What a predicament.

[Taragirl427]

I am not sure why I am even posting this. I suppose I need to vent and/or maybe hear that I'm not alone in this. Here goes:

I am in a bind right now that I see no way out of. I am married. My wife absolutely forbids my crossdressing. I try so hard to suppress my needs for my family's sake, but I think we all know that is not possible. So here I am in this cycle of suppression, accumulation, capitulation, shame, purging, etc. I am really beating myself up about it. I don't want to ruin my family. If I were caught it would destroy everything. Yet no matter how hard I try to resist, this part of me always seems to win eventually. I may make it months or years but it always manages to defeat my efforts. If I could choose to excise this from my life I would in an instant. I guess that is proof enough to me that there is no choice in the matter, at least in my case. Something is hardwired in me that causes this need. I understand why my wife forbids it. I don't think there are many women who would actively seek a husband that wants to be a woman. I also feel like she doesn't understand what an unshakable part of my being this is. This isn't just some perversion or preference. This is an expression of an integral part of me. It isn't something that can just be shut off and locked away forever. My fear is that I will spend my life suppressing this major part of myself only to have my marriage and family fall apart on me when I can't live up to these demands. There has never been anything in my entire life that was so impossible to accomplish. I feel starved existentially. I feel like I am playing my assigned role, with herculean effort, yet still barely keeping my head above water. I am sure I am a worse husband as more time goes by due to how i feel inside. I am not happy in this, but definitely do not want a divorce. I just want to be released from the oppression I feel. Does that make sense? At this point, if anything were to happen to this marriage, I can not imagine ever putting myself in this situation again.

I have been wondering a lot lately just how far this predilection would take me were I able to practice it, unrestricted. I, as many of you, have seen this part of me evolve and grow into something much more complex than it started as. I have begun to wonder if I am trans or simply a crossdresser. I know i entertain the notion regularly that, under other circumstances, I would live full time as a woman outside of work. I am not sure if this stems from repressing the desires so much or if I am just growing and understanding this part of me more fully. I have tried to seek counseling but, unfortunately, in my area they are primarily faith-based and have basically just said I should stop. Great advice...money well spent. So I turn to this forum for my guidance. I apologize for this stream of consciousness rant...there is just so much on my mind. I feel extremely depressed at the bleak outlook I see before me. I am unable to be whole, and am unable to do what is required to sustain the relationship. Thanks for listening and best wishes to you all.

[RADER]

I see that you are rather new to the forum, so first thing is to welcome you here.
You did not state how long have you been married, and if you have any children?
These are things that can make what road you are going to travel important.
Try taking your wife to counseling, maybe she will understand then.
Rader

[LauraOTN]

Hey, Vent away. Sometimes it helps. I don't have a lot of advice for this situation, but I hope for you!

[AllieSF]

Tara, I understand what you are saying and strongly recommend you go back to searching for a therapist experienced treating trans issues. They do exist, maybe not in your town, but in one of your larger cities. I have a recently post-op TS friend that lives in Chattanooga. She has a therapist nearby. Your issues won't go away until you get the help that you need. You will get a lot of opinions and recommendations here with many based on their own experiences dealing with the same issues. However, finding that correct therapist who can also become a good intermediary between you and your wife would be a great help for both of you. You can start without her and then later invite her based on your therapists recommendations. Personally, I might just start without even telling her since she is so negative.

You are so correct that by not dealing with it soon you will go further downhill and those around you just may join you in that slide. Good luck.

[JenniferR771]

My situation is similar. Wife now knows, but hates my crossdressing. Counseling around here tends to be religious-based--he thought it was a sexual addiction--suggested purging. Another counselor didn't want to see us again after I mentioned leather and rubber.
Bi women are often OK with cding. Most other women will tolerate it to a one degree or another. Over a long period of time, my wife has realized, I am mostly a good husband and father. She is smart and strong-willed; likes to make all the decisions. She allows me to go to support group meetings once a month. If I treat her nice, she doesn't seem to mind that I dress and take photos once per week when she is gone.

