What to say to an SO about CDing when it's not really accepted

[Billiejosehine]

So I need really good advice and I will also be doing a search through the forum as there may be topics already posted. But, based on my situation in my marriage not doing so well (more then likely divorce is around the corner since she found a women's tshirt and some panties). She wants to know what's the deal about what she found in our room. How should I approach this and what should I say to try and turn things around? As much as I enjoy CDing, wanting to present myself en femme, and to transition. If I choose my marriage, I will have give up that part of myself. Has anyone been in this situation or torn between to worlds? What was the outcome and how did you Handel it?

[Lorileah]

the truth is usually the best policy. Fess up, apologize for keeping it from her. talk and set limits

[Daphne Renee]

Open up and be honest.. Try and work it out.. Talk about how you feel about it. If she flat refuses to accept any part of it. First try and suggest going to counseling together. If still a no go then you may have to split up.. However things may turn out better than you think. She might be more accepting if given a chance.

[Billiejosehine]

I know that she will never be accepting at all. Then has been stated several times in the past 6 months since she has been told and seen everything. She even stated she doesn't want to deal with it and no part of it. If I choose to continue there's the door. She did say she wants to do things right and asked to go to my next therapy session. But I don't know if that's related to divorce. At any rate at least that's the first step and I'll just have to see where things go. If things to go south maybe I can see it as an opportunity to be happy with who I am and to express myself brought CDing without ridicule from a non accepting SO.

[Rachelakld]

While my wife is accepting, the word "transition" would be a deal breaker as my wife married me to also be the man of the family unit (she already has the position "Best girlfriend forever" filled and she's not interested in living with a woman).

[Beverley Sims]

I would make sure you wife hasn't gone out on a tangent and assumes there is another woman.

[Daphne Renee]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this Billie. Maybe things will improve when she goes to your next therapy session. If not maybe the "door" is the best option for you. Crossdressing isnt just a hobby for most of us. Its not something you can just decide not to do.. You could for a short time but then you would probably just end up dressing again. I have read so many times where someone did just that.. They get rid of all their clothes .. only to buy more again at a later date. I truly hope you are able to work things out.

[Marcelle]

Hi Billie,

I am a bit confused by your post . . . Does your wife know? You say she found a t-shirt and some panties which implies she suspects then in a later post you mention here seeing and knowing everything. If she knows, the only way forward is to let this play out. When I came out to my wife the balance of probabilities indicate it would go good or bad luckily it went good. In your case, she seems to be making an effort (you state she wants to go to your therapy session). If the cat is truly out of the bag then communication is key . . . you need to talk to one another. If she cannot live with what you do and you cannot live without it, you either have to come to some common ground (i.e., a DADT relationship) or agree to part. As much as relationships are important to us, if giving up a "part of you" is going to be hard on you emotionally, it is likely the distress will creep back into your marriage in one form or another (e.g., anger, depression) which will have the knock on effect of bringing you right back to where you are now.

If your wife is prepared to go to counselling then I say do so but ensure the counsellor is knowledgeable in "gender identity" issues.

Hugs

Isha

[I Am Paula]

I've read most of your posts, and often get confused. Transition is not something you choose to do. It is something you do to survive, and most, confronted by a disapproving spouse, will continue transition, and accept whatever the consequence. There are some posts where you squarely identify as a CD. A CD has a choice, albeit difficult. The most common response is to set limits, or introduce a DADT policy. However you identify, there's a very good chance you still end up alone. If your wife freaked about a t shirt and panties, I can't see her happy with you growing boobies, and insisting on feminine pronouns.
As much as I dislike labels, before doing anything else, you have to decide. Am I a CD who enjoys a 'hobby', or is transition my only hope of escaping a living hell, and living life as it should be?

