Confusion

[Carlene]

Good morning everyone,

I'm not sure how to move forward and am hoping that some of you may be able to help me. I haven't written about this previously because I haven't been able to think my way through it.

So, my issue is that I don't feel like a crossdresser nor do I feel like a fully transsexual woman. Throughout my life I have always interacted well with men and carried my weight rather well as a male. Having said that, I haven't always liked the person I have become and events a couple of years ago almost led to a breakdown. I believe it was at this point that I began to embrace my feminine nature rather than keep it on the shelf where it had always been. I had my own history of crossdressing, much like most of us here, but for the most part it was controlled and hidden from others.

When I began to realize that this was a part of me that could not be ignored, I came out to my wife. I won't dwell on this except to say that it has been a struggle for her. There are also others in the family who would have a hard time accepting this.

As I expected, this 2 year journey has been an evolving process. I find that I enjoy being less aggressive and more accepting......although I seem unable to be consistent in this regard. This leads me to thinking that the testosterone I have depended on throughtout my life is now holding me back from moving forward. I truly believe that I should be on some level of HRT.

The problem and confusion rests with the fact that I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to hurt others, I don't want to start my life over, but I want and need to live emotionally in a more femine manner.

We also live in a very small town, where we both are somewhat active with respect to community involvement.....complicating this even more. If I persue HRT I don't believe I could expect this to go unnoticed by others.

Furthermore, I'm not sure how much further my SO can go with all of this.

If any of you can help with advice, I would truly appreciate it.

Carlene:daydreaming:

[kimdl93]

A couple of observations. None of us "feels like" a CDr or transsexual. We feel like ourselves and that unique self can be any blend of behaviors we might attribute to male and female. And like so many of us, you have long hidden that part of yourself you consider feminine. I find it interesting that like you, so many of us begin to feel the need to let go of the stereotypical male behaviors and begin to embrace what we feel are feminine attributes.

Maybe that is maturity. I wonder sometimes if what we think has lead to our successes in life, male pattern aggression for example, might be less of an and vantage than we believed and that our other attributes, caring, nurturing, understanding and patience might not be the real reasons for success in life. Read Stanley McCrystal book and you'll see that even in the macho world of the military it's the ability to listen that is key to leadership.

But I digress. You are on a familiar trail. You get to chose the pace, the distance you travel and the destination. Youre off to a good start by beginning to express your femininity in your everyday life. Most people won't even recognize that for what it is...but may see a more patient, confident and self assured person. Those are all good things. They won't see the panties and stockings you're wearing to remind yourself of who you are ;)

Beyond that, if you feel you need more to deal with the feelings inside, please contact a competent therapist. They can help you sort out your needs and priorities and help you determine if some level of HRT may help. Good luck to you.

[Carlene]

Thank you Kim,

You are so right about male agression and control not being the best attributes for ones' soul. I want so much to continue developing a persona rich with nurturing, caring, empathy, and peace. Thank you again for here.

Carlene

[FurPus63]

I feel compassion for you and your situation. This is the case with many of us, not just you. I think it's because we were forced by society to live as boys/men for so long. I got a slow start to this and didn't even start dressing as a girl, 'till I was 48. But once I started, I couldn't stop and now I'm in full-time transition for almost two years. I lost my wife and most of my family. It's hard. Not easy. I have recovered my wife is now my best friend, but she is also my x-wife. I have a new boyfriend, which is blowing my mind away, but the natural way things progressed for me after I started HRT. One of the things you have to consider is the affects of HRT. It not only gives you boobs (one of the main reasons some will try it) but it changes everything! Everthing from your body, mind and psyche. Your brain chemistry changes as a result of HRT and so it has an affect on your thinking process, your emotions and the intensity of which you experience them. For me , even my sexual orientation has changed (a contraversial subject) and like I mentioned I now am attracted to guys and have a boyfriend. One must really have a strong desire to be a woman, because that's what this stuff does. If you feel you have strong feminine feelings now, six months on HRT will really increase those feelings.

Your body changes, breast development, hips, butt, smooth skin all over your body from your head to your toes, lighter hair (less shaving) and a shriveled up penis that doesn't work very well. If you enjoy male sexuality and want to use your penis properly, don't start HRT! All these body changes along with the psychological and emotional things mentioned above causes you to become the woman that you always wanted to be! It does everything, except give you a vagina! It's amazing! It really is. I can't believe how much I've changed in the last 20 months!