[GiannaD]

Yeah, I can see how the CRC would frown on CD'ing! Even though their kids are serious hell raisers in their youth!

[candydawn75]

Tara,

Wow I am sorry to hear this. Have you talked to your wife about a compromise? Say one night every other week, month, etc?? Luckily my wife is accepting and encouraging. I hope the best for you. As you I wonder could I go all the way and dress all the time and simply not sure. All I can say is follow your heart (what makes you happy) and with that what you can compromise with your family (kids). Your wife is .... well a life partner. If they can't handle "you" then are they really your "best friend". Mine I can easily say yes she is my best friend and life partner. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Sonya]

It is so sad to read these posts yet so many of us have been in similar predicaments. It is such a hard choice, to live for yourself or just live for your family and others for the rest of your life. Without knowing you personally or living your life none of us can really help you much. We can read, understand and sympathise with you but ultimately you need to make the best decision for you. My only advice would be first try to figure out where you belong in the gender spectrum, then work on accepting who you are and then have many conversations with your so and see if you could come up with some kind of compromise where both of you can be content. Wish you the best of luck.

[~Joanne~]

I never know what to say about these type of posts. They always make me feel really bad but at the same time make me realize how blessed I truly am. I understand the never ending nagging from the girl within when you try to suppress your CDing.

On that note, most of us know about this side of our being from an early age. I know a lot of the purging, guilt, and denial happen over and over again but knowing this, it escapes me as to why you enter into a marriage knowing this isn't going away. You've already tried for years already. You know it's going to come back no matter what you try or how many shrinks tell you their be all end all ways of stopping.

I know your now in the marriage and I know how important family is to you but for those that aren't married yet, maybe you should really think about it fully before you go into a marriage , you may think it's going to cure you of this burden but it's not.

I know finding a woman that accepts this and is supportive is very hard but they are out there.

[Isabella77]

This is a terrible situation to be in. I think anyone who has ever participated in this forum knows this feeling to some degree or another. When my daughter was born a had a major purge of pretty nice clothes. That did not make things go away.
Maybe I don't have to face as much intolerance I think but I have more intolerance for myself. Never trusted my X enough to let her know; she just wasn't the kind of person to care about other people's issues or personal problems. Even hinting around to her was useless. Regardless of what I am and what she is not, things would have fallen apart anyways - a lot sooner if it weren't for my little girl.
However, in your situation I see an advantage. She knows about you. She cares about you or she wouldn't still be there. For now, let's assume she cares more about you as a person than as a role. There is a difference here that will make itself clear throughout time. You need to stand your ground where you have it. We all have to give up a lot being fem, but fight for some ground for you to keep. I was thinking about saying plead your case but then again, it's not about being judged. It's about who you are. Let her know there is a point where you have to express yourself. From there just do your best to express it to her that you are who you are. This is going to seriously test your relationship but, from my experience, if things aren't going to work then they're not going to work. No sense in torturing yourself over it. You'll just end up crazy like me. :)
Wish you the best of luck, really.
Your pain is shared by a lot of others. Must be hard to see in a repressive cultural environment, but there are people a lot closer to you than you think that share some of the same feelings.

[Joanne f]

Hello Tara ,
it is a very difficult and upsetting thing for you to have to cope with , you are in a situation where you have this part of you that you must give into in some way and express it but you are also in a situation where you are forbidden to do this and it is hard for you to understand why as it is hard for your wife to understand why you need to do this , I am not sure that everyone ends up understanding why so the best you can go for is some sort of acceptance that you need to do this but the hard part is trying to get someone who does not understand to at least accept you need this to be a happier person which will benefit them as well and this seems to be the only way forward for you at the moment , it is not a question of changing the way your wife thinks about CDing it is more on the lines of getting her to understand that you need it which is going to cause some conflict in your wife's mind but it can be done and talking is the only way .

