If the shoe was on the other foot ...

[Katie Russell]

I was wondering how I would react if my SO told me that she no longer wanted to wax her body, that she was going to stop wearing make up, was fed up having to be feminine all the time and just wanted to dress in baggy men's clothes as they were more comfortable.

How do you think you'd react?

Katie

[Marcelle]

Hi Katie,

Interesting question. Well, while my wife is nowhere near that extreme, I can say this. She does not wax her body (really does not have to), she does not wear make-up most days as she says "been there done that . . . you enjoy honey" and here clothing is normally baggy guy stuff around the house as it is practical for where we live.

So a bit of no brainer for me as I still love her regardless of whether she is "au natural" or made-up much the same way she accepts me "en femme" or "en boy".

Hugs

Isha

[dominique]

Been sitting here giving it some thought. Well I would be surprised at first, then I'd talk to her to find out why she's doing this and ever so gently remind her about my situation and try to agree a compromise.

[stephNE]

It wouldn't matter to me. I love her unconditionally and the most important thing to me her happiness. So if that is what she wanted I would be happy too.

[Claire Cook]

My wife doesn't wax, doesn't shave often or use makeup often and wears loose comfy stuff. She doesn't mind that I shave my bod, and wear comfy femme clothes. What's good for the gander is good for the goose!

[MissTee]

Would love her just that same. On most days my legs are smoother than hers, and my dress clothes more girly. She doesn't wear much makeup. Now, if she started growing a beard . . . . :eek:

[samanthasolo]

That's Funny! My wife has said that to me and with the straightest most serious look on her face! I kind of went to say something and nothing came out of my mouth as my jaw dropped and I sat there with my mouth open for a moment before I said, "Seriously"

Well, She replied "Seriously" in the deepest voice she could muster! Lol! Then a BIG SMILE! She had me going for a few seconds before we were both laughing hysterically. I think she is too much of a REAL girl to ever let that happen!

[Lynn Marie]

My best girlfriend of all time used to do this kind of turn around on me. She sure was good at keeping my feet on the ground.

[Maryesther M.]

We've just celebrated our Sapphire Anniversary (45yrs.) and make-up is a non-starter as is body waxing &c &c. We keep a menagerie and a very large garden, so baggy overalls are everyday wear.

One drawback is she detests anything to do with me or my crossdressing, describing it as an 'unfortunate addiction'.

But we do go out dancing &c, and for her a swirly gown is the thing, almost flats (she's 5'10") and I must wear a tux., bow &c and that's nothing to do with crossdressing, I'm afraid. We've been at it a long time and we cover the floor at speed & get a great buzz from that.

M.

[Katey888]

Good question, Katie,
Sadly, I think like many others, my wife stopped the make up except for special occasions, doesn't massively wax (but also doesn't need to..) although she still does take care with her clothes... but I love her for who she is, not just how she looks Thinking about that, perhaps an SO's fundamental problem with a CDer is that what we do isn't just about how we look, it speaks of the person we are underneath, which may not have been revealed before...
Thought provoking, particularly if one decides to 'out'... :daydreaming:
Katey x

[Katie Russell]

I guess the point I was trying to make is that is exactly what we do to our SO when we come out. I think that we are in a slightly different position to most men in that we can't exactly object or it would be seen as a case of having your cake and eating it. I think that most heterosexual men might find it a little difficult which is why I can understand the reaction of many SO.

As many of you said it is the love you have for your SO that means you respect the person and not the appearance. Would your opinion have been different if your SO hadn't changed over the years but told you at the start? Would the relationship have ever got off the ground?

Can a CD come out by stealth by becoming more feminine overtime? You know trimming your eyebrow, shaving you chest, legs etc.

Katie

[Talisker]

Well its unlikely to happen but if it did i would be less physically attracted to her.
But if she say only did it now and again, as with CD, then no problem.
Would not like any permanent changes. Weight gain id say is semi permanent as it takes time to lose.

[Marcelle]

Coming out by stealth? Would not recommend it as stealth would go down the drain the minute you showed up with thinned eyebrows or a waxed chest unless you had a good reason. I have kept my body void of hair for years but then again I engaged in UFC style fighting and having chest hair ripped out of your body by an opponent was no picnic. So I guess I could have pulled that off but thinning the eyebrows would have got me busted immediately.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Can a CD come out by stealth by becoming more feminine overtime? You know trimming your eyebrow, shaving you chest, legs etc.


Maybe.... I suspect it might take a long time... I'll let you know as I've recently started to shape my eyebrows (actually at my wife's insistence - they can get a bit wild), shave my chest (not very hairy - could've probably tweased it more quickly:heehee:), but I do have quite hairy legs, and they've got to go! I'll let you know if/ when she notices... :worried:
Katey x

[Christy Stevens]

Ha! This sounds like my wife now! Don't get me wrong, I love my wife to death and think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet, but she is all about comfort. If she doesn't feel like shaving her legs, she doesn't. If she feels like wearing pajamas all day, she does. She hardly wears any makeup and rarely does anything to her hair. I think this one of the things I love about her. She's so casual and always comfortable with herself. She doesn't need to spend two hours getting ready to feel 'adequate'. I teach her things about makeup and fashion!

[Talisker]

Also Im not sure the situation described is really the same. Putting less effort into looking feminine is not the same as making an effort and wanting to look male.

[Katie Russell]

Hey Isha I can see what you meant in previous posts about being able to look after yourself whilst out!

I think what I meant by stealth was that people change over (a long) time. If your SO started out in a very feminine way but over time became more comfortable could you do it in reverse? Most people will accept a gradual change it's when it's suddenly thrust upon them that it is difficult to accept.If you started out as some big hairy bruiser and went more metrosexual overtime would the jump to being a CD be as big as going from bruiser to CD?

My wife know about my dressing it's just others on the site are in a different position.

Katie

[Krististeph]

My wife does this on occasion- she's not a girly girl. She does have excellent hair though- and that makes a difference. She used to have me cut and trim her hair, I was not particularly good at it, but between me and a few of her friends, we got her to start getting good hair care- highlights, etc, and high end haircuts that grow out very flattering. So even when she does skip washing her hair for a day, it looks great regardless of how she does it- ponytail, headband, etc.

She's also very fit- marathon & trail runner + weightlifting- so she can pull on a burlap bag and make it look good. And she does not wear much makeup to begin with, and then it is mostly eyeliner, so when she goes without she still looks great.

So in answer to your question, I'd say i'd not worry about it- we all need to take breaks from our normal routine, including the time last week when I was having trouble picking a casual feminine outfit to lounge about in, and she had me put on a nice dress instead.

[Katie Russell]

Also Im not sure the situation described is really the same. Putting less effort into looking feminine is not the same as making an effort and wanting to look male.

Talisker I guess you're right. It's the reason why she'd want to do those things that's important.

[Sarasometimes]

Not the point of this thread, but it seems as though the responders, me included, don't have SO's who are currently on the far side of femininity. My wife almost always does her hair, but comfort, no makeup... is the norm. I have said before that women don't need to choose one or the other, they can do both. That is why they essentially aren't seen as crossdressing, IMHO. I portray myself as a female when dressed to limit scorn and worse.
As far as her giving up feminine grooming, that would be unnerving (leg and underarm hair) but her clothes wouldn't change all that much.

Interesting thread we haven't seen for a bit.

[CarlaWestin]

We keep a menagerie and a very large garden, so baggy overalls are everyday wear.

One drawback is she detests anything to do with me or my crossdressing, describing it as an 'unfortunate addiction'.

But we do go out dancing, and I must wear a tux.

Interesting similarity to our situation except the dancing part. My wife dresses comfortably male-like everyday and I dress comfortably female when in private. I would have no issues just switching roles (dressing wise) but, that would be after retirement a few years down the road.

Oh, almost forgot, have you considered some shameless sexy undergarments under the tux? The imagination runs wild!

[bridget thronton]

Would not bother me in the slightest. We are life partners - i would not dream of trying to control her appearance.

[SheriM]

I can tell you this. If a wife decided she wanted to wear baggy mens clothes, etc and the husband left her because of it, he would be the bad guy. If he wore panties, a bra, skirts, make up etc and she left him, she would be supported for leaving an unstable person. Yes, I think there is still a double standard although attitudes are evolving slowly.
SheriM

[Tina_gm]

I am willing to bet that at some point, most S/O's of CDers have touched on this. How would you like it if I did this or stopped doing that? My answer, not very much. Can I expect my wife (if she chose to essentially do what I do) to not do the same in reverse? no. That would be hypocritical to the extreme. I guess that is why overall I can be somewhat ok with the idea that my wife does not like any feminization. I wouldn't like it if she were to stop shaving or waxing her eyebrows, wear more masculine clothing etc etc. Basically I would have the same type of limitations and compromises she has of me. That would only be fair.

[Aprilrain]

There is a difference between a woman dressing down and a a man dressing and, in most cases, attempting to act like a woman. I don't think any of you or any other hetero man would want to be with a woman who cut her hair in a masculine style wore exclusively male clothing, bound her breast and maybe even wore a fake beard and or mustach. Women who wear women's pants are not dressing like men! There are female bodied people who do this, they are butch lesbians and Female to male TSes. There is NO similarity between a woman who identifies as a woman who wears all women's clothes but is just skipping the whole June Cleaver thing and a crossdresser. I'm sorry there just isn't, if you want to compare apples to apples imagine a really butch lesbian or FTM and then ask yourself if you'd be ok with your wife being that way, even part time? Would you want to spend time with her like that? Would you be ok with her being around the neighbors? The guys from the office? Your golfing buddies? The kids? You and everyone else including her friends would think it was weird. That is what CDing is like

[Tina_gm]

April, I do not see where anyone has stated about their wives simply dressing down. I do think we are touching on the subject of if our wives were to essentially do what we do. That is the question that was asked. I do think most of us who are hetero are not going to "like it" just as most of our wives and girlfriends do not "like" what we do. That is where the limits and the compromises can come in. When, where, to what degree. If you are insinuating that we CDers would leave our wives because they did what we did in reverse, most of us probably won't. I wouldn't leave my wife if she stopped shaving her legs, but I wouldn't like it either.

[Nadine Spirit]

She and I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that would make either of us consider ending our marriage would be for either of us to fully transition. It would not be an automatic divorce, but possibly. Other than that, it is a free game.

[Aprilrain]

@gendermut the impression I got from the op and some of the respondents was that a woman who doesn't shave her legs, dosen't wear make up and wears baggy clothes was the equivelent of a man who CDs. if that's the case half of my GFs were CDers. To me that's just a hippy chick. I guess it depends on the degree to which a man wants to CD. But if we're talking about full on wig, makeup dress etc. then you need to go further than a woman wearing pants and not wearing makeup. Let's be

It's simply not true that women can wear whatever they want with impunity. The "women get to wear pants" argument just doesn't hold water, yeah women wear womens pants. Other than FTMs and some butch lesbians all the women i know always wear womens clothes and women who dont will be judged by society. I know Butch lesbians who catch hell on a regular basis for not conforming to feminine standards. I know a girl who got yelled at at by some stranger at a gas station because she was filling her tire with air. It just wasn't lady like!

[Diversity]

My wife does not need to wax, but she is very feminine and wears make-up all the time. She is a gorgeous woman whom I love dearly. If she stopped this, I would be disappointed, as I love to see her looking feminine. It would not change my love for her at all, but personally I would miss her feminine look and dress for sure.
I find her most attractive and would like to be able to wear the clothes she wears and wear make up as well. However, this is not meant to be, as she does not want to see me dressed en femme.
Di

[Beverley Sims]

I would tolerate it but not like it.
I know, hipocrisy reigns supreme here.

[Tina_gm]

Bev, I do not think it is hypocritical as that is likely how a majority of women who have S/O's view things. It would be hypocritical if we were to say no, or break up because of it.

[Tina_gm]

April, I agree about the wearing pants argument. I do not see that as CD behavior as there are pants specifically designed and marketed for women. As for women who do not wear make up, yeah, that too, some do not have a desire to and that itself is not a CD behavior. My wife wears it to work and generally out in public, but not a lot. You can hardly tell she even wears any. If a guy shaves his body hair, trims his eyebrows thin and fem shaped, I do see that as the equivalent of women who do not shave or not trim their eyebrows. Not CDing, but it is feminine and masculine opposite of their gender. CDing for women is just the same as it is for men, if it comes off the men's rack, then it is CDing.

[Melissa_59]

I think my response to this is that it happens anyway in some marriages regardless. For example, I married a woman who had really long hair, wore makeup and tried to keep herself looking really feminine - wore skirts, heels, etc. Then at about the six year point in our marriage (after the baby was born) she wacked her hair off real short, gave up on makeup and nice clothes, and pretty much went about as slouchy as you can get. I can definitely say that she was not the same woman I married, not even close.

Did I up and dump her right then because of those changes? No, I loved her. Our divorce was over many other things, and it also took place 17 years later as well, but the changes she underwent after six years of marriage were not a factor for me. It was the constant lying, stealing (I bailed her out of jail more than once), bouncing of thousands of dollars in checks and dragging home tons of junk from junk sales (I'm not talking about anything useful, I'm seriously talking Junk) that just sat around the house gathering cobwebs and dust, and the abuse she did to me that were the factors in our divorce.

I think if you really love someone, you'll accept harmless changes in them. Everyone changes to some degree over time because this is a "live and learn" world. When the changes become harmful then you need to seek help and/or part ways.

[Cheryl T]

How could I refuse her the same courtesy and understanding that she has shown me and my dressing? That would certainly be hypocritical.

[NicoleScott]

"Someone has to dress like a lady around here. If you don't want to, I guess it's up to me."

[ReineD]

Katie, I understand where you're coming from with your question, but I don't think you'll get very far just with the image of a woman wearing baggy clothes and no makeup. Of course the members here would say they are supportive of this! BTW, most of us don't wax our bodies. I just need to do my lower legs, and I don't do them that much in the winter. :)

Anyhow, you should compare apples to apples: it would be a wife with a man's haircut who regularly glues hair on her face, wears a prosthesis in her pants, and who wants to go out like this.

Even then, imagining something is often different than having it happen in real life? :)

[geek]

If I had a significant other that wanted to go around presenting as male, I doubt I would truly care as long as when it came time to be intimate she didn't try and "give it to me". Cding is one thing, but that would be a completely different story.

As is, this is a non issue for me being as I'm currently single.

[kimdl93]

If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be very uncomfortable.

[kathrynt21]

If that happened at this point, when my wife knows about Kate and has accepted my being TG, I would have to be the biggest hypocrite in the world to deny her wanting to "be himself."
If she was suffering with gender confusion, I think it would be wonderful for her to be able to live the life she felt she needed to live.
I love her more than anything and her happiness is what would matter most.