Vanishing friends

[Ayame]

I am not sure if this happens to other people here, but I really kind of want friends that are cross dressers in my area around my age. Whenever I start talking to someone and we plan to meet up almost always the other crossdressers get cold feet or vanish. The last person I was going to meet up with that I met on another site deactivated their profile an hour before we were supposed to meet up.

Is this common? Or am I just talking to all the wrong people? I know that it is tough to come out of ones comfort zone, but my goodness do I feel lonely sometimes. lol

[Beverley Sims]

Ayame,
You have to establish a solid relationship first, this can take at least six months to establish.
If I was in Long Island now, I would wanted to have corresponded for aboyt three months before a meeting.
If it was an organised group probably a lot less.
I would look for groups with the same interest close to you.
Investigate what they may be like and then organize a meet.

[Princess29]

you are going to find a lot of flakey people in this world. Probably a higher percentage than in everyday life. Look at events like Divas Las Vegas in March

[XemmaX]

some people can be a little bit wary of meeting people off the internet but some can just be flaky too..

[Erica Marie]

When online there is never any positive way of knowing who someone is or what their motives are. Knock on wood, so far I have been pretty lucky. But the few people I have met were not very local. I think there are alot of people on some sites that are just lurking around looking for attention and when they get it they dont know what to do. My suggestion is about the same as the others. Start with a long term friendship. If they are unwilling to give you specifics like where they live, an email address so you can converse easier, a phone number so you can at the minimum text them. Then I would stay away. If possible see if there are any local support groups. Besides that I dont have any other solid answers.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ayame,

Do you have a local TG/CD support/social group in your area. These are probably a good place to start and get to know others in a safe environment (for both you and the other person). I personally am not a big fan of talking to someone online then going out to meet them sight unseen. You may be experiencing that to some degree . . .sounds good in theory but when it comes time to meet . . . cold feet. If you have a group which normally meets once a month, you can get to know others, build friendships and then move toward going out with others. WRT friends, are you out to any of your current friends. While I do interact with a few local CD gals, some of my best times out are with GG friends.

Hugs

Isha

[Marcie]

We don't have a support group for CD's in our area. It would really be nice if we did. If I contact someone on line, I prefer to meet them in a coffee shop, generally dressed in my normal male street clothes. We can see at that time if we both have the same interests. It's a much safer approach.

[Rogina B]

Obviously,no "dark alleys",bars,or parking lots...But what does the clothing have to do with it? Confuses me every time I read one of these threads about meeting others....

[Wildaboutheels]

I am assuming that when you say, "Whenever I start talking to someone" you mean TYPING with them?

There is a very simple cure for this and works flawlessly on Dating sites. I will further assume you are not into an endless typing Relationship? It has been my vast experience on Dating sites [especially the FREE ones] that 75% or more are happy to do nothing more than to type endless emails. These are the fakes and flakes who are simply lonely.

Just put in your profile... [in your opening line]

******* I AM NOT HERE TO TYPE. A phone call and/or a meetup is mandatory after just 2 or 3 emails.******

You then NEED TO go on to tell more about precisely, what you are looking for and what you bring to the table. There are not many folks who READ but some do.

[Kate Simmons]

It's hard to predict sometimes what other people will do unless we know them well. I know what you are saying though. I've extended myself to many people with limited success as far as friendships and it can be disappointing but it seems to be the "nature of the beast" in this "game". :)

[Cheryl T]

It's all too common for people to desire meeting, make the date and then not show or just disappear. I did it myself when I was younger.
That desire to meet someone else drives us to make the date and then the fear kicks in at the last minute for so many. It's not a reflection on you, it's just something they have to deal with.

[Marsha Marsh]

Like you I too feel lonely and isolated at times. Living in a smaller sized town means the I mostly have to go out of town to meet other Crossdressers. I have meet one friend locally, but it is still hard for us to meet around town on a regular basic and especially not when dressed. I have been thinking about starting a local support group just to see if anyone would be interested getting together. I hope you meet a new friend soon.