[Marcelle]

Hi Tara,

This is a common situation for a lot of gals here on this forum and I am sure some will reach out to you with advice. However, you did say one thing that resonates . . . "My fear is that I will spend my life suppressing this major part of myself only to have my marriage and family fall apart on me when I can't live up to these demands." This statement speaks volumes about the reality of your situation in that you are being asked to make a very hard choice (give up a part of you or potentially give up your family) but in the end the outcome may be the same. The other thing you may not have thought about but it does come across in your post is the "emotional" damage which may be occurring to you as you suppress an integral part of your psyche.

I would never advocate "just packing it in" and moving on with your life away from your family. What I can recommend is counselling and not just for you but for you and your wife. If you have to travel to find a marriage therapist who deals in "trans" issues, I say do so. However, in the end your wife needs to be willing to participate and if she is not then you are back to the "hard choice" option.

In the end, while I applaud your desire to keep your family together and fulfill your role as husband and father, you also have to think about yourself (this is not being selfish but pragmatic). If you continue to suppress, it is plausible that suppression will lead to anger/resentment and those feelings could be turned outward to your family.

Just my two cents sweetie but I truly think you need to seek the help of a professional on this one and not just rely on the advice of strangers who do not know your intimate circumstances.

Hugs

Isha

[Maria in heels]

Tara...first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. Knowing that your wife is unhappy is clear, and you even state it in your post that "yet still barely keeping my head above water. I am sure I am a worse husband as more times goes by due to how I feel inside". This says it all...

Try to think things thru on your own, and if you can, find someone that you can talk to without any reservation. I know that this is going to be a hard thing to do, and even trying to find a "therapist" who is open to listening can be a daunting task, but do not give up. I know that it can be hard to try and work thru your own feelings, and sometimes the wondering can get to oneself ... "if only I could..." is not something to try and dwell on. Smile at yourself in the mirror...go ahead, try it, and see how it makes you feel instantly. Its that feeling that you need to recapture, and then you can try to see what you can do with your wife. Maybe a DADT policy could be arranged...

[Beverley Sims]

I would do a lot more reading on th forum before making any ill considered decisions.

[Kate Simmons]

Offhand I would venture to say that you really need to get in touch with your feelings so as to understand the process of CDing. You need to control it and not vice versa. Dressing should be something that brings us joy not somethings that depresses us and brings us despair. Self understanding will alleviate some of that.:)

[Helen Grandeis]

Once you decide that you love your wife and that she loves you.....

It is OUR conventional wisdom that over the long term we MUST CD. The urge may be dormant or ignored for days, months or years but it must eventually surface and be satisfied. If we in fact have no choice, we should always be examining our relationships with the idea of maximizing consideration, respect and service to our partners. Little things like not raising our voices, not interrupting her when she is talking, small acts of chivalry and kindness will all build a relationship that is otherwise so strong that a partner will never stop loving you and never stop expressing that love.

Be a value added partner. For the things that you HAVE control over strive to do your best. Treat your wife like Johnny Lingo and make her feel like you paid her father eight cows for her. At worse you will have a quiet DADT at best maybe a BFF.

[kymberlyjean]

I feel bad for you. I was in a similar situation years ago, which ended in a bitter divorce. I felt the same way you are fearing, that no one else would ever love me and that I would not put myself in that situation again. Later and much further down the road, she realized how selfish and unreasonable that she was, and she doesn't loving someone doesn't mean that she has to love everything about them. I got the whole "if you love me, you'll stop" and she didn't realize that stopping and loving were two totally independent things. I couldn't stop no more than she could stop being left handed. I suppose you could cut of or restrain the left hand, but then a whole, free, self actualized person. The same thing would happen if you or I cut off or restrained that part of us. And what if I didn't love her being left handed? Well if I really loved her and wanted her to grow and flourish as a person, I would have to figure out how to let her use her left hand and accept that she does. I don't even need to understand it, only accept it and love her in spite of it.
So now here I am, years later I was able to find someone (I wasn't looking, so I guess she found me), and I kept my promise to myself to not get into that situation again. I was up front with her and even though she doesn't love it, she accepts it and loves the rest of me even more. She doesn't understand it, but she does understand that I need it and that I'm not a whole or happy person without it. Do I wish I hadn't had to go through the suffering and pain of the divorce? Yes, and I hope no one else ever has to. Am I glad I did? Absolutely, because I now have a beautiful, loving, understanding, right handed wife ;-)

[Lexi Moralas]

I am in a some what similar situation my self , my heart goes out to you !

