Getting Pretty Scared!

[FurPus63]

I was answering/replying to another post when I starting thinking about something that has me real scared. If anyone has had this experience in their lives, I sure am open to advice on how you coped and dealt with it. I have been living my life full-time as a woman for 20 months. On HRT about the same amount of time. As you may be able to tell from my avatar here, hormones have done wonders for me. I look, feel, and behave like a woman in every way. My name has been legally changed for over a year. My body has done a complete transformation. My transition couldn't have been better. Even my family is starting to accept me as Paulette. In fact, many of my cousins have stated they'd help me with a fundraiser idea I have for raising money for my SRS.

It's all going so wonderfully! With much promise for the future. Yet, I am getting awfully scared. I lost my job last year in February. It had nothing to do with being trans. It was my fault. However; trying to find another one has been quite difficult, way more than I ever imagined. I live in Michigan and the economy and job market are still very poor in this State.

I am living with my boyfriend, and although he does help me with food and the basic necessities of life, I'm sure he doesn't want to have to take care of me finacially, and I am way too independent of a person to lean on someone anyway. That's not my goal in life as a woman or as a person in general. I want to work. I want a career, maybe even something new as my present career is going nowhere.

Recently someone told me to go back to living my life as a man and give this thing up. I can't possibly imagine that! No Way! I'd rather die. I am so happy as a woman. I've come such a long way, and gone through so much; I can't imagine going back. I hated myself as a man. I couldn't stand it, and that kind of life would lead me to depression and suicidal ideation would be overwhelming. I'd probably end up in a mental hosptial or worse if I had to do that. In other words, it's not an option!

Yet, these thoughts come to me all the time. Life's circumstances have gotten so hard, the fear is overwhelming! When I began this transition, I made a vow and a promise to myself never to go back. This is what I want. I daydream about having SRS and completing this journey, constantly. I found a doctor who has a discount program that makes this a possibility, a good reality within 9 to 18 months if I could just find a job or get my business off the ground; but I keep running into road blocks and now I'm fresh out of ideas. I need someone to give me a break pretty soon, or I'm going to lose my mind!

Has anyone gone through this? Has anyone gotten really into deep transition just to get real scared for one reason or another; but made it through and completed the process? I sure could use some words of encouragement and hope right now.

Paulette

[Aprilrain]

I'm sorry I can not offer any words of advise but hang in there and don't listen to the naysayers!

Im sure there are others here who have some experience with this that can help you, good luck!

[MarciManseau]

It's been quite a while since you lost your job, so maybe you could just talk to the person in charge, once again apologize for whatever happened, and then ask humbly for your job back, possibly at a reduced pay for a "proving period".

Good luck, sweetie. I wish you all the best.

[STACY B]

Maybe you should think about moving to another state an find a job ?

[Jorja]

So your biggest concern is that you lost your job and can't find another one. Is that correct? Believe it or not, Michigan is not the only place in the US to live and work. I know, hard to imagine right? There are other states and communities where the economy is booming and they cannot find enough workers. A move may be needed to become gainfully employed. As for those saying you need to go back to being a man.... tell them to kiss where the sun don't shine. I believe I saw in other postings where you are a therapist? Go into business for yourself. Who knows more about gender issues than you?

[STACY B]

Yea down here its WIDE OPEN ,, No therapist at all ,, You could be RICH,,RICH,,here ,, Just ask anyone !!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have to focus on your work life as a number one priority.....your transition cannot be successful unless you work and make enough income to have a good quality of life..

[JamieLeigh]

I don't understand people saying you should just go back to living as a man at some point that is not an option for any of us. There is such a thing as the Point of No Return. Having 38-c boobs formed naturally on Hormones and two years into my Post-op turning back would be no easier than changing my race. Your boobs don't just fall off even if you stop HRT. It's not at all light turning a light switch on and off.

[Daphne Renee]

while I cant know exactly what your going through. I do think someone saying just go back to being a man is idiotic. Just tell them to go back to the opposite sex. if they tell you they never were . you just tell them the same thing. You cant just switch back and forth. if it was that easy many others would have already done that.

[Chloe Renee]

I don't know who had that terrible idea, but politely tell them to kiss off.
This is the new economy, 2 part time jobs are almost as good as one full time gig.
You have your therapist certificate... (theres one) For the second one you might have to start over waiting tables or retail.
It sucks but, we sometimes need to reset and start over.
I would rather be me barely scraping by then be someone I hate and comfortable.
If you need a personal sound board ping me for coffee, I'm local and have a decent ear. Just not tomorrow, it is too dang cold in the D. :)

[Foxglove]

Hi, Paulette!

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. I'm out full-time for a bit over a year now, and financially things aren't great.

Every once in a while, the thought pops into my mind that I could go back to my old life any time. In ways things might be easier for me. But immediately I ask myself, "Are you crazy?" Why would I want to do that?

For the first time in my life, I'm happy. I love who I am. I feel like me. And after a year as me, I've got so used to being me, I can't imagine being anybody else. Go back to my old life? That isn't me. I look back on my old life, and that person strikes me as a stranger.

I've discovered that once you come out, your feelings can evolve very quickly. I don't know if it's been the same for anybody else, but emotionally, psychologically, spritually, it's like I'm on a different planet now. I look back at the past with horror.

No, there's no going back.

[Annaliese]

The truth is women have a harder time, find work, at the pay as men do. It is part of your life now, woman deal with it all there life. You are now who you were meant to be. You need to do what women do, that are successful, work hard, go back to school they do what they need to do. I have women that have come back to school that are in there 30 to 40, these women are the hardest working student I have, they out work the male students. You have two choose sit back or join these women that does not let anything stop them. You can do it just like the other women out there. Yes you have different problems, than they do, show the world you are as good as anyone of them, and do it. Hugs

[Starling]

Paulette, I go along with the consensus of opinion here. You've already done the hard part, and it would be self-destructive to regress. You will find work, even if it means moving to a new state. And as a bonus, you might feel freer in a new environment. What the hell, you're young and in love, right?

:) Lallie