[Billiejosehine]

Hi Billie,

I am a bit confused by your post . . . Does your wife know? You say she found a t-shirt and some panties which implies she suspects then in a later post you mention here seeing and knowing everything. If she knows, the only way forward is to let this play out. When I came out to my wife the balance of probabilities indicate it would go good or bad luckily it went good. In your case, she seems to be making an effort (you state she wants to go to your therapy session). If the cat is truly out of the bag then communication is key . . . you need to talk to one another. If she cannot live with what you do and you cannot live without it, you either have to come to some common ground (i.e., a DADT relationship) or agree to part. As much as relationships are important to us, if giving up a "part of you" is going to be hard on you emotionally, it is likely the distress will creep back into your marriage in one form or another (e.g., anger, depression) which will have the knock on effect of bringing you right back to where you are now.

If your wife is prepared to go to counselling then I say do so but ensure the counsellor is knowledgeable in "gender identity" issues.

Hugs

Isha

In the past five years there have been several occasions when she has come across websites, items, and things I have written. She would question then, get angry, then a couple days later things seemed to go back to normal. It was not really discussed. Last year, I was basically outed by my step mom and then told the whole family. This was when I really discussed to some extent my desires and struggling my whole life with gender issues, CDing in the past, shaving, and painting toe nails. But again she would be angry and couple days later would cool off and it was never discussed again until seeing me with shaved legs and the whole cycle would start over again. I still have been hiding my CDing and keeping my clothes out of view, but apparently she found my clothes. So in a sense it is already a DADT type thing, but communication has been a big issue. By her wanting to go to therapy with me is still confusing. It could be that she is making an effort, but then tells me we are not a family and we need to stop pretending and that if I really love her I'll let her go and well go our separate ways.

[CarlaWestin]

If divorce is really just around the corner and she is questioning panties and a t-shirt, IMHO, she's gathering evidence to bolster her case. Love her all you want but, I've been through this one. Of course, YMMV and I'm just old.

[Billiejosehine]

I've read most of your posts, and often get confused. Transition is not something you choose to do. It is something you do to survive, and most, confronted by a disapproving spouse, will continue transition, and accept whatever the consequence. There are some posts where you squarely identify as a CD. A CD has a choice, albeit difficult. The most common response is to set limits, or introduce a DADT policy. However you identify, there's a very good chance you still end up alone. If your wife freaked about a t shirt and panties, I can't see her happy with you growing boobies, and insisting on feminine pronouns.
As much as I dislike labels, before doing anything else, you have to decide. Am I a CD who enjoys a 'hobby', or is transition my only hope of escaping a living hell, and living life as it should be?

At this point in my life I primarily been CDing, but I've always asked and praying to God to change me into a women. As well as trying to self medicate to change my body. CDing was a way for me to cope as I dented and overcome that part of myself of wanting to be a women. I would go through the typical buying/purging for the shame and guilt. But as my SO stated I need to stop lying to myself and others by trying to fit in the role as a man. I know what I want to do, but scared to loose what I have now and the rejection I revived my whole life. I'm holding on to an idea of a real family I never had growing up, but I'm realizing just CDing and not transitioning isn't working anymore. I feel torn between needing and wanting.

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree with others who have said to be honest. IMO that is always the best policy, regardless of the outcomes. What's the point of not being honest, when you appear to be miserable with that outcome?

[Tina_gm]

Perhaps your wife is reacting strongly to even mild CDing because of what it means to you. I think that what you really need to focus on is your direction in life. You have said repeatedly about wanting to be a woman and of possible transition. Those are strong feelings, whether or not you are a true TS and decide to go the route of transition. Some find a middle ground and do some feminizing. Whatever you end up doing, I believe what is important for you and your wife is that you discus the big picture. It is likely that she will probably not join you on a path through transition, but at least by being honest and if you do decide on some middle path as some do on here, she may end up joining you on that.

[DonnaT]

I think it is a very good idea for your wife to go to your next therapy session.

You need to be more honest with yourself, and at the same time, with your wife. Seems you're not accomplishing this in the current semi DADT environment.

Discuss the following with your therapist, with your wife in attendance.

Since it is unclear whether transitioning is a need or a want, being able to CD more often at home can possibly help you make that decision. Some find that suppressing their transness (CDing or otherwise) tends to increase the desire, thus they are not sure if the increase is a CDing issue or a transition issue.