[Rachael Leigh]

Tara I really relate to your situation, my wife knows and is DADT and it makes it so much more difficult. I love my wife more than anything and she thinks I love this more. Wrong its not that I love it more its just part of me and it needs to be expressed.
Hon I understand the faith based counselor since my faith is also a part of me and it makes for me even more difficult to deal with this side of myself.
You see I don't believe in condemning anyone for our choices or for the part of life we have been dealt, we all TG TS CD or any number of things have been given something and how we deal with it must be our choices.
My faith has been strong and I will never waver from it.
Our wives have every right to choose not to deal with this but it is never easy not anymore easy than if the husband drank to much or hit his wife.
Don't get me wrong not comparing this to those things but I guess our situation just makes our wives seem to think they are the only ones who have husbands like this and they would be so wrong. Many of us try to not be this way but we fail and it makes us feel like failures everytime we are reminded of it.
Ok I think Im rambling but I hope you understand.
Hugs Leigh

[Jaylyn]

I think maybe my wife would resent my dressing if she knew I was going to go whole hog on it. Meaning changing into a woman full time. I struggled for years with it till finally little by little she accepted that I am still her manly man that just enjoys this weird hobby of wanting to look pretty from time to time.believe me it can be as addicting as fishing, hunting, scuba diving, guitars, horses, or even drinking if we let it. If your wife will accept it just a small bit such as just letting you feel pretty every now and then and you can control the budget, and hours put into the hobby, while all along being the man of the house then your marriage will survive. If this can't happen you may be in for some rough times. Try incorporating a little under dressing to calm the savage fog that can take your life and turn it into a living hell. Maybe nylon boy shorts and hosiery for men at first. Tell her you love the feel of those. Next. Start with hose under neath and panties. Let her know after a while how good these feel all the while be more of a man than you need to be to her by supporting your love to her more than ever. Point is let your love to her grow slowly and the dressing grow slowly and try to just be satisfied with small steps. After all the kids are gone and it's just you and her it surprising how wives can can be a help into the world of CDs. Just my 2cents

[Allison Chaynes]

Hi Tara,

Most of my thoughts have been covered by others, so I'll just add that I know in TN there are some good gender counselors. I found one via Google searching. I'd bet you can find one not overly far from a large metro area. Look into a support group and see if that might help. I know there is a CD group in Nashville that might be a good resource called the Tennessee Vals, and in Memphis there is a TG group called Perpetual Transition that might be worth checking out.

[Alice Torn]

I feel very much conflicted as you are, only i a single, no girlfriend. I struggle because of my faith, too, and i am told to stop doing it. "its the same as quitting drinking or smoking. " God made you a man, not a woman." No, its not like stopping smoking or drinking. Single women have told me, that i will never be married, because no woman wants a man who dresses in women's clothes. Very, very few can undrestand, can they? To just "tough it up", and be like John Wayne, is very taxing on some of us. I wish it were that easy. For a few, quitting has been possible. The human mind, and being can change, and adapt amazingly. I am sure that if i was sent to jail, I would not CD. Or, if sent to some foreign lands, I would not dare to cd. If your wife could let you talk about it, and is she would educate herself, and check this site, there may be hope in the marriage, to improve. I feel for you, even though i am single. I get rejected virtually every time, when disclose it. I think we need to valuse our guy selves more, too. Even though the male energy has been in decline some, and men are devalued, we can value both sides of ourselves. CDing can take our whole life if we let it. Underdressing can help. Doing it only just once in a while is ok too. Quitting is ok, too, but not denying the desire is there.

