Why do I choose to struggle?

[dreamer_2.0]

I'm not sure this is something anyone other than myself can answer. Perhaps there are some who have similar experiences though and can share their thoughts.

For the vast majority of my life I have wanted to be a girl. I've dreamed, fantasized, prayed for the body and life of a female. It's probably safe to say that, like all of us, the GD has had a profoundly negative impact on my life and not a day goes by that I don't feel the pain it causes.

I used to CD a lot, always in secret, while growing up and was able to openly explore my femininity with an ex-girlfriend in my 20s. Despite the freedom to explore, the GD was ever-present and led to some breakdowns. I never considered myself TG and certainly not TS. One time at a Pride event in my city my ex pointed out a TS girl and I wished that my fem side was "bad enough" so that I could justify a transition.

After that relationship ended and I moved back home with my parents, all dressing and exploring stopped. But now that I'm back living on my own again, I've got the freedom to explore and also now believe I am TG and seriously considering transition.

You'd think that after spending so much time dreaming to be female that I'd jump at the chance to finally do it...yet I hesitate. Actually, hesitate isn't strong enough as I'm actively running away from it and all things fem!

I don't dress anymore, haven't been the therapy in over a month, am avoiding the support group meetings and a gender program put on by the LGBT resource centre in my city. I don't let myself do anything feminine and appear to prefer living the life of a recluse bachelor, shovelling junk food down my throat, playing video games on the couch and getting high on weed everyday.

I recognize that I am the master (or rather mistress) of my own destiny but choose to continue living in a depressed state slowly killing myself with extreme apathy.

I'm confused as to WHY I choose to continue a life full of nothing but struggling. I'm confused as to WHY I'm intentionally avoiding my feminine feelings and have taken a 180 degree turn to run away from what was once, and still is, the deepest dream I've ever had.

How does one move forward in life when they don't really want to? How does one rekindle a love for life when all they see and feel is negative?

I'm likely the only one who can get myself out of this massive rut but, frankly, I don't want to. ...I don't want to be a girl anymore, I don't want to transition. Typing that last line is strange as I don't know if it's true or just a life I'm telling myself.

Is this stage perhaps what some TS girls describe as reaching a point where it's either transition or die? I'm quite certain I won't take my own life...but do look forward to life ending.

If you were once in a similar position, how did you escape it? How did you get yourself to care again?

[kimdl93]

I would suggest you get your but back to your therapist. And instead of trying to make life changing decisions while struggling with depression, focus on resolving the depressive moods, then, when you're reengaged with life and capable of rational thought, unclouded by mood or emotion, then start considering your options for the future.

And in the mean time, lay off the junk food, turn off the video games, get out of your hideaway and do something constructive. Isolation, poor diet, and lack of exercise can cause and aggravate depressive moods.

[rachael.davis]

I have a GG friend who has evolved into my big sister over the years. A couple of years ago I was frightened, discouraged, self destructive...I think most of the women here know the drill.
I made a comment to her that I was ready to stuff the Djinn back into it's magic lamp, her reply was Well sis, how well did that work the last couple of hundred times you tried it?

Please, for your own sake, call your therapist, get to your therapist even if you have to drag yourself down the street to their office. Work out the depression that is dragging you under.

It isn't a question of transition or die, it's a question of staying alive by any means necessary - for me that meant accepting that starting to actively transition meant starting to actively live. It's a pretty nice planet all told, you should plan on spending more time on it.

[stefan37]

I solved that feeling of emptiness. The constant use of alcohol and pot by letting go. I stopped waging internal war and started electrolysis and hormones. The introduction of estrogen immediately obliterated my anxiety and craving for drugs and alcohol. As I travel farther along the road of transition, it just feels right.


My life today has meaning. I have a zest for life that was muted before. Find ways to be authentic and be amazed how the dysphoria dissipates.

