told her today, dont think she accepts, hope that it will grow on her. i love her.

[mykell]

i just told the mrs today, didnt take it like i thought she would, grabbed some money and her bowling ball, if shes bowling i feel sorry for the pins.

before my dad died they took his leg, he tried suicide, i had a talk with him about knowing the feeling, dont know if he got it, he knew who i was.
honey i have to tell you something you know i love you and i dont want you finding out when i die. "did you cheat on me" absolutely not, "what, then what"
i explained im a transvestite, "what, what are you talking about" i like wearing womens clothes. "Were did you get them" i bought them.
i told her about how i didnt want to hurt her and still love her very much. i apologized for hiding it and not confiding in her sooner.
i explained how i was ashamed of who i was and that was the reason for not telling sooner. always thought i quit.
i explained how i had my whole life to deal with this and i felt bad dumping it on her.
i explained that i did it today so she had time to think because i know she has a lot of s**t going on at work.
i want to stay with her and be there for her but she pulled her hand away, i told her if she has any questions ask, and i know she needs time.
i told her i didnt want to embarrass her and that for me this is private, she agreed.
i assured her there was nothing she did or didnt do to cause this,
as she left she said she didnt have anyone to talk to about this and i mentioned the website.

surprised i didnt have a heart attack i was terrified but knew i had to tell,
i hope she comes back.

[Jenniferathome]

Mikell, hearing this is a shock any woman's system. You did the right thing. The hiding is over. Don't dress or allow her to see any cross dressing "tools" until she asks. Hang in.

[Rachael Leigh]

mikell good for you I know how hard this had to be, I hope over the coming days you two can sit down and really try and understand this for you both.
I know from experience how hard this is
hugs Leigh

[Jamie Lynn]

I'm with Jennifer, Mikell. You did good and hopefully she isn't overloaded. Wish you the best! We're here for you so keep us informed!

[CarlaWestin]

This will take two or three days for her to absorb. Do not dress because, just because you told her, it is OK now. Don't bring it up but, if she wants to talk about it, just answer questions. You know, if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. You have made a statement about the way your life is. I hope she can accept this drastic change in HER life. And, really, don't go pink fog.

[Sarah Beth]

All I can do is wish you luck. This is going to be a difficult time for both of you I just hope you come through it all with understanding and peace.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Mikell,

How long have y'all been married? Be prepared for a bit of a roller-coaster ride. There are a lot of feelings and issues she's going to have to process emotionally, and most people aren't well equipped to handle such questions of gender and sexuality. Also she's apt to experience some amount of grief, as her image of you as a man has changed. The reality is, of course, you are the same person as always - but her perception of you is different now.

Some things she'll likely wonder about:
1. What else haven't you told her about?
2. Are you gay?
3. Is she a lesbian?
4. Do you want to become a woman?
5. What did she do to cause this? What does this say about her?
6. What will the kids / family / neighbors think?
7. What's going to happen NEXT. (This kind of dread is the worst question ever.)

These questions, and grief and shock she is probably feeling are difficult ones. Be patient, and don't be defensive when you talk subsequently. Don't take silence from her as her "not wanting to talk about it / being OK with it."

Please reach out to folks here no matter how this goes. I know from personal experience that this was almost certainly the hardest conversation you've ever had.

BTW, I think #7 is one of the key questions, and the hardest to deal with. There's sort of a template, in people's minds of what a relationship between a man and a woman is supposed to be. There isn't a template for a relationship between a gender variant man and a woman is supposed to be like. So many default sort of assumptions she may have made about the present and future suddenly come into question, because she doesn't know what her relationship with you is any longer. (This will probably seem weird and frustrating to you - because you are obviously exactly the same person as before from your perspective! Just not from hers.)