It would be a shame to breakup with your SO only to find out that all you really needed was more time enfemme, and have no need to transition. Not that CDing more would be better accepted by your wife, but it's worth a try.

[Cheryl T]

Be honest, be open and talk, talk, talk.
Beyond that...

[NicoleScott]

Discussing the wearing of women's clothing seems to the easy part compared to explaining your desire to transition. But if that's how it is, you must. She knows you dress, so now you must tell her why.
No, YOU don't have to choose between your CDing and your marriage. You explain what you do, who you are, and what you want. Many wives choose to accept the CDing over divorce.

[Stephanie47]

OK, there's a case where the man needs therapy to figure out exactly where he is going in life. When you state you want to transition to a woman, you may as well set yourself and your wife free from years of turmoil. If cross dressing is a deal breaker for her, do you really expect her to accept transition? I would not take her to your next therapy session. Operative word is YOUR therapy session. You need to figure out what makes you tick. Then you can level with her. I always recommend each spouse have at least one individual therapy session before couples counseling. The counselor really needs to know what each spouse's expectations, deal breakers, etc are. You need to discuss with your counselor what and when you want to reveal it to her. Your statement seem to indicate she has a more level understanding of the situation and her position than you. By your own words she seems to know your marriage is not ever going to work. This is more than a DADT marriage of classical cross dressing and a non accepting wife.

[Shelly Preston]

I wonder if your wife is expecting the therapy sessions to be part of a cure. We know this is not something you can cure but your wife may think different. At least after the session she should have a better understanding.

I would call your therapist and let them know your wife might come along to the session. They might suggest a longer session split between the two of you ?

Good Luck whatever happens

[kimdl93]

Billie, you're stuck in an endless loop. Look back over all your posts and ask yourself why you keep asking essentially the same question over and over. If you expect a magic solution, you are wasting your time.

[Billiejosehine]

OK, there's a case where the man needs therapy to figure out exactly where he is going in life. When you state you want to transition to a woman, you may as well set yourself and your wife free from years of turmoil. If cross dressing is a deal breaker for her, do you really expect her to accept transition? I would not take her to your next therapy session. Operative word is YOUR therapy session. You need to figure out what makes you tick. Then you can level with her. I always recommend each spouse have at least one individual therapy session before couples counseling. The counselor really needs to know what each spouse's expectations, deal breakers, etc are. You need to discuss with your counselor what and when you want to reveal it to her. Your statement seem to indicate she has a more level understanding of the situation and her position than you. By your own words she seems to know your marriage is not ever going to work. This is more than a DADT marriage of classical cross dressing and a non accepting wife.

We have been seeing individual therapist for over a year and a half. Both therapist are in the same office and we both signed a form were the therapist talk to each other about our individual sessions to better help us. She has already gone once with me to a session. It was her way of getting her point across and convince that she is right and I'm wrong because according to her I'm not telling the whole story.


Billie, you're stuck in an endless loop. Look back over all your posts and ask yourself why you keep asking essentially the same question over and over. If you expect a magic solution, you are wasting your time.

Thank you for your response, but I did not realize I was essentially asking the same question; nor am I looking for a magical solution to my problems. We all struggle with things in life I find that this place is a great way to vent my frustration, get advice, support, see what others are going through, and share my experience with everyone here. That being said, there is a lot on my mind and as I process everything; I write post on what's on my mind. I do realize and know that it's up to me to come up with answers and a solution that will work for me.

[AmandaJ]

I'd say be totally honest about everything. Lay it all out. If she can't accept you for who you are, then it will not work and you're both better off parting ways. It's unfortunate that your CDing was something she had to find out about after you were already married, but I totally understand where you are coming from. Don't sacrifice a part of your being for somebody that can't accept the real you. You will be miserable if you attempt to repress your CDing and down the road you will likely resent her.

[Aprilrain]

The best thing to do would be to tell her they are your girl friends. In the end she would probably rather hear that then the fact that you like to wear womens clothing. That's the sad truth!

