Progress by steps

[sandra-leigh]

Progress... small milestones that aren't so small in some ways.

This Christmas I traveled, and visited with my sister and her family several times, including having Christmas dinner together.

Each previous time I have visited my sister's house, I have worn shorts or jeggings or jeans. My sister knows about me and accepts, but I have always been worried about the effect on her children, especially her son (who, for various reasons, is not as mature as his age might suggest.) So I had never said anything about my situation to her children and never dressed "obviously" in front of them.

Keeping with the above, I wore jeans to my sister's place on Christmas day.

When we exchanged Christmas gifts, I was astonished by my niece's gift to me: a pair of boxes of press-on nail art. I didn't think my niece knew about me, but she gave me an accepting gift!

I went out with my sister a few times, and helped her around the house a couple of days. I wore skirts for each outing. On the first of the days that we worked on her house, I wore a skirt as the kids were scheduled to be away all weekend. Her son unexpectedly came back for a while, did see me along the way, and didn't even seem to notice the skirt. After that, I wore skirts each other time I went to her place.

We had a family dinner at a restaurant, with both children there; I wore my better skirt. The kids had no difficulty -- it was a non-issue. It was also a non-issue with a friend of my nephew who happened to visit while I was there one of the times.

I had a few serious discussions with my sister while I was in the city. As best I can tell, the bit that she is having the most difficulty with is using the name "Sandra". She doesn't want to be uncomfortable with it, but I can see that she is. I did tell her that I hope to change my name by June.

In a twist of fate, I unexpectedly needed to travel to the city my mother lives in (about 4 1/2 hours travel by ground), and I am now staying with her. I have not talked much to my mother about my transitioning; she never raises the topic when we speak on the phone. She knows the bare outlines, but she doesn't see me in daily life, does not know what the experience is like for me, or how far along that I live in practice. I will need to discuss some of that during the next few days.

As I had not expected to see my mother, my travel clothing was not selected with a view towards "sort of guy-looking clothes". I brought two skirts and one pair of jeans. Which implied that I was going to have to switch to skirt sometime during the visit. I decided to get it over with, and wore a skirt for the train trip, so it was visible right from the time she picked me up. A bit later, I did see her giving it the twice-over look with the eye expression that I know in her implies "I can't say that I approve of this" -- but she didn't say anything. And later she came over and relaxed right beside me as we chatted a bit, with my skirt certainly not hidden, with her not looking uncomfortable at all -- whether intentional or not, this was an indication of acceptance.

Now we'll see what happens when she sees my night-dress :o It is a bit vivid in black and white stripes.

... Beyond all of the above, this trip my SO decided to move out. She has made that decision before, but not acted on it; this time it felt like it will happen. She does get emotional when dealing with her parent's estate, so it is too early to say how things will go when we are back home.

There is something that she wishes to do and feels that she cannot give her attention to that and work on the relationship at the same time. To be clear, what she wishes to do is inherently worth-while and she might well be the only person who can do it -- but it has a time-frame far too long for me to "wait out" in hopes that things might be better afterwards.

I have no intention of asking her to leave -- but I am thinking that it might be time to say that I am going to make changes, and that she is welcome to remain in the relationship if she can cope.

[I Am Paula]

Very well written post. I'm only going to comment on the last line, cause I've been there recently.

"I have no intention of asking her to leave -- but I am thinking that it might be time to say that I am going to make changes, and that she is welcome to remain in the relationship if she can cope. "

With my wife, I tried sitting her down and talking about dysphoria. She was in denial, and just let it out the other ear. I gave her an essay I had written, outlining GD, and it's treatment. She just said she didn't want to read it. When I tried to discuss HRT, she just said 'You do what you've got to do', but I knew that was just a dismissal, and she was actually condemning it. I started HRT with this 'permission'.

I knew that sooner or later things were going to come to a head. She couldn't maintain her denial forever. Luckily the blow up came in the car, not a restaurant or other public place.
Knowing it was inevitable, I was well prepared. I knew the ultimatum was going to be the only tack that was going to get thru'.

After a short rant on her part, I was ready to speak. Paraphrasing, I said that no matter what her thoughts on the matter GD is a very real condition, and that for me to fix it I had to undertake some changes that she was going to have a very hard time with. This was not negotiable, and I was prepared for any eventuality, including losing her. It was THAT important.

The ultimatum: She was to pick one option.
-She could throw me out of the house. She could keep half the assets (considerable). I would not leave voluntarily, because walking out on somebody with cancer automatically makes me the bad guy in everyone's eyes. Even my supportive friends would demonize that one.

