Just say your gay?

[Talisker]

Do you say your gay if people ask just to make it easier?

Given that a lot of the public think CDs are gay do you just say yes if they ask you? I mean for people your probably not going to meet again. Up to now ive told them no most CDs are not gay but that causes more Qs explanations etc and the next time its tempting to just say YES and move on...

[Candice Mae]

No, no, no... No... Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, I think it is a disservice to the gay and lesbian community to claim to be when your not.

[KayleeTaylor]

When you come out to someone, you are always going to get asked questions. If you don't feel like giving the appropriate responses - stay in the damn closet. As Candice said, you are doing a disservice.

[Connie.Marie]

Talisker,
No, because I'm not.
No, doing so would continue the stereotype that is not true. Especially if I'll never see them again. Doing my part to educate the public.
No, I'm glad to answer the questions. If anything, it helps start a discussion that I enjoy having.
Hugs, Connie Marie

[reb.femme]

Definitely no! Same as Candice-Mae.

If you are gay, fine, but I'd rather field the extra questions than confess to something which I am not. You'll be asking me to say I'm normal next :heehee:.

Rebecca

[Saikotsu]

The fact that saying no opens up a whole bunch more questions is a good thing. It means that you have the chance to cure people of their ignorance, and potentially make people just a little more accepting of crossdressing, and possibly homosexuality as well.

I am what most people would consider heterosexual, even though I identify as lesbian. However, going through school, everyone thought I was gay. I have no idea why, because I was only interested in girls and I never acted like the stereotypical gay male. Going through all the prejudice and stigma just from people's assumptions was really tough. That's why I feel its important to be honest with people. When they make assumptions about you, erroneous ones especially, and you make no effort to correct it, you're only encouraging further ignorance and mistreatment. However, I can understand the appeal of just saying yes and being done with it.

[NicoleScott]

I got slammed by a TS (on the CD forum) for saying "I'm not gay" instead of "I'm straight". I got labeled a "homophobe" for saying I wouldn't participate in a gay pride march because I'm not gay (sorry...I'm straight) and don't want to anyone to think I am gay.
A popular GG on the forum whose SO is dual gender said she doesn't hold hands in public when her SO is en femme becsue she doesn't want anyone to think she is a lesbian, which she is not. Not a peep from anyone.
Why the inconsistency?

Saying you are when you aren't just perpetuates the stereotype, doesn't it?
LGB is about sexual preference. T is about gender identity/presentation. It's a strange association we could do without, in my opinion.

[Roli F]

Not this Gal I love the interaction and if I can educate someone as to the reasons why all the better IMHO!

[ClaireClark]

Most people who don't know I am transgendered probably think I am gay. No problem, as long as they like and respect me.

Claire x

[Julie1123]

If asked, I'm also of the opinion it's not a great idea to just say you're gay if you're not. There's too much confusion on that question already.

[GirlieAmanda]

Nooooooo. Noooo noooo. We need to educate, not make it "easier" the uneducated. We should not be absorbed, we need to fight and stand on out own.

[Sandra]

Why say you are something if you're not it doesn't make sense.


but that causes more Qs explanations etc .

...and those explanations is hopefully how people will learn more about the community and not have false ideas.

[kimdl93]

Why would I do that? Just to reinforce heir misconceptions or social stereotypes?

[PaulaQ]

I got slammed by a TS (on the CD forum) for saying "I'm not gay" instead of "I'm straight". I got labeled a "homophobe" for saying I wouldn't participate in a gay pride march because I'm not gay (sorry...I'm straight) and don't want to anyone to think I am gay.

Those are both kind of harsh. You aren't anti-gay just because you aren't an ally. Also, saying what you aren't isn't exactly hate speech...


Why the inconsistency?
Because she's a GG, and if you want to end GG participation on these forums, start using the "L" word a lot in reference to them. I'm not trying to stir anything up - it is an emotionally charged and incredibly difficult issue for many women with gender variant spouses to deal with. They deserve tenderness and understanding. You, on the other hand, are just supposed to suck it up. That is unfair, but it is what it is.


LGB is about sexual preference. T is about gender identity/presentation. It's a strange association we could do without, in my opinion.

Nicole, you know I respect you and I appreciate your point of view, and like you a lot. However, you are just as wrong as you can be on this issue, and I'll tell you why.

Neither sexual preference or gender identity are choices, but they are widely viewed as such in society. The discrimination we receive in society as transgendered people (particular us trans women), is VERY similar to what gays and lesbians used to experience. There are differences of course, but ultimately, the relationship is that all of these groups have been BADLY treated by much of society for a VERY long time simply for trying to live the way God made them. This is a horrible situation to be in, and I'm genuinely grateful to the heroic men and women who've fought for gay rights, and who've included the transgendered in their fight. Believe me, the gay and lesbian folks have done ALL of the heavy lifting for us. Were it not for them, the improvements in social attitudes that made me even conceive of the notion that I could transition would likely not have happened, or not have happened as soon anyway.

Had they not, there is no question that I wouldn't be writing this to you. I'd be dead by my own hand.

As a historical footnote, the first person to throw a brick at the Stonewall riot was a trans woman.

I can only tell you that for myself, I've come to know many gays and lesbians over the few months, and that they are some of the finest people I've ever met. I am really proud to be counted amongst their number.

edit: On-topic part of the response - no, don't present as gay. You aren't, and it won't help you, and it'll just perpetuate confusion in a heteronormative cis-gendered world that is already confused enough. Ironically enough, when people ask me whether I'm straight or not, I tell them "I'm a queer woman."

[Wildaboutheels]

Um... IF CDers don't educate the public - in their words and actions - just who do you think will?

Giving some other smart a$$ed answer is not a viable solution either because you are one of those "Mind Reading" CDers.

You can't KNOW what they are thinking or WHY they asked.

[Beth Wilde]

I say I am gay...... But that's because I am!

I do, however, also point out that I am very much in the minority of CDs as most are straight. Weirdly enough, due to the joys of outdated stereotyping, lots of people think gay people do wear womens clothes.... I have used my mallet of knowledge to correct this opinion wherever I find it!!

[Rogina B]

Calmly choose your words and help educate another person. They may very well pass what they learned from you on to others, so give it your best..

[Stephanie47]

Never pass yourself off as something you are not! Period! End of story!

[Jenniferathome]

I disagree. You are what you are. If asked, it would give you the opportunity to correct a stereotype.

[Lori Kurtz]

It sounds like you were in a discussion about CDing with a person who knew you were a CDer. If you got that deeply into your personal life with that person, I'd call it a teachable moment. And I hope that if the opportunity arises for you again, you'll take advantage of it to enlighten and broaden the mind of a person who doesn't understand the varieties of sexual identity and preference that are lumped together with the label "CD:" gay, straight, identifying as male, identifying as female, and whatever else you understand that he/she doesn't. And maybe you could help the person understand the fears and shame and personal struggle that most of us have had to deal with. More understanding means more healing and less pain for everyone.

[Talisker]

Well that got a response!

Should clarify a few things
- on the "no, im not gay". To me that excludes a possibility it doesnt reveal anything about my opinions of gays. Same way as saying no, im not french doesnt say where im from but also doesnt reveal anything about what i think of the french. (Im actually a 'whatever floats you boat' kinda guy and had a few gay friends)
- The situations im thinking of are short interactions e.g. on bus, subway, waiting in line etc. Saying yes seems a good way to avoid having the same conversations all the time. Its not as if there arent gays pretending to be straight, or men pretending to be women!
- If i were going to interact for longer or likely see them again id tell them.

Guess im getting fed up of all the repetition.

[Marcelle]

Hi Talisker,

Nope . . .short conversation or not. If asked I would always say no I am not gay because that is who I am. Not sure what follow on questions the person may have but I would gladly answer them so long as they were not too personal.

Hugs

Isha

[Rebecca Star]

Giving out an irresponsible response like this, all on the premise you don't want to get into a Q&A with them... I'm glad not too many CD's hold this mindset!

[Jennaristow]

I do like men, but I do try and explain that I don't consider myself gay as I feel I should have been born a woman. Don't know if all understand or believe it. Doesn't matter as it is how I feel. I also explain that most cd women are heterosexual.

[Talisker]

Never pass yourself off as something you are not! Period! End of story!
You dont crossdress?

[Rebecca Star]

I do like men, but I do try and explain that I don't consider myself gay as I feel I should have been born a woman. Don't know if all understand or believe it. Doesn't matter as it is how I feel. I also explain that most cd women are heterosexual.

It matters enough that you have the belief, to stand up for your choices. That's a cool attitude right there. You also take the time to add, most men who CD are heterosexual. Doing that, shows you hold empathy towards our plight, regardless of anyone sexual orientations. Kudos to you Jenna, you deserve it :)


You dont crossdress?

Maybe in your case, this thread, is a product of "Pink Fog" but in any other forum, I'd see this as a trollish post...just saying.

[Cheryl T]

No! Why should I lie to them just to make the situation pass easier?


Actually a friend of a friend once asked me "Are you gay?" I responded, "Gay? I'm not even happy right now". That made her laugh and the subject was dropped.

[Zylia]

Maybe in your case, this thread, is a product of "Pink Fog" but in any other forum, I'd see this as a trollish post...just saying.
In that case I'm just saying I fully agree with Talisker. Stephanie's post is extremely 'ironical' (the internet kind of irony anyway) on a forum about cross-dressing. Many cross-dressers try to pass themselves off as woman, none of them are, otherwise they're not cross-dressers. It might not be that clear-cut for everyone, but that's how it is by definition.

Anyway, my sexuality generally is none of anyone's business.

[NathalieX66]

I'm transgender. What difference does it make which gender I'm attracted to? Can I dress like a woman and sill be attracted to women?

[Tracii G]

I would say no if you aren't gay.
Seems overly simple to me.

[LaraPeterson]

Talisker, how about this. . .tell them you are multi-sexual. Play with their brains. All this talk about yes and no, in light of a bunch of guys dressing in female clothing, doesn't mean much to most people (in America, anyway) because they don't have a clue about why we do what we do. The average onlooker is going to believe we are all gay no matter what we say. We're not going to convince most of them otherwise no matter how much we try to educatethem.

I, frankly, don't give a fat rat's ass what anyone thinks about my sexuality. I'm not reporting in to get anyone's approval. I live my life with my chin up and try to help everyone I can in any way I can. What I do in my bedroom is my business. If I meet you once or spend the rest of my life with you, I'm going to be the same person.

I've learned very recently, after years of hiding from my own self, that putting on is a colossal waste of time. Your concern should be more about being the very best person you can be rather than being concerned about how you are viewed.

Life is way too short to allow anyone's agenda to rule your life, be it social, political, religious, or sexual.

[Majella St Gerard]

Why in the world would you say you are something you are not, it does not make any sense, by saying you are gay when you are not only adds to that mind set. How do you expect to educate people if you tell them lies.

[Alexis.j]

Anyway, my sexuality generally is none of anyone's business.

I tend to agree here!
In general, I don't like being called what I am not, and would like to set that straight, but, it my sexual preference has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Unless they might be interested in me.

[NicoleScott]

Paula, your explanation about associating the T's with the LGB's makes perfect sense from your point of view. There is a lot of difference between a out-and-about trans-woman and a straight closeted transvestite (CDer). Since the topic was about saying you're gay when you're not, what I said about the association was an attempt at an explanation why many people assume trans=gay and whether or not we should patronize them. I recognize the benefits transwomen have received by the association with the gay movement.
Not wanting to say you are gay when you're not should not be construed as lack of support for the LGB's. But because of the T association, we shouldn't be surprised when people make the assumptions they do.

[Marleena]

If somebody has enough interest to ask you if you're gay or not just tell them the truth. It's the perfect time to educate them and let them know you're transgender (since all MTF's fall under that umbrella).:heehee:

*runs*

[CarlaWestin]

I haven't really had that many conversations about crossdressing with other people, excluding online, of course. I've had a few people ask if my breast were real. Truthful answer, "Yes, they're real silicone." I've decided that if inquired, all I need is the truth. I do this because I like it and it's exciting. Probably way more exciting than your life. Am I gay? I really have to say no on that one. Did I just lose a bet? I hate that one. "no" Maybe society would be relieved if all them there women out there wearin' man pants would hang a sign around their neck saying, "Nope, I ain't gay just 'cause I'm wearing these here pants!"


:heehee:

*runs*

Hey, come back here! Nibiru? Really? (http://www.space.com/15551-nibiru.html)

[Teresa]

Hi Talisker, I think you have to be honest to what you are and don't be unfair to other groups. Gay people have enough problems of their own to deal with, it's not fair to pass any unusual behaviour off on the wrong sections of the community. Some people may want to get into a sensible conversation with you, you could be talking to a repressed Cder or a wife who may need some help.

[AKADonna]

I just tell them "I am bisexual!! If I want sex, I have to buy it" Sometimes a litle humor goes a long way to diffuse situations!

[Beverley Sims]

I tell others what they want to hear.
I will tell you all now....
I am happy and gay and have been all my life. :)
No I do not have homosexual tendencies.
Nice boys don't turn me on at all.

A nice girl, that's different.

[Tina_gm]

Obviously one of the problems hetero CDers have is the perception we are gay. A problem with attracting women as they would not want to have a gay man and always fear losing him to another guy. And I am sure a whole bunch of other insecurities. Of course, much of the general public will think we are gay. Let's face it, typically gay men are more feminine than straight men. I know there are exceptions, and straight CDers are definitely one of those exceptions, along with sometimes just feminine men who are neither gay bi or CDers. masculine men who are gay and have no desire to CD or to be with a CD or other fem acting guy. Typically though, gay men are more feminine and while there are differences, typically to how a gay man shows femininity than women or CDers, the general public will not see those subtle differences. I would say if you want someone to know what you are or are not, then telling them what you are or are not would be wisest.

[TxCassie]

I agree Kim. I am gay, always was, which was one of the reasons I suppressed my feminine feelings for so long. Many gay men view crossdressing males, drag queens, and anything feminine in a very negative light. Most gay men want to be view, thought of, respected as men. Their feelings come from a history of the mainstream society pegging gay men, girly, sissies, pansies, perverts who want to be women, weak, emotional, silly, outrageous. In response, you get the hyper masculine stereotype gay male that is either a bodybuilder, super jock, leatherman, etc... Eventually, RuPaul's comment is so on target, "We are all born naked, the rest is drag!"

No need to lie. If you're str8, not gay, say so. If you're gay, not str8, say so. In any event, you're a male who is wearing women's clothing and presenting as a female, and that in itself is enough to bust stereotypes.

Cassie

[KayleeTaylor]

Obviously one of the problems hetero CDers have is the perception we are gay. A problem with attracting women as they would not want to have a gay man and always fear losing him to another guy. And I am sure a whole bunch of other insecurities. Of course, much of the general public will think we are gay. Let's face it, typically gay men are more feminine than straight men. I know there are exceptions, and straight CDers are definitely one of those exceptions, along with sometimes just feminine men who are neither gay bi or CDers. masculine men who are gay and have no desire to CD or to be with a CD or other fem acting guy. Typically though, gay men are more feminine and while there are differences, typically to how a gay man shows femininity than women or CDers, the general public will not see those subtle differences. I would say if you want someone to know what you are or are not, then telling them what you are or are not would be wisest.

Your stereotypical views of gay men is completely asinine. Don't you understand why gay men like other men? Gay men like men because they are men. 99.999% of all gay men want absolutely nothing to do with femininity, they just simply like men.

[Tina_gm]

Sorry Kaylee but there is this thing called reality. Go ahead and give me examples of masculine gay men, actually don't bother cause I can do that too. Rock Hudson, Rob Halford of Judas Priest, Robert Reed from the brady bunch. I could go on if you would like. I am not saying that gay men want specifically more feminine men. But typically, gay men are more feminine than straight men. And I of course fall outside the lines of typical. tell me my views of gay people are stereotypical and assnine all you want, but there is a reason why just about everyone who learns of someone who is a CDer and the 1st thing they think is are they gay? That reason is not because gay men are typically as masculine as straight men.

[KayleeTaylor]

Most gay men do not act fem or "flaming" To the outsider, they would never be able to tell somebody is gay by the way they act. Also, 99.999% of crossdressers are heterosexual, people's stereotypical views of CD's are asinine, just as your view of the gay community.

[Tina_gm]

Yeah, gay men who are in the closet.... just as CDers who are in the closet, and what a surprise, people do not assume they are CD or gay, hmmmm.... and sorry again for your 99.9 something stats, but have you seen the amount of hits any thread gets that has talk of men in it? I am not saying that a majority of CDers are gay, but I find it funny how there is so much talk about how CDers are almost always straight men, yet when a thread about attraction to men comes up, its always among the highest post counts.... hmmmmm.....

[PaulaQ]

Most gay men do not act fem or "flaming" To the outsider, they would never be able to tell somebody is gay by the way they act.

Yes, but within the community, it does seem to me that I observe some gender variance amongst gay men, ranging from super-masculine body-builder types to somewhat effeminate gay men, to guys who I'd never realize were gay until they talk about their partners. (I'm not gay - I'm a queer woman, but I live in a predominantly gay community, and attend a predominantly gay AA club, and have many friends now.)

BTW, the behavior isn't really all that feminine, at least compared to behavior here - I don't know any of them who EVER present as female outside of a couple who do drag shows. Anyway, they aren't interested in someone who presents as a female, even if she was born with a penis - or at least nobody hits on me... (That could be a personal problem on my part though, lol!)

My opinion is that straight people have no problem recognizing gender variance in gay men when they have opportunity to observe it (and stereotype this behavior quite a bit), but DO NOT tend to recognize it at all in straight men. So if you show some gender variance, you get lumped in with gay men.

I've tried to talk to some of my straight friends about gender variant straight men. They didn't get it - they just went to "they must be gay." I gave up after a while, it was more frustrating than trying to teach a dog how to do a card trick...

[carhill2mn]

Heavens NO! That would be unfair to gays as well as to CDs and T-girls!

[Lorileah]

I got slammed by a TS (on the CD forum) for saying "I'm not gay" instead of "I'm straight". I got labeled a "homophobe" for saying I wouldn't participate in a gay pride march because I'm not gay (sorry...I'm straight) and don't want to anyone to think I am gay.
.

We don't have a "CD forum" we have an MtF forum where ANYONE can post.


Don't say you are gay unless you are gay. What would happen if the person who asked was gay and then wanted you to think about dating them???

CJg-F2oDstQ

[Michelle789]

BTW, the behavior isn't really all that feminine, at least compared to behavior here - I don't know any of them who EVER present as female outside of a couple who do drag shows. Anyway, they aren't interested in someone who presents as a female, even if she was born with a penis - or at least nobody hits on me...



Most gay men do not act fem or "flaming" To the outsider, they would never be able to tell somebody is gay by the way they act. Also, 99.999% of crossdressers are heterosexual, people's stereotypical views of CD's are asinine, just as your view of the gay community.



Go ahead and give me examples of masculine gay men, actually don't bother cause I can do that too.

I know gay men in real life who act no different than any other man. There are gay men who act more masculine than other men. Many feminine gay men act feminine in certain ways, but masculine in others. I now this one gay man who has exxagerated feminine behaviors, along with exxagerated masculine behaviors. This is something I've observed in some of the gay people I've met over the years. Cross-dressers typically act masculine, except they like to dress as a woman to express their feminine side. Sometimes CDers can express feminine traits in other subtle ways.

So yes, some gay men may be more effeminate than other men, but they are still men. Not all gay men act effeminately.

Many CDers and TSes may act no different from, or even more macho than other straight men. Many TSes and some CDers may act more feminine than most men. In some cases, a TSes behavior may be more feminine or at least less masculine than a gay man.

I'd venture to say that amongst feminine gay men vs feminine TSes, that the feminine gay man acts more exxageratedly feminine and exxageratedly masculine than a regular gay, while a feminine TS may act more subtly feminine and overall less masculine than a regular guy.

There are also feminine men who are straight, not gay, not CD, not TS. Just they're feminine straight men, who may still show some stereotypically masculine behavior.

The real point is that all sorts of variances in masculine and feminine behavior exist amongst gays, CDers, TSes, and straight men. I would say there are definitely differences in how femininity is expressed amongst gay men, CDers, TSes, and straight men. The problem is not many people really know those subtle differences. I can say one thing. I've been read as gay (and called a girl on a few occasions too), and I think my behavior is distinctly different from feminine gay men. To the straight, cis-world, these subtle differences don't exist - they don't see the differences.

Let's think about it this way. If we see a pack of German Shepherds, to us they all look the same. To them, there are subtle differences amongst the dogs that we humans don't detect.

[Emma48]

I am with the vast majority here and urge you not to simply say you are gay to avoid further discussion. People need to put a face on cross-dressers, who are the least understood of the LGBT's. But it begs the question about what gay is to a transsexual. Is a M2F transsexual gay if they like women...or men?

[PaulaQ]

But it begs the question about what gay is to a transsexual. Is a M2F transsexual gay if they like women...or men?

M2F Trans + GG or M2F Trans = Lesbian
M2F Trans + GM or F2M Trans = Straight
F2M Trans + GM or F2M Trans = Gay
F2M Trans + GM or M2F Trans = Straight

There are more exotic possibilities. Personally, I don't think the labels make a ton o' sense, but many really do identify with them.

[Michelle789]

M2F Trans + (GG or M2F Trans or GM or FTM Trans) = bi
F2M Trans + (GG or M2F Trans or GM or FTM Trans) = bi

[Adriana Moretti]

anyone who responds to what we do with that question obviously does not know alot about our lifestyle....its not your fault...dont feel bad...educate them a bit

[Talisker]

My opinion is that straight people have no problem recognizing gender variance in gay men when they have opportunity to observe it (and stereotype this behavior quite a bit), but DO NOT tend to recognize it at all in straight men. So if you show some gender variance, you get lumped in with gay men.

I've tried to talk to some of my straight friends about gender variant straight men. They didn't get it - they just went to "they must be gay." I gave up after a while, it was more frustrating than trying to teach a dog how to do a card trick...

Exactly. They dont get it and in their mind most of the public think all CDs are gay. So if you tell them what they want to hear no more Qs, next topic of conversation, otherwise you get stuck trying to explain this and at the end im still not sure they get it. As seen on other posts many CDs do like being attractive to men, less on this site than others, but still its not difficult to see why joe public thinks CDs are gay.

Regarding those indicating dont say something your not. I understand that but the fact that we are cross dressing for many is already pretending and dont think much of the labels anyway. So if someone wants to stick a wrong label on me, whatever.

Kaylee - That 99.999% number you gave seems made up to support your point. Seems in conflict with all other numbers i have seen and personal experience. Just look at the responses to this post. Lots of gays, not all, but certainly more than 0.001% act feminine in some way.

[oliviall]

When people assume I am Gay, I don't answer the question, just like I don't answer questions about what's underneath :)

At my first conference, Keystone in PA last year, I was in the hotel bar and a young gay man approached me. He said "I know all about the G, the L, and the B, but nothing about the T.", and then something to the effect of "Educate Me", but I don't remember the exact words that followed.

Allot of this was new to me at the time, but I did the best I could to represent us, talked about some of the diversity within the group, etc. When I mentioned my divorce, he asked, "Did she leave when she found out you were gay?" Thinking on my feet, I came up with my favorite response to this sort of thing:

"Gender identity and sexual orientation are independent variables." (yes, always been a bit of a geek)

So that's how I answer that question.

Now, when a drag queen* tells me "I bet you'd look cute as a boy", which I've had happen a couple of times... I know the same question is being asked. I just laugh it off and divert the topic. I laugh allot of stuff off though, its just my nature.

* -- Just to be clear, when I use the term "drag queen" here, its not meant to be disparaging in anyway, I'm referring to a (as far as I know) gay male performer who impersonates a female when performing but (again as far as I know) identifies as a gay male and not female in any way outside of performance. Phew! Not sure why I felt the need to explain that but it's past my bedtime :)

[PaulaQ]

Exactly. They dont get it and in their mind most of the public think all CDs are gay. So if you tell them what they want to hear no more Qs, next topic of conversation, otherwise you get stuck trying to explain this and at the end im still not sure they get it.

I find the following blunt statement generally gets the idea across: "I have sex with women, not men." If they ask further questions, reiterate this.

You can also answer "That is none of your business, how rude!"

No matter how frustrating it is to answer, giving in to stupidity is the wrong approach, in my opinion.

[Beth Wilde]

Your stereotypical views of gay men is completely asinine. Don't you understand why gay men like other men? Gay men like men because they are men. 99.999% of all gay men want absolutely nothing to do with femininity, they just simply like men.

Speaking as a member of the gay 0.001% (don't I feel special :) ), I can assure you that gay men like other men for a vast number of reasons, much the same as straight men like women for a variety of reasons. My partner and I are both CDs and find each other very attractive however we present ourselves. Outside of our CD'ing, nobody would believe we were gay men..... I've been asked to "prove it" on numerous occasions and even been told "no you aren't" once....... ???

[Sonia_cd]

My response might sound diplomatic and non-committal but will say in any way. While I see merit in being true to oneself and using the opportunity to engage in a meaningful and perhaps educative conversation with the person asking the question; I also see the magnitude of the challenge that can pose for non-confrontational people. Granted the situation isn't non-confrontational, but that assessment is based on one's own perception of what is and isn't non-confrontational, isn't it? There is merit in asking, "why do you ask?" or "how does it matter?"; but either will lead to a discussion, which in the mind of a non-confrontational CD/TG is territory best avoided.

Being true and honest to oneself is also accepting the non-confrontational nature of one's personality and this will most likely lead to conflict in many situations. Must I put myself out of one comfort zone to remain true to another aspect of me? At the moment one is asked the question, one's thoughts aren't going to focus on "how do I not do a disservice to the LGB community?"/ "how do I be honest with myself and yet not get into a protracted discussion with a person who may or may not understand?". My point is simple: every response is based on the individual placed in that situation and his/her character, which may be extremely pragmatic or wildly activist or fiercely sassy. To expect or demand a single standard from every person is to ignore their baggage, their fears and insecurities as well as their reservations and apprehensions.

So no, I don't think saying "yes" is the best response; yet I also don't think saying "yes" makes a person guilty of hypocrisy especially when that person seeks to avoid a confrontation/discussion/debate.