Based on your recent post in the TS section I'm guessing this is more than just CDing for you? Anyway I know it not what you want to hear but there is a high liklyhood your marriage will not survive transition. That dosen't mean you guys can't be friends though. It's just that women who marry men generally like it when they stay that way.

[Irena]

Hi Billie,

I really feel for you. But I think in the end its best to be honest and try to work it out with her some way. I also believe you should follow your hart otherwise you will probably be unhappy for the rest of your life. So if there I no way of working it out with her and your feeling are ts/ cd feelings are so strong you should choose yourself because I think there will be no way to put this feelings away.

Hugs, Irena

[NicoleScott]

We have been seeing individual therapist for over a year and a half. Both therapist are in the same office and we both signed a form were the therapist talk to each other about our individual sessions to better help us. She has already gone once with me to a session. It was her way of getting her point across and convince that she is right and I'm wrong because according to her I'm not telling the whole story.

I was one of the many of us who married thinking our desire to crossdress would be replaced by desire for the bride. We know now it doesn't. When I was caught and confessed, my wife insisted that we seek counseling, and we did. It was a husband-wife team. I saw him, she saw her, and we had some joint sessions. What we never discussed was our (individual and joint) objectives for counseling. If we didn't share a common goal, how could joint counseling succeed? My counseling was never about how to deal with my desire to crossdress, but rather how to stop doing it to save the marriage. Hers was never about how to deal with a crossdressing husband, but rather how to replace the crossdressing desire. In hindsight, my objective was for her to accept my crossdressing, and hers was to "cure" my desire to crossdress (does this ring a bell?). Of course, the absence of a common goal doomed our marriage from the start of counseling, and really didn't help either of us individually. We divorced.
I agree with Stephanie (post #18). Go to a therapist who can help YOU to find out what's going on with YOU.

[Billiejosehine]

So we had a short conversation, but she would rather wait till our next therapy session. Especially since her mom is staying with us for the next two weeks. During this conversation she brought up again that she thinks I'm gay. When I told her my gender identity and CDing has nothing to do with my sexuality. She apologized for being ignorant because doesn't know ANY guy that does that.

[Alice B]

Always the truth.If she does not know she may well think they belong to another woman and thing you are being unfaithful.

[Eryn]

If the marriage is on the rocks already then your CDing, though an easy-to-attack issue, is really secondary. The only time that CDing is really a total deal-breaker is when an intolerant religion is in the picture.

You should examine your perceptions and hers of your CDing. Having lived with it, you know how strongly CDing holds us and that it is part of us. Your wife likely does not see it that way. She may perceive it as a "selfish and perverse hobby" that is entirely voluntary on your part. Unfortunately, there is no parallel experience in her world that can help her understand what CDing is like for us.

The only thing that I can recommend is what has already been said, complete honesty and communication with your spouse. She should not be able to say that you lied to her by withholding information.

[Billiejosehine]

Always the truth.If she does not know she may well think they belong to another woman and thing you are being unfaithful.

I did tell her that they belong to me and with what she already knows; at least she will not think that I'm being unfaithful.

I have been getting a lot of great advice about being honest with my wife. So I took the step to be more open and answer any questions she has and to give her information. But in reality it has reached the point where she doesn't not care anymore because it's my thing and she wants nothing to do with it. She never signed up for this, is tired of being supportive, and doesn't want to be dragged along as I go according to her major issues. Even going to couples therapy is a waste of time because again she wants nothing to do with me CDing. She had also told me she wants to go on vacation with the kids, so they can meet some relatives. I'm not allowed to go along because in her mind we are not a real family and does not me to meet these relatives. She also told me things are going to change and she's making plans that don't include me. While the answer is so obvious, I'm don't understand why I'm blinded by emotions and why it's do hard to just let go. I personally know that when I said I'll try and stop CDing and do what I can to overcome it, I'm lying to myself. Looking at a title of another post; it pretty much says be who you are instead of who you want to be.

[DonnaT]

Sounds like it's all over except for the crying.

Might as well be yourself, as there appears to be no need to restrain yourself.

Just don't volunteer to move out.