[Rachel_B]

I honestly wish I had something to share to help you with your predicament but I know how hard it is to deny wanting to express your femme side. I started CD'ing years ago but then I joined the military right out of high school and wasn't able to do a thing about it until I actually got to my duty station. After being there for awhile, I finally got a room that I could lock to have privacy so I dressed as much as I could. There was one day where we had a inspection and the clothes where found. I was so embarrassed, I told them they belonged to a imaginary GF that left them there instead of telling them it was my stuff. Its like what some of the others are saying, once you start doing something and enjoy it, you can't stop. To me, its like being hungary but never eat anything until you get so hungary you NEED to eat something to satisfy that hunger(ok it might not be a good analogy but that's all I could think of)

[KristinTX]

Howdy Tara and sorry you're facing this trial. I've not told my wife yet but finally came out to a psychologist and it's been a huge help in understanding our situation and the dilemmas in can present. She serves as a sounding board and will occasionally offer advice in dealing with family and friends.

As a military vet, i'm able to use the VA resources, I'd encourage you to possibly visit a therapist solo then even possibly include your wife. Best of luck in your growth!

[Teresa]

Hello Tara, Most CDers feel that they have two halves, the sad part is both sides try so hard to be loving, faithful husbands and fathers and it's the rejection that hurts so much. You know CDing is not your wife's fault and you will never fully understand it yourself . I couldn't get my wife to attend therapy so I can't say it works but I hope it will work for you. The question I'm working on is why women find it so hard to understand and accept? They seem to want to cut off their right arm before they'll accept it!.

[Taragirl427]

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for your replies and insights. You ladies are awesome! I don't know what course to take. The only thing I do know is that I will try my best to do what is right for everyone involved. I have pondered giving therapy another shot, and perhaps this thread was what I needed to act on it.

I can't speak for every wife, but in the case of mine I understand why she feels the way she does. While she knew before we were married she feels like she was sold false goods. She fell in love with a man's man and felt deceived when I turned out to be, in her eyes, something different. Out of ignorance, I think, she expects and demands that this be suppressed. She feels betrayed when that demand isn't met. I understand all of this, and that has given me hope at times that perhaps she would come to understand more about this side of me and develop some degree of tolerance. Now, however, I do not entertain such illusions. She will never be ok with this. That fact saddens me deeply. I have grown a lot in my understanding of this phenomenon as it applies in my case over the past several years. I have learned that this is not just a fetish. It is not just crossdressing. It is who I really am. The thought of denying my true self for the benefit of those dear to me is, while noble, an extremely depressing one. I just need to work through these things with someone who is skilled enough to guide to a true understanding. Thank you, ladies, for lending me your ears and for your kind words :)

[annecwesley]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine about 15 years ago when my wife discovered my stash. Like you, I figured my world would be utterly destroyed if she found out. I honestly did not think I would be able to take it - I expected it would be the death of me. I had told her a few years before about liking to dress as a woman, and I gave her the impression it was something I'd left behind. Her discovery brought it all out. - And we survived it.

Like your wife mine felt betrayed that the man she married was not the man she - married. She was embittered by our situation. She considered taking the children and separating from me. She threw all my stuff away and guarded that trash can!

The resolution was counseling for me - at a mutually agreed upon counselor (a religious based one). While my wife may have thought my counseling would "cure" me, it instead convinced me that this is something that has been "hard wired" in my for some unknown reason, and it's not something that can be "cured" - it is only something that can be accommodated and controlled.

It took a few months of private counseling, reading and long discussions with my wife before she accepted that this was not going to go away. She developed some empathy, she will even buy me clothes an we can talk more or less openly about it. She's set some boundaries - she does not want me out in public, and she enforces that with insisting I not shave off my beard :-( . She still has good days and bad days with it. She fears that it will grow and that especially when the children are grown and moved out, that she'll lose her husband and end up with a room mate instead.

My advice then to you - a mutually agreed upon counselor who can get her to understand this "hard wired" obsession with woman's clothing. Accept some limits as the price of your marriage, but not limits that are going to put you in the same state of having to lie in order to practice your art to your satisfaction. Negotiate. If you have any strength in your marriage it just might work, and it's better than killing yourself with stress.

Oh, and try not to look more beautiful than her, at least when you're around her ;-) . There is something to "the other woman" syndrome when a woman has a crossdressing husband.