[Rachelakld]

Everyone with a mild form of depression wants life to end (okay so my dad has gone beyond the "mild" and all my daughters boyfriends are on drugs for depression).
CBT and hypno jump quickly to my mind, as well as the usual drugs (NOT weed etc - kids tell me it makes it worse).
Once your dopamine receptors are cleared, then you'll be free to chose your future.
First step first- chose to see your therapist

[Rachel Smith]

You are at a difficult place that I remember well. As others have said get back to therapy ASAP. You need to get sober and figure out WHY you feel the way you do and that will tell you what step to take next.

Chin up sweetie
Hugs
Rachel

[Billiejosehine]

Reading your post I can say I honestly relate and I'm going through the same problems. And this has been going for some 20 years dealing with shame, guilt, denying that part of self and try to fit in the social norm, and CDing just to cope with these feeling and to get by in life. I even tried to self medicate to change my body, but stopped. I could never accept myself for who I was and I hated myself asking why are things harder for me then anybody else. But during the times I did CD and stuck with it I felt more at ease and better able to function in society even though I still stayed hidden. As of last year lot of stuff came to the surface and with the other relationship problems I to had a mental break down to the point of suicidal thoughts because I couldn't take it anymore and I was tired of struggling. Someone has told me this is a transition or die, which I'm still stuck in a year later. While I know what I want and need to do, I'm still held back by certain things such as the life I worked so hard to create to fit in (getting married, owning a home, and having kids). So I'm a serious point in my life where I'm now sitting here really asking myself: is it worth me not being myself and try to get by in life or do I decide to finally take the steps to be myself. And no one but myself can answer that question.

[Badtranny]

I know I say this a lot but 'every trans girl I know in real life' including me was not in a frantic state when we decided to pull the pin. I understand being at the end of your rope but you really need to develop some coping skills before you move forward with something as profound as a gender transition.

And I also have to throw in that the root of transition has nothing to do with what you're wearing. Claiming your identity is about so much more, and you gotta have guts of steel to get through that first year. The community is already loaded with insecure gals who like to stay in the tranny ghettos and get offended by every perceived slight. Don't be one of those. Transition is about being the best version of yourself.

[Daphne Renee]

It is a struggle. no one wants to be different. somewhere in the back of your mind You might be thinking you are a man and your supposed to act like one. You might even worry about how others might react if you start to transition. In my life I have just come to realize that I have to be happy with myself. I might make the wrong decisions but I will have to make them anyhow. Choosing to do nothing isnt really a choice at all.. just my thoughts..

[Michelle789]

I've been going through a lot of similar stuff as you have. Not exactly in the same way or same order, but very similar. I had a desire to be a girl since I was 5, and I tried repressing myself as much as possible. I tried to convince myself that I must be a boy, since the world saw me as one, and I tried to fit in as best as I could. I never really fit in well with boys & men, and I never felt complete or whole. I always felt like I was a girl on the inside. I had no real understanding of what was going on. People thought I was gay, including my own family. I cross-dressed a lot privately, and only privately. The past 4 years it seems the GD has been coming out stronger and stronger, with 2013 being the worst by far. I had suicidal thoughts and prayed to God that I would die and be reincarnated as a girl throughout 2012 and 2013. I joined this forum in September to help me to figure out what is going on with me, and everyone says I should see a therapist. I really should, but am afraid to. I'm really scared. I can relate to all the thoughts of considering transition being some sort of fetish or fantasy.

As screwed up as it sounds, I feel freaked out when people read me as gay or feminine. But when people read me as straight or masculine, it triggers the GD.


I've dreamed, fantasized, prayed for the body and life of a female.

Me too. I also had fantasies of being with a girl who would turn me into a girl. I dreamed about growing up to be a woman when I was a kid. I dreamed about being reincarnated as a girl in my next life. It took on so many different forms, but it was always present.



appear to prefer living the life of a recluse bachelor, shovelling junk food down my throat, playing video games on the couch and getting high on weed everyday.