Marsha

[STACY B]

Yea no kidding ,, I was trying to start 1 on another thread where I live ,, But no takers so far ,,

[sherri]

It's very common. Lots more talk than walk out there. And the scaredy-cats can be so inconsiderate. That said, I really don't blame anyone for not outing in a small town. But like you say, there are options. Getting newbies to step out is tough though, I don't even try anymore. They either want it bad enough or they don't. And when one does finally take the plunge, I just look at them when I hear the inevitable, "Oh my gosh, what was I so afraid of? I should have done this a long time ago!" Uh, duh.

[Tracii G]

A lot will talk the game you just have to weed thru the closet types.
You have to understand they have their fears about you too.
Ask to meet in guy mode for the first time.

[Barbra P]

It is my belief that what you are dealing with is fear. It is one thing to anonymously correspond with someone over the Internet but something else entirely to meet them face-to-face. I have never seen figures concerning the percentage of CD’ers who are “out” but my guess based on reading this site is that it is a fairly small percentage and that the vast majority keep their CD’ing secret – in the closet so to speak. Read the number of posts from members completely in the closet, no one knows, not even their wives or gf’s. While meeting someone they can openly talk to, with similar feelings, certainly sounds inviting but when the moment comes to step out the front door and go to the meeting the years of hiding and the years of living in fear that someone will find out, that fear takes over.

Rogina asks “But what does the clothing have to do with it?” Well for someone not “out” and comfortable being out in public there is virtually no chance they will come to a meeting en femme and a very good chance they don’t want to be seen in public with someone else dressed en femme. Someone they know might see them and make the connection – birds of a feather . . . etc. So it makes sense to suggest a meeting in a public venue dressed in your normal male clothes. That may very well apply to both parties.

I’ve never been to New York so I know virtually very little about Long Island but seeing as New York is the nation’ largest city I can’t believe that there aren’t support groups. I found one in San Diego and started going to the meetings. As was suggested by the group I went drab for the first few meetings until I was more comfortable with the group. Also the meetings were held in a public restaurant (private meeting room) and I wasn’t yet comfortable out in public. I met and liked a couple of the other members (sort of knew already them from this forum) and we started going to the meetings early – we held our own strictly social meeting prior to the more regimented scheduled meeting.

Short of joining a group I think it may take quite a while corresponding via Emails and PM’s to gain someone’s confidence enough for them to get over the fear of being “outed” by meeting a total stranger in public. There may also be a certain amount of fear along the lines of, what is this person really up to? Does this person have some other agenda other than just meeting another CD’er? Do I really want to meet this person, after all I don’t really don’t know very much about them and there are all those warnings about actually meeting people you have only corresponded with over the Internet? NOTE: for the most part those warnings are intended for juveniles.

[sherri]

To each her own I guess. I don't fault anyone's comfort zone. Me, when I make a new gurl friend, or become someone's new gurl friend, I have zero interest in drab ever being part of the dynamic. And I don't really see how meeting in drab helps one get over the gurl-in-public jitters either -- sooner or later you gotta put on the skirt anyway, know what I mean? What is the point of meeting in guy mode to talk about meeting in gurl mode? Might as well get to it. But I do totally understand the new person apprehensions and take them seriously. The first meeting with a new friend, I am going to be femme, and I let the other person decide whether to be boy or gurl, but regardless, we ARE going to meet in a safe public venue, period.

[EllieOPKS]

I have met a few girls online. I actually prefer an email exchange of up to 10. I have a list of questions that I ask and if I become suspicious or hear things I don't approve of, I end the conversation. If I get a one line response, I don't respond back and end the conversation. After learning about each other a little more, I suggest a meet. If they are reluctant on uncomfortable with meeting, I end the conversation. If they appear to be my type of person and are willing to meet, I tell them the only thing I ask of them is if their plans change, just send me an email so I don't show up and wait. Seems to work out fairly well. I have met 3 really good friends this way. Not having someone else in your same situation to talk to is a lonely feeling. Why do you think Tom Hanks talked to a soccer ball?

