Argument and other emotions

[Irena]

Hi girls,

Yesterday my boyfriend and I where on a visit to a good girlfriend. At one moment she made a command about her new eye shadow and she showed us/me some makeup foto’s. I told her I liked it. At this point my boyfriend said(translated): “I bet you do because your my transgender girl” (with some semi evil smile). At this point a freaked out a bit because I couldn’t handle this. I told him to just go away. He wanted to say something else but I didn’t let him. And told him again: GO AWAY!
Our girlfriend wanted to back him up a bit. But I said he is just making me ridiculous. Then my boyfriend left. After this I had a long and quite emotion conversation with her(she is my best friend).
I told her a lot about my feelings. In the end I even told her that I want to be girl and I am making the first steps in that direction. She noticed that this are very deep feelings for me. In the end she was quite sweet and told me that I will always be the same person for her no matter if I am a boy or a girl.
We also talked a lot about my relation and how I am planning to tell him and if I see a future etc.
At moment this is all very difficult for me even writing this makes my cry. Next week I properly have my first appointment with a professional consular.
I also notice that my steps and reopening of my mind towards my feelings of being girl also reopens my disgusting and horrible feelings of me not being a girl. For such a long time I closed my mind just te be able to handle my appearance and looking as less in the mirror as I can. My the feeling are as heavy as the time I was in puberty again! I feel so desperate and defeated by my male primary and especially my secondary sex-characteristics because it feels so disgusting and like a losing battle at the moment! On the Brightside to night I am doing girls night with my girlfriend these moments help me getting through. I really need a cheering up.

X, Irena

[Marcelle]

Hi Irena,

Is it possible you read too much into your boyfriend's comment and smile. I am the master of misinterpreting my wife's comments and looks. Sometimes we see/hear things which are not true. I would talk to your boyfriend and explain your feelings and why you felt he made you feel ridiculous. As well, if your boyfriend is "gay" (not bi-sexual), your desire to become a "girl" could be a deal breaker in your relationship. I truly believe you need to discuss this with him as well. There is no sense to move your relationship along and then all of a sudden come out down the road and say "I want to be a girl".

Do enjoy your girls night out, your friend sounds like a great gal.

Hugs

Isha

[Irena]

Hi Isha,

First of all a wish to thank you for your replies. I am great full for it.
I know that you are right. I also know and feel I can’t push this conversation much longer. The tiny commands he makes during the day tell me he probably knows/ feels it too. This morning wail we woke up he said: ”Wouldn’t it be nice to have a button and loose “it” and be a girl”. Somewhat thunderstruck again I only said:”Yes”. But I am trying to push this conversation between us a little longer because I would like to have some advice of my a consular first. It might be that I will have to have this conversation sooner.

x, Irena

[Katey888]

Hi Irena,
I think Isha has given good advice - I can't add much to that other than to say I think you are doing the right things by seeking advice and counselling, by continuing to talk and communicate as much as possible, and to take your time in understanding and dealing with all these feelings.
Thinking of you girl - be positive and enjoy your girls night :D
Katey x

[CarlaWestin]

Irena, let me wade into these waters a bit. Does your boyfriend infer that you may not be the traditional, boy to boy, gay person but, you're same sex relationship is actually a validation of your being female? I've scrutinized the gay culture as a model for validating my CD activity, my whole life. And I speak as a senior gender explorer. I know that I just adore the acceptance from girls and highly value their support and attention. And that's just because I'm not gay and I would never emulate in that lifestyle to support my feelings of being feminine. I think your boy wants a boy.

[Irena]

Hi Carla
I think my English isn’t good enough. Because I am not sure what u mean. But I will try to answer
I never looked at my relation as a way of validation my feeling of being a girl. But I don’t know maybe there is some truth in it? I know I am “gay” I think that is what I should call me for now. I do not believe I am emulating a gay lifestyle because regular I do not really live in a gay lifestyle apart for living together with my boyfriend for 6 years now. But your probably right that there is a big chance my relationship will not survive this. And he probably wants a boy. If this is the case I will not blame him for it at all and I completely understand it. Though it will be very painful for me and for him too in a complete other way.
x, Irena

[Beverley Sims]

Irena,
Try to establish a closer relationship with your girlfriend and leave the boyfriend out of your life.