[Christina Kay]

Good luck , this will be an emotional first week or two. I know it was for my wife and myself. A lot of very helpful advice already given by other girls. My thoughts are with you and your wife In the coming days.. Hugs

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi mikell, I made that huge leap of faith early in our relationship- we were just getting to the 'serious about one another' stage. I knew that despite a few purges, I was a confirmed CD. I came out to her because I knew I had to be honest and forthright. The worst thing with us is deception. No doubt it's going to be a rough ride. My wife took a long time to accept Marsha, and has just recently, after many, many years begun to allow Marsha into our everyday lives. One thing that really bothered her was wondering what being in love with a transvestite said about her. My advice would be to remain open and brutally honest about it, especially with yourself. And don't push it- let your femme side take a holiday for a bit until you see how she's adapting to this ton of bricks. I wish you both the best.- Marsha

[KayleeTaylor]

Paula has some very good suggestions for you :)

I know it's a lil late now, but if you are going to come out, DO NOT use the word "transvestite" That word has a negative impact on our community. Also, when your SO tries to research online about who you are, look what she will find:

Transvestite:
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1545763_1405866782993347_584110907_n.jpg

Transgender is an umbrella term that applies to all of us, plus the images and subjects that your SO will find on transgender will be a lot easier to take in:
https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1517651_1405866786326680_970743341_n.jpg

[PaulaQ]

Transgender is an umbrella term that applies to all of us, plus the images and subjects that your SO will find on transgender will be a lot easier to take in.

What Kaylee says is quite true - although I would caution against using the term "transgender." It is, in fact, exactly as Kaylee says it is - an umbrella term that covers all gender variant individuals, from "just a cross dresser" to "transsexual" to "gender queer".

Unfortunately, in the media, the only examples of transgendered individuals who are shown are transsexuals - by far the most extreme and least typical case. So if she does already know the term (and there's a good chance she doesn't), it may be confused with transsexuality in her mind. That would be unhelpful, should it come to pass. I really think the best term is just "cross dresser". It describes the behavior, succinctly, without any reference to scary stuff.

[Karren H]

I was also hoping my wife would understand.... and it would grow on her.... I was wrong... More like wishful thinking on my part.... Not may women have positive flip flops after starting negatively.... IMHO..... best case is she becomes indifferent to it and doesn't want to know let alone see or participate.... but prepare for the worst... I was... and still am... things can turn south in a heartbeat.... good luck....

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Mikell, you are my friend . I will include you & your wife in my breath prayers . She will adapt & learn because you love each other. This reveal is so upsetting to all parties involved.. Be strong & know that periods of adjustment take time , patience & love. Peace to you& your wife, Melissa

[wanagione]

It may take a while for her to take it all in. It took my wife a week of not talking to me. Good luck, you are in my thoughts.

[Tracii G]

My worry is what Kaylee pointed out.
That word carries such a bad stigma. She may think over the top drag queen to some kind of sexual deviant.
Good luck trying to make her see the truth.

[Beverley Sims]

Mikell,
It is a brave and honorable thing that you have done.
It will take time for your wife to come around and as long as you do not pressure her you should meet with some success.
I would pander to her wishes for a while to start with.
Explanation and talking can be great healers.

[MissTee]

Best of luck to you, Mikell. Lots of good advice in this thread from people who have been where you are. I can't think of anything else to add, and I echo the cautions of going too fast and labeling yourself.

[Katey888]

Mikell - courageous, but you must be going through purgatory now. All good advice is here - significantly for me, keep it slow, keep doing normal things and avoid any further overt revelations... Let your wife set the pace and ask questions.
Good luck to both of you - my thoughts are with you.
Katey x

[Jenniferathome]

....Transgender is an umbrella term that applies to all of us, ...

Kaylee, Mikell is a cross dresser. I'm just a cross dresser. If you use Google Images and look up cross dresser, you get virtually the same result as Transvestite and cross dresser is not a "negative" term, it's just a description. I do not agree that Transgender applies to all of us. In fact, I think a wife hearing their husband is "transgender" is more frightening than "cross dresser." "Transgender" could be easily interpreted as "transsexual" or wanting to transition. I prefer cross dresser. It's a perfect description of what I am.

