Torn between wanting to keep things the way are and the need to transition

[Billiejosehine]

It seems that the story of my life has been just a CDer that went through the atypical cycle of engaging in CD behavior and then purging due to shame and guilt. Yet I had the desire to a women to the point of praying to God to change me and self medicating to attempt my body. Although I never had that born in the wrong body feeling. But CDing was just a way to cope and appease these feeling while I hid from the world and even myself through denial. My whole life I struggled to fit in yet I tried to overcome that part of myself that I did not life. I never had the confidence to accept myself due the bullying and rejection from people and my family growing up. I gave reached a pivotal point on my life, where everything in coming out full force leave destruction in its wave. Some some has said its a transition or die decision and this may be true. These feeling have left me stuck sawing back and forth our of balance CDing or transitioning. Yet I know in reality there is no choice in the matter, there is either you are or not and you transition to survive and to be who you truly are. The problem is that while trying to fit in this role of being a guy, I got married and had kids. I so desperately wanted to anything I could to get by in a role that is hard to do to avoid accepting reality and follow the social norm. But no matter how I tried that notion and voice was still there in the back of my head reminding me what I did not want to acknowledge. Now being married and having kids I'm in a family I never had growing up and a person who I fell in love with ( the whole my soulmate feeling, which may be just a false feeling). At any rate, with the way things are with my SO, I feel torn between wanting to do whatever I can to fix things with my SO and keep the things the way they are. And work to really hard to change and overcome who I am, just to pretend that I'm happy and everything is okay; or the need to accept who I truly am and make those changes. If I keep things the way they are I also know that could be disastrous in the end. Especially since CDing to cope with these feelings is no longer working to suppress my need to be a woman. While I have stated in a pervious post that I'm finally making a commitment to transition; I am afraid and scared to loose what I have worked so hard to create. But as even my SO has said I need to stop fooling everyone including myself by trying to fit a role I will never be able to fill because it's so obvious to everyone else

[Barbara Ella]

Sweet Billie, just love your children and wife for as long and as deeply as you can. You two together will make the decision, whatever it may be. At that point you just go forward and never look back. for present, just don't promise what may be impossible to deliver. It gets very difficult to keep on doing the impossible day after day, and it gets worse with each day.

Barbara

[StephanieC]

My best advice: take one day at a time. I see it as a journey

[Rachelakld]

I think your SO is correct.
As you change, so will relationships (this often happens even if you don't change)
I remember an American Idol girl who had 2 mums and loved them both.
Regardless of wife staying or leaving, if you always love your kids, they will return that love (eventually)
My your journey be pleasant

[Isabella77]

So, does your SO know about you they way you really are or want to be? Is this a person you can trust to expose yourself to? If not then there is either something wrong with you or with her. Maybe you should try to express the way you are in small ways and wait for the right time to tell her. I tried doing this with my x. Turns out that she's not he kind of person who cares about anyone's problems but her own. That was a great loss, let me tell you.
Sometimes the path to discovering yourself has to do with discovering who important people around you are. If you can't do this, then maybe those people aren't so important after all.
The point is, you're always going to be yourself no matter what you do. If you've carried this around with you for as long as you have, what makes you think you can just put it away like an old heirloom going back on the shelf? You are going to be you. As painful as it is. You can change but you're still going to be the same and with the same feelings. Is changing finding a way to make yourself believe in a lie even more than you thought you could. Just you hurting yourself in the end. I ended up in the hospital over something like this once. Trust me, you don't want to go there.
Whatever it is, you can't make yourself be something you are not. So, make it easy on yourself even if it is hard.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for writing this. I, and perhaps a few other members, were confused about some of your posts, and where you stood in the gender line (not labels, we don't need those). It is hard to offer help, and support when you're not sure where the question lies. We have all been confused about where we are in this crazy place, but it is essential that we know, before we can move on. The question, remain a CD, for the sake of family, or transition, and let the chips fall where they may, has been asked since the beginning. I can't offer much, as it' an internal question. I found my place, but it was not easy. I didn't leave too many wounded in my wake, but some have to. I sincerely wish you the best on your journey of discovery, and respect whatever descisions you have to make. This forum is always here for when the going gets tough, but ultimately, you must reach inward, and find yourself.

[Ariamythe]

Billie: I have been there, done that, and have the emotional scars to prove it. Struggling between 'who I want to be' and 'trying to keep what I have' drove me ultimately to try and kill myself. If what you have now won't survive change, then you don't really have it -- you have the semblance of normal, but not the reality of a relationship.

If I may humbly offer up a post, Why Every Crossdresser Must Tell His Wife The Truth (http://ariamythe.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/why-every-crossdresser-must-tell-his-wife-the-truth/)has been my most popular post since I wrote it nearly a year ago. I wrote it when I was at exactly the point you seem to be at now, when I began to face that I *couldn't* just hold onto the fake normalcy of what I had. Short version: if you're open and honest, you may lose what you have; but if you can't be honest with yourself, you don't stand a chance of keeping your relationship together.