What gender dysphoria "May feel like" before you know its gender dysphoria

[KellyJameson]

I found this link and it is almost to a T exactly what I experienced and thought I would share it.

http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/

[Michelle789]

Me too. I experienced #1 to 7 on this list to a T. I started another thread which focused on point #5 (white noise / overthinking) from this article. I haven't done HRT so I don't have any experience, although there are girls on this forum who can attest to #8.

1. I have trouble getting through the day, and I don't handle stress well. Even little things seem very stressful.

2. I feel either too emotional or completely numb about things. I have a weird relationship with crying, similar to what's in the article. I also like to listen to music that makes me cry.

3. I feel like I've had to read a script and adhere to that script, there's just a certain way I'm supposed to act, and any deviance from it will be corrected, and that it's a life sentence -or maybe one that carries across lifetimes :(

4. I feel like there is no point to life very often.

5. This seems like it should be split into two items: one for being different, and one for overthinking, white noise, and brain fog.
a. Being different. I always felt different from everyone else. I didn't feel like the other boys, and I knew I wasn't physically strong from day one. I'm not macho or very aggressive, and I'm painfully shy around women (although I can be friends with women easily, but I'm shy to ask any out on a date).
b. Overthinking, white noise, and brain fog. I overthink and overanalyze everything, and have lots of random thoughts, sometimes obsessive thoughts in my head. I think a lot about gender, and a lot about non-gender things too. I literally have a committee in my head that just won't shut up.

6. It's hard to say how much got worse around the start of puberty, since I had two back to back deaths of close relatives when I hit puberty. I do notice that #1 to 5 have gotten progressively worse over the years though.

7. I drank, smoked, ate lots of sugar and carbs, and became addicted to energy drinks (after I quit drinking alcohol). I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I started eating right and exercising and lost a lot of weight. I quit energy drinks recently. And with each successive improvement to my lifestyle habits, #1 to 5 only seem to get worse. I had a physical done, and everything including blood sugar and cholesterol is normal, so clearly #1 to 5 are not being caused by poor dietary habits. I say this because some of #1 to 5 can occur as a consequence of drinking, eating too much sugar/carbs, and conditions like diabetes (#1 and #5-b in particular). I suppose poor eating can be correlated with poor eating and diabetes too.

8. I am planning to see a therapist hopefully soon to decide what to do.

[heymj]

Great article, thanks for sharing, incredible how complex we are inside and I applaud Zinnia's eloquent attempt at peeling back some of those layers to give us all a little more insight to her and others thoughts and feeling on a poorly understood subject that concerns everyone in this forum.

[Sarah_the_Vixen]

I know I've felt some of this at times. I know I pushed it away, learned to block some of it out, or assumed it's do to my vision loss, but... I have to wonder... I read this before coming here, actually. I'm using Crossdressing as a way to explore and see how that goes, see if it helps.

Thanks for posting!

[Ariamythe]

Numbers 2, 3, 4, & 7 align most closely to what I felt, with 3 & 4 being the strongest. The way I often vocalized it to my ex-wife and therapists was that I felt empty, like there was a hole in me an something out there would make me happy but I didn't know what it was (I was really just denying it). That led to a lot of "happiness-seeking," in the hopes that this or that thing (a big trip, a big purchase, a job change, etc.) would be the thing that filled in the void.

[Angela Campbell]

Several of these I can relate to.

1. This was evident only towards the end, at least to me. It got to the point that I didn't want to do much and didn't want to be around others. I was almost always in a bad mood, even though I tried really hard not to be. I was judgemental and mean.

2. It was not like I had strong or no emotions it was more like I knew they were there but I wasn't much interested in them so it was easy to just ignore them.

3 Not sure on this one because I was always fighting this and thought everyone was like this. I was more concerned on how others saw me and thought of me and I knew it was all an act...to be as they wanted me to be, but I didn't really know how to be ME.

4 Yes. I felt like I was ready for all of this to be over and thought it may be better after that, whenever that is.

5. Oh yes, on this one. Never feeling normal, always different, but not allowed to let anyone know just how different.

6. No not for me. Puberty was not much different from any other time in my life.

7. Yep, to the max. Drugs, drinking, strange sex, dangerous behavior, marriage (twice) children, college, anything I could find just to fill the void.

8. So far so good.

[GabbiSophia]

A couple of these apply.. not fitting in. My parents had me in therapy twice as a child cause I didn't fit in.. Later it annoyed me but I just figure everyone felt that way

As for the empty feeling I have had that for years and I always felt like there was more for me to do in this life.. As it is now i learned to et that be my driving force to keep pushing myself up the ladder.. owning my own company growing it just one example... i wonder if i were to lose this if i would become lazy.

[LeaP]

It's me, all of it. I could write a book on any of these topics.

I would add two things: That there were times that I knew, but repressed, and that I tried to make a virtue of many of these characteristics, despite the fact that they have made life miserable.

[MatildaJ.]

My feeling is that #3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 are fairly common in humans.

[LeaP]

They are, Jess, and this is a fairly common response. They do not rise to the level of serious psychological issues and disruption to normal functioning in most, however. (The GD diagnosis calls out impairment, in fact.) Hence while most people can relate to these issues, they tend to dismiss their significance. They are also not the only symptoms of gender dysphoria.

[jules]

That is the first real thing I have ever read that describe pretty dam close to how I felt and feel
inside.
I started to tear up. Thank you so much.
Really.

