Juggernaut

[gonegirl]

In Dec my wife asked me to move out of our family home. This Monday I will sign the lease to my new place and move there. I found an apartment very close to my kids so they will feel like I'm physically near.

This afternoon I told them both that I'm moving out because mommy and daddy need to live separately. There were tears but they subsided when I reassured them that we are still a family no matter where any of us live and that they will be staying with me often and that I'll be seeing them on daily basis as part of our normal routine.

Yesterday my endo wrote me a letter supporting my name and gender change. Tonight I'm filling out the required County Superior Court forms to begin the legal process.

I wish I could say that I'm being a juggernaut but instead I feel more like a low geared 4x4 crawling up the mountain. I know it's just the start of what I need to do to summit the mountain but I'm committed to living a regular and authentic life so I might as well just get on with it.

Well, that's my update. :^)

Simone

[mbmeen12]

The amount of sacrifice is huge when transitioning. I wish the best and keep talking, venting and continue to seek counseling. The children might need some help. But your smart and I am sure your tracking. The gurls here are smart and willing to opine. Congrats on the endo and I wish all the best //Kara//:)

[steph1964]

I’m just ahead of you in moving out and name change. I moved out at the end on June and filed my name change paperwork about a month ago. I just had my court hearing yesterday and my name is now officially changed.

It sucks having to start over after a long marriage and family but in my opinion it helped me to find out who I am, or at least I’m working on it. If I had stayed with my wife, and if it had been my choice I would have stayed, I would have always been in the husband roll, even as a female. Being on my own I have been able to start to become a female. I have made several new gg friends, who accept me 100% as a female. This is something that I never expected. I still have a close relationship with my wife but it is no longer a husband/wife relationship. My children are grown so I feel for you that you have to go through this while they are young. But mine accepted me and I hope that you will have the same luck.

I’m not saying that it isn’t hard, it is very difficult some days, but being able to be who you truly are is amazing. Good luck, I will be thinking of you!

[Foxglove]

I'm committed to living a regular and authentic life so I might as well just get on with it.


I know how you feel, Simone. The day I changed my name was a sobering moment. At times, I was saying to myself, "This is crazy! Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

I don't think I did. Really, how can you when you've never done anything like that before? You're committing yourself to something pretty big, and you can't foresee all the consequences.

But if you're sure you need to go forward, there's nothing for it but just to jump into it. I've taken some big steps so far, and there are some even bigger ones ahead if I decide I need to take them. But I haven't had any regrets yet. Take things as you think you need to do them, and it's up to you to decide when that is.

[AllieSF]

Sorry to hear about the separation Simone and do wish you the best with all that. In almost the same breath, congratulations on the letter. Let me know when you are ready for an evening out in SF to celebrate or to escape.

[gonegirl]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. :-)

For me, Foxglove, having my name change is really for practicality reasons. It feels like a small step compared to other things that have happened to me and to what I still need to do. Having the correct gender marker feels similar because I don't need it to know I'm a woman. Having those things will be very nice though. :-)

I think I'll feel the same as you Steph, having this opportunity (the first in my life really) to just be who I am. It's very scary and exciting at the same time.

Thanks Allie, I'll take you up on that offer!

[Suzanne F]

Simone
I know this must be so difficult. I am trying to navigate being transgendered with my wife. I hope for all the best for you. Please don't feel alone in your struggle. I too go out with Allie, maybe I will get to meet you!

Suzanne

[Foxglove]

For me, Foxglove, having my name change is really for practicality reasons. It feels like a small step compared to other things that have happened to me and to what I still need to do. Having the correct gender marker feels similar because I don't need it to know I'm a woman. Having those things will be very nice though. :-)


Simone, we all see these things differently. For me, changing my name was a big step forward. I felt like I was truly committing myself to being trans, to being me, to living the way I needed to live.

As a matter of fact, when I changed my name, I felt I was taking a risk. At that point, I'd only been out full-time for about three months. By changing my name, I felt I was firmly committing myself to my new life. I was afraid I might be doing it before I was 100% sure I was ready. But it is a practical matter, too: it's decidedly inconvenient (and for me, humiliating) to have a male name when you're living as a woman. So I decided to take the plunge, and I never regretted it.

For me it's beautiful to be called by my new name, just as it is very nice to be referred to as "she" or "a lady". It's the same when I get a letter or an e-mail in my new (real) name. It really makes me feel like me.

It's a nuisance when I get a letter, say, in my old name (as happened twice at Christmas since I have relatives who don't know anything about my transformation). Odd, but it makes me feel dirty in a way. And then there was an incident one day when I was in an office with a civil servant. She asked me for my PPS # (the Irish equivalent of the American Social Security number) and my old name came up on her computer, which really confused her since she was dealing with a "woman". I was mightily annoyed: I had given the department in question my new name and had already conducted business with them in that name. It turned out that the department had different data bases and hadn't yet updated my name in all of them. You never know when you're going to be outed.

