Being tranny SUCKS Big Time!!!

[Anne2345]

What the Expletive Deleted??!!

What the absolute Expletive Deleted Expletive Deleted??!!

I have been warned about watching my language before, but right now, I couldn’t Expletive Deleted care less. Ban me. Suspend me. Warn me again. Do whatever. I just don’t give a Expletive Deleted shit.

My beloved younger sister passed away less than two months ago. My beloved father passed unexpectedly too soon five days ago. My mother-in-law, whom I have loved and respected for many years passed four weeks ago.

I am worn thin. I am worn out. I am exhausted.

But just when I believe I am able to being to handle it all, and make the most out of a shitty situation, my wife Expletive Deleted EXPLODES on my ass tonight for being a tranny!!!

She has done so before, but this time it hurt much more than the others.

My Expletive Deleted FATHER just Expletive Deleted passed away Expletive Deleted last week!!!!!!!!!

It doesn’t matter, though. It doesn’t matter because I am a goddamn Expletive Deleted tranny!!! I am Expletive Deleted worthless!! I am Expletive Deleted shitty!! I am a Expletive Deleted abomination!! I am so Expletive Deleted misunderstood that I do not have a chance in hell of making anything I need and want happen without Expletive Deleted my entire goddamn Expletive Deleted life totally UP!!!

I am cursed. Expletive Deleted CURSED!!! And my wife just pounded me into the goddamn ground, no holds barred, without any mercy whatsoever!!! I suck!!! I Expletive Deleted goddamn suck!!! I want to Expletive Deleted DIE because I suck so Expletive Deleted bad!!! I want to DIE!!!!

I did not ask for this. I did not want this. But I am Expletive Deleted!!! Totally goddamned Expletive Deleted, and it hurts
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Expletive Deleted BAD!!!!!!

I am so far beyond “why” now that it doesn’t even matter. I am so far passed going back that I can never do so. I am so far into what I am doing and going forward that I am Expletive Deleted my life completely up, and blowing up everything around me that I care about!! EVERYTHING!!!

I mean, I am a tranny!!! I was CRAZY to think this could work!!! I was CRAZY to think shit wasn’t going to be all Expletive Deleted up beyond recognition and redemption!!! I was and AM crazy!! I was and AM Expletive Deleted stupid!!! I am a goddamn Expletive Deleted IDIOT!!!! And I have NO CHANCE in this Expletive Deleted up world that hates me, that misunderstands me, that mocks me, that runs from me, that would brush me under the Expletive Deleted carpet as if I do not and should not exist!!!!

And don’t ANY of you DARE tell me it will get better, or that it will work out, or to breathe, or to do this, that, or the other thing or I will NEVER talk to you or come back to this forum again!!!

LIFE Expletive Deleted SUCKS!!! BEING A TRANNY Expletive Deleted SUCKS!!!!

Beyond everything else, Expletive Deleted PEOPLE Expletive Deleted SUCK!!!!

[Ann Louise]

I just wrote a kind of long reply to you Anne, and just deleted it, too. Too many words for a simple concept. You've been kicked when you're down honey, and there's no denying it. But I suspect that you're already working on plans to radically re-organize your life as you pull pieces together. You have my contact info already, and if I can help in any way, just let me know. Your friend, Ann

[whowhatwhen]

Anne, you're one of my favourite posters here because you've kept going despite life shoving an unimaginable shitpile toward you.
There is nothing I can say that will help but I hope you keep pressing on.

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to in the next few days?

[Isabella77]

I think that one of the fears that I have is letting people know too much about me and then using that knowledge to manipulate me down the line. I grew up with people like that. It's easy for me to repress things and keep secrets like I have. Just hard for me to trust anyone.
I actually just came out today and told my therapist that I crossdress. It was really hard for me. It's really personal thing for me. Been doing it since I was 12 and haven't really talked to anyone about it.
I find that I'm really hard on myself. But somehow being hard on myself is better than letting anyone else have the opportunity to mess with me.
Trusting people is a real issue for me.

