enough it doesn't cover facial electrolysis which is pricey nor does it cover FFS but HRT, SRS and BA are all included.

Also, now I think about it, the social barriers to transition in the past don't really contribute in any way to the lack of people in their 30s transitioning now (or in the last 5 odd years).

Perhaps as some of you have suggested, people transitioning at my age may become more commonplace in the next few years.

I do think that the overriding factor must be that by thirty (nowadays), most people have transitioned or commited to a male life because of family/children, at least for the next decade or so.

[GabbiSophia]

I am in my 30's and I think it comes from those they push off anything tg and they bury themselves. Then later on it boils out and they transition later in life.

[Angela Campbell]

Take a bunch of balloons and blow each one up until it pops.

Each one will take a different amount of pressure before it pops......

[Sephina]

This is essentially where i am at, i am not quite 30 (turned 29 in July) close enough! lol However i finished my 6th session with my therapist in mid July right around my 29th Birthday. Unfortunatley for a couple reasons i had to stop dealing with a few other personal issues. Hopefully when i can afford to get back he will still give me my letter of recomendation for HRT so i will be 30 most likely before i start, hopefully sooner. But thats my new years resolution is to lose about 50 pounds by July and start hrt before the 16th and then give it about 6 months before i attempt to move into the public eye so by 2015 i hope for be out at least 3-4 days a week if not full time. Great thing is i never really tried for a GF or a wife and i dont have kids yet so that should make it much easier. Even though my mom passed away im still trying to move out to Vegas to live with my moms side of the family and catch up there so the timeline can be collapsed quite a bit in Las Vegas as opposed to Fargo i would imagine :)

[Chloe Renee]

I suspect that there are more of us than you think. I started HRT at 33. I delayed my transition as long as possible trying to have kids and finally the pressure to be true to myself caused me to snap. In my case I tend to interact with the twenty something crowd. I sometimes feel a disconnect with the boomer transtioners which is purely generational. I know that I have meet a couple dozen 30 something tg/ts people on different sites like reddit and Facebook. May of them avoid forums and support groups due to the generational divide I mentioned.

[Jamie M]

Hi Amy,

I think it's been said before by most that people seem to have a tendency to either be in a 'safe' place in their thirties or have done something about it before then but there are some of us that have held on as long as we could in this role and reached a breaking point in their thirties and I definitely fall into this category. Just a potted history of my case. Married early twenties, children at 29 and 33, crossdressing from early age and increasing throughout time until at beginning of 2012 I couldn't contain or deny myself any longer and after significant depressive episodes sought assistance. Refered to CHX oct '12, full time Jan'13 and finally started HRT a few weeks ago.

I've bumped into a few others that I'd put into my age group whilst at CHX but as you've said the majority I've come into contact with and known through social circles do seem to be earlier or later transitioners. Hope things go smoothly for you in your journey, I know all too well how frustrating the waiting for clinic appointments can be but this first year does pass pretty quickly I promise

Jamie x

[bas1985]

Identity is going to find some way to be lived and either it is done honestly through yourself or dishonestly through another.

How true! :notworthy:

I think that I have been "pregnant" as my wife, I tried to follow her exams,
I went also with her during the pre-partum classes, I joined a group of women
talking about natural birth, contacted a private obstetrician...

I was pretending to help her, but my real feeling was that I was trying desperately
and viciously to live my pregnancy through her body.

Identity is very powerful indeed.

[Daphne Renee]

I think part of it is just when you feel the time is right for you. I have been trying to hide and pretend not to be daphne for a very long time now. After so long you just realize what are you waiting for.

[Frances]

I first discussed my feelings with a GP at 16, but was too evasive to get real help. I saw a psychiatrist at 20 and tried to bury it. At 28, I went to the principal gender specialist at the Montreal General Hospital and tried to bury it some more. I remember looking at all my body hair and saying, metaphoricaly, that god did not want me to be a woman. During my 30's, I made a real effort at being a guy and had a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman. I did push-ups every day and cut my hair real short. I tried to feel like a guy by giving in to the image in the mirror.

At 39, I felt like I was at a crossroad. I went back to the Montreal General and asked them to fix it for good, either way. I went full-time at 42 and had surgery at 44. So yes, my thirties were all about not doing it.

[Doctor Seven]

I just started HRT a few days ago myself at age 30. In my early-mid 20s, it was easy for me to brush off my cross-gender thoughts as just me dwelling on one of my many thought experiments. For me, the stress of writing/defending a dissertation acted as a catalyst that got me to take my gender identity questioning seriously and seek out answers, both in support groups and with counselors. After that, I waited until I had enough money saved up to get the ball rolling.

[Lilo]

Mid 30s too. I could not imagine doing it earlier or later given my personal circumstance. It may be more common than perceived. Also, some of the 'wiser' people may have more free time to post frequently (retired?) and may appear to be more of them. Very young people probably dont come here as much. A Hypothesis.

[alejandra]

i think most of younger generation aren't on sites like this one. and personally myself i didn't have the internet growing up until my mid 20s. so i never knew about hormones or what transgender was. i set a goal that if i were going to make any transition moves it would be by age 35. and well that ship has sailed...its not a knock on anyone who does after that just for me it didn't work out. maybe later in life i revisit the thought. sometimes i see these shows on cable...recent few years there was a transitioning woman who used to be in oil business and would try to get a job doing the same thing they are accustomed to but when they would show up and they would realize they are transitioning they aren't interested. they are homeless. sad story really. sometimes i wonder for all the stories of the beautiful young girl who transitions and lives happily ever after how many stories of GD landed someone on the street

[GirlieAmanda]

I wish I could have transitioned in my 30's. I just missed it at age 41. In 2001 my wife found my little girlie empire buried in my basement room. I was 32. We should have parted ways then. I convinced her that I could stop. We spent another 10 years laboring through the decade of the 2000's. It was all for naught. Nothing got better, it only got worse. I was so young looking at age 32. I looked 22. I would have been successful. The internet was flourishing, there were TG groups by then starting to make connections. I should have done it then.