That's why I've often advisized people not to begin HRT unless they are living full-time or close to it; because it changes your entire world! I don't think it's something one should do because they want to "experiment" or because they want to have "boobs." IMO it's not something to fool around with. This is strong medication that also can be dangerous (I'm sure you've heard of the risks involved with blood clots, etc.....). So take your time before making a decision regarding this. However; I also have learned that sometimes estrogeon in low doses can help people with Gender Dysphoria combat depression that comes along with that condition.

As for your wife and family. That's another thing. Be prepared to lose your wife for sure and possibly several members of your family. I realize and recognize that some TS girls can stay with their spouses and some on this forum are attempting to live with their spouse and keep the marriage alive. But if you read what they've written, it's a hard, hard struggle. Divorce is usually inevitible IMO. The social consequences of HRT and transition are very difficult to cope with indeed. I'm sure many here will attest to that.

You really need to have that inner drive, that inner passion to be a woman, to be female to continue on with the process. Unfortunately if you have GD (and it sounds like you do) then it's just going to get worse. You can quit for awhile, give it up; many have tried this too, but the feelings just keep coming back, usually stronger and stronger each time you attempt to reverse the process. Someone with GD can't stop it. It is a natural process that seems to just continue as we age. Full-time transition becomes the only working solution. So ......... seek a gender therapist.

Best advice I can give is to seek a professional who has experience with this kind of thing. Confusion at your stage is normal, so don't feel bad. Heck I even get confused still sometimes, but far less often than ever before. Have you thought about a partial seperation from your wife. Perhaps if you could afford it, you could get your own place and explore this world (without HRT) for awhile and see how it feels. You don't have to tell anyone what's going on, just say you're having marital problems and need a trial seperation for six months or so. That way you could live your life presenting yourself as a woman doing everything (except work, I'm guessing) as a female and see what it's like for you. If you end up hating it, then you have your answer and probably are just a crossdresser and that you and your wife could live with.

Either way no matter what. Seek a good gender therapist. You need one for HRT anyway; so might as well get the process started.

Paulette

[Janice Ashton]

Absolutely 'Spot On' Paulette, you explained everything as is!!...... Carlene this is great advice.

Good luck Carlene, we all need luck at some point on our journey....

[Badtranny]

Absolutely 'Spot On' Paulette, you explained everything as is!!...... ...

No

We need to be especially careful with people who come here looking for information about a real transition. Paulette has written an apparently 'spot-on' description of her experience but it is not necessarily the experience of all trans women. Also she has diagnosed Carlene with GD and is suggesting a separation from the wife after reading ONE post.

The best advice I could give you Carlene is never take any advice from anonymous people on a CD forum. This forum can be a source for some great information but use it in conjunction with other sources.

[Michelle V]

I really hope you are willing to reach out to a professional before taking any major steps you may regret. Like you and many other members of our society, I have been there, I was ready to take the step and discuss with my doctor the possibility of transition. The thing is I am married with children, we have a great life and my wife is the center of my life, after two failed marriages my life has come to a place where I never imagine I would be, to risk everything and change now would be like ending my life and happiness. I have gone through that phase where all you think about is becoming the person you where meant to be, the cost of it is too great, my wife supported me by giving me her hormone treatment (estrogen) and it kind of messed up with my emotional state. I have days where I accept and love who I am and days where I loath myself. I have more good days than bad and my wife is always supportive. What I would recommend is finding a support group or talking to your doctor but not before really thinking about how your and your wife's lives are going to be affected. I hope you can come to terms with your situation, I believe many of us are on the same boat and it sucks but that's the life we where given for whatever reason, there is a higher power, whether you are religious or believe on a scientific reason, that has chosen this life for us, who knows if it is a test or whether we are the lucky ones who can be both male on the outside and female on the inside, the perfect duality. Best of luck to you Carlene.

[Foxglove]

No

We need to be especially careful with people who come here looking for information about a real transition. Paulette has written an apparently 'spot-on' description of her experience but it is not necessarily the experience of all trans women. Also she has diagnosed Carlene with GD and is suggesting a separation from the wife after reading ONE post.

The best advice I could give you Carlene is never take any advice from anonymous people on a CD forum. This forum can be a source for some great information but use it in conjunction with other sources.

I'd go along with this. Melissa's got a lot more experience than I have, but when I came out a year ago, I wasn't telling myself, "Now I have to make sure I'm behaving like a woman." Because what exactly does that mean anyway? "And I've got to get rid of all that male agression I've had programmed into me." I'm not sure what that means.