[Mink]

haha! WILSON! :(

[Angelofsomekind]

I have found a lot of people like to talk about doing things, but never actually do it. In the meetup section there was a lot of posting about people wanting to meet up around me. But no one ever actually made plans to do anything. So finally getting annoyed with all the talk I chose a date and a place. The thread went dead after that. One other couple came out. It was nice meeting them, but there were so many people talking about going out before I said anything.
I think that's just how it is with a lot of people, the idea of it sounds great, but they're too nervous/afraid of going out.

[jules]

Everybody here has made really good points. Just keep trying and you will meet someone
one day and they might turn out to be your best friend.
I know with me there is one really close to me and I hope one day we will meet for a coffee
or just go for a drive and yack. We have exchanged email and i think she is a really nice
person. Am I nervous? You bet your ass I am. But that's me.
And if we don't well then its not ment to be.
she is into men I'm into girls so its going to be a interesting conversation.

[Tabitha Storm]

I think a lot of people get cold feet when it becomes "real" and they are meeting someone else.
I have met a couple of people and it has turned out wonderfully thank goodness.

Too bad I am no where near NY

Tab

[MisterEgurl]

I'm from just north of NYC, and would love to meet at some point, especially if it was down in NYC or even LI, where I'm not likely to bump into guys I know. A big part of my apprehension on going out is a matter of confidence, or lack thereof, and I often can't help but wonder if peer pressure can, like so many things, overcome the lack of self-assuredness. I feel like all I need is a stuff nudge toward the Clinique counter and a few girls to back me up and I could get out there in public and love it. So, yeah, I'm looking to hang out with "bad influences" who will introduce me to such bad habits as mascara and eyeliner. Alas, it never happens. Unfortunately, my new job has me traveling constantly and in conditions that aren't ideal. I am driving over-the-road for a national freight carrier and presently team driving with a very conservative individual who believes that different people and alternate lifestyles are terrorism, un-American and a threat to his marriage. I don't want to be the one to help him learn and cure his closely held, faith-based ignorance. So, I am trapped for a few more weeks sharing a tractor with this guy. After that, I get my own truck, weeks at a time on the road, no uniform policy, and opportunities to live a little in new places. Hopefully I can build up some of my own confidence.

[Rogina B]

Rogina asks “But what does the clothing have to do with it?” Well for someone not “out” and comfortable being out in public there is virtually no chance they will come to a meeting en femme and a very good chance they don’t want to be seen in public with someone else dressed en femme.

So,given your reply...I ask what you plan to do with your friendship?Where is it really going to go and to what benefit other than talk? Where is the fun from having a new contact? Sharing pictures? Better off with a group thing...

[brassieres]

I guess I could be considered one of those vanishing friends, but not really though. While I am still technically in the closet, I have joined the local support group here and paid for a membership. I am still waiting for the materials to arrive in the mail.

I have recently chatted with several closet crossdressers in my area. Most of them do not want to meet and I am very cautious myself. The ones that do want to meet are only looking for a hook up. :brolleyes: That is not me, I want to meet like minded Crossdressers who are looking for friendship instead.:battingeyelashes:

[Eryn]

A lot of people, myself included, were very uncomfortable about making their CDing "real" with a FTF encounter. It took me quite a few PMs and texts to develop the comfort level needed to take that step.

Now, I like to think of myself as a reliable person. If I say I'm going to meet with someone I will show up. However, if someone pushes me to do something before I am ready I will say "no." Someone with a bit less self-confidence might find it easier to say "yes" and then just not show up.

[brassieres]

My thing is that I would want to initially meet up en drab, however it seems like the people that I am encountering not only looking for someone to dress up with, but play around as well.

