Getting past hangups

[MelissaF]

I understand that this is weird for a first post, but I have to start somewhere...

My partner and I are having some issues that have fallen out during counseling. She has expressed a need for more sexual contact with me (I have a long track record of abstinence). I have dysphoria that occurs when I try and use what I have below in any sexual manner. I used to be able to use my imagination to get things done, but I have not really been able to do that as I have gotten older and the GD is getting louder. This is her biggest gripe in our relationship and I wold like to try and figure something out. Is there some other coping method I could use to get past my hangups?

Also, for those that have experienced sexual orientation "drift", how have you dealt with that in a committed relationship? This is another thing that I am currently struggling with. I am starting to find guys allot more interesting and women less so .

Thanks for your input.

MelissaF

[I Am Paula]

I have no wonderful advice for you, in that I'm in a sexless marriage because the male role just got to be too much for me. I used fantasy for many years, and somehow got the job done, but that devil GD grew and grew. I enjoyed oral sex with a woman, as it is basically genderless, but I would never let her reciprocate. Now, seven months HRT, I'm dead from the waist down, and that's fine with me. Sorry it doesn't help your situation. My wife is fine with it, but gender issues began well before we met, and she was OK from the getgo that I had the libido of a rock.
Orientation drift? Not universal, but common enough not to be the exception.
I hope you find a solution, cause GD and marriage is a difficult enough combination. Good luck.

[StephanieC]

Sounds like my experience was the same as Paula

Good luck!

[MatildaJ.]

Have you two ever discussed the possibility of ending your sexual relationship amicably, and allowing each of you to find a more compatible sexual partner? If you need to stay married for other reasons, it's nobody's business if you stop sleeping together and have discreet relationships with other people. I'm sorry if my suggestion is way out of line, but it sounds like you're not sexually attracted to her anymore, and that calls for creative solutions.

[Aprilrain]

I don't know what to tell ya. I had been sleeping in the spare room for over a year before I finally moved out. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in sex, I just wasn't interested in sex with her. My imagination ket taking me to the same place. I'm a girl and I want to be with a man

[MelissaF]

Everyone,

That's what I thought. There is no mystery way to make this work. I appreciate the time you took to respond and the insight you were able to provide.

[Chickhe]

I don't think there is a connection...unless you are taking some medication. I think the performance issue is related to stress. Go see your doctor, maybe there is some solution or medical cause. It is pretty common. I would say, you have to learn to feel good about yourself and I would guess having your wife complain about your performance is one thing that quickly makes it worse if it is stress...

[Annaliese]

I feel the same way, not interested in sex, but neither is she, it works out for both of us. This is a hard one

[MelissaF]

I don't think there is a connection...unless you are taking some medication. I think the performance issue is related to stress. Go see your doctor, maybe there is some solution or medical cause. It is pretty common. I would say, you have to learn to feel good about yourself and I would guess having your wife complain about your performance is one thing that quickly makes it worse if it is stress...

I am not sure I follow this...I don't have ED. I just don't want to use my penis in any form of sex. It makes me feel horrid... aka dysphoric.

I am sorry if my original post gave that impression.

[kimdl93]

I'd suggest you seek advice in this area from your therapist, physician or both. And by the way, sex is substantially a mental process. Imagine whatever works, but try to give your wife something you both could potentially enjoy.

[Rebecca Star]

I'd suggest you seek advice in this area from your therapist, physician or both. And by the way, sex is substantially a mental process. Imagine whatever works, but try to give your wife something you both could potentially enjoy.

No experience in this area either but I agree with Kim. Obviously this is a concern for you or you wouldn't be posting. Like anything when two people are in a relationship, both partners should respect each others stand, then, work toward finding a fair an amicable outcome, which addresses each others needs, or at least to a point, which each party can live with.

If having the type of sexual connection your wife wants, is not within your capabilities to give, then I think it's only fair to tell her that, straight up. At that point, she's then got the option to accept the status qou or discuss alternatives.


Have you two ever discussed the possibility of ending your sexual relationship amicably, and allowing each of you to find a more compatible sexual partner?

Going on your post MelissaF, Jess raises a good point.

To me it seems neither yourself or your wife is happy, in relation to the sexual aspect of the relationship. So maybe you can both look at other possibilities. If this is out of the question, then maybe, as sad as it is, it's time to concede this issue can't be fixed. To prevent resentment raising its head, it's probably time both of you faced and accepted some hard, cold, truths.

Instead of trying to fix things, maybe use these counseling sessions to help both of you come to terms with the current situation. Which, to me seems like it's become a bang-your-heads against a wall exercise, by trying to push a square peg in a round hole.

[MelissaF]

Thanks for the input

[kimdl93]

I would like to add that, based on your subsequent observation that using your male part is unsatisfying to you, then you need to explore the matter further. Does the thought of any sexual contact with your wife generate the same feeling, or is it just penetration? Would you enjoy other ways of engaging in sex with your wife? Would she be open to and fulfilled by other ways?

Sexual relations are a big part of most stable relationships. If you still want the relationship (you never mentioned love) then some sort of accommodation is merited

[MelissaF]

In the past, I would try other things to satisfy my wife sexually, but in the end she always wanted PIV sex. She likes the intimacy that the penetration provides.

I guess its also important to note that she has, since we have gotten married, gone full force back to the church (6 days a week). Her quest for the sexual has actually changed. She now sees masturbation as a dirty thing, that sex should only be done with her husband, and no longer wants any toy play. I highly doubt that she would be willing to find sex outside of the marriage.

We have been working with our marriage counselor and I plan on discussing this more with my gender therapist ( we are working through gender as well as orientation). I don't find the feminine form to be unattractive for sex. it just doesn't get me excited anymore. Through therapy, I discovered that I never really got excited by women (i've only had sexual relations with three people in my life). Guys on the other hand, I have found a few that were pretty darn exciting, but I never acted on those feelings. The attraction to guys however, are not enough for me to want the marriage to end. I enjoy my wife on a level that I haven't found with anyone else and I don't really want it to end. Unfortunately, I don't really see a way to make it work and I feel it will likely end in divorce... What we are currently doing is not fair to her.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Melissa there are lots of things that can be said...

however if you are coming at this from a point of view that you are transsexual...In other words a woman... and you can't have fulfilling sex without fantasizing about being the woman..then you have to face reality...this is much much more than a hangup..

Accommodation and compromise are totally meaningless concepts to a transsexual woman and her wife as it relates to sex..
you are not present for sex with your wife (when it occurs)..... that's a problem.. and its unfair to your wife as you point out

Unless your wife is supportive of a sexless marriage, your last line of your last post is the most likely outcome...its sad, but its real.. and as you can see many of us and our wives have been through this...