For me, getting out in the real world is finding out who you are. I behave like myself. It's up to other people to decide how they perceive me. And I haven't run into many (or perhaps, any) who've insisted on treating me like a man. I am what I am. It's no good trying to put on an act. What I want to do is be me, and it doesn't help if I myself am preventing me from being that.

Also, when I came out, I hadn't started HRT or anything like that. And I still haven't. Having lived in the male world for so long, I wasn't sure where I was or what I needed to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start HRT fairly soon now. The more time goes on, the more I think that's something I need to do.

It seems to me that transitioning is a very individual thing. It's all about finding yourself and finding out what you need to do. I think I've gone about a lot of things backwards. But this has been the happiest time of my life. So I don't think I'm doing anything wrong--or wrong for me.

[FurPus63]

"if you have GD (and it sounds like you do)" This is NOT a diagnosis. This is an educated guess. I would never diagnose anyone with anything. I also write several time: "IMO" In my opinion. This is my opinion not facts. Certainly we are all individuals and whether or not someone transitions is clearly their choice made after much thought has gone into it and hopefully therapy too. Just wanted to make it totally clear that everything I write here on this website including my post here in this particular section is my opinion. If Carlene is looking for advice, and it seems like all of us are or we wouldn't be writing things here on this forum, then the best advice I can give is what I wrote. Why scrutinize me for trying to help?

Paulette

[KellyJameson]

Society places an emphasis on conformity and the child attempts to conform but this conformity often requires that individuals reject aspects of themselves.

This is true for both men and women but in my opinion recent advances in womens rights that have not been duplicated to the same degree with men still places much pressure on men to act in ways that are psychologically constraining.

Women can act like men but men cannot act like women in that women have more freedom for emotional expression

The sensitive male still has a difficult time being respected by society and I think many of these males turn toward emulating women as a way to rebel against these psychological restrictions in an attempt to retain or repair their mental health and keep or find their integrity.

The passive male is very common and this is experienced as being feminine but the passive female is not common at all.

Most women simply cannot afford to be passive and even the most feminine of them still has a stronger spirit than a passive man. Femininty is not weak in a woman and is actually a source of her strength that many women have mistakenly given up in their attempts to be taken seriously.

The concept of femininity is often distorted by men as their interpretation but this is not what women are and there is a huge divide between a feminine woman and a feminine man.

For those searching for the truth of themselves it is (in my opinion) important to understand the distinction between a mans interpretation of what being a woman means and the actual experience of what being a woman means because they are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

To find the truth do not reject any aspects of yourself that you should have the right to live as a man.

Once you accomplish this than you will be better positioned to see if there is another dimension that is only lived as a woman because you are a woman.

Never move toward women because you do not have the courage to be you except as the illusion of being a woman because this is not the same thing as being true to yourself as a woman.

It is not about running away from yourself out of fear but running toward yourself out of courage.

[Rachelakld]

Find out who you are and who you want to be before using drugs.
I have found my balance
Like you I have man-ed up during my military time, but now find a better way of dealing with issues by being more fem.
While I prefer a more fem outlook, my wife and kids still need me as a male sometimes (although they love my girl side when shopping), just as some punks nearly felt my aggressive side after giving me grief for wearing a skirt and boobs.
At home, relaxing, I wear skirt, dress or leggings a few times a week (when kids don't have friends visiting of course), actually I wear the same when relaxing out during my Sunday brunch.

This is my balance,
and I can switch anywhere between "hard man" or "dad" and "soft girl" whenever I feel the need or desire or what the strength either sides provide

[Aprilrain]

I would seek the guidance of a qualified gender therapist. Hormones come with a lot of changes, changes that may not be conducive to life as a married man. Transition should only be undertaken as a last resort.

[JohnH]

I guess I am blessed with my wonderful wife who has expressed to me she really prefers me after my going on M2F HRT. In fact she suggested I start the regimen. With her ill health she is unable to have sex with me - that is kind of frustrating. I am still able to get an erection (however with difficulty) with "Rosie Palm and her five sisters".

And if one thinks estrogen will raise the pitch of the voice - guess what? That is not true. I still have the basso profundo voice I had before the M2F HRT and that will NOT change.

Johanna

[Carlene]

Thank all of you who took the time to respond and to those who sent pms. I appreciate the good advice and the comfort of knowing that I can talk to others of similar nature.

Carlene....:hugs: