Why I "choose" to be the way that I am.

[Isabella77]

I'm reading all of your stories and I feel like I'm getting a much bigger picture of who people and who I am. Many of you are happily married and even share your CDing with your spouses. I envy and admire you. Wish I could have the freedom and the courage to live like you. Some of you are in situations even more oppressive than what I perceive to be in my world. I really feel for you. I also know that somewhere in your existence you have to find a ground to stand on, come what may.
I don't really deny who I am to anyone anymore but I don't confirm it either. There are certain people in my family enough who I have done all but come out and say who and or how what or whatever I am. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/icons/icon10.gif Still I don't really let anyone know my business or the things that I do. I suppose that I don't have a lot of trust and or faith in my fellow human beings. On the other hand, keeping people at arms length distance is also keeping me lonely.Been through a lot over the past five years. I guess when things happen I tend to pull back from the world. I don't really get anywhere in life however, and this is where CDing always takes over.
I have become more opened in the sense that I have experimented with my feminine side more. I've had sexual relationships with men over the past year or so. I enjoy this but it just seems like I'm trying to find something in myself that I don't already have. These relationships, like all others in my life, are comfortable at arms length distance. I'm just trying to find the point where I try to move on with myself in a way. Don't think I could ever really put crossdressing away. Just don't know how to bring things into completion. Can't pick up girls dressed in drag (unless anyone has some tips on this, LOL) but the truth is, I am more highly attracted to girls. Have never found a way to balance the two out however, and have not been able to develop the confidence to even try to get the girl a a "man" much less the silly pervert that I really am.
I'm really trying to choose better things for myself. I just look at myself and look at the world and I always come back to saying to myself; "There just isn't any way."
I'm even conscious enough about myself to know how bad this is for me but I can't seem to change the voice in my head.
Still trying every day to choose to try to make things better. I don't often feel like I accomplish this but I choose to try anyways. Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to stop trying and choosing to do instead.
Here's to hoping for some courage. Got a lot of demons in my head but I'm still here doing the best I can.

[Joanne f]

Hello Isabella,
I am not sure that you choose who you are but I am certain that you choose what you do about it and what you do not and that is the balance that you have to try to get right under your living conditions/circumstance's .
I have heard it said that being Bi is more natural than most people realize or will accept which leaves out the necessity to chose one or the other way for some who do not know which way they are sexually orientated so I would not worry to much about that and that will sort is self out at some point and remember dressing and acting/thinking like a female can play tricks on your mind but providing that you play it safe there is nothing wrong with that .

[Beverley Sims]

I think if you keep it private you can make all the decisions yourself.
Telling others just lets them pre judge you.

[flatlander_48]

Here's to hoping for some courage. Got a lot of demons in my head but I'm still here doing the best I can.

That is the main point. We're all just doing the best we can. The fact that you understand what you current situation is and what you don't like about it is significant. You can never work towards a solution if you don't know what you're trying to solve.

There's an old saying: "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got.". What I would encourage you to do is try some different activities in your free time and hopefully this might lead to new perspectives and new acquaintances. Note that I didn't say friends or lovers. That may, or may not, come later. Either way, it's good to just know people first.

[LaraPeterson]

Isabella, if you never let anyone in, you'll never figure out who you want to be. Life is all about relationships, not one-night stands. Keeping people at arm's length is just another coping mechanism that ultimately leads to denial of self. If you try to live that way forever, you will eventually lose your mind.

By all means, hang around and share. This is a pretty encouraging place.

[JulianneXD]

I didn't choose to be the way I am. Like Lady Gaga said I was born this way. I chose to give in to those internal urges and be the woman I am.