I've been a bachelor all my adulthood. I used to drink, smoke, and shove junk food down my throat, gained weight, not see doctors or dentists. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I quit the junk food, except for an occasional treat. I do cardio exercise. I lost weight. I started going to doctors and dentists. Oh, and I quit drinking energy drinks 3 weeks ago.

Guess what? The gender dysphoria has only got stronger. The past 6 years, especially the past 4, I really turned around all my bad habits slowly. The GD has got only worse each year and with each positive change in my lifestyle habits. I passed a physical 2 months ago and everything, including blood sugar, was perfectly normal. I'm pretty sure if I had any Candida problem I reversed it. I mention Candida because it's believed that Candida has depression and anxiety symptoms + sugar cravings. At this point, it's very clear that I have good habits and no diabetes, cholesterol, or Candida problem.

The gender symptoms, along with the depression & anxiety ("indirect dysphoria") have all gotten incredibly worse over the past 4 years along with my improvements in physical health. What does this tell me? This tells me that the problem is't my lifestyle habits, although I let myself go for many years. It sounds like I have depression and anxiety. And since I'm experiencing strong gender symptoms as well, it's probably GD. Yet, I'm so scared to go see a therapist. I'm scared of tearing apart my subpar quality of life to be true to myself.


You need to get sober and figure out WHY you feel the way you do and that will tell you what step to take next.

You should definitely get sober. It will help put you in a better mental and physical state. Remember drinking, drugs, and food are just coping mechanisms we use to cope with the GD. I removed mine but at least it's clearer what's going on since I'm not using any substances to cope and I don't have to worry about any depression-causing Candida parasites.

[Phydelia]

I recognize that I am the master (or rather mistress) of my own destiny but choose to continue living in a depressed state slowly killing myself with extreme apathy.


i think that's the core of your problem... It sounds (and while i'm not a doctor, nor do i play one on the Internet, i do have 30 years experience in the matter) like you're suffering from severe depression, and need to deal with that before you can really get to work on any other part of your life. It sounds as though the self-medication isn't helping, and since i assume the Canadian version of the AMA has the same sort of lock on "medication" that they do here in the States, you'll need to go to a shrink to get your dopamine and serotonin levels balanced chemically through interminable trial and error.



I'm confused as to WHY I choose to continue a life full of nothing but struggling.

Nobody chooses it... that's just the way life is. You're born into it, it's full of struggle, and you do what you can/can force yourself to.


I'm quite certain I won't take my own life...but do look forward to life ending.

If you were once in a similar position, how did you escape it? How did you get yourself to care again?

In my case, i finally got a job (after 3-1/2 years of cursing myself because i was too afraid of the Great Unknown to end it via 110-mph motorcycle), so if you have anything in your life that's destroying your self-worth in a similar manner (being single? Which is a whooooolleee Catch-22) that should probably be the first thing you address, but otherwise... it could just be chemical.

[sandra-leigh]

Should I stop by on Tuesday coming and stand and scowl at you until you dress and we head to Masquerade? Or the Parents and Friends support group is at the same time same location.

I have been up and down, mostly down, the last several months. There have been lots of times, especially October and November, when I was feeling almost indifferent, and idlying thinking "why bother to transition?". Which was certainly different than I had sometimes felt in the year previous, where I would get bouts of "It is too hard / too scary / too much loss to transition, maybe I should give up and go back to being male and suffer with that because in some ways it would be so much easier to not be so different!"

At the moment, I am not feeling any strong push to go further, and part of my mind is still asking "How do you know? You don't feel female enough, do you? Wouldn't it be a mistake?". But that part of my mind is more distant than it has often been. I do not know. I do not feel especially female. I do not know transitioning would not be a mistake. But at present the way seems to be clearing for me, the opportunity seems to be getting more real, and I find myself accepting further transition. The reasons why I should transition are hard to articulate and I am not feeling strong nameless emotions. It just... feels like Time. And I am aware of feeling that if I don't go ahead, I am going to keep dwelling on it and second-guessing myself and getting upset with myself for not having the gumption to go ahead.