[Lisa Gerrie]

If you gave a competent therapist or other counselor this list of symptoms:

1. Continual difficulty with simply getting through the day.
2. A sense of misalignment, disconnect, or estrangement from your own emotions.
3. A feeling of just going through the motions in everyday life, as if you’re always reading from a script.
4. A seeming pointlessness to your life, and no sense of any real meaning or ultimate purpose.
5. Knowing you’re somehow different from everyone else, and wishing you could be normal like them.
6. A notable escalation in the severity of these symptoms during puberty.
7. Attempting to fix this on your own through various coping mechanisms.

...would they diagnose gender dysphoria or something much more general? Depression, social anxiety, etc. Obviously if a person has...

8. Substantial resolution of these symptoms in a very obvious way upon transitioning, particularly upon initiating HRT.

then GD might be indicated (in hindsight) but otherwise it seems like a general checklist for unhappy people.

[LeaP]

No-one competent would diagnose GD from these alone. Such impairment is only one of the diagnostic criteria and no-one has suggested this is comprehensive.

From the APA:


For a person to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, there must be a marked difference between the individual’s expressed/experienced gender and the gender others would assign him or her, and it must continue for at least six months. In children, the desire to be of the other gender must be present and verbalized. This condition causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Gender dysphoria is manifested in a variety of ways, including strong desires to be treated as the other gender or to be rid of one’s sex characteristics, or a strong conviction that one has feelings and reactions typical of the other gender.

The referenced article in the OP is a description of how such impairment can be experienced. And believe me, "clinically significant" distress isn't what the average person experiences from being unhappy.

[Marleena]

Thanks for posting this Kelly. I think it makes a lot of sense when applied to TS members. I have to admit that I did have a feeling that it might also get applied to non-TS members as well.

I won't bother with the numbering system used but noticed similarities of course. My main clue to being TS should have been the feeling of not fitting in anywhere and doing my best to not appear feminine in my walk or gestures, etc. I was a classic case of overcompensating and trying to hide my true nature, it was like hiding a huge secret for me. I ended up a loner with few friends because of fear of being found out. Only a gender therapist helped unravel what was going on with me. It all makes perfect sense now.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I agree 100% LeaP. I have lifelong personal experience with clinical depression and I know how significant and debilitating the distress can be. The word "unhappy" was a poor choice. I'm just sayin' that (to me) those symptoms describe depression. Gender dysphoria may be a primary cause of the depression, but you could re-title the section "Signs of indirect gender dysphoria" as "Signs of depression" and barely change another word in the essay.

The implication that "if you feel this way you may have have gender dysphoria..." just doesn't sit right without "...gender-dysphoria-induced depression".

[Michelle789]

I think the point of the article was that if you have the indirect dysphoria symptoms (depression & anxiety) and you questioning your gender or experiencing other GD symptoms, then it's GD. It's helpful for those who didn't always know since they were 2 and it took a while to figure out you have GD.

[Marleena]

It's a Catch 22. Untreated GD causes mental health issues like depression and anxiety. The cure for GD is HRT. However you can't get HRT if you have existing mental health issues, they need to be dealt with first.

*note* only a gender therapist can help with a diagnosis and treatment plan.

[Daphne Renee]

I am not sure any of these fit me exactly. There are some similarities though.

[cdjess]

Interesting link.

[bas1985]

I was thinking about it recently. About what was like my life before I knew that I had GD. Or, better, before I realized that I was hiding it since 10-12 years old.

I have come to the conclusion that the history is written by the winners, lucky or unluckily, if a person, later, realizes that he has had GD,
and actually he is a "she", she overwrites her history to make the assumption more correct. A simple CD in the closet will simply write
his history to be different.

This by no means wants to undervalue the value of history itself. There are obviously some milestones, more or less in common with
all TS, at least of the same age group, but I think that GD is GD "in the now", and little has to do with the past. There are examples,
also in this forum, of "successful men" who lived until 50+ years without any "visible" symptom of GD, but they are TS nonetheless.

[Tina955]

Well reading that link confirmed what I've known since my wife passed away 4 years ago. I need to see a gender therapist of which there isnt any in my area. Wife was not accepting and I had kept my promise of never wearing anything marketed for women. This was for the last 27 years of our 34 year marriage. Since her passing first the crossdressing flood gates opened and I spent a small fortune on everything from heels to wigs to forms. Then the envy started. I was obsessing about women and in my eye they just seemed to be able to enjoy life easier than men. This envy becomes all consuming at times.
I can pretty much relate to all 1-8. 6 maybe not so much.
So at this point I feel like I am stuck in a quagmire, like I am in my own little bubble of my own making and everyone else is on the outside of that bubble enjoying life in a way I cannot reach.

Tina

[MatildaJ.]

I have come to the conclusion that the history is written by the winners...If a person, later, realizes that he has had GD, and actually he is a "she", she overwrites her history to make the assumption more correct. A simple CD in the closet will simply write
his history to be different... I think that GD is GD "in the now", and little has to do with the past.

Thanks, bas1985, that's very helpful for me.

[Lygophilia]

Even through I've experienced gender dysphoria, I wouldn't call myself a she. I did always struggle with the confusion of trying to find out who I am that went beyond gender, but for this subject alone, it was more along the lines of early childhood disorders of schizophrenia, hormone issues from the upper and bottom anatomy (caused unwanted attention and physical harassment) major depression, and anorexia nervosa that probably gave birth to this burden. I wouldn't have mind being born female, but thinking a transition now would have been artificial to me.