[Anne2345]

Okay, I will admit, I have calmed down somewhat from my rant not quite an hour ago. Thank you valium!!! But more importantly, now that I have my rant out of the way and behind me, I fully intend on making *this* work for me, one way or another. Of course, that has been my goal since I came to accept myself for who and what I truly am. Despite recent events, or any events at all for that matter, nothing changes this. Perhaps it may make it more difficult, I do not know. Regardless, my goal is the same, and this does not change my path. I *need* to do this. I *have* to do this. I will do this. I am doing this. I will continue on. I will not quit. I cannot quit. And I am quite proud of myself for these things!! Despite all of the external stressors, the fact of the matter is that I love and accept myself more now than I have EVER in my entire life preceding this. I cannot and will not let go of this. I just won't. No matter the consequences, high may they potentially be . . . .

[PaulaAnn]

At some point in our lives we all have been kicked to the curb......so do we lie there, piss and moan, or do we bleed a bit,pick ourselves up and press on?And yes,I've been down that road too.
PaulaAnn

[stefan37]

Keep your head up. Be proud of who you are. Take ownership of your fate. Be strong.b When you emerge at your goal you will be amazed how far you came. It will not be roses and cream. It is extremely hard and emotions are all over the place.

we are here to listen and offer whatever support you need

[Daphne Renee]

I am truly sorry about everything that has happened to you . I wont tell you to calm down or breathe.. sometimes we need to just rant. Scream , Cry whatever you feel you need to do. Please feel free to send me a PM .. I will be more than happy to listen to you. Sometimes thats all we need is just someone who will listen.

[Amy A]

Hi Anne,

I'm really sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose your father.

It's probably worth bearing in mind though that your wife lost her mother 4 weeks ago, so is probably feeling emotionally raw herself. From everything that you have posted in the past though I think you should start to consider that you might not be able to both transition and retain your marriage.

[melissaK]

Sigh. Sweetie, I was waiting for the inevitable venting by your wife. She lost three major players in her life, and she's losing you in the long slow drawn out process that transition is. We can quibble about forming new relationships with you, but we can't quibble over the fact she's losing the stereotypical male husband she believed she had. . . . Anger, frustration, uncertainty in a future, these all haunt her days too. It would be good if she was a bigger person, and didn't have to lash out and cut you with her verbal knives, but she wasn't, and I am sorry for you you had to absorb that. Is she in counseling? She oughta be.

Hugs, Sweetie.

[Sephina]

Anne I'm so sorry for your pain and loss, honestly I can feel for you about your dad, my mother too passed away at 53 last week on Monday it has been the most unbearable pain I've ever experinced so I know how you must be feelinb and I feel for you. If you just want to talk feel free to message me.
Love,
Sephina

[kimdl93]

Glad you were able to let all that out in a safe place. I'm so sorry about the compounded loss of so many close family members so rcently. It's all still so fresh and painful. Your wife's outburst may be part of her grieving process. That damned Kubler-Ross. Ok and on top of that you're in transition. There a lot going on right now and everyone's nerves are on edge.

I can't say if the relationship will get better or if transition will lead to a better life, but I can assure you that the sting of loss will fade and be replaced with a persistent dull sense of longing and loneliness. It's bearable, though time slowly softens it, it's always there. And every human being, other than certifiable sociopaths has or will feel it.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Anne

Strength, and Honor you are a strong and resiliant woman, I am sorry for the trouble in your life, but you will make it through to the other side

Rachael

[Emma Leigh]

Sorry for your loss..but bin there done that..ya dont get over it...but you have to pick yourself up and move on

[Anne2345]

Thanks all. Tomorrow will be a better day. I know it will.

[KayleeTaylor]

Sorry for your loss, I hope you'll be feeling better tomorrow. :hugs:

[Jorja]

Do you know what you do when life beats the he!! out of you? You fight back! You make it a no-holds-barred street fight. You kick life right in the teeth and keep on moving forward toward your goals.

[dreamer_2.0]

Sure wish Jorja's attitude was contagious.

Feel better, Anne! I don't want you banned as I enjoy your posts...expletives and all!

[chelyann]

we are sorry for your losses and things will improve,, but please when you feel like writing like that again please dont hit ENTER until you calm down some, we dont want to see you get banded from here because you need us and we need you to talk to. :)

[marshalynn]

Some times it is best to just go to bed and start over tomorrow.......