Why would you actively want to Not Transition at this point? There could be a number of reasons.

Imagine, though, that you are on one side of a fire, and you can see something desireable on the other side of the fire. When you are distant from the fire, no real chance to approach it, you really long to go to the other side. And then there comes a time when you find yourself allowed as close to the fire as you want. Then, Shit Becomes Real, and you can hold out your hand and feel the heat of the fire, and you still want what is on the other side but you become aware that going through the fire is Going To Hurt. Maybe Hurt Badly. And the more you dwell on how much it might hurt, the more the fire seems so hot. You stop being aware of wanting to cross, and starting feeling like "I never wanted those grapes anyways."

Now ask yourself: if you no longer care about crossing the fire, why are you still hanging around close to it, looking at what is on the other side? If you truly no longer desired to cross the fire, then you'd be wandering off, finding yourself a Bridge club or a Fantasy Hockey League. If the fire and what is on the other side of it no longer fascinates you, you would Squirrel! and laugh and Get On With Life. But if you sit back from the fire actively Not Wanting to cross the fire, then you need to be asking yourself whether perhaps instead you are mostly afraid of how much the fire will burn you when you jump over it.

Only you can decide whether jumping over the candle-stick is right for you, but as long as you are unclear in your mind about Why or Why Not, then you'll probably end up sticking close to it.

[Foxglove]

Dreamer, I can't speak for what's going on in your heart, but I can say what's going on in mine.

Even though I've been out full-time for more than a year now, I could still go back to my old life. It would be a bit of trouble, but I could still do it because as yet I haven't done anything irreversible.

And it would make things easy in a way. Just as I was before in my old life, I'd be safe within society, doing what everybody expected me to do. None of this crazy female stuff with makeup and skirts, etc. I wouldn't have anybody questioning me, I wouldn't be at risk of running into anybody's hostility.

Furthermore, I'd be safe within myself. I could accept the image of myself that I manufactured and maintained for so long. I wouldn't have to question myself. I wouldn't have to wonder who I really am. I wouldn't have to take any risks. Just accept the old image: it's something I know. It tells me where and who I am. It makes me comfortable. I can tell myself, "None of this is my fault! You see, I'm off the hook!" So what if my life is so depressingly bland. It doesn't cost me anything--except that depressing blandness, which I did manage to come to terms with.

And yet--the Magic Wand Test still remains. If it were easy, if I could simply wave a magic wand and be what I wanted to be, would I do it? I wouldn't hesitate. So how can I go back?

[Aprilrain]

I don't miss anything about my old life, which isn't to say the new one is perfect but it's real. I don't know if you need to transition or not but sitting around wasting away avoiding life isn't doing you any good that's for sure!

So Why do you choose to struggle?

[gonegirl]

Even though I've been out full-time for more than a year now, I could still go back to my old life. It would be a bit of trouble, but I could still do it because as yet I haven't done anything irreversible.

Foxglove, I don't understand how being full time, with everything that it entails, is not an irreversible state of living (at least not without considerable damage to one's life in society). Could you explain how it is that you have not yet done anything irreversible?

Sincerely,
Simone.

[Angela Campbell]

I have done the one irreversible thing. I let everyone know. That is the ONE thing that truly can never be undone. Once everyone knows they know. There is no possible way I could go back to my old life after that..

[GabbiSophia]

I would say that the answer is in front of you ... the unknown is scary as hell.. fear holds everyone back from something at some point. From what they tell me once you get past that fear it becomes a little easier. For me knowing that the fear is there and walking to the edge of it is am everyday thing that doesn't allow me to move anywhere toward helping my GD. That's my take on it anyways. Fear and being stubburn

[Foxglove]

I have done the one irreversible thing. I let everyone know. That is the ONE thing that truly can never be undone. Once everyone knows they know. There is no possible way I could go back to my old life after that..

