Another talk with my wife

[Suzanne F]

Last night I had a difficult discussion with my wife. We had a rough weekend a couple of weeks ago after I went out on my regular Friday night as Suzanne. She was at a party with some of our old friends. It upset her that many people asked where I was and she felt like she was covering for me. I have come out to many friends but no one in this group.

I stayed out pretty late and by the time I got home she was upset. Last night after a few weeks we talked about it. She felt like I had picked going out over being with her. I said you know you can always come but I stopped asking so you wouldn't feel pressured. At first she always went out when I dressed. She said she realized that but didn't really like going out anymore. She said she didn't feel like my wife when I was dressed.

I told her I was sorry. I said just like you need to feel like my wife I need to feel like a woman. I think she understood better needing to feel like how someone treats you being that important. We discussed how for the first time I am faced with what is good for me migh not be good for her. It was a tough honest talk. She assured me she knew I didn't choose this.
We are choosing to stay in the day. We are working out compromises for each other. It is difficult but worth it. Thanks everyone for their support.
Hugs
Suzanne

[DaphneMiller]

At least you're talking about it. Hope you work things out.

[Tina_gm]

Thank you Suzanne, I have had a few of those difficult discussions with my wife as well. For somewhat different reasons, (yours was going out) but this illustrates very well for many of us of the challenges both we and our S/O's sometimes face. My wife has also mentioned feeling that disconnect of being husband and wife. I never feel it. I have told her that even when I am home alone and dressed, my feelings of being her husband never change. My overall feelings for her never change at all regardless of how I am feeling inside. For many women though, it is hard if not impossible to completely get passed that disconnect. I think it is something that is important for CDers who are married or in committed relationships to understand that women are often going to struggle with emotions like this. That doesn't and shouldn't mean the end of the marriage or relationship. There are all kinds of ways I believe that can help to lessen those emotions and keep a relationship and marriage strong. Coming together on both ends and compromising, and realizing that what is good for them IS also good for us. That applies to both the CDer and the S/O. In the end, the compromises and agreements will likely end up with a general feeling of less than what we want, and more than what they want. That applies to CDing aspects and everything else as well.

A couple of suggestions if I may.... perhaps shortening the time you go out without her, and if there are times where she is out with friends of the both of you, choose her over your dress up outings. People asked where you were, and she knew but couldn't say where or what you were really doing. It did put her in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. Staying out late further aggravated this. She is still with you, and perhaps different arrangements might be made, perhaps a couple more outings, but not at times when there are functions where the both of you should be together. Or shorten the outings and catch up with her later on during the night. This way, you are both getting what you want, to a degree.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sounds like a very good and needed talk! I hope everything goes well for you and your wife!

[Katey888]

Suzanne, you're obviously going through one of the toughest discussions and changes anyone could experience with their loved one - but you are talking and you seem to have the right approach as far as I can see. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep talking... :hugs:
Katey x

[Stephanie47]

A successful marriage involves a continuing series of negotiations. It's good that you and your wife talk about each others needs. On the specific situation of you not going to a party with your wife, I question whether your decision was wise. This has nothing to do with cross dressing. Any woman would have to 'cover' for the absence of her husband. If it is a party of couples, as opposed to a "girls' night out," there is usually an expectation couples would attend. Your wife was covering, not for your cross dressing, but, because you choose not to attend. You did not mention what the excuse was that she used? Home sick in bed? Watching a football game? Visiting a dying relative? Gone fishing? Sometimes it is necessary to break an established routine because the alternative is worthy of consideration. Frankly, I would have gone to the party with my wife.

[Nadine Spirit]

Good for you two for each being willing to talk about it. That is super important, imo.

My wife and I also have had many a tough conversation around this but have come to some good understandings, through open honest discussions. I could not imagine what our lives would be like otherwise. Contrary to what many have thought, that I am so lucky to have it so easy, ha! There is nothing easy about being honest.

I think why I chose to respond in this thread was that my wife also said once that she felt as though she did not feel like my wife while we were out together with me dressed as a girl. I countered with, yeah, but every time I try and hold your hand, or kiss you, or indicate in any way that we are together, she pulls away and does not want to do that. To which she responded, people will be bothered with two girls being physical in public. To which I responded, why don't we deal with that, if it ever is an issue, instead of preemptively.

Point being, we both had an honest conversation that helped each of us to understand the other's position and to me it sounds like you are doing the same, so good for you!

[DonnaT]

Last night I had a difficult discussion with my wife. We had a rough weekend a couple of weeks ago after I went out on my regular Friday night as Suzanne. She was at a party with some of our old friends.
Seeing as it's a regular Friday night for you, as compared to a not so regular party with old friends, I'm thinking the party would have been the better choice for the night.

[Beverley Sims]

Suzanne,
I hope you are able to set some ground rules.
It is always good to talk, even if it is stressful.

[Suzanne F]

I appreciate the suggestion that I should have gone to the party. Just so you have all the facts I go out every other Friday. I also am the co secretary for my 12 step group on those Fridays. This group only knows me as Suzanne. My wife mentioned the party and said her and my son would probably go. I should have picked up on this and offered to go but I missed it. I did also say to her that if she had told me it was important I would have made arrangements to be able to go. So I agree I messed up but better communication would have helped.
Suzanne

[Tina_gm]

Those are subtleties, but she did let you know it was important because she was going and your son was. Over this past year, I have learned, sometimes the hard way about these subtle things. When it comes to me letting out my fem side around her, I have learned when there are better times and when not to. This applies to my situation, others are unique to their own, but I have learned that when I hear my wife use the words husband and man more often than usual, that is a cue that I need to reel it in. She may not be consciously doing this even, but I know she is needing or wanting my guy side.

I have learned too that it is typically best if she initiates any CD convos. At best, typically if I am in a mood to discuss it, I may throw something out that could lead into it, if she is feeling up to it she will take it up, or not. If I really do have a need to discuss something she will discuss it with me. Again, this is how it is for me and my wife, but I can tell you that one thing that helps immensely is that they do not need to always spell out what is important. We should know, at least some of it anyway. Being able to pick up the subtle cues goes a long way to assure our S/O's that they are most important and come 1st, because we are thinking of them 1st. I still goof this up from time to time, I blundered it on halloween, and a few other times, but I am learning.

[Cheryl T]

It's a difficult balancing act for sure.
We went through the same process when I first came out to my wife. She needed to feel like the woman and it was difficult for her to understand that I needed that also. We always go together. There is no separate nights out. She told me in the beginning that she wanted to be there, as she put it, "to at least call 911 for you". I laughed and she asked why. I reminded her that she didn't have a cell phone and mine would be in my purse so it would be a problem for her to do that. It became a joke with us, but now she does have her own phone...lol.
It's not easy for your wife to put aside that aspect and just be a girlfriend. She wants to feel cared for and watched over and that isn't the case when you are gf's rather than husband/wife. She needs to be reassured that she is watched over and cared for even though you don't look like her husband and even though you aren't holding hands, etc as you may normally do.


Look at it from her side....just as you wish her to see you from this side.