[Alice Torn]

Though never married, I can relate only some. I opened up to a very nice widow lady , emailing at times for over a few years on Facebook, and she said, unless I stop dressing, no woman would want to marry me, period. And she said, quitting would be just like quitting smoking or drinking!!!!!!!!!! NOT that easy, or the same thing! I do hope your sife learns new things, and gets educated ay your therapist meetings, and cuts you some slack. Quitting is possible, but much tougher than smoking or drinking, or porn. I hope she can learn to see your point of view, and be educated some, before the big D, and I don't mean Dallas.

[Aprilrain]

Whatever you do not share anymore information with her, she will use your CDing against you. Time to get a lawyer and do what you can to protect yourself! This is no joke my friend.

[AmandaJ]

I'm really sorry to hear how she has reacted. And as much pain as you're going through, I think you will grow and be a better person by staying true to yourself. You will find someone that accepts you unconditionally; just stay true.

[Katie_Did GG]

I'm sorry for the pain this has caused you both. :(

While I am likely beating a dead horse[others have said this already but you seem to have missed some of the words of wisdom presented here or dismissed them] I will say this: please don't assume to know your wife's mind better than she does. Please try through the help of your counselor to get a better idea of what all this means for you [re Am I a CD or am I TS?] Once you have that figured out then again with the help of your counselor have your wife sit in on a session aimed at educating her. She very likely has a lot misinformation from out side sources and your seemingly wishy washy answers. We cannot expect anyone to really know what something means to us if we let the other person come to their own conclusion based on limited information. There are just too many blanks to fill.

I think your wife would benefit from talking with other GGs on what it's like being married to someone who is somewhere on the TG spectrum. Marriages can thrive and get even stronger once both know the other more completely. And as hard as it was at first I'd take all that initial pain and confusion all over again because the pay off has been huge.

I wish you nothing but good things.

Katie

As usual please take my words with a grain of salt. Take what you can use and let the rest go. I am still fairly new to this myself. I mean well, but even the most well meaning person in the world can get it wrong.

[Gigi]

I agree with Katie, I don't think that you should give up on your marriage yet. Most GGs may react the same way in the beginning if they have little or no information about cding. I truly believe that you need to take the first step and really think about where you are on the spectrum, if you are a crossdresser or if you are a transsexual. Also, what your long term goals are when it comes to your dressing or transitioning. It isn't going to go away but you can give her information, be patient with her and answer her questions honestly. You can give her resources, tell her about the forum and the GGs that are on here. You can see a gender counselor to help you figure it all out. I feel as though if you are able to go to marriage counseling a couple of times, if you are able to fully explain yourself (there-- in a neutral place) and after you have come to some decisions about yourself and what you want in your marriage and she is able to see the whole picture, able to ask the questions she needs answered, allowing her to maybe express her hurt/confusion/worries, you can start to build trust. If you are both willing to try you can make it work. If after you have exhausted all of your options and she still does not accept you -- then you may need to think about a divorce. I have a feeling that she may be saying things out of anger, hurt and confusion and may be able to come to a level of acceptance if given time, patience and most of all honesty.

[RADER]

Divorce is not an easy thing to do; but necessary when two people just do not get along.
I have been down that road, not easy, but what I know now, it was the best for all.
Just do not let the kids get in the middle and used as bargaining chips. It only hurts the
kids, and settles nothing. It is hard to admit that the one you love, has grown to hate you.
This will be the hard first step, GET A LAWYER, He will fight for you, and your rites to see the
kids, and your rite to be involved in their life. I did not and it hurt me a lot, it wasn't until
after the divorce that I got my own Lawyer when she took my back to Cort 5 times in the first
two years after the breakup.
Good luck, and listen to the Lawyer, remember he works for you.
Rader

[Billiejosehine]

So here's the newest update in my wife's non acceptance: while my SO thinks I'm not a bad person and a great guy, the fact that she saw my fingernails painted with clear nail polish today, which I have been doing for the past two months. Along with everything else, it was the last straw and theres going to be a legal separation. She still wants to go to therapy session, but it is more for here to make sure she gets her point across.