This is true. This the one irreversible thing I've done.

It's a bit odd. I was never afraid of people knowing that I'm trans. What scared me was the idea of them seeing me.


Foxglove, I don't understand how being full time, with everything that it entails, is not an irreversible state of living (at least not without considerable damage to one's life in society). Could you explain how it is that you have not yet done anything irreversible?

Sincerely,
Simone.

But my approach to the whole question has been different from a lot of people's. When I was mooting the idea of coming out, some people suggested that I should adopt something of an androgynous look and lifestyle. I immediately rejected that idea. I didn't want to be androgynous. I wanted to be a woman.

But that's where I got hung up. Basically I was scared silly. I couldn't believe that the people of my little town would accept me living the way I wanted to. I thought the idea was crazy.

So I saw little point in doing HRT or anything else. Why do it if I wasn't living the way I wanted to live? The real question, then, was, could I live the way I wanted to live? Only one way to find out.

So I simply got out. And to my utter astonishment, nobody in this town (apart from the total morons we call "schoolboys") has had any problem with that.

So, to date all I've done is change my name and most of my legal documents. (Three of them are a real problem, and I don't know what I'm going to do about them.) But now that I've seen that I can live my preferred lifestyle, I'm turning my mind to other things--HRT, etc.--trying to decide how much further I want to go. I believe that I'll start in pretty soon now.

So it is still open to me at this point to go back to my old ways if I wanted to. I'd have to change my name and legal documents back. That would be a nuisance, but it could be done. It would be a big embarrassment for me in this town, going back to my old lifestyle. I'd have to tell people, "Changed my mind! I decided that really wasn't the life for me." Embarrassing, but it wouldn't be a big problem. If they'll let me live as a woman, no reason why they wouldn't let me live as a man again.

I'm not going to do that, though. I'm enjoying life too much these days.

[Rianna Humble]

Foxglove, I am concerned that you keep referring to this as a "lifestyle". For a transsexual person suffering from acute Gender Dysphoria (or having overcome that through completing transition) it is no more of a lifestyle choice than the colour of skin you were born with is a lifestyle choice.

Have you discussed this outlook wit a reputable gender specialist?

[Foxglove]

Foxglove, I am concerned that you keep referring to this as a "lifestyle". For a transsexual person suffering from acute Gender Dysphoria (or having overcome that through completing transition) it is no more of a lifestyle choice than the colour of skin you were born with is a lifestyle choice.

Yes, Rianna. I'm well aware of this. I don't need any instruction on this point. I use the word "lifestyle" because there I have a choice. It doesn't change what I am. It's just a question of whether I want to be happy or not. It's a question of whether I want to live according to my nature or not. And for far too many years I didn't.


Have you discussed this outlook wit a reputable gender specialist?

No, I don't need to discuss this "outlook" with anybody.

[Angela Campbell]

So what is an irreversible change? SRS? Would a trans man agree with that?

To me this business about "irreversible" changes is just another thing the gatekeepers use to slow things down.

[Foxglove]

So what is an irreversible change? SRS?

Yes, it certainly would be. If I underwent SRS, I wouldn't be what I am now, and there'd be no going back to what I am now. The question for me is, Is that what I want? Is it what I need?


Would a trans man agree with that?

To me this business about "irreversible" changes is just another thing the gatekeepers use to slow things down.

What transmen and gatekeepers think about the question is up to them. For me, the question is what I think about it. Would SRS make me happier than I am now? I'm not entirely sure. This is why I'm thinking about it carefully before I get into it.

[Angela Campbell]

You'd think that after spending so much time dreaming to be female that I'd jump at the chance to finally do it...yet I hesitate. Actually, hesitate isn't strong enough as I'm actively running away from it and all things fem!.

I'm confused as to WHY I choose to continue a life full of nothing but struggling. I'm confused as to WHY I'm intentionally avoiding my feminine feelings and have taken a 180 degree turn to run away from what was once, and still is, the deepest dream I've ever had.