Let me give you a personal example, I am asexual. Do you think I take every opportunity to say that out loud or engage every person in an orientation session on asexuality? Bottom line; a situational response depends on the character and frame of mind of the person. It is ok to state that you might respond differently and full marks to you; but to tear into someone for their response would be excessive. I will probably get pounced on and pilloried myself for saying this but, if Talisker feels saying "yes, i'm gay" or just simply "no, i'm not" would end an unwanted interaction then let her. She is the one in the situation. She is the one that has to sleep at night. She is the one that is best placed to assess the motives/intent behind the question. If we are all in various stages of acceptance and equally in different states of confusion then finding peace in and for that moment is all that matters; not some larger goal of awareness and education.

Cheers!
Sonia

[Saikotsu]

You raise a good point Sonia. While I still stand by my earlier response, I can understand the appeal of what you're saying.

[Zylia]

Heaven forbid you're actually a gay cross-dresser. Better tell people you're straight, otherwise you're doing the cross-dressing AND the gay 'community' a disservice.

[Genneva Lynn]

Told a SA that was looking down her nose at me one time, that if I didn't love my wife I would be the biggist Lesbian in the world.

[NicoleScott]

Obviously one of the problems hetero CDers have is the perception we are gay. A problem with attracting women as they would not want to have a gay man and always fear losing him to another guy.

I agree. Recall all the posts from CDers who came out to their SO's. What was the first question asked? "Are you gay?"

[Beverley Sims]

Zylia,
I agree, that's terrible. :)
Kaylee has a point in post #42.
A similar thing applies to CD's.
They wear womens clothes because they are womens clothes.
They don't want frilly undies designed for men, nor do they want mens skorts, skirts or kilts for that matter.
Stop upsetting the poor gay guy, he doesn't want a man in a dress for gods sake.

[JulianneXD]

Just be open about what you are and accept others for what they are. We all like what we like and being different from the norm should make us tolerant of others who are different.

Gay,bi,CD,tg, are just labels. They never describe who or what we really are. We're all unique and that label just describes such a superficial aspect of who was really are.

We CD's and TGs have one important thing in common with gays. The civil rights issue. Sexual preference may no be related to gender identity, but the fact that we're being discriminated against by the same people is for me proof that the civil rights battles we're both facing are virtually one and the same.

[Jennifer Devine]

Its kind of Vice Versa with me.
When I am me I am attracted to women but when I am Jennifer, I find myself attracted to men so I guess you can say I am Bi :-)

[Jorja]

Before SRS, when asked if I was gay, I would answer no, I am Taurus. However, I am bisexual and sorry to disappoint you, you are not my type.

[XemmaX]

why would i if im not.

[erindemia]

Hear hear

[Gigi]

why would you go through the effort to come out in public and be "who you are" and then turn around and lie about yourself (just to save the trouble of answering -- no)? That seems silly to me.

I like what Olivia said "Gender identity and sexual orientation are independent variables."

[Lygophilia]

Indifferent about their response. It's said, because gays usually are more bolder to challenge social norms, which is the result of being called that should you do the same. Sexuality labels are there due to the futile rationalization of it's complexity.

[gautier_nikolai]

I am gay but i realise it is a hassle sometimes to keep explaining things to people who haven't had experience with TG issues and CDers in particular.And i realise most CDers are hetero.

However, if you have the time and patience and confidence i would say answer their questions for a while if you are willing to try educate people and then politely excuse yourself if they have too many!!

Although with more TG people opening up and being brave and paticipating on documentaries that can only be a good, enlightening thing for the public at large,However, still i think most of them are on the TS side of the TG spectrum.

I saw a pogram about a CDer out shopping with his wife in the sticks at a supermarket who was heckled with taunts by some young mums pushing prams and when he stopped to talk to them rationally they could at least see that he is a human with feelings and not some robot even if they couldn't totally understand his feelings and motives.