frustrating beyond belief

[GabbiSophia]

Just over a year its been since I started to understand what was bugging me, not in front of me but it was bugging me from the darkness. I have spent a year trying to understand something that to me is one of the craziest and harshes things next to alhimerz. I hate this crap it is never going away I get it but understanding it doesnt make it any easier. It makes me not be resposive at times to my wife it makes me think thoughts that I have no clue where they come from. Going to a thdrapist doesnt do anything if you do not want to transition. Taking deep breaths everyday and realizing my stupid brain is tLking and not me. i know what I want and this craP aint it. Yes I want be a woman that is what the brain says and is trying to get my heart to follow. I threw see verything out yet here I am again dressing in private cause it is driving my brain crazy. There has to be another way. Thr path of transition is not what I want I see whats on that path. I want to deal with what I have got yet it has been getting effing worse. Why the eff was this delt to me cause I am pissed that I have to deal with it........well I feel better now .. being able to at least express it out loud even if it is to people that dont know me from adam helps... time to go back to work ..dealing..

[I Am Paula]

You have a lot a difficult questions to answer, and only you can do so. I think anybody who is coming to grips with gender issues asks themselves all the same questions, and has the same wishes as you.
Why me? What did I do to deserve this? There must be SOME other solution. These are our mantra. Unfortunately, your own comment "I hate this crap it is never going away" may well be true. Everything from religion, to electroshock has been tried to make it go away. You may find relief, and even happiness from the tried and proven methods of 'fix the body, and the mind will follow' but that involves transition of some degree. Many others have found relief without full blown transition, just adjusting hormones to what they were supposed to be. You need to work with professionals on this. If it's any solace, you may look back at this time, and see that it only got better from here.
I know I'm not offering any concrete advice here, but sometimes knowing that we've all been here is comforting.

[Marleena]

Paula offered you some good options in her post. None of us asked for this and I don't like it either, especially not now at my age and with my circumstances. Some of us will struggle with this. Sounds like you have GD and if it's bad enough you must do something about it. Why not try HRT to see if it can help you, why suffer?

I'm a TS living basically a TG life. I'm not full-time because I'm broke and compromising with my wife. HRT has brought my quality of life back for now and will have to be enough.

I don't know anything about your life. All of us have different baggage, coping skills, health and financial concerns, etc. If the GD is bad enough I can't see doing nothing however bad your life situation might be.

[GabbiSophia]

Marlene you asked why suffer. First off suffering is part of life some we get to choose others not so much. I was just voicing a rant because I needed to. I have spent a year learning so far about TG. I do not like it all that's true but I deal with my own stuff. I do not want hrt, I really would rather not deal with that as it is not the path I want to take. Though I do admit as the.months roll by the stronger the pressure is. Finding coping measures is the hardest part.

[Marleena]

@Steph go look at your first post. You're telling us you're TS but don't want to be. Well welcome to the club! You admit your wife and your life are suffering because of it. It's affecting your quality of life. Well expect more of the same until you deal with it. I seem to remember you venting or ranting before. It won't go away.

Anyways I'll refrain from trying to help in the future because you don't want to deal with it. Best of luck.

[GabbiSophia]

Marlene a don't get me wrong i appreciate the advice. Everyone and everyone's situation is different and i just ranted about it... i wish there was another way and i am holding out for it... i have noticed that when i am sick i have no gd at all ... i hate to wish to be sick but i want to figure it but i am human and break down some days and need to rant...

[kimdl93]

Steph, you're clearly confused and conflicted. The purpose of therapy is not to advance you towards or away from transition, in fact most psychological counseling has nothing to do with transition at all. The purpose of therapy is to help you deal with the realities of your life, such as they are. Its not offered as a panacea, and its not simply a matter of talking about your problems.

A competent therapist will give you guidance, yes. He or she may challenge some of your beliefs, and point out where you may be mistaken or misinformed. And they will help you practice methods for coming to grips with reality, methods to stop self destructive thinking and to learn more constructive ways to deal with your problems and emotions. That's where you need to put your emphasis.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Frustrating beyond belief is a very good way to describe what many of have felt.

It's good that you have a sense of self awareness about your feelings and what you are trying to do. Hopefully as you go forward you can take advantage of that to focus on the parts of your life that are constructive, meaningful and positive. If you can feel those moments and get benefits from them, you may be better off than you think, and you can compartmentalize this particular part (the gender dysphoria part) of yourself and keep doing what you are doing

[Marleena]

Okay Steph now I understand.:)

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn you have a a way with words ... why does it feel like you are telling me fight the fight the way I see fit but at the same time it feels like your just waiting for the inevitable... how come it feels like this is all a broken record??!!

[Angela Campbell]

Fighting it does not work. At least from what I have seen. There are ways to treat it, but fighting GD only makes it worse, and holding out for something that isn't there is not much better.

Yes it sounds like a broken record because it is the same over and over.

[GabbiSophia]

Angela I have really started to see this pattern in the posts here. Wow, you feel so alone or different yet the story is almost always the same. As for the holding out, at times I have no gd.. zero none at all... I am trying to figure out why. Though I feel the pressure building to be a woman and it grows stronger.

[Angela Campbell]

That is because GD is sneaky. You fight it and it will slink back in the shadows and look for another way to come at you. And it will come at you. It will change the direction, and it will change the intensity and it will do things you are not aware of. The only thing it does not ever do is go away, or get weaker.

Good luck to you. I can only say that for me I could not get any peace until I stopped fighting it. Yes that is terrifying isn't it?