How does one move forward in life when they don't really want to? How does one rekindle a love for life when all they see and feel is negative?

To me this sounds like fear. It is up to you to get through it in whatever way you can. In my life the fear was strong and it made decisions very difficult and in many peoples lives the fear is why they had to reach some kind of crisis (do or die) before they can move on. Some never do. Some simply cannot overcome the fear without crisis, while some are able to.



I'm likely the only one who can get myself out of this massive rut but, frankly, I don't want to. ...I don't want to be a girl anymore, I don't want to transition. Typing that last line is strange as I don't know if it's true or just a life I'm telling myself.

If you were once in a similar position, how did you escape it? How did you get yourself to care again?

Is it really that you do not want to? Or is it that the fear is so strong you simply cannot face it?

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry Foxglove that I misunderstood you to have said that you are transsexual. If you are making a lifestyle choice that doesn't need to be discussed, then that sounds much more like someone who is Gender Non Conforming.

I will try to bear that in mind next time you write something that gives me concern.

[Foxglove]

Rianna, a year ago when I came out, I wasn't sure what or where I was. Today, I have a better idea, but there are still questions.

Gender dysphoria is something I've felt from time to time all my life, but I've spent my life deep in denial and repression. Hence my difficulties in knowing where I am. The gender dysphoria I feel has become more acute lately. A year ago I anticipated that it might.

But I've gone about things the way I have because I felt it was the right way for me. Gender dysphoria is one thing--but can I actually live the life? Does it really suit me? A year ago I wasn't sure it would. Now I am. But it was important for me to be sure of that before I did anything else. I know that others wouldn't have gone about this way, but I have no regrets about the way I've done it.

I'm beginning to address other questions now. But I see no sense in pushing myself unnecessarily. Unlike a lot of people, I'm in no great distress now. All in all, my life is very happy. As I've indicated elsewhere, I'm pretty sure I'll start HRT fairly soon. But I'll do that just as I've done the other things I've done--when I feel the time is right. I wasted a whole lifetime. A bit more time isn't going to hurt. I'll take the next step when I feel it's right.

So where exactly am I? The above is the best I can say on that subject. When I say "lifestyle", I don't mean something that I just pull out of the air. I mean something that is right for me. That's what I'm in the process of discovering.

[dreamer_2.0]

Resuming therapy today. Time to get back on the horse, again.

For those of you who struggle(d), how many times did you fall of the horse in your quest for peace?

[Michelle789]

I haven't started therapy yet. I guess I'm struggling to get on the horse in the first place.

[sandra-leigh]

There was a period about a year ago where I was feeling like I wasn't getting anything out of gender therapy and I considered dropping it or at least slowing down to perhaps every 3 or 4 months. It wasn't the therapist's fault; I wasn't feeling good physically, I was foggy mentally, and my life seemed to be pretty much on hold. I took it an indication that it was time to think again about what I wanted out of therapy.

[Amy A]

I guess instead of getting on the horse then falling off, I spent my 20s firstly trying to ignore the horse without success, then I would occasionally feed it biscuits whilst looking at it suspiciously. Then came a period of leaving the gate open in the hope that the damn thing would bolt, before I came to realise that I secretly really wanted it to stick around and that I wasn't going to be able to get rid of it anyway. So I bought a saddle, and climbing up was a bit scary but it wasn't so bad once I got comfy.

Then I just rode around telling everyone 'BEHOLD, for I am on a horse!'.

Turns out my horse was fairly tame.

And that's how you spin a joke out as far as it will go (and probably beyond) :D

Glad you are back in therapy though, it's best to face things head on rather than hide, at least that way you'll perhaps feel a bit more in control.

[dreamer_2.0]

...it's best to face things head on rather than hide, at least that way you'll perhaps feel a bit more in control.

Good point as I currently do not feel in control of anything.