[FurPus63]

I sometimes feel this way. It gets to me when I can't have this process completed. Tranistion is so tough! There are so many things I wish and want, etc.... I think we all go through this from time-to-time. Is there anyone here on this forum that has been happy being trans all their life? I think it can be harder when we are in transition because we know that we're so close and yet have so much more to acomplish. Yet living full-time as a woman, sure beats the heck out of part-time or those days when we played the role of crossdresser or were in denial of this entire thing, etc...... So it comes and goes for me. Most of the time, I'm extremely happy. I get to live my life as a woman every day. I wake up in the morning put on my make-up, dress anyway I chose (always feminine) go here, go there, all the time as the girl I always wanted to be. HRT has done wonders for me and I'm so amazed sometimes at the way I look as a result!

Yet every once and awhile it hits me, damn I have a penis!!! I wish it would go away! Then I slip into a depression, start feeling sorry for myself and all that stuff comes around. It's a constant battle to look in the mirror, see what I've accomplished and stop the negative thoughts. I need to remind myself of just how blessed and lucky I really am. So what you are feeling is o.k. It's fine. Especially when it seems everyone in our life who's close to us dies. That's aweful! It's hard enough to go through it without all the trans stuff being present, so go ahead have a good cry.....then do whatever is necessary to pull out of it again. It's o.k. to cuss and swear. Just might want to refrain from it here, 'cause I don't want to see you get banned or in trouble with the monitors. It might be a good idea to have a journal and write all those frustrating feelings down (with the swearing) in the journal; then come back here and write about it later when you are more calm and can put your words into a better more organized format.

Just a suggestion. God Bless and stay calm. It will get better again. It always does.

Paulette

[Chickhe]

...my life sucks too... I won't compete on details, but I hear you! The main thing to remember is not to get depressed by things you have no control over...find a way to deal with them and move on.

[Rianna Humble]

Do you know what you do when life beats the he!! out of you? You fight back!

Or as one British Prime Minister once famously said
When we find ourselves with our backs to the wall, we turn around and fight :heehee:

[Maria in heels]

Anne....you have had a horrible few weeks, and stay strong so that you can pull thru this. You are a beautiful person, remember that

[Dawn cd]

So sorry about your father, Anne. .You would not be human if you accepted these losses calmly.

[Inna]

There is an amazing strength in giving up!!!

Perceived control we tool as wisdom means absolutely diddly squat.

But only when I had come to the edge of existence and gave up on control, and to be much clearer, gave up on life, life suddenly embraced me and shown the path.

No, the pain wasn't over, in fact, the more true I had become, the pain also became more vivid and thorny.

I would hurt so deeply when struck by others deceit, I would fall apart when promise of better tomorrow didn't come, I cried my self to sleep while I shouted into the universe to bestow the avatar I was soooo seeking.

Second after second, minute after minute, day after day, every month as though a year, surrounded with mostly pain broken occasionally by burst of joy, I grew!

Not only did I shape my avatar, but more importantly, I shaped my sensuality as a woman, a sufferer of unconditional love, a bearer of truth irregardless of consequence.

My motto, "I am true and loving, if this is going to kill me, let it be, otherwise, why would I want to hang around here anyway"

None of this can make you better, none of these words can show you whats next, but I have the feeling that you are, "oh so well on your way", and you shall become the most beautiful woman you can! Woman to me, isn't just the body and face, but more intrinsically, the strength of self, the beauty of her sensuality, relentless and unwavering passion to nurture, the one who despite continuous pain and fall, will pick up the pieces and go on, relentless love!

One of the quirky quotes yet how fitting:
“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

[Foxglove]

Anne, people can hurt you. I just had a discussion with a couple of guys on LGBT issues, and this will be the last one I'll ever have with those two. People can be unbelievable. We're the bigots because we don't respect their opinions and feelings. (I.e., they hate us.) That sort of stuff. And one of them made perhaps the most callous and contemptuous statement I've ever heard anybody make on any subject.

They don't understand us, Anne. They have no way of understanding us. And they'll hurt you. But we carry on because we will be what we are. No more compromises.

[Phydelia]

i only made it halfway though your post, and then i just couldn't read anymore. i'm sorry, honey. i wish you all the best with tears in my eyes :(

Don't let the *******s (and here i include your wife) grind you down... because then they win.

[Angela Campbell]

Yes being a tranny does suck. The good news is it is not a permanent thing. One day after all the work, and the time, I will no longer be a tranny, I will just be a woman.

[Launa]

I hate being a Tranny too however its all I am going to be in this lifetime and that's that. It sucks monkey balls but what can you do?