[Diane Smith]

I have never had more than about a 50% success rate at meeting up with other CDs, whether arranged in advance by email or telephone. There was a time, ten years or so back, when a particular store in the Chicago area would refer some of their customers to me to accompany them on their first outings, since I was known as a reliable and safe guide. A lot of these meetings were arranged, and I would be on my way to the appointed spot when I got a message canceling the event. Or, they simply wouldn't show, with no explanation. I came to believe this goes with the territory, and I don't hold it against the other girls in any way. Many of us lack confidence both to be seen dressed in public and when meeting strangers for the first time, and we need to rehearse doing it and develop a safe strategy, which sometimes involves going through all the planning right up to the last minute before deciding that it just isn't the right day or circumstances. Heck, something like breaking a nail or having a bad hair day can throw me off my game sometimes and give me doubts about going out, so I fully understand those first time jitters. Persistence does pay off, and I made several good friends in the long run when these outings actually took place.

- Diane

[Ayame]

Ayame,
You have to establish a solid relationship first, this can take at least six months to establish.
If I was in Long Island now, I would wanted to have corresponded for aboyt three months before a meeting.
If it was an organised group probably a lot less.
I would look for groups with the same interest close to you.
Investigate what they may be like and then organize a meet.


Many of the people I do talk to for weeks or months! I am not even looking to date them, and I make it clear that friendship is all I am looking for. Also some of the people that I was going to hang out with but flaked were the ones that pushed wanting to hang out!

[samanthasolo]

Ayame, a group setting might be the best place to meet people with no other intentions of socializing, meeting new friends, and having fun! I do not know of anything like that going on in LI. but I do know you are smack in the middle of NY, NJ, and CT. There are a lot of Events and Group meetups that you can find those you are looking for. Unfortunately aside from the flakes, there are a lot of people like us looking to hook up, you do not fit their criteria, and those that get cold feet.

So as long as you are setting your expectations on the intentions of others you are going to continually set yourself up for disappointment! Might I suggest that you find an event, set the date, do not have it be contingent on knowing or have chatted with anyone in particular prior to. This way all expectations are thrown right out the window and YOU WILL meet people and be able to see face to face if there is possible friendships there without all the cloak of cyberspace blinding you in finding those you are really looking to meet!

The real reality is you are going to have to venture out of your own comfort zone and into the real world to find exactly those you are looking for. I would he more than happy to share any info or groups you can look into in your own time frame and mostly in what YOU are.comfortable with!
I hope this was helpful!
Sami ;.)

[Sarah Marie]

Hi Ayame,
I had great luck with a group called Renaissance. They have (had) several chapters all over PA. Going to a safe meeting with a group of like-minded ladies was the best thing I did. The environment was totally accepting and safe and, after a few meetings, you begin to make friends and find your niche. That was almost 15 years ago. I know that the charter group still meets on the 3rd Saturday of the month, but it is by Philadelphia. The still are a good resource. The url is www.ren.org maybe you could contact them and look for a group near you?

[femboy_01]

Ayame, check out femme fever on Long Island. They were very active at one point and had several events planned throughout the year.

[Annaliese]

It's common, there are a lot of us that just cant make it out of the closet. I use to be hurt, but realize they are not doing it to hurt me, they want to but when it come to doing it, there feet get cold. Don't give up you will find someone. The important thing is we all need to keep trying, keep trying to get out and to get and to encourage other to do the same.

[Donna Jean GA]

I agree with Annaliese. I have been guilty myself of joining a site and corresponding and making acquaintances only to be scared by something or fear that I would be exposed somehow and vanish, although it never went as far as making plans to meet. I hope those days are over for myself, but we all need to have patience and understanding.

[Di]

It is not you.....it happens alot. Years back my partner and I used to meet others just to walk them in a local club we had here. Sit with them, introduce them to our friends ect.....just trying to help with a safe first outing. Some showed many did not. So we just do our own thing now.
I think fear and over thinking gets to them.....its them not you.