- We would continue our living arrangements (we were already in separate bedrooms) as room mates. We could even divorce if she felt that way.

- She could learn to accept, if not love, Paula. We could remain married (legal in Canada) This would have to be on my terms. Call me Paula, correct pronouns, allow me a legal name and gender change on documents. Learn to admit we are in a same sex marriage (a biggie).

Ok, those are some serious ultimatums, but I had to keep it simple, and inflexible. I also told her there was no big hurry in making this descision, but in the meantime I was going to do what I was going to do.

Suprisingly, even tho' she has not announced her choice, we are getting along quite well. My theory, is that she now understands that this is bigger than just our relationship. This is by no means over, there's a long way to go, but if she wasn't going to open the dialogue, I had to force the issue. My approach was heavy handed, and brutally honest.

[Leslie Langford]

I fully understand where you are coming from in this situation, Paula (and sandra-leigh as well, for that matter), and being in the type of difficult DADT relationship myself where the irresistible force sometimes meets the immovable object with the expected calamitous results, your frustration in not having the weighty gender identity struggles that you are currently undergoing fully understood and/or appreciated by your wives is a predictable reaction.

That said, please don't take offense at what I am about to suggest here, but it does appear at face value that the harsh "take no prisoners" / "my way or the highway" tone of both of your your ultimatums to your wives belies the fact that the testosterone-fueled male side of your psyches is still very much in evidence, despite the steps that you have already taken towards transitioning. And while the majority of us here might consider ourselves to be "gender-gifted" and in some ways "think like a woman", our inherent XY chromosomes do sometimes rear their ugly heads and cloud the way we think and act. That, or maybe old habits just die hard, especially when enveloped by the pink fog ;).

Either way, perhaps you need to cut your wives a bit more slack here. This is a HUGE upset to their lives as well, plus they are dealing with other, significant life-altering changes (cancer, death of parents etc.) at the same time. Putting all these things together can he very overwhelming, and probably cause them not to react in as matter-of-fact or rational a manner as you would like in this situation.

Remember the old adage that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...:daydreaming: :2c: :hugs:

[Annaliese]

It is nice to see someone that is focused on what they want, taking small steps, but with time are huge leaps, go girl.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hmmm... I'm not sure leslie why you feel the need to chide those posts but you brought it up

You are talking about apples and they are talking about oranges... its not pink fog. there is no pink fog for someone in the middle of a relationship and transition

its a classic crossdresser conceit to focus on the male and female psyche and apply it to transsexuals..
...we don't think like women...... we are women...and our psyches are under a lifetime bombardment of wrongness that we must cope with....we think what we think

What you call male oriented, my way or the highway approach is nothing of the sort.. transition is a medical situation...there is nothing "male" about dealing with your medical situation aggressively and in the best way you can....

Sometimes I do believe transitioning husbands put too much blame on their wives and I see in the top forum comments about how wives "just don't get it"...but I see absolutely zero of that in the above posts...

I see posts about couples and families going through a really tough uniquely difficult situation that has nothing do with pink fog, honey or vinegar..

[Foxglove]

Nice story, Sandra. It reminds me of the step-by-step progress I've made with my son. He was never negative, but getting used to my new image was hard for him. He seems quite relaxed with me now.

As for your relationship with your SO, sorry I can't help you there, not being in a relationship myself.

[sandra-leigh]

I forgot to mention: my sister told me that my niece thinks I should move to Toronto because there is a bigger trans community there and it is (at least perceived as being) more acceptable in Toronto. My sister told me that she responded pointing out that there are several communities in Toronto that are somewhat polarized, and it can be difficult to avoid getting caught in the drama and politics once there are enough people involved, whereas in Winnipeg the community is still small enough that one can live without being forced to "take sides" in unproductive in-fighting.

This discussion told me that yes, my niece (21 years old) does know for sure.

My mother turned out to be fine with the nightdress, and with me wearing my fancier skirt and top today. I had thought I was going to have to emphasize my needs explicitly before my mother got to this point.

Leslie: one of my therapists indicated that I am one of the most stubborn clients they have ever had. Stubborn in being patient and holding on to a relationship. Pretty much the opposite of what you indicate about testosterone effects.

[Daphne Renee]

sandra you are making some progress.. I am sure you love your wife but there are some concessions you cant do. You cant make other people happy if you are miserable. I wish you nothing but happiness and hope it all works out for you both.

[sandra-leigh]

Yesterday (Sunday) was my last full day staying at my mother's place on this trip. I delayed and delayed, but eventually I forced myself to talk to her and tell her that I am thinking seriously about changing my name.

I was not being confrontational, I was not saying "This is the way it is going to be", I was saying that I am seriously considering it.

The reception could have been better. :sad:

"I'm not comfortable with any of this. You've told me your side of the story but you never asked me how I felt about it." (Ummm, the reason we don't talk about it more is that she had in fact already told me how she felt about it.)

"You're going to do what you want whether I like it or not, so my opinion on it doesn't matter." (Long pause from me after that, as I tried to think of whether I had anything left to talk to her about.)

I did ask her about how she felt about it, and she went off into how she thought I had been affected by carbon tetrachloride as a child, and that I needed to get myself tested for heavy-metal poisoning (Yes, I know carbon tetrachloride has absolutely no "heavy metals" in it.) This was not in her more typical tone of "I've been thinking... remember... I wonder if maybe... have you gotten that checked out?" This was more in the tone of blaming me for not having already had myself tested for it.

She mentioned something that I told her before, except she somewhat misremembered it. A (plain cis) friend of mine had once described to that his self-dignity did not depend upon how he was dressed (and so it didn't bother him at all to dress as a clown to entertain sick kids); with my mother's misremembered version, she had twisted it to thinking that I was "disguising myself" so I could "be whoever I wanted".

I really wish my mother wasn't talking the attitude of "you are going to do this whether I like it or not" (and therefor it is okay for her to be hostile about it.) And her medical guesses get pretty far-fetched. She also believes in homeopathic medicine, so when she gets something like that stuck in her mind, I try not to argue with her about it.

=====

After that discussion I went and spent the evening with two close friends I have known for about 28 years. I spent a lot of time talking to them about the situation. They were quite understanding and quite supportive. The fellow had indeed been thinking just the day before how it would be easier for him if I was using a female name (it gets awkward to talk about a female person whose name is so masculine that there is not even a female equivalent.) They even understood why I would choose the very plain name "Sandra", and said that the more flamboyant rarer names would be completely wrong for my personality. "Sandra" is very suitable for someone who isn't looking to stand out, but rather to just live an ordinary female life, not a threat to anyone (unless maybe you treat her children wrong!) Anyhow, it was a good talk, and was re-assuring that I have been following a natural progression and living in reasonable ways (considering the circumstances.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you hoped.

Your mom is playing the oldest game in the book. Guilt, making up the past, projecting her intolerance as worry....(btw...homeopathy!!!yikes!!!) you are not going to get her blessing anytime soon.. end of story.

My ex still seeks her mom's approval for everything, even though she never gets it. It's a very poor input to your quality of life.

Your mom brought you into this world just the way are. If she's a good mom, she will figure out that you are doing the right thing for yourself. And here's the key
..although there are no guarantees, that moment will never ever happen until you actually do it

[sandra-leigh]

This morning, my mother implied an apology. She pointed out that once again I had left my big news to the last full day of the visit, and said that she doesn't do well with "bombshells" and "freezes up". And she asked me to next time give the big news the first day so she has time to think about it and process it and discuss it further. And again she assured me of her love for me.

As she dropped me off at the airport, I found I needed to put in a last word. "Mom, please don't worry too much about me that way. My doctors are sure." She replied with a laugh, "Oh great, now I worry about your doctors!"

That last word... I had had the desire to say, probably in a exasperated voice, that I had gone to all of the doctors in Winnipeg that treat adult trans patients (until they are post op and switch to regular care); and to the psychiatrist who has the most contact with trans people; and to the best-qualified gender therapist; and to another sharp therapist who has trans experience -- and not one of them has expressed any doubt that I am at least transgender and likely to transition further than I already have. I may be depressed, but I am considered unusually stubbornly sane. Lord love a tetra-chloride duck, this is not a whim or a bit of "confusion" because of my relationship. This stuff has actually been studied and there are real peer-reviews papers on it, not like your homeopathy!

But what came out as the time came to depart and I hadn't exploded, was just the "Don't worry so much". Because I care about her and she cares about me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

that sounds like a really wonderful moment for you and hopefully for your mom too!!!

She does care and that means everything...and if she really cares, then time and your own well being will help her(and you) a lot!

[cdjess]

Journeys, single steps, etc. ;)

[sandra-leigh]

Another small step today -- I asked the pharmacy to refer to me as Miss instead of Mr (or my first name, which is quite male.) Somehow after handling my estrogen and anti-androgen prescriptions for a couple of years, they had not realized that when someone is presenting as female, calling out "Mr" could be a bit problematic.

I have gone to the pharmacy for 15+ years, so I know the pharmacist did not intend to misgender me. It's just that sometimes you have to mention pronouns to people who have other things on their mind.