[Brandy9]

I would concur with advice given here by others. Take it slow. Give her time to try to figure out the meaning of this new revelation. I personally, at this point in my life, would not say that I was 'ashamed' of my cross dressing. Maybe once apron a time, not any more, and know this, she HAD to be told. Your desire is not going to go away, and can not be ignored for long. If you have a person that you want to share your life with. she must know about that part of your being. Best of luck, Brandy

[ClaireClark]

Carla and Paula give great advice. The cross dresser / transvestite / transgender thing is a discussion that could go on forever - and probably will. I regard myself as transgendered, but am happy to cope with everybody, if they can cope with me.

Good luck

Claire x

[kimdl93]

Way too early to judge her response. You put a lot out there. Now, she needs time, maybe lots of time to decide how she feels about it.

[Talisker]

Probably still in a bit of shock if you had not given any signs before.
Too early to tell how it will go.
I would try to get her to read this. Wont take long. Can skip the quotes.

http://www.vernoncoleman.com/downloads/mid.htm

Kinda average response id say. Could be better. Could be much worse.

Good luck.

[PaulaQ]

I prefer cross dresser. It's a perfect description of what I am.

Although I agree that ultimately, using the term "cross dresser" is for the best, it isn't a perfect description of what you are. It's a description of what you do, which is why it is WAY less scary. Describing what you are has, for some, terrifying implications.

[Angiemead12]

Oh wow, I hope for the best for you!

[Alice B]

The hard part is over. IT will take time, open conversation and assurances from you. If your relationship is strong then all will find a balance.

[mykell]

thanks everybody, trying to stay off,
one less thing....

[Marcelle]

Hi Mikell,

You have taken your deep breath and your plunge into telling your wife and that is probably the hardest thing any of us have or will do. I agree give her time to process she will most likely need it and don't force the issue until she brings it up again. However, you should not wait forever to discuss again if she does not bring it up in the near future as this will only bubble away so give adequate time but you may need to discuss at some point. I would not get too worried about the term you used and wait until you have your next discussion to provide more of an understanding (e.g., I like to dress up in xxx, I am straight, I do not wish to have a sex change operation). If she is willing to discuss then keep the communication lines open, provide her with the answers she needs and be honest in your responses.

Good luck sweetie and please don't hesitate to PM if you want to bounce some ideas off someone or just need a sounding board.

Hugs

Isha

[Dani0948]

You said she did't have anyone to talk to. If she does, who would it be and what impact will that have. Unless she has a friend that is discrete and open minded, the situation could get worse. Do you know anyone who she could talk to that would help?

[Tina_gm]

Congrats on doing one of the hardest things you will ever do. There may be times where you will second guess yourself. I know there were many times where I did early on. I agree also, do not judge much of any initial reactions. Remember that a lot of any difficulty she has will be in that you did not tell her this before. We often think that they are troubled by what we do (and they are no doubt) but a lot of the difficulties they are going through are trust issues and anger at not having been told. While we all say and with good reason to talk talk talk and how big communication is, in the very beginning, she may not be able to discuss much or for much length. That was definitely the case for my wife, and still is. Our convos generally do not go on very long. you did the right thing. For you, for her. It may not seem like it now, but eventually it will regardless of the outcome, which I am hoping will be a good one for you.

[KristyE]

Mikell, I/we all have been there. My SO had the same poor reaction. To slow the roll I said I wanted us to see a therapist ( marriage counseling ) which she grasped onto and calmed her a little. In session we had a third party to direct thoughts and questions and it helped her alot to see things were not as bad as she thought. I hope this helps.
Love KristyE

[Irena]

Hi Mikell,

I think you did the right thing telling her. I feel for you. I wish you the very best. It’s a very big step which requires a lot of courage. You can be proud of yourself. I hope you and your wife will go stronger together.

Hugs, Irena

[Di]

Just to add you have known this about yourself for years and give her time.

Do not worry about what term you used to describe yourself....the answers will come from you....( even if she reads things)
1.you keep on assuring her you love her,
2, explain you hid it your whole life, was afraid to tell her but it was eating you up inside keeping anything from her,
3. do not promise her you will stop, you need to explain if this comes up it is a part of you and something you did since young.

I do hope she comes here:D our GGs tell us it helps to have someone to talk to and vent to and see how crossdressing can fit in the relationship.

[mykell]

ok, that was hard, we were married 22 years in april, together for 30,
things iv said and done here seem trivial comparing now,
thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers, it touched me deeply.
shes home, she made dinner, she watched the playoff games with me and we slept in the same bed, she slept i just passed out.
no discussions even when we were alone....

[Jamie Lynn]

That's sounding great, Mikell! Just keep showing her the love and hopefully good things will come of it!

[gatorgirl]

Mikell, Lots of good advice here!! Sounds like she is processing everything you told her, and that's good! Be patient and give her time, and just be totally honest when it comes time to talk about it. If she does join our forum, the GGs here are a great help with all the feelings that are sure to surface.

You did the right thing to share this part of you. Hang in there!

[Brenda Freeman]

I told my wife in 2006 we had been married close to 25 years. I really thought my CDing was under control the occasional dress up purge harmless? Then in 2005 my need exploded so I had to tell her no secrets I said. There was a lot of silence for about five days after I sat down and told her, We both went through the daily motion but not much conversation. Then we had a chat set some boundaries who should know, when etc. she told me if it makes me happy then I should do it though she does not really want to see me dressed. Fast forward I do not have to hide my clothes she still does not really want to see me dressed but has even said I have great legs. So I am happy! We can talk about fashion and make up and if we go shopping and I see something I might like it is not a big deal love that.
I so hope it works well for you. The key is trust she can count on you to respect her wishes and set guidelines that work for both of you. I say this as a person who wanted to stay with my wife and share our life together as we had agreed when we married. We are a team. Good luck I am sure you can find that balance give it time.

[WandaRae2009]

I wish you the best. I fessed up after over 20 years of marriage as well. It didn't go well at first, and one of her comments was that she has no one to talk to about it. I found a counselor through a local TG site. That one session saved our marriage and relationship. She has no way moved to fully accepting, i would classify it a tolerance, and we are basically on a DADT basis. Some of the boundaries were worked out with the counselor. But, I don't have to hide as deeply as I did before. She understands the need. When she is out she calls before coming home, just in case, and she makes sure to remind me of the kid's schedule when she is leaving. One of the conditions was to keep it from the children.

Again, Good luck and best wishes

[natalie edwards]

Hopefully things will be ok. Just give it a little time.

[SherriePall]

Best of everything to you. I, too, confessed after nearly 25 years of marriage. She cried, walked away (I just blurted it out one night when I was upset over something), didn't talk for a day or two. Finally, she calmed down, asked the usual questions which I answered truthfully. Now, 15 years later, it's basically a DADT situation although she washes my delicates and some of my clothes hang alongside hers. She still hasn't seen me and doesn't offer any hope that she will any time soon. I'm still pretty much closeted after all this time. Now, here's the part your wife will be feeling. Telling her you have now put her into a closet, too. If you can get her on this forum or find someone knowledgeable and trustworthy she can talk to, do so.

[Tina_gm]

She didn't have an absolute meltdown, that is good. There will probably be some rough times ahead. I agree she is probably processing, and yes it may take considerable time. I would wait at least a week if she has not brought any of it up to then try to talk about it. I would only offer if she wants to but don't try to make her talk about it if she is still not ready. Just as we are all different, GG's will react differently as well. There are likely to be some pretty good ups and downs. She may need to have you answer the same questions many times over. Try not to get frustrated with that. It is just reassurance. Acceptance comes over time. Where you are now won't mean where you will be a year from now. And some boundaries may change, some more liberal for CDing, while some may need to change for her which are less liberal. I know it will want to all spill out of you, and you will want to talk about it a lot, and doing so will be a tremendous rush, or at least it was for me. But I soon learned I had to temper that as she would become frustrated with the amount of time talking about it. She still will, so our convos are not generally lengthy.

[mykell]

ok, again thanks to all the well wishes and support, today she sent an e-mail, asked all the questions i had answered, the names were deleted,


At this time I am writing you because I am not ready to face you to talk about this. At this time I am not going to go on the web. I feel the web is not going to help me with these mix feelings and I am assuming the web is only going to show one side of this issue.
I am very angry. I don’t know if I am angry at what you are doing or you waiting almost 30 yrs to tell me. Can’t believe you held a secret from me so long. I glad you got it out and how it must be a big relief for you but now it’s a big feeling issue for me. I do have a few questions:

How long have you been doing this?
What made you start?
What do you get out of dressing in woman’s clothing?
Are you gay?
Did you every truly loved me or do you love me?
What did you expect from me when you told me?
How long have you been a member of the web site?
Have you ever gone out of the house dressed in woman’s clothing?
Do you want to become a woman?
I have a lot more questions but we will start with these. I truly love you but I need time to think what to do. I have to figure out is this worth giving up 30 years for.

i stopped everything i was doing went to my computer and wrote the following,

as i stated
in a crossdresser, the earliest i remember was since 7 yrs old, i don't know why i started, but the clothes and shoes feel nice and i feel comfortable wearing them.
i would not be here if i didnt truly love you, i probably would have killed myself by now, there are 2 zip ties above the kitchen sink next to my last cigarette to remind me, so yes i love you with all my heart and now all my soul, nothing is held back now.
as far as gay goes we are considered as part of the transgender section of the spectrum.
i didn't know what to expect when i told you but knew it had to be done since my pop passed. if i died and you found my stuff what conversation could be had, none, this way at least i can answer your questions. but i expected anger, punches, name calling.
im sorry I held it from you so long, but thought i quit many times during my life and the urges always came back and stronger. with that I've had 45 yrs to come to terms with this and i can't apologize enough for dumping this on you like a shit storm, i hope in time you can forgive me. i know you will need time to digest things and I'm trying to give you all the time and space that you will need.

i found info on the web years ago but just joined a forum 2 months ago, there is support there for wives in there own section, but the web will not be one sided.
at the end of the day im a man, I'm staying a man, and like i said im private with this and never left the house at any time, many wives adopt a Don't Ask Don't Tell scenario with this,
with all my self i love you, your face with those little dimples, and your big heart.

i printed it out and gave it to her,

later she stated that ok heres what were doing, i don't want to see anything i don't want to know about anything, if our son is gay don't you dare give him any s**t
i still can't believe she didn't know, sometimes i found stuff left out and panicked about it....

DADT which for me at this point is fine, but still having to hide stuff will suck....

[Katie_Did GG]

If having to keep things out of sight is the worse you can find in this you are doing well. Give her time and help her by providing some information. Look at some of the stickies here and print out any that may help her understanding. Do NOT give her any book without reading it first yourself. Just because it seems a good choice doesn't mean it will be.

It's impossible to accept things when we don't understand them and have very little information. What looks like UN-acceptance could well be a real lack of knowledge and / or not enough time to process what we have learned.

Please do NOT think DADT means out of sight out of mind. This will be in her thoughts a lot. So much so she will have times she is over whelmed with them. Your job isn't to just take it underground thinking you have her blessings as long as she doesn't have to see it. Big mistake. IMHO Your job is to help her see it and you and learn to incorporate it into your lives somehow.

Don't basically put it and yourself back in the closet by leaving her in the dark. She's the one feeling alone now.

[mykell]

if i print out the stickies and give to her it kinda breaks her request, my fear is by not seeking the info, good or bad her thoughts may change and she sees it easier to quit altogether.

it kills me that i cant be there for her and shes right next to me, i dont want her to be all alone.

[Stephanie47]

Being in a DADT marriage is not the end of the world. Your wife has established boundaries that are acceptable to her. However, sometimes the boundaries are not clearly stated. Yes, she does not want to know anything about it. It's like the ostrich putting its head in the sand. You've been married long enough to read between the lines. Yes, you will have to conceal your wardrobe. You may have to grab crumbs of time to dress. Yes, you cannot freely express yourself. Yes, it may "suck" to not hang your dresses in the closet, etc. Throw your cross dressing in her face and you may not be in a DADT marriage.

[JustWendy]

Mikell - finding a place for your clothes where your wife won't have to see them is not the same as hiding them. Hiding implies a desire to not let her know you have these clothes. Finding a place for them implies an understanding of the enormity of what she is processing and a desire to do whatever is necessary on your part to give her the things she has expressed she needs to cope for now. You did the right thing in telling her, but the hard work has just begun. Good luck. I hope time and knowledge will ultimately smooth the road for both of you.

Wendy

[GiannaD]

Good luck Mikell; it takes incredible courage to do what you did...be there to support her and answer all her questions (which from reading your post, I know you'll do!)

[mykell]

Mikell - finding a place for your clothes where your wife won't have to see them is not the same as hiding them. Hiding implies a desire to not let her know you have these clothes. Finding a place for them implies an understanding of the enormity of what she is processing and a desire to do whatever is necessary on your part to give her the things she has expressed she needs to cope for now. You did the right thing in telling her, but the hard work has just begun. Good luck. I hope time and knowledge will ultimately smooth the road for both of you.
Wendy

ok i put most of my stuff and put together a suit case for mikell, no more box, cardboard is for recycling,
feels much better....

[Tracii G]

The son comment sounds like she thinks all CDers are gay.Then again I may have taken that wrong.
She is dealing with what she has learned or been told all her life about people like us that are different from the norm.
All you can do is be honest about how you feel about all this and how much she means to you.

[teri g]

You said that she has a good gaydar but what are her feelings towards gay people? The way I read between the lines is that she believes that you have little or no tolerance towards them so she feels that it would be hypocritical of you to have a negative response to your son's theoretical homosexuality.

[NicoleScott]

No matter what words you use to describe yourself (transgender, crossdresser, transvestite...) there is the danger that she won't have the same definition that you have, so don't stop with just labels (and I'm not a label opponent). Discuss what you feel, what you do, why you do it, etc.
For example, you say crossdresser (thinking: a guy who likes to wear women's clothes in private occasionally) and she just saw a Springer show featuring crossdressers (she's thinking: those over-the-top drag queens prancing around on the stage).

[mykell]

ok were doing the DADT thing, sort of back to our usual daily life, when she left for work she moved in for a kiss on the cheek i gave her a great big hug and we told each other i love you.

after work was pretty normal and shes going bowling again, poor pins.

just wish she would use the resources that are at her disposal here with the GGs.
all the support i received here was invaluable, she deserves the same but is not interested...


You said that she has a good gaydar but what are her feelings towards gay people? The way I read between the lines is that she believes that you have little or no tolerance towards them so she feels that it would be hypocritical of you to have a negative response to your son's theoretical homosexuality.

poor choice of words, she has many acquaintances that are and were both tolerant,how could i not be, but she has a sixth sense, knowing if people are partners as she calls it or a rotten SOB ect.., she seems to get it right when she meets folks... many times i give people the benefit of doubt and get burned....

[kimdl93]

Be glad she has the pins to knock over and exhaust pent up emotions. I liked Nicole's advice above. Now that the subject is out in the open try to give her opportunities to talk about what this means to you and her, rather than being defined by deliberately sensationalized or exaggerated characterizations popular in the media.

And give her time. DADT may simply be a chance for her to work things through in her mind. Be prepared to talk when she is ready.

[Ellie52]

Mikell
I dont know how I missed this thread but now Ive read it my heart goes out to you and all the other CD's in your position.
I wish there was an easy answer but there isnt. I think you have done the hard and honorable thing. Time is a great healer but dont expect miracles and her jumping for joy.
I am very lucky in that my wife is accepting but there are limits (going outside for instance), and I am happy now to stay within those limits. In time I am sure your wife will relax the rules (even slightly) but dont push it. She will need a lot of time and love from you as she is obviously very worried at present.
We will always be here for you when and if you need someone to talk to... Best wishes Ellie

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi again Mikell, wow I left out the most important thing- make sure she knows you love her above all else.