As Antonio Porchia said, "My name, far more than it names me, reminds me of my name."

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Simone please don't feel defensive about what you are doing!!! you are doing it your own way... the whole point is to live an authentic life... you are authentically anxious and careful!!! no worries!!

My transition was done on autopilot. It felt surreal and it was like being on a train...it just kept going ..and I didn't really feel I was controlling anything...don't get me wrong, I planned and planned, but it didn't feel that way to me..

My name change was very much like that. It was very important to me but I didn't think about it as I did. I remember some glitches because I refused to pay $100's to lawyers when I could fill out the forms myself...as it turns out, counties and lawyers are best friends and there was a totally bs glitch... I was devastated. That's one of the ways I knew that my train was heading to the right station.. Setbacks felt incredibly bad.

It took awhile, but getting used to your name and actually internally registering that you and your name are the same person is a good feeling. Recently, I must have got spammed because I have been bombarded with letters to my old name. It's funny because they feel like they are not to me. One issue I face is that there is a 2nd lien on my house from a home equity line of credit that I took out and cancelled during the easy money days...

I never even drew on the loan!! ugh..at some point I need to get rid of that lien and its in my old name..

FWIW, EVERY TIME I had to deal with my old name it was no problem... I know steph posted a rough experience recently but I have not had that happen to me. .. Fox I recall some issue with Chase Bank where I needed an escrow check released and I must have told them 5 times about my name change and each time I called they F'd it up... the thing is that each customer service person was really really nice and helpful, but the corporate bureaucracy lost me in red tape...

[gonegirl]

Simone please don't feel defensive about what you are doing!!! you are doing it your own way... the whole point is to live an authentic life... you are authentically anxious and careful!!! no worries!!

My transition was done on autopilot. It felt surreal and it was like being on a train...it just kept going ..and I didn't really feel I was controlling anything...don't get me wrong, I planned and planned, but it didn't feel that way to me..


Thanks Kaitlyn.

This whole process feels quite surreal and that I'm on autopilot just doing what I absolutely have to do, like an animal that is programmed to fly south in winter or swim upstream. I'm using nature metaphors because above all else: all the fear, loss, pain, and love, realigning myself with the world is feeling more and more natural.

I feel a mixture of things: defensive, scared, lonely, and a also excited that I actually have this chance to live authentically. The "authentic life" part is the crux of what sent me down the rabbit hole and I'm trusting that the hole exits above ground! There is one thing I fear the most though, and that is will I be able to live a normal life without the Tranny tag?

Sincerely,
Simone.

[Jorja]

I know what you are going through right now seems like it will never end. I assure you, it does end and there is an exit from that rabbit hole. It is up to you though to make your life productive and "normal" once it is over. For me, it was like a new day had dawned. I became someone that even I did not recognize. I became more open and outgoing and kicked it into high gear thus helping me realign with the world. I have built an empire and conquered the world since then. I cannot think of one time I have been referred to as Tranny since that day. If you play it right, you will regain all of your losses and then some. You are the key to victory.

As for your young children, kids are amazing little creatures. Due to a court order, I was not allowed to see my children until they turned 18. I fought that court order every day for 17 years without any success. I did everything I could do to stay in their lives though. I met all financial obligations, made sure they had a decent place to live, and never forgot a birthday or holiday. They knew I was right there behind them. About 14 years into it, I moved 5000 miles away with the man I had married. One day about 4 years later, I had a knock on the door (darn, they found me :) ). There they were and were wanting to get to know me. All these years later, they live in the area and we get together often with their families. Just because you and their mother are not married anymore does not mean you and your children can not stay together.

[gonegirl]

Thanks Jorga. You and several other women here are my heroines I have the utmost respect and admiration for what you have done. :^)

Even though I'm experiencing transition (or pre-transition, as I am not quite full-time yet) directly and it is soberingly real, this journey has often felt like an out of body experience. I think this is a coping mechanism to deal with the huge amount of stress involved. After a very painful two years of my old life systematically being torn down (much of it against my will) I am now beginning to get that feeling of a new day dawning and I am emotional able to begin rebuilding my life. Not everything was destroyed and I'm very thankful for the good things that remain; my relationship with my kids being the most important. I do feel very normal and I am totally amazed because I never thought that I could ever feel this way. It's a really good feeling!

[TeresaL]

My heart goes out to you Simone. Family is our tie-in to our social life which begins the moment of birth. It hurts when the love of our life cannot be with us to support our transitioning needs. Yet, we cannot turn back the internal gender that belongs to us. We have to and must push forward until justification brings some